Episode One: Relocation
PREVIOUSLY ON ANGEL + BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
Giles “He’s known as William the Bloody, he’s fought 2 slayers in the last century, and won”
Spike “I can’t bite people, I can’t hardly even hit anymore, Spike took a trip to the vet and now he doesn’t play with the other puppies anymore”
Spike “I love you” Buffy “Uggh”
Demon “We shall return………your soul”
Buffy “He can be a good man, I feel it”
Buffy “I love you” Spike “No you don’t, but thanks for saying it”
Spike dusting
Spike appearing in W&H
Spike “I’m not going where heroes go, I’m being pulled to hell. Help me!” Fred “I’ll help”
Fred & Willow giving Spike a body
Spike “You’re telling me I’m a vampire again” Fred “Well yeah, but on the plus side, you still have your soul”
Wesley “Angel, I feel you should know, I’ve been researching, and the vampire spoken of in the prophesies of Abergia it…” Angel “It’s Spike”
Spike killing a senior partner
Fred “He did it, he prevented the apocalypse”
Spike going all glowy and becoming …… A GIRAFFE!!!
AFRICA
We see a vamp running across a field, fear on it’s face, something’s chasing it.
We hear heavy running behind the vampire, camera pulls up to reveal Fred riding a giraffe.
The vamp trips up the giraffe catches up, as it does so Fred flips off its back, pulling a stake out of her belt mid jump, she lands and stakes the vamp, it dusts. Fred walks up to the giraffe “Good hunt” she says. “Didn’t suck,” says the giraffe, “Rather done it on two legs”. Fred strokes the giraffe, “We’ll fix this, Spike”
CREDITS:
SPIKE: THE TALKING GIRAFFE VAMPIRE HUNTER
Starring:
Spot As Spike
James Marsters As The Voice of Spike
Amy Acker As Fred
Andy Hallet As Lorne
Guest Starring:
J. August Richards As Gunn
Brad Kane As Tucker
Seth Green As Oz
We see a large farm, “Burkle Ranch” reads the sign.
The screen flashes to inside the house, LORNE is talking to SPIKE.
LORNE “We don’t know why you’re this way muffin, heck we always assumed Angel was going to shanshu, and we always thought he’d turn human”
SPIKE “Nowhere in those bleeding prophesies does it mention humanity, it just says that the vampire with a soul will get to live until he dies, but why a bloody giraffe. I mean, a monkey, I could have lived with, but a giraffe”
LORNE “Just proves the big man has a sense of humor”
SPIKE points out that he’s willing to put it up to “a bleeding sense of humor” to the pint where he’s been killed, neutered, fallen in love with his enemy, killed again, but this giraffe thing is sodding ridiculous.
FRED walks in “Another bad day” she says to LORNE, who nods in agreement
“We’re going to sort this thing out, that’s why we came here. This is where the one of the key parts of the prophecy occurred”
SPIKE “Me getting screwed over, once again letting my heart do the talking. Well I’ll tell you this much, my heart’s a bloody idiot”
FRED “This is where you got your soul SPIKE, if anyone can help us start to put this together”
SPIKE “Well, my memories kinda fuzzy with the pain and torture, but he didn’t strike me as much of the helping type”
END SCENE
We now see a kind of village of native people, the camera works it’s way to a large house at the end (well built, the rest are rickety).
TUCKER (Andrew’s Brother) and GUNN are talking
GUNN “The arrival of SPIKE and his companions in these areas have greatly disturbed the remaining Senior Partners, if he finds the demon who granted him a soul, his status as champion will be sealed, and only a matter of time before he crushes us”
TUCKER “Don’t worry Mr GUNN, this SPIKE will be no match for my mighty VAMPIRE GORILLAS”
GUNN stares blankly at TUCKER, very unconvinced
TUCKER “The Gorillas are more mighty even than Hell-Hounds, trust me on this. Mu hahahahah. MU HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA”
GUNN “Don’t do that”
END ACT
ACT 2
We see the ranch, the camera sweeps wide and fast round to the other side we see “LORNE’S”, big neon sign.
DANIEL OSBOURNE is singing while playing his guitar (he can now play well). He finishes the song and goes up too LORNE.
LORNE “Well, wolf boy, that was just terrific, oh, don’t look so shocked you know it’s still in there”
OZ looks confused “But I thought”
LORNE “And you’d be right, that dog ain’t going to be howling at any moons again, but deep down, it’s still there, that’s how you can still fight”
OZ “Well, since you seem to everything about me, where do I go now?”
LORNE “That’s the question isn’t it, you’ve come to a dead stop, you’ve found your cure, but you’ve been gone so lone, home isn’t there anymore, (pause) er.. literally. So I’d say that you now go through that door” LORNE points to a door “MANAGEMENT ONLY”
OZ “You know, some people would say not to trust strange green demons who run karaoke bars in the middle of nowhere”
LORNE “And what do you say”
OZ “I say I’ve got nothing to lose” OZ quickly cocks his head and scratches behind his ear with the back of his hand.
LORNE stares at him
OZ “Gotta stop doing that”, he mutters as he walks towards the door.
Walking through the door, OZ comes into a room, at the other side FRED is sitting at a desk, on the desk is a speaker box (ala Charlie’s Angel’s)
FRED “Good evening Daniel”
OZ “Evening, OZ, please” he looks around the room, on one wall there’s a framed photo of FRED, in it she’s standing with Buffy, Angel, SPIKE, Dawn, Willow, LORNE, Giles, Xander and some others he’s not familiar with “Do I know you”
FRED “No, We’ve never met, I’m Winifred, Fred” They shake hands “But we do have a friend in common”
OZ gesturing towards the photo “Quite a few it would seem”
FRED “Yes, that was after that time we saved the world, anyway, I specifically meant Willow.” FRED hands OZ an envelope
OZ carefully opens the envelope and removes it, as he takes the letter out he recognises the scent, he reads the letter and reinserts it into the envelope, then his jacket pocket. “So, what do you need me to do”
FRED “What did Willow say?”
OZ “She said you’re good people and that I should consider joining your operation” he pauses “That’s all you need to know”
FRED “erm, who exactly did she say is good people?”
OZ “You and Lorne, why, is there somebody else”
FRED (under breath) “Frickin’ witch, leave me to explain the complicated part” (loud) “Let’s take a walk”
As FRED and OZ walk out of the room, OZ once again glances at the picture on the wall “Hey, what are Faith and SPIKE doing in that picture”
END SCENE
We are now outside, huge full moon in the sky, the camera sinks down through the tree tops, eventually setting on FRED and OZ
OZ “This is a hell of a lot for a guy to take in one evening, Faith’s good, there’s hundreds of slayers, SPIKE has a soul”
FRED “I know it’s a lot to….”
OZ “And SPIKE’s a GIRAFFE!”
FRED “I know it’s a lot to take, but we’ve both taken big stuff like this before”
OZ looks at FRED, not getting her point
FRED “You know, how neither of us chose this life, neither of us were born with special abilities, we didn’t seek out the strange and paranormal, it just took us. And we adapted, like you can adapt to all this news”
OZ “I suppose” the two walk silently for a minute “Do we know why he’s a giraffe?”
FRED “No, the prophecy said that once the vampire with a soul achieved his destiny, he would shanshu, get to live as a mortal until he died. We always assumed it meant human”
OZ “But it meant a giraffe, the guy must be pissed”
FRED “Who?”
OZ “SPIKE, I mean, he’s come this far, evolved so much, and the Powers that be see this as a suitable reward!”
FRED “Can’t imagine how”
Suddenly, 2 gorillas swing down on vines, they stand and stare at FRED an OZ
FRED “Look how cute..” she steps towards a gorilla before OZ grabs her arm
OZ “FRED, look at their faces”
For the first time, we see their faces, they are especially wrinkled, their lips show fangs, and their eyes glow yellow. Vampire gorillas. They both growl and leap at the camera (toward’s FRED and OZ)
END ACT
ACT 3
We are once more in LORNE’S, TUCKER is singing , as he sings LORNE suddenly looks very worried, he pulls the fire alarm to vacate the bar. Everyone leaves, TUCKER is the last, as he is just about to go through the door LORNE grabs his arm.
LORNE “Not so fast you little weasel”
END SCENE
SPIKE is in a jungle area, staring at the sky, he hears the alarm coming from LORNE’S. “At last, something to bloody do”
END SCENE
LORNE is finishing tying TUCKER into a chair.
TUCKER is laughing “What’s this going to achieve” LORNE ignores him. “My vampire gorillas have probably already killed your friends”
LORNE “Vampire Gorillas, aren’t you the kid who set the flying monkey’s on the slayer’s school play? What is it with you and apes”
TUCKER “That was my lamo brother Andrew, I was the one who set the Hell-hounds on the senior prom.”
LORNE “Because that’s a much better claim to fame”
TUCKER “What are you intending to do, get your giraffe friend to come help you, what could he possibly do to make me talk”
SPIKE (from behind) “This” SPIKE kicks the chair hard, sending it flying into a wall, shattering, TUCKER falls to the ground, still tied to the now broken bits of chair. SPIKE walks over to TUCKER and uses his foot to lift him up a little by his shirt, “Now you’re going to tell me where my friends are”
END SCENE
We now rejoin FRED and OZ, who are now fighting 4 vampire gorillas
OZ is thrown aside and all 4 go for FRED
OZ sits up, he looks pissed, his eyes start to glow and his arms grow, but no more. He bounds up from the sitting position and tears the 4 gorillas off FRED, she screams then realises it’s OZ
FRED “What the hell are you?”
OZ “A were-“ he seems lost for words “er person.”
The two start to fight again, OZ rips the head off one and it turns to dust. Fred rolls down and flips one over her, then stakes it. Gradually they take out the other two as well, turning back to human form OZ helps FRED up.
OZ “Any idea who sent these, or what they were?”
FRED “None”
OZ “We should go find Spike.”
FRED “Agreed. C’mon, let’s go home”
END SCENE
We see “Burkle Ranch”, SPIKE is galloping away from it, LORNE is on his back with a rather mean looking crossbow. They slow down as they see FRED and OZ.
SPIKE “Thought you might be in need of a little help”
FRED “Nope, we took care of it”
OZ “Evening Spike”
SPIKE “Evening” looking at OZ again “OZ?!”
FRED “He’s going to help us here”
SPIKE “Well, the more the merrier”
The group turn, and walk towards the ranch
END ACT
ACT 4
We are in FRED’s office, FRED, LORNE, and OZ are in the room
SPIKE (from speaker box) “And you’re sure”
LORNE “Positive”
FRED “But, he wouldn’t, I mean I know they put all that stuff in his brain but still”
LORNE “This isn’t easy for any of us cupcake, but TUCKER was hired by GUNN, for some reason, he wants us dead.”
END SCENE
GUNN’s Office
GUNN is sitting at his desk, we see a woman from behind, she stands and shakes his hand, as she turns and walks out, the camera swoops round her and up to GUNN, we don’t see her face. GUNN looks down and sees something, “Miss, you left something”
The woman turns it’s DRUSILLA, “No I didn’t”
GUNN looks puzzledly at the blindfolded doll in his hand
DRUSILLA “Miss Edith has been naughty, and now she doesn’t get to play my games” She sweeps round majestically and slowly walks out, dramatic, mysterious music plays as the screen fades to black.
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
JOSS WHEDON
SPECIAL GUEST STAR
JULIET LANDAU as DRUSILLA