Author: Vera

Rated: NC-17

Summary: Severus and Harry were the reincarnation of incubus; Lucius and Draco were the fallen angels fell for them and defying God, (or vice versa). God sent the four of them to Earth for their sins. In the middle of the war, the four realized who they were and used it to their advantages (all is fair in love and war). Think how Slytherin Harry could get. Could the four of them help humanity, by killing Voldemort and helping the light side to atone their sins so they could go back to Heaven? (Garnet)

Archive: Tell me first

It was never my intention to fall. The others who have taken the plunge from heaven had reasons within reasons. They felt that Our Lord had failed them, lied or cheated them. Some fought to leave, tore off their own wings, ignoring the first blood they had ever shed and literally leapt from on high.

The greatest, the first, who I do not remember was among their fervent number. Caleb saw him. He describes it vividly and I picture him as standing tall even as he was transformed and thrust from the choir. He smiled the whole time, Caleb claims and there is no reason for him to lie. He said that in his pain and suffering, Lucifer knew joy in his own fall.

Caleb saw him fall and he would whisper the story to me, in the quiet of the night, so I would not forget. My beautiful Caleb. My heart and my beloved.

)*(

"Draco! Pay attention!" My head snapped off the desk. More and more lately, my thoughts have wandered and even Snape is beginning to glare at me. "See me after class, Mr. Malfoy."

I nod my understanding. It will not be a detention, but another warning to remain alert and aware. Voldemort is close now, so tight on our heels that his foul stench can be smelled in the air. I am grateful more then ever that Father defected quietly away. There has never been a time in my life when I wasn't ridiculed for putting so much trust in him, but I refuse to waver. If he had not defected then I would have served Voldemort, not half as gladly, but as willingly.

"Draco." Snape's eyes are dark on mine and I can't help, but tense. I have long learned not to tangle with my Head of House, his affection for me only reaches so far. "This is not the time to wander into daydream."

"I wasn't, sir." Courteous for once because truth will do that. "There's something...I don't know quite what it is, the beginnings of an idea and it keeps escaping me. I think it's important."

"That is no reason to fade out during a lecture. Wool gather on your own time." His voice softens. "I have noticed you around Potter much more frequently lately. Be careful."

Only long practice keeps my face from blazing red. As both Father and I came to the Order full of half-feigned sorrow and penitence, I saw more and more of Harry. The secrets we both kept could not be shared with friends, not even his precious Mudblood and Weasel, it had come to be our habit to speak in quiet alcoves or meet late at night. It was enough to lessen the pressure, but more and more recently, I had to fight an urge to kiss him, bury myself in this body. I was going to attempt tonight, in fact and I think that Snape knew. The man has always had uncanny vision.

"Yes, sir."

"Good day, Draco." I took the dismissal for what it was and left in a hurry.

The night came as swiftly as it does in times of great trouble, sending the passages of Hogwarts into a maze of shadow and promise. Harry, wrapped in his cloak, came to my Head Boy's room. We left the lights off, leaving our eyes to pick out shadowy detail.

I remember days when I had such a bile in my gut just from looking at him. I had this rage that I couldn't explain and I wanted to break him down and make him kneel at my feet and beg forgiveness. Those feelings unraveled so slowly that I cannot tell when they became desire.

"I'm tired, Drake." He yawned, revealing sharp canines. "Bone tired. "

"Then lie down." The trust between us is no longer too new and strange for him to question my motives, so he lies down next to me on my narrow bed and I hold him as he starts to fade into sleep. "Would you kiss me?"

"What? Why?" I startled. My plans lay shattered by two guileless emerald green eyes.

"I've never kissed anyone before and with the war coming..." I can feel his shrug against me. Neither of us truly believe we will survive the upcoming carnage. The adults smile at us, soothing, but we know that our fates are growing shorter and our potential something that can be measured in months, not years.

"All right."

So in the darkness of my room, I brush my lips against his. He has a clear watery taste with an edge of a chocolate he must have eaten before coming to my room. Soft, eager and clumsy, he moved against me in an instant, the kiss building between us. Delicately, I bite his lower lip and move to taste his teeth.

"That was nice." He said dreamily. "Do it again?"

I dare any one alive to resist that request, I know that I could not. I kissed him again, already drunk with his innocence and soft beauty.

"Harry...I want to touch you."

"Please..." His breathless plea finished me.

I caressed his face, the barest trace of stubble and kissed him again. He responded beautifully and I allowed my hand stray from my side and run down his clothed chest. With fingers trained for potion making, I slid the buttons of his shirt open and ran a quick hand over his warm skin. In the darkness it was difficult to make out the details, but I had practice in night fumbling and found his already pebbling nipples with ease. I brushed over them, testing, but he didn't respond any more then he had been. A shame, I love a partner with sensitive nipples. He pushed against my hand, enjoying the touch and I was more then pleased to give him more. The feel of foreign skin slid like silk against my palm and I managed to pull myself from his mouth long enough to pepper his torso with sloppy half-bites.

My fingers had a mind of their own and I found them tracing the hems of his oversized jeans. They plucked idly at the button and a push of the hips was all the encouragement necessary to get it undone. The zipper came down without a problem and after some awkward maundering (he hit me in the face, but for once it wasn't the time to make a nasty comment about his grace) the ugly Muggle cloth was off his body and residing on the floor along with a truly hideous pair of boxers.

"Oh!"

His eyes went round when I touched his half-mast erection, rapidly hardening in my hand. A murmured lubrication spell and one hand eased up and down his length while the other cupped his face. I drank down his groans and stifled cries. Even in the dark, I can see his face contort in the last desperate moments before orgasm. As deftly as I knew how, I brought him to completion, catching his semen in the folded edge of my shirt. For one strange moment, I was sure that his eyes had flashed red in the darkness and that the flesh beneath my hands had grown scaled and strange. He was desire.... It faded completely when he spoke.

"Abdiel." The name tripped off his tongue, alien and familiar at once, stirring in the darkness. "Perfect Abdiel."

"Who?" I stuttered, too shocked to be properly angry. He blinked owlishly at me, his glasses set strangely on his face. I'd been to caught up to remove them.

"I don't know...for a moment..." He touched my face softly. "For a moment you glowed."

I let him sleep in my bed that night, but I was awake to watch the dawn's light whisper across his sleeping body. Abdiel....

I fell asleep still clothed and half-hard in the first rays of dawn. When I stirred awake the next morning, Harry had already left. I was sullenly glad of it and showered for nearly an hour feeling oddly detached. My body seemed not my own as a I soaped down. I marveled over my own skin and flesh and the half-panted word running over and over in my head, a soothing mantra.

Abdiel, Abdiel, Abdiel.

There was an Order meeting that evening and I spent most of the day preparing a paper for Charms. It distracted me just enough and by the time dinner was finished with, I had forgotten the strange discomfort of the early morning and concentrated on doing my Slytherin best to make it to the meeting without being seen.

The hallways were almost empty and I made it to the old coot's office without being spotted. The gargoyle didn't wait for the password, it was set to recognize Order members.

I relished the stairs, the tug of muscle in my legs, the roll of fabric against my backside. Mother once told me that I was too aware of my own beauty. I could not explain that it was my own enjoyment of my body that led me to what appeared to be obscene displays.

Several of the Order had gathered already and Harry smiled at me wanly from his place at Dumbledore's left hand. I inclined my head in acknowledgment, now was not the time to make a public display.

"Draco." Father's voice slid over me, welcome and familiar. I turned quickly to the fireplace he had arrived through, trying to contain my joy at his arrival. I stepped forward to take his hand in a formal greeting. We were a family that hugged in private. But as his long fingers brushed mine the thought that had hung in the back of my mind exploded with a sudden force. The power of a thousand forgotten memories hit me all at once and the true horror.....

I wasn't aware of sinking to the floor or the cold tears that flooded down my cheeks.

"Caleb."

)*(

We were both created to be Dominations, the fourth rank of angels, who decide the fate of nations. It was to this purpose that Caleb was made in the newness of the world and myself far later when the mortals had spread.

In my newness, he tutored me and we became like brothers. When we assumed mortal bodies it was in a similar guise. It was on the mortal plane that we could unite our bodies as we did our souls in the light of the Lord. It was nothing more or less then many others have done of our order. There was unfathomable bliss at our union, our love blossoming between us, sharing in the continuous light of the heavens.

It was in this mortal realm, many long years after my creation, that I came to Caleb and found him with two of the Fallen. You can feel it in your gut when you see them even bound as they were in mortal flesh. There is a sadness that clings to them, impinging so deeply on the natural ecstasy of earth that it's a palpable ache. True demons, born of Hellfire have only rage and hate, but Fallen....they are far worse.

"Abdiel." Caleb's brilliant eyes settled on me, his smile not nearly as sweet as usual. "This is Razi." The older one looked at me with tired eyes and I was flooded with desire to soothe the ache from them. "And this is Desi." The younger one, still somber, but with a rough edged smile nodded his head. They were so dark, brilliant in their rawness. Pain was so new to me then that I drank it in like a rare elixir.

"A pleasure."

And it was then. Their story was strange, horrid and wonderful. They had found each other in the hosts as Caleb and I had found each other, but it had not been a perfect twining as ours had been. They had wanted so badly to be right in the eyes of the Lord.

"We discovered the ugliness behind the beauty." Razi's voice was low, hypnotic. "It was an accident...perhaps. There is so much hurt in the world, Abdiel." He directed all of his passion to me. Caleb leaned back, his natural light somewhat dimmed, he had heard it before. "The suffering...the agony. We only wanted to know why."

"All we did was ask." Desi broke in, a tremor in his voice. He was so painfully young to have so much sadness. His back was not so bowed as his companion's, his joy not all undimmed. " When He refused to answer....We fell. It was easier then living among a joy we could no longer share. In His infinite humor...." The young demon choked.

"He had deprived us even of our own company. When we fell, he carved our bodies. Incubi in form, we can derive no pleasure from each other's flesh and see each other only rarely... Caleb has been kind enough to allow us to meet under your roof." Razi sighed hard. "He has spoken of you often Abdiel and you live up to every expectation."

"Thank you."

"I hope you will not find it too rude if Desi and I take our leave?"

I shook my head, in a bit of shock as they passed me to take their time together. Seeing my confusion, Caleb opened his arms to me and I moved to the comfort of his body, seating myself against him.

"They are beautiful." I mutter. "So sad."

"You thirst for that which you do not know, my heart and for that I cannot begrudge you." He threaded a hand through my hair and stroked in smooth soft strokes. "You are so generous and kind, beloved."

"They are here for more then shelter from their Dark Lord aren't they?"

"Observant too. Yes, they have long asked a favor of me which I would not grant them." He paused, forming his thoughts as slow and diligent as ever. "Do you remember the women and men we have seen? The ones who sold their flesh?"

"Yes....that is what they meant? By Incubi..."

"They are demons who gradually drain their victims through the union of flesh. They cannot lie with each other without grievous harm. For us..."

"We cannot be drained." I did not pull myself from his embrace, my mind still turning. "If they were to lie with us while they were together...it is such a shabby second best...."

"The thought does not repel you? Razi and Desi are fiercer then we and they no longer have rapture."

"If I had come to knowledge by anyone, but you, perhaps I might feel disgust, but we have seen so much of mortals, known them too well. You have been too good a teacher, my Caleb. I will not fear to give aid where I see fit."

The words sealed my fate, if there is such a thing as fate. Our Lord tells us He knows all, but that there is also free will. We may do as we see fit, but He will always know. He must have known then, that I would allow Desi into my body as deeply as I had Caleb and that watching my beloved couple with Razi would only fan the growing passion.

Time was strange then, I do not know how long we shared our lives with the achingingly beautiful Incubi, how many times we joined our flesh and gave ourselves to them. I remember vividly how they entwined their hands tightly together as we made love to them until the dark blue ichor of their blood ran between their palms.

It wasn't long before I could no longer stand the injustice. That Our Lord should deliberately try to end their love when it hung between them stronger then any earthly chain. I went before him, Caleb my solemn second at my shoulder. We were in agreement.

"Lord, hear our plea. The angels once of the level of Virtues now known as Razi and Desi, You in your wisdom have cast them down from Heaven and they have long suffered under Your just punishment."

The Metatron regarded us. His eyes terrible and his voice the smallest of whispers which could be hear on every continent if needed.

"I know what you would ask, Abdiel. You wish for their punishment to end or to be lifted. You expect me to grant this when you have consorted with those banished from my sight and share your joy with those who are foul in my sight."

I wept then. The first tears of my existence and they were more bitter then any that would follow. I had never been chastised by the Lord, before. It was Caleb who spoke, his voice strong.

"He did only as I asked him. Desi and Razi suffer greatly and I wanted only to soothe their pain. We ask that they may be with each other, not that they be released from their punishment."

There was a long silence. Then the Metatron spoke again.

"You have love for these beasts?"

"Yes." We said in unison.

"As much love as you have for the choir?"

And without question, we said as one,

"More."

We moved closer together, sure that this was the last moments of freedom we would share.

"Your hearts are strong." Metatron looked hard at us. "Your intentions are good, but you would stray from my path to save those who would defy me. Are you willing to sacrifice your immortality to reunite these demons?"

"Yes."

I knew then, why Lucifer himself has smiled as he fell, no matter what any holy book claims to the contrary. The moment we were dropped from the sight of Heaven, perhaps never to return, I took in my first true breath. It was harsh and fresh and achingingly beautiful.

)*(

I watched the boy fall to his knees, tears streaming from his cheeks. Potter, in his infinite mindless compassion was by his side in an instant, trying to put a soothing arm around him, but Draco pushed him away, quite violently. I could feel Lucius' eyes on me. I shook my head to indicate my surprise.

The others of the Order were attempting to look uninterested.

"Perhaps, Draco should have a lie down until he can tell us what's wrong?" Albus suggested. He too, seemed at a loss for the boy's sudden shift.

"Severus, maybe if you took him to your office?"

Which was connected to the school's floo system. No need for him to wander the halls in this state. I moved cautiously to Lucius' side. His face remained in it's hardened mask, but his eyes were tight with fear. He had made no move to comfort his son with the Order looking on. Out of view of prying eyes, he would no doubt soothe him as if he were a tiny child.

A levitation spell got the three of us through the system and into the more enclosed movements of my office. I wasn't terribly surprised to see Potter tumble in next to us. He has been quite taken with Draco these past few months and I wouldn't be surprised that this sudden break down was a result of some happening between the two.

Potter went immediately to Draco's side, attempting to comfort him, out of arm's reach at least.

"Draco, it's okay. It's all right." He muttered meaninglessly. Silver flashed under white blonde lashes.

"All right?!" He was on his feet in an instant. "All right?! I am cast from my place in the host, a sacrifice for you! We asked for it, pleaded for it and now...." The fire left his voice and he gestured lamely at his father. "Caleb has become the one person that I cannot touch. " A bitter laugh twisted from his lips.

"Draco..." Lucius took hold of the boy's shoulder, no doubt in an attempt to shake him back to sanity, but the attempt seemed only to spread the madness from father to son. "Abdiel.....what.…" He shook himself. "A corpse of the old buried in new tissue."

"Caleb...father...." Draco shook himself. "This is our punishment, isn't it?"

"Professor?" Potter looked up at me alarmed. "What's wrong with them?"

"Shut up." I informed him.

"It would certainly explain a lot, the bitterness...the rivalry." Lucius caressed his son's face and a long shiver ran through me. No father should touch his son like that. "One long memory covered with the grime of a mortal mind. We have been gazing through opaque glass."

"Desi...he used to say that the Lord had a sense of humor, but it was far too meta for any one else to understand."

I stared at them, attempting to come to some conclusion. They were sharing some altered state where reality had taken a bend.

"And that it is. Where are they now?"

Draco took in a hesitant breath then reached out a hand to Potter.

"Come here." He demanded. Fool hardy as always, Potter took the proffered hand and drew in a deep breath. "Oh...Desi."

Whatever it was, it was deeply contagious. I took several steps backwards as Potter's eyes began to flutter, his whole body taut with what looked like pain.

"No!" He flung himself from them, his eyes wet with tears. "Nononononononono."

"Damnit." Save Potter had become my foul motto the last few years. Without conscious thought, I was by his side, steadying his shaking body against me.

"Oh sweet mercy." He turned, sobbing into my robes, clinging to me.

"They sold themselves for us. Idiots!"

"What are you talking about, Potter?" I tried to pull him off, but he clung hard.

"How can you not see?" He grabbed at one of my hands. "Razi, it's time to wake up and face it."

"I will not." My voice betrayed me, speaking out of turn.

"You must, love. It's time."

)*(

I was once, in the dawning of the Earth, a Virtue, the fifth ranking of angels. We guarded faith and our numbers multiplied as humanity did. I had another name then, one that is forever lost to me. I moved with others, Virtues work better in groups, but I never settled into one bonded set.

It was only when the Lord drew forth a new generation of our kind that I found what I most desired. He too had another name, but even then it did not cross my lips. Desi, my desire, was always my own and I taught him our ways and showed him the greatness of the Heavens and all the mixed blessings of Earth. We were, though the mind boggles to think of it now, innocent.

In the line of our duty, we were aiding a young woman whose husband beat her with the intent to abort the life that grew within her. Desi, so young then and passionate, forgot himself and killed the man when he tried to approach her once more. All would have gone unnoticed, if the woman had not been slated to die instead of her beast husband.

The punishment was light, we were to remain in the choir for a lengthy amount of time to relearn the love of the Lord's plans, before returning to our work. It was the very lightness of the punishment, the very disregard for one life in the hand of another that drove us before the one who I once thought infallible.

In the later darkness, the days that crept over our blackened scaled flesh and robbed us of the rapture that had once been our life blood, we clung to each other. Even in Hellfire, I knew my beloved and though we were cast from each other time and again, it was unthinkable that we should separate.

I met again with Caleb, quite by accident. Once, lifetimes ago, we were friends, but I never thought I lay eyes on him again. And then there came a day when we were to face against each other, over the soul of a woman I cared not a whit about. When I conceded the battle without a cut between us, he looked closer.

"A Fallen... as an Incubus?"

"It has been known to happen." I turned to go from him, but some small gesture must have given me away and he called me back.

"I know you...you were one of my brethren once." It was hard to imagine he would have remembered me. The memory of the Fallen fades in angelic minds so slowly no one notices the loss. But Caleb had always been sharper. In quiet moments, he would whisper to me the first fall. We had both seen it, but time and rot had been driven the memory from my head. As an Incubus, I knew only of the Fall, it consumed me and imprinted itself on my mind.

"Of a sort. We were friends. You knew me by another name."

"And how are you called now?"

My eyes then were red, glowing pulsing embers of darkness, but in his presence I felt the light of heaven again.

"The only one who calls me, knows me as Razi."

"Secret."

I only nodded. My Desi had a poor sense of humor on occasion. I turned to leave again, only to feel his hand branding my shoulder. If I could have wept from the light that coursed through my rejecting body, I do not know if it would have been from pain or pleasure.

"What is that you want with me? The battle is won." I tore myself from him, my conflicting emotions to great.

"I know you now. Where is the one who once traveled with you?"

"Fallen as I am. Cast from my side in His wisdom, we see each other but rarely."

"He was a great beauty once." The pity almost drips and I know truly for the first time how hideous my true appearance must be to the still golden children of the Lord.

"And still is. " I snarl back. "Though it may not be seen on his countenance."

"I do not doubt." A distant voice, soft and sweet called for him. "My Abdiel. I have a heart for you my dark brother. Of late, I too have gained a companion. There is a certain earthly residence, well shielded from prying eyes. If you ever wish it's sanctuary you are most welcome."

"Why?" I stared unbelieving at the Domination as he rose to his full height and turned to the calling dulcet tones.

"I never had something to lose before." He spread out his awesome wing span, larger then my own in either form. "I know now what such a loss would do."

He did not truly know then. How could he when loss was only a far off imagining? Still his offer was true and we were pitifully grateful for the shelter. Many were the hours that we lounged there, touching as much as we dared, few words shared between us.

When we met Abdiel he was as glorious as Caleb had painted him. A young Domination is an amazing thing to see and he shone with all the promise that such a being should. I was reminded afresh of Desi's first fresh years.

No one foresaw the young one's agreement to share his mortal form with us. It was a brilliant deed, but in the truth of my heart, I was glad only to share a bed with Desi once more, even if it was by proxy. It was, for a sparkling arch of time, as if we were host again, the glory of the choir embracing us.

)*(

When the full rush of knowledge came upon him, he gripped so tightly to the boy's arm it would surely bruise. Draco clung to me nearly as tightly or perhaps it was my grip that kept him close.

And my beloved from whom I was so long separated...he looked to me with longing and disgust. There is no crueler jest then this, I think, to be so close and yet have a yawning chasm between us.

"Now," Severus' voice was harsh with Razi, "you understand."

"Yes, yes." I try to dismiss him, but the memory persists. How he must have hated me, claiming as I did that I could understand. But this pain...this something I could not have foreseen.

Potter...Desi in truth and how strange is it that the savior of the wizarding world was a soul sucking demon? The child attempted to climb into Severus' lap and for once in his life the man does not seem inclined to reject physical contact. They sprawled together on the floor in a lump of black robes and black hair.

They seem to cower before us, myself and my golden son and it is cause to wonder if this was what they truly felt, even in that time when we were lovers. Did they always lie before us, beasts before their masters?

"Father." Draco pulled on my arm. "A moment between us, perhaps?"

I followed him docilely enough to the bedroom and as soon as the door slammed shut behind us, he threw himself into my arms. To hold him again after so long was delicious torture, feeling his lithe body fit to mine and know that this was my Abdiel, my most precious treasure. When he leaned up and brushed his lips against mine it was the closest thing to love I'd known in decades.

"Draco...this isn't right..."

"No." He ground out, stepping back from me and I barely bit back my sigh at his departure. "It isn't. Look...forget that for a moment. The war, that's more important now. We were Dominations, Father." He reminded me, both of our past and our present. Our hideous paradox. "With that knowledge, we can manipulate the events here to end the war in our favor. Once that is over...we can figure out everything else."

My beautiful practical boy.

With something to focus on, the agony of our dilemma was pushed from our minds. We exited the room with something resembling composure, startling our demonic counterparts from a fairly innocuous embrace. Roughly, quickly, I sketched out our plans and we came rapidly to agreement.

What to say of those months of war? I could say it was a time of many masks, but my mortal life had always been a series of false faces. I could say it was a time of vast denial, but even in the years before I had been attracted to my golden child and only now could I give name to that desire. I could even say it was a time of blood, but so much has been shed under my watchful glance as Caleb that it did not define it at all.

Mostly it was a time of rage. Between us, we four who were all at one time divine had such an anger that we could have quelled whole other armies. The fights that we had were spectacular in scale and would tear on for hours. Between the dark ones and us was always the pain of our sacrifice. What rivalry that had been patched between the younger ones had been ripped again to shreds. They relied on each other in battle, but in the lull of peace they screamed verbal atrocities like Muggle bullets. When they forgot themselves their insults would range into the guttural language of their origin while those around them watched in shock.

Razi and I.... it was worse then any juvenile scraping in the dirt. We simply sat and stared and hated with a depth beyond doubt. We never raised a hand to each other nor exchanged a cross word, but the tension rose to such heights that in our presence the younger ones made peace with each other to survive.

Between the demons themselves...only there was there any sort of peace. They seemed to have accepted their situation and after so many years of separation had become unpalatable. Whenever it would not be question, Harry was at Severus side, never close enough to be misconstrued as sexual, but with a closeness that bordered on obscene nonetheless.

Draco, my lovely Abdiel, perhaps between him and I, it was the worst. Not the cold searing hatred or vicious fights for us. Only this pressure cooker of repressed desire that built on itself and flamed anger. We fought over every point of strategy, picked apart plans that were flawless and spoke with the quick biting tongues our family was known for. All the while, apologizing to each other silently, anything to keep the want at bay.

And once the last Death Eater had fallen and Voldemort himself was nothing more then a soggy pile of ash....our rage fell from us like the shackles it had been and we were nothing more then actors, empty of roles and left on the stage without a script.

It was Desi, who stood then, rising from the dirt that remained of his first true kill as a mortal and made our decisions. The four of us on the last battle field and the shimmering green eyes of the 'savior' flashing. He kneeled down to Severus, to where his partner had fallen to his knees and pulled him down for a hard, pressing kiss. When he finally pulled away, there were visible strands of sticking magic between their lips.

"Let us go from this place." And like some tired, bloody Moses, he led us from the field, parting the tall grass like water.

)*(

Once I was an angel and then I was beautiful, innocent and strong and had the love of God, the choir and my beloved. We sang and rejoiced in the glory and rapture until it seemed so much that we would burst. That was more then enough.

I learned to question and to feel pain. I chose to Fall.

Once I was a demon and I had lost my beauty and my innocence, but I still had Razi, my secret to light in the darkness. That was more then enough.

I learned about sacrifice and misplaced affection. I was ripped from reality.

Once I was a boy and I had innocence again, but I lost my memory. I though that was more then enough.

I learned about what I was. I knew to much to go back.

Once I was a savior and I didn't know if I have anything left, but a tangle of faces and personas that I have worn. A fleet of anger at my back. That was not enough.

I learned about death and endings. I walked away.

And now...now I am only a man. And I have back love, but it is jaded now. I have some beauty, but I have learned that beauty is worth only so much. I have my memory and most of the time, I wish I did not. I will make it enough.

)*(

After years of being different people, it was disturbingly easy to fit into our new home. The battle over and won, we took what money we had, quite a lot in the Malfoy vault and bought a house, papers and a boat in the States. The house was nice enough, the town friendly enough though they'd probably be less so if they knew our natures and the boat was sea worthy.

As soon as we were settled in, I set out to heal our lives. I had never been without a task in all my long years and I was not about to go idle now.

It was Draco whom I went to first when we'd only been there a week. In all that time, none of us have made an effort at conversation, hiding in our separate rooms and nursing our various and sundry wounds. It was time to move forward.

I found him on the dock in the summer twilight. The heat had forced him to give up his meticulous neatness. His trousers were rolled up long calves and his shirt sleeves were unbuttoned and hung off his arms like broken wings. There was a book lying next to him, unopened as he stared out onto the water.

"It's beautiful isn't."

"Shit!" He shivered and glared at me. "You startled me."

"Sorry." I offered, before sliding down beside him. "Sorry."

"Twice? What's the second for?"

"For not being grateful that you fell for me. For being so angry at you for so long." I paused, but he only stared, so I said it once more. "I'm sorry."

"You're a fucking piece of work, Potter. Has anyone ever told you that?" He sighed and shifted, turning from me.

"You have. Fairly regularly. Look, I mean it. There isn't really a way for be apologize that isn't ridiculous. All I can say is that I accept you're sacrifice for me, even if I think it was wrong. You could have stayed forever..."

"And been stagnated? Another mindless drone, unquestioning in my divine right as middle management?" His bitterness was startling, even after all that had happened. Somehow, deep in my mind, I still had a picture of him as full of rapture, giggling during sex and excited at the thought of pain. "I would have fallen eventually. At least with you...it was for a worthy cause."

"But loosing Caleb? Was that worth it?"

Silence tighter then a vise closed around us. Slowly, he began to tremble and tears began to leak from the corner of his silvery eyes. Tentatively, I drew him towards me and in a violent fit, he crawled into me, tearing and my clothes and sobbing for breath between his cries. I wept with him, our pain so akin that I finally understood our enmity. When the wound is so deep, you do not want for anyone to understand. It is to much to hurt that way not only in oneself, but to see it mirrored in others.

When the dark descended and the last plaintive wail ripped from our throats, we slumped against each other utterly spent. It was only in the safety of darkness that I was able to finally say,

"All is not lost, Abdiel. We are far from any one who would know us and all that remains between you is a coat of life that is a lie."

"He won't have me for all that." He whispered back, his voice hoarse from tears. "That veil of lies is enough."

"Perhaps. Come, to the house before we freeze."

Tentative and aching we stumbled towards the soft glow of home.

I waited a month before cornering Lucius. I would have gone sooner, but I had to rebuild with Draco first and foremost. Together we explored our new home, going out for hours at a time and crafting our newest masks for the locals. We ate languid meals together and shopped for clothes we would never wear. For instances, I missed Hermione and Ron with intensity, but it was far too late to return to that life. It belonged to someone else.

When I felt it safe enough and the rhythm of our lives had become dull, I ferreted out the elder Malfoy. As precarious and cool as ever, he had ensconced himself in the study, turning it into his own recreation room. While Draco and I made our peace, he was learning everything about Muggles, preparing for a life among them. The television was almost always on and all sorts of books littered the room, stacking into perilous towers. Lucius would always be helpless at order without his army of House Elves.

I did not knock. Despite his insistence on manners, Lucius respected no one who followed etiquette. I busted instead, slamming the door open and letting my eyes blaze. Blessed be to my mother who's eyes are my best tool in all things.

Lucius only stared, startled from his concentration on what appeared to be a cellphone. Perfectly coifed as his son and twice as deadly. Until that very moment, he thought of me as nothing. As Desi, I had been a distant memory welcomed as an extension of Razi and as Harry, I was a necessary, quiet evil. For months, I had tiptoed around him, avoiding his gaze. No more.

"Why do you hide in here?" I spit out, immediately, not giving him time to question my presence. "What kind of coward are you?"

"No one calls Malfoys cowards, you son of swine." His anger is so unlike Draco's...Draco burns, Lucius freezes. "Get out."

"Why are you so afraid to take back Abdiel? Why do you forbid him even the simplest conversation?" I pressed on, ignoring the fury that pounded off of him in waves. "Do you wish to live in agony? Are you punishing him for brining you along for the Fall or are you denying yourself in repentance?" Years of politics had built him a perfect mask of stillness, but his hands betrayed him as they tightened in to fists. "Would you have him die never knowing your touch again so you could heal some long ago sin?"

"Enough!" The yell echoed through the house, trembling the walls of his study. He had jumped up, his ire propelling him to his feet and now he stood, all mask down to me. And I saw a frightened mortal, who had been to long without guidance.

"He wants only for you, Caleb." Now, I was the one to speak softly. "No amount of denial and isolation will be penance enough for your crimes. Accept that and take what solace is left to you."

"He's my son." The hissing whisper barely left his lips.

"He is only what you make of him. If you wish him to be your lover, then make it so and forget blood ties." A strange thought struck me and I voiced it. "We are all the children of Adam and Eve now, are we not?"

I had never thought to hear Lucius Malfoy laugh with such hysteria. It was something I will never forget though I have no wish to hear it ever again. I left him there, quaking under the force of his own emotion and returned to my cold empty room.

I did not see Draco or Lucius for three days and when they finally emerged, it was as if they were divine again. For a long, ugly moment, the old jealousy arose like bile from the stomach and I wished for days when I could have crawled back to hell and nurse my wounds.

Instead, I did the next best thing. I ventured into the basement. This was the last of things to fix, the very last step that had to be taken. I took the stairs one at a time, deliberately creaking. Never sneak up on a potions master unless you planned for several days spent in recovery.

The basement was Severus' domain. The whole of it converted into a laboratory for anything his strange mind should desire to create. Fat, long tables groaned under the weight of equipment and ingredients. Every surface, including the cot he chose to sleep in, were strewn with papers that in turn were covered with his precise even hand.

He watched me with dark eyes over a steaming cauldron. I felt weary very suddenly and sank onto one tall stool. Carefully clearing away a small bit of table, I leaned heavily on my fist and watched him. Assuring himself that my presence was not going away, he turned back to his work moving with decisive confidence. I had never seen him work like this before and it was incredible. Things seemed to blur in and out of reality around him as he stirred, added and simmered with determination.

I must have fallen asleep for when I was next aware, he stood over me.

I realized that I was done with words, done with provoking, consoling and apologizing. Instead, I opened myself in a way that I had once used as second nature. My mind, body and soul became his to devour and I thrust every ounce of my love and desire at him.

A delicate moment and nothing happened, I was sure I had made a mistake or perhaps, he would, after all this time, reject me for good. Until I felt the answering acceptance and a wash of love as familiar as an old sweater was wrapped around me. It was bliss, it was rapture and it was glory.

We coupled together on the narrow cot and regained all that we had lost. We said good-byes to Razi and Desi, to secrets and desire and welcomed something new, something nameless and strange. I welcomed him into me. My heart and my beloved.