Knowing
I knew you were always there, David --- I knew I would not
be punished. How Great Thou Art !
Let me ask you this --- If I knew this, would I have let it get
so out of hand ? I'm sorry --- experience --- that's all it was.
Damages have long been forgotten --- experiences that haunt us
needlessly, on and on --- suffering --- Quite a disturbing factor,
this need to punish ourselves, repeatedly. We can forgive
another, but we cannot forgive ourselves !
Anger --- why am I so weak, when I should be strong --- why
do I keep locked-up inside, what feels so wrong ? All these
words, raging through my mind --- yet I never seem to find a way
to speak --- I am so weak !! --- this loathing of self, so very deep;
at night I can't even sleep !
Sometimes I want to scream and shout --- let everything out, share
my deepest secrets --- Maybe someone will care. And other
times, I put on the mask of goodness and pretend it isn't there.
I feel so much shame, for I know that I am to blame for this pain
and rage that seethes within --- Some terrible sin of the past won't
set me free --- got a-hold-on-me! --- a karmic debt I have to pay;
I know I'll burn on Judgement Day !
I'm so afraid of what I feel --- so real is my need for justice to be
done ! But, then guilt kicks in --- my own sin --- and it sets me
on the run !
Anger, Panic, Fear --- all so very near ! --- What kind of monster
am I --- a hypocrite --- if I cry in outrage at the pain inflicted on
me by someone I trusted, so innocently ? For I know I must abide
by the laws of goodness and cast all this darkness aside. I must
not feel this way --- I cannot actually say what's on my mind; I am
afraid of what I'll find !
Oh, sweet child of Mine ! --- Don't you see you already have the
cure --- to the pure, all things are pure ! Allow yourself the
freedom to express, to live, to explore the whole of who you are,
My Most Glorious Star !
Don't you know that I am a part of everything in life --- what you
call "good" and "bad", "happy" and "sad". It's all a part of
living, loving, experiencing --- the progressive journey of the soul --
a little spark of Me, being delivered into Ecstasy !
Take off the
mask and embrace the Whole --- accept yourself --- face the
darkness in your soul with humor at the mischief you create ---
allow it to become a part of your goodness, evolving, flowing,
growing --- there's nothing at all to hate !
Know Thyself --- you are so much a part of Me --- Walk with
your head held high --- on to Victory --- Walk with Me !
Jacob, Delta Eight
11/17/00
Background & Graphics byBonita*ladeebon*2000-2001