The Autograph Connection: Random Thoughts December 2002

Random Thoughts & Autograph Experiences
December 2002

The necessary evil known as eBay

I don’t naturally bite the hand that feeds me. That’s why I’ve waited nearly two years to write this column.

You see, I used to work for eBay when I lived in Utah. I was an Operations Analyst for eBay. My job was to make sure that the web site stayed up and running, working as a liaison between our technical ops group located in San Jose and the customer support group in Utah. I looked at “bugs", or technical glitches, which were reported by customers that interfered with the many features associated with eBay and made sure that those "bugs" went away.

As most of you know, I am an eBay seller on occasion. I am also an eBay buyer.

But I’ve grown tired of the whole eBay game. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I had more time on my hands. You see, in order for me to list a simple thing like a CD or an autographed photo that I don’t have room for, I have to go through some lengthy steps. First, you have to take a picture of the item. Then, I have to download the picture off my camera, crop it and resize it so it’s not the pixilated size of a 16 X 20 photo. After that, I have to list the item on eBay (thank the stars for Mister Lister) which includes uploading the photo once again and writing a flowery description to make the item sell. Not to mention that I have to reread what I just wrote in the description so I don’t get screwed on shipping charges or have some International bidder bid on the item and say “You’ll ship the photo to Siberia for $2, right?”

Then, the waiting game. You wait for a week while the auction is going and have to answer emails from potential bidders who ask you inane questions like, “If I fly out to Florida to pick up my $3 CD, can I save on shipping costs?” Every once in a while you’ll see a bid before the last 10 minutes of the auction but its becoming more and more rare. People would rather wait until the last minute to place their bid and then they complain when someone outbids them with 3 seconds remaining on the clock. They even have the audacity to email me and say, “It’s not fair! I should win this item. Would you tell the winning bidder that you don’t have the item anymore so you can sell it to me?”

The auction ends and you send out emails to the winning bidders and beg them to send you money for the items they won. Then you get a response from eBay saying, “Oh, by the way, we know your auction ended successfully but we suspended the high bidder. So, try emailing the second high bidder and beg them into honoring their bid.”

The money is finally received. You wrap up the package, drive to the post office, wait in line at the post office, have to deal with the welfare recepient’s children in front of you who are being loud and unattended to. Then, you get to the counter and have the postal worker try to get you to ship everything priority mail. “It’s only a nickel difference,” they’d say. What part of “Ship it out the cheapest way possible, please” do they not understand?

Two weeks later you get an email from that bidder saying, “I just left you feedback. Would you return the favor?” So, I have to go back to eBay once again to leave some colorful remark to make them feel all warm inside. So, I cheese it up as much as possible like “This guy is an asset to eBay and the universe! Three thumbs up! This bidder cures Cancer!”

That’s not to mention the costs associated with the auction. First, eBay charges you a listing fee. Then, when the item sells, they charge you a final value fee. Then, if the bidder uses Paypal, they also charge you a fee for using Paypal. Not to mention the cost of my gas to get to the post office. And, I’m not about to write about the cost of my time. That’s a whole ‘nother diatribe.

So, why do I do it? Because of who eBay is. eBay is the largest Internet swap meet available. I don’t even know how many millions of eBay users are registered. When I was still working for eBay, there was something like ten millions users and that was two years ago. eBay is used as a noun, a verb, and as an adjective. People say, “I’m going eBaying today.” So, it's all about marketing. This little ol’ Geocities site just doesn’t reach the audience that an eBay auction can. Some of my auctions garner more hits in a week than the number of hits I get in a month on this web site.

I even thought these things while I was working at eBay. Why do people go to these lengths to sell and buy on eBay? My response is simple: we are all creatures of some habit. People have to buy stuff. For me, selling on eBay helps me support my addiction known as autographing. As long as I keep getting autographs, I have to support my habit somehow. By purchasing my items on eBay, you afford me an opportunity to go to Spring Training, to purchase new cards for those trips, to pay for my gas, to pay for the time I spend writing these “Random Thoughts” and reporting on what players and celebrities sign their name through the mail or in person.

And, everything has its price...

Fun With Words

I thought the following sentence from a Baseball America article was humorous. They were talking about the Billy Koch-Keith Foulke trade and were talking about how this trade would give Miguel Olivo an opportunity to play every day in Chicago. The article said:

Though Olivo played in just six games, it was enough to show his savvy behind and at the plate.

On my first read of that sentence, I thought the author was critiquing his butt when he mentioned “his savvy behind.”

What is this Printout stuff you're talking about?

A few of you have noticed in my in-person autographing segments of these "Random Thoughts" that I mention that the player signed a "printout." I've had a few people ask what I am talking about. So, before I have to go put this in my FAQ section, here's my response:

You see, the Autographer is building a house. Houses cost money. Lots of money. The downpayment by itself is a lot of money. The more money you give the bank for a downpayment, the less you will pay for your monthly mortgage. Not sure what a mortgage is? Go look it up on Dictionary.com

Because cards and photos and basketballs cost money, the Autographer can't afford to purchase them because of the aforementioned house that he is building. Therefore, the Autographer finds nice pictures of the NBA players that are coming into town and makes a nice collage of that player. When he "prints them out" they magically become a "printout."

You ask, "But Mr. Autographer, those printouts don't sound resellable?" You're right. You were paying attention in Economics class. The Autographer is proud of you. But the Autographer, in reiteration, is a collector first...and an autograph dealer secondly. The Autographer values his autographs not solely by monetary measurements, but also by sentimental measurements.

I'm happy to get Dan Dickau on a printout. I think it looks great. I'm happy to get Ansu Sesay on a printout. Know of anyone else that has one? You don't. Because I made it.

And it didn't cost me a dime...OK, maybe a dime for the cost of the ink for the printer.

You got balls to go to court

The Barry Bonds ball trial is over. The judge ruled that the proceeds of the sale of the ball would be split in half for the plaintiffs. Half for Alex Popov, who had it first, and half for Patrick Hayashi, who had it last.

I’ve laughed at this situation since the very beginning. Here are two grown men acting like kids on a playground fighting over who had possession of a ball. I could understand two grown men fighting over the love of a beautiful, curvaceous woman…but a ball? So, while this judge had to endure hearing this trial, other more worthy trials were being delayed. You got to love our judicial system.

Now, for the sale of the ball. The judge said that he expects the value of the ball to be near one million dollars. Do either of these babies deserve a half million dollars, just because they happened to be at the right place at the right time (or right place, wrong time if you believe that Popov had the ball for 6/10 of a second in his glove)?

Please, please, please, do not bid on this ball. Actually, someone please bid on the ball some outrageously low bid, like .84 cents. That way, Popov and Hayashi can split the proceeds right down the middle.

Nothing like an extra 42 cents in your pocket.

In-Person Autographing

Boston Celtics: Not a team that I get really excited about but the waiting for autographs was made fun by some of the conversations I had with other autograph collectors. No acknowledgment to the fans by Paul Pierce, Walter McCarty, or Eric Williams. Eric really surprised me as he’s always been personable to the fans. I left early so didn’t get a chance to get Walker, though I heard later that Antoine signed for about five or six people. Baker signed for a handful but didn’t sign for me. That’s what I get for not being “aggressive” enough and letting the kids who were there get in front of me to get Vinny’s autograph.

But after the last few seasons in Seattle, I was not at all hurt that Vin didn’t sign for me. I’m just glad he’s on another team. Here's my haul for the day:

Jim O’Brien, Lester Connor, Dick Harter: coaches printout
Tom Heinsohn: photo
Cedric Maxwell: card
Kedrick Brown: printout
Shammond Williams: card
Tony Delk: card
Tony Battie: card

Golden State Warriors: As the players came back from practice, I was able to get Troy Murphy. Jason Richardson stopped to sign for the only other autographer but I had my sites on Mike Dunleavy so I didn't bug Jason. I should have bugged Jason. Mike ignored both of us autographers.

Before I went back to work, I was also able to get Jiri Welsh and Oscar Torres. Danny Fortson said he'd sign for us after he got back from lunch but I didn't have the time to wait around for him.

Jiri Welsh: printout
Troy Murphy: printout
Oscar Torres: printout

I returned as they were getting on the bus for the game:
Mike Dunleavy: printout (made this day worthy!)
Jason Richardson: printout
Gilbert Arenas: printout
Antawn Jamison: printout
Otis Smith: printout
Mark Osowski and Phil Hubbard: coaches printout
Chris Mills, Earl Boykins, and Erick Dampier: one card each

Fortson punked me by not signing but it was great to finally get Mills.

Milwaukee Bucks: Finally got Cassell for the first time ever. That was nice. However, Ray Allen was being, well, Ray Allen. Here's my haul:

Marcus Haislip: printout
Dan Gadzuric: printout
Sam Mitchell, George Karl, Don Newman, Ron Adams: coaches printout
Toni Kukoc: 1 card
Sam Cassell: 1 card
Jason Caffey: 2 cards
Tim Thomas: 1 card (signature is looking really awful these days)
Kevin Ollie: printout
Jamal Sampson: printout
Anthony Mason: 1 card
Ervin Johnson: 2 cards
Michael Redd: 1 card

Thomas, Cassell, Kukoc or Mason would not sign doubles. Allen told us that he would sign “at the game.” Right. Joel Przybilla (or however you spell his name) did not acknowledge us when he asked him to sign.

Redd’s autograph looked rather sloppy but that may not have been all his fault. There was a taxi trying to get past him and us autograph hounds so he rushed his signature. I should of just pulled my card out of the line but instead got a sloppy sig.

This month's mailbox

Joe Klink: Relief pitcher who had his best years with the Oakland A’s and the expansion Florida Marlins. Appeared in just three games in 1996 with the Seattle Mariners. Kept two of my cards (both Marlins cards) but did sign the two A’s cards I sent.

Pat Rice: Pitched seven games in 1991 for the Mariners, with fairly decent numbers but then dropped off the radar screen never to pitch again in the Majors. I asked him about this in my letter but did not get a response. Supposedly he is still in the Mariners organization in some capacity, as I read that he was being considered for one of Bob Melvin’s coaching vacancies.

Joe Paterno: 1 signed card. I actually sent a large envelope in the hopes of getting a photo from the Penn State AD. Instead, I got a trading card signed by Joe Pa. Nice success but wasted a few extra stamps on this request.

Tubby Smith: preprint photo. Only thing that bugs me about this preprint was that I got a response from his secretary while UK was in the Hawaii shootout. She said that he would sign one when he got back from Hawaii. When he "got back" he sent me a preprint. I guess that response would work for someone that can't tell the difference between a preprint and a real autograph.

Dann Howitt: played briefly in Seattle (45 games between ’92 and ’93). Also included a note that he didn't really do much in the majors but he did get the last hit off of Nolan Ryan...just happened that the hit was a grand slam.

Dwayne Henry: A reliever for his career, spent time in Houston, Texas and Cincinatti with a very brief stop in Seattle (31 games in 1993) towards the end of his career.

Phil Martelli, St. Joseph’s Basketball Coach: Sent via email, this Atlantic 10 hoops coach sent me a signed program of himself. The program was also signed by Cindy Griffin, the women’s hoop coach. The team was 5-0 at the time of my receiving the program led by Jameer Nelson and Delonte West who could be easily play at the next level.

Paul Hewitt: head coach of Georgia Tech basketball sent a signed Media Guide. Sent the request via email (you can email me for the address if you're a Rambling Wreck fan).

Ernie Kent: head coach of Oregon Ducks. Sent a media guide but it wasn't signed. Kent's team has two of the Pac 10's best players in Luke Ridnour and Luke Jackson.

Roy Hartsfield: First manager of the Toronto Blue Jays. Signed one card but did not fill out the questionairre that I sent requesting info about the 1977 season.

Matt Mieske: Another former Mariners success. Played 24 games for the Mariners in 1999 but his best playing days were with Milwaukee in the mid 90s. Signed three cards.

Tim Welsh: Providence Hoops Head Coach, sent a signed personalized 8 X 10 photo along with a preprint signed photo of the entire team.

Dick Snyder: former Sonics player who played on the 1979 Championship team. Signed one printout and added a nice letter thanking me for the printout (I sent an extra one for him) and adding his memories of playing for the Supes. Nice success.

Ted Wood: Former SF Giants prospect and former Olympian. Signed 2/2 cards and sent a little note saying that he's still active in Team USA.

Dan Monson: Head Hoops Coach for U of Minnesota. Sent a signed photo printout along with a nice unsigned program of Aaron Robinson (though Aaron rarely plays).

Final Thoughts

As we approach the holiday season, I wish you and yours a happy holiday season, whatever holidays you celebrate. May our mailboxes be full (not with credit card offers or pointless catalogs) and our autographing experiences be memorable.