How To Impress A Woman:

·        Wine her,

 

·        Dine her;

 

·        Call her,

 

·        Hug her,

 

·        Support her,

 

·        Hold her,

 

·        Surprise her,

 

·        Compliment her,

 

·        Smile at her,

 

·        Listen to her,

 

·        Laugh with her,

 

·        Cry with her,

 

·        Romance her,

 

·        Encourage her,

 

·        Believe in her,

 

·        Pray with her,

 

·        Pray for her,

 

·        Cuddle with her,

 

·        Shop with her,

 

·        Give her jewelry,

 

·        Buy her flowers,

 

·        Hold her hand,

 

·        Write love letters to her,

 

·        Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

 

 How to impress a man:

 

·        Show up naked

 

·        Bring chicken wings

 

·        Don't block the TV

 

 

A horse, a chicken and a Harley. Or: Why I need a Harley

 

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

 

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and

proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

 

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

 

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing

and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

 

The moral of the story? .. (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

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Two Iranians meet in Miami. One starts to greet the other in Farsi, the language of their native country. The other Iranian waved him away contemptuously and said, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!"

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One Other Small Thought...  The highways will be safer now that the price of gasoline is so high. Nobody can afford to drink AND drive.

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A woman took her car to her auto mechanic's shop for him to check out a problem for her.  "Every time I take any of my friends out in the car, after awhile there's this terrible smell.  It never happens when I'm by myself."

 

This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, then let's go for a test drive and see what the problem is."

 

Off they went.  She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction, ran several cars off the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians, in a pedestrian crosswalk, ran a couple red lights, and just missed a policeman directing traffic.

 

They returned to the workshop and she said, "See, there's that terrible smell.  Can you smell it?"

 

"Smell it, heck lady, I'm sitting in it."

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A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet!"