In 1983, some amazing things happened. However only 2 things stick out in my mind. Firstly I celebrated my 1st birthday. Brilliant. Secondly Lionel Richie released a massively popular track entitled 'Hello.' It was a romantic ballad featuring such heart-meltingly romantic lyrics such as: "In my dreams I've kissed your lips 1000 times." Beautiful. Or so you'd think. Only problem is that the track featured a promo video which takes the whole sentiment of the song and turns it into something downright seedy, creepy, slightly disconcerting and EXTREMELY scary. Read on dear readers as we enter the strange world of Mr Lionel Richie.

THE VIDEO!!!!

It all starts off innocently enough with Mr Reynolds (Lionel demonstrating that not only can he sing but act as well, bringing a great deal of emotion to the challenging part of a drama teacher.) staring intensely at a black clipboard while his class sit around understandably looking slightly quizzical. The growing unease is thankfully lifted as Mr Reynolds slowly bursts into life. Now, we all remember our Drama teachers from school. Slightly camp. Terrible dress sense. Slip on shoes. Flyaway hair (to bring that little bit extra to any spontaneous dances you may wish to perform.) These are all qualities that Mr Reynolds possesses in abundance. Another thing about Drama teachers was the sheer number of quite ludicrous games and skit ideas they had up their sleeves. Who has not had to pretend to grow from a tiny seed to a mighty oak, performed a dance based upon Police Academy 8:Mission To Moscow or turned the air blue because "the piece required swearing." Mr Reynolds is from this school of Drama lessons, giving a ridiculous 'situation' to two poor unsuspecting class members. One poor fella has to pretend he's been in jail for 25 years and is trying to ask a girl out on a date. Mr Reynolds turns sharply, almost taking out the entire front row with the tail end of his mullet/perm and asks Laura, (Remember the name for future reference) to play the part of said girl.

As a disappointed Mr Reynolds looks on in despair at the wooden acting a soft intro starts up. His expression changes from one of utter revulsion to a slightly creepy fixed stare. Anyone would think he's staring at Laura...... HOLD ON!! He IS staring at Laura!! Not only that but he then spontaneously breaks into song. In the middle of a lesson. What sort of teacher sacks off an important lesson to begin singing about a thoroughly unrelated topic?? "I've Been Alone With You Inside My Mind. And In My Dreams I've Kissed Your Lips 1000 Times." Now, no offence Mr Reynolds but some parents may have a few issues if you started singing that to their daughter. Well it's just a good thing she isn't blind.

Only..... Laura IS blind!!! And if she isn't she's doing a bang up job of convincing everyone otherwise.   Naturally the kids all decide to shit off as Mr Reynolds is far too concerned with staring out of windows looking lovelorn than actually doing what he's being paid to do. Imagine what they tell their parents when they get home: Parent: Have a good day at school? Student: Yeah, it was ok, our drama teacher started randomly singing about kissing the blind girl again though. Parent: Oh, thats nice. More fishfingers anyone? Anyway, it's nice to see that Mr Reynolds infatuation with a disabled hasn't got to the point where he stalks her knowing full well that she can't see him. Oh..... I forgot........thats exactly what he does do. First he's standing behind her as she reaches into her locker (amazing she doesn't get confused which one is her's considering the sheer volume of lockers in the corridor......blind??....are you sure??) singing really loudly, clearly forgetting that she's blind not deaf. This shows incredible ignorance on the part of Mr Reynolds as he clearly believes she has been inflicted with a full range of disabilities. "You're all I've ever wanted, and my arms are open wide" Now if I was creating my perfect woman the ability to see would be a bonus. Some might say a necessity. But maybe if she could see maybe she wouldn't find me attractive?! Good thinking on Mr Reynolds behalf there, covering all bases. After following her down the hall for a bit, managing to overcome the temptation to trip her up he stands by a doorframe putting on his best lovelorn face which makes numerous appearances.

We then see Laura in Art class being led to a table which has a gargantuan bust on it.This thing is massive. Seriously. But what could it possibly be?? Whatever it is, it appears to have a very flaky scalp which can be easily remedied through using some Head and Shoulders Anti Dandruff Shampoo.

Mr Reynolds continues his stalking of the poor girl, attempting to snatch at her hair, prod her and generally make a nuisance of himself wherever and whenever possible. First he tracks her down in the dinner hall where she's trying (far too successfully for my liking) to drink some form of beverage. Mr Reynolds slides in from nowhere muttering something about being able to see the sunlight in her hair. Now......surely he's just taking the piss because they are in a well lit area and you can clearly see the shine off the top of Laura's perfectly styled cheap perm (Hmmmm......perfectly styled......). Mr Reynolds CAN see the sunlight in her hair. Is he just mocking her disability? Just as he is about to stroke her, Laura's mates turn up ensuring that Mr Reynolds has to turn quickly in a 'What??I wasn't doing anything!' manner, quickly shoving the tops of his hands into his all too tight jeans and walking nonchalantly away. Singing to himself. This behaviour doesn't raise suspicion however as Laura's friends are all too busy sitting around touching her and patronising her. Probably.

Next we see Mr Reynolds invading a Dance class where he minces around the sides throwing glances over his shoulder at the leotard clad Laura singing "Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?" He is clearly under the impression that just because Laura can't see him, no one can as he struts around the Dance class thinking he is going completely undetected. He isn't. Because lets face it, if a teacher suddenly burst into one of your lessons declaring his love for a pupil via the medium of song, you wouldn't ignore him. Especially if he looked like Mr Reynolds.

The scene then cuts to late night where Laura is keeping up the blind pretence by reading a book with no words. Clearly this is where we should feel sorry for her as she's been ripped off at WH Smiths. They must have told her she was buying Harry Potter when really she just bought an A4 Refill Pad. The phone goes......"Who could possibly be ringing at this time of night??" (my words,not hers) Is it her friends inviting her out to a party tomorrow? Is it her boyfriend telling her that he's on his way over? NO At the other end is Mr Reynolds who doesn't speak for a good 8 seconds as he lets the backing music catch up with him before exclaiming the immortal words "Hello, is it me you're looking for?" Spiteful. She's blind remember Mr Reynolds. Which in laymens terms means she can't see. He only sings the one line at her before hanging up and singing to himself a bit more in a dimly lit hallway about how to win her heart because he hasn't got a clue. I'm no expert but a good place to start would be to: (a) talk to her (b) stop phoning her late at night (c) stop singing trite songs at her randomly throughout the day Now anyone else would be straight onto the Police without a second thought. Not our Laura, she just smiles a bit and listens to the dial tone for far too long before putting the phone back down. Weirdo.

Back to school we go where Mr Reynolds is sat at his piano bashing away at the keys while his leg moves independently of his body. Again we see Mr Reynolds not teaching anyone anything. He's not strolling around the school trying to touch blind people or waltzing unnanounced into other peoples classes at least, but his output really should be a cause of some concern to the Headteacher at the school. At a conventient lull in the music some fella swaggers in, hand firmly tucked into the pocket of his tight jeans to tell Mr Reynolds that  "...something is going on in the sculpture class" Intriguing.

So into the sculpture class strolls Mr Reynolds. The word 'class' was used slightly out of context by the fella who came to see Mr Reynolds as a class is generally thought of as being a group of students being taught together. Only in this class the only student is Laura and in front of her sits the bust which we only got glimpses of earlier. She claims that she's wanted him to see it so many times before turning it around to reveal.............????? Words fail me. Even for a blind person it's fucking rubbish. The only thing it bears any sort of resemblance to is the Incredible Hulk. With a mullet. And porno-tache. Sensing an easy pull, an all too thrilled Mr Reynolds sits down and calls it "Wonderful." Now hold on......... The Mona Lisa is wonderful, the Sistine Chapel is wonderful, the Statue of David is wonderful. A horrible gurning face made out of mud and poo?? Not wonderful. Never been wonderful. Mr Reynolds then leans in and grabs her hands with slightly too much force while singing at her some more until they both put on fixed smiles until the video faeds to black. In conclusion they are clearly both weird. He loves running round schools pretending to be a teacher, taunting disabled people through song while she pretends to be blind in order to pull him and satisfy his fetish for 'differently abled' people. I hope they're both happy. I'm scared now.