Yam

Old Adverts Are Rubbish!!

As we all know from history books, the late 19th Century and early 20th Century were rubbish. Books informed us that people from this period threw shit out of their windows onto their doorsteps below therefore hardly eliminating the problem of a fetid smelling house. We also know that they chased hoops with sticks for fun, ate babies, rationed laughing, discovered cats, wore Shepherds Pie on their heads to ward of evil spirits, read paper based literature called books and bathed in lemonade. These are FACTS. And currently a bleak picture is being painted of this period in our illustrious history. To make it even worse consider a world where there are no Sega Saturns. No George Foreman's Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machines. No England Car Flags. No Escalators. No fun surely?? WRONG!! What these folk did know how to do was to have a damn good laugh. Papers and magazines were littered with farcical, non-existent products and ironic advertisments. As it took 17 years for news to travel between towns, newspapers had very little to write about, instead filling their pages with a series of humorous adverts for goods that no-one was actually expected to buy. Details of these products have been sketchy at best throughout the years but I can now exclusively bring you the actual adverts placed in newspapers throughout the land. It would be easy to trivialise and patronise these products. So that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Okey dokey.....here we have a 'Self Propelling Bath Chair' which is basically a glorified wheelchair or a bastard tricycle which boldly (and probably falsely) proclaims that it can 'alleviate human pain.' Now I don't see how sitting in a wicker basket can alleviate pain. If anything it would generate pain. Just imagine going over a cobbled street in it, you'd be vibrating for weeks after. Interestingly the advert says 'Don't Be Handicapped.' I may be wrong, and please correct me if I am, but disabilities aren't things you can turn on and off. I'm sure Stephen Hawking doesn't say 'Ah sod this voice box, I'm going to speak properly today and then go and run round the house and do a handstand.' Whether it's some form of motivational spiel for disabled people to chant I don't know. One thing is for sure. It's creepy. Lastly, the 'Bath Chair' allows invalids to accompany friends on excursions. Just so long as they're not going on a running up stairs excursion I take it.

Here we have a variation on a theme. Instead of a 'Bath Chair' this is a 'Self Propelling Chair.' As this young gentleman has one arm in a sling one can only assume that the only travelling he'll be doing is round in circles. And judging from the massive legs of the chair which are seemingly on the floor, if he manages to go round in circles he'll have done well. And wheelies are definitely out of the question. Lets be honest, this is just an armchair with wheels strapped to it. No thought has gone into the design. It's the modern day equivalent of strapping a phone to a camera to a Gameboy to a radio. Despite clearly being rubbish, the advert makes a bold and ill advised claim. It allows disableds to 'forget their handicap.' Personally I don't believe that. If you've just broken your leg and your arm as the fella in the advert has, the introduction of an armchair with wheels won't result in said victim forgetting about their lack of limb movement. Thats as ludicrous as suggesting that by putting someone riddled with cancer in a customised bed, they'll forget they have no hair and are radiocative as fishfingers. It won't happen you silly old fashioned people. Surely that's false advertising. The courts today would have a field day.

Soup squares....................Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Not only do they sound Mmmmmmmmmmmmm but they're also 'portable' which is useful for when you want to carry your soup round with you. In a handbag lets say. I can't count the number of times I've found myself craving soup when I'm somewhere which doesn't lend itself to the easy consumption of a hot liquid based meal. Clearly I won't face that problem any more if I purchase 'Lazenby's Soup Squares.' They must be good if the worst ever James Bond can lend his illustrious name to the product. However I do have one bone to pick with 'Lazenby's Soup Squares' and that is the rather limited range of flavours available, namely Mulligatawny, Gravy and Julienne. I don't even know what two of those flavours are. So I found out. Apparently Julienne is a kind of soup containing thin slices or shreds of carrots, onions, etc. Yummy. And Mulligatawny is a curry-flavored soup of eastern India, prepared with a meat or chicken base . Also fairly pleasing to the most discerning palate. However Gravy soup?! When was that ever a good idea? Surely 'Lazenby's' would want to advertise their product by including their most delectable soup flavours. So why include gravy? That's not even a soup flavour, more a lumpy stock based liquid that lends itself to being poured over meat. In the same way that Horseradish Sauce or Mint Sauce are yet you'd never find them being bigged up by a soup manufacturer. Poor effort.

I imagine people who used to buy Brandy went through a thought process similar to this: "I could really do with some Brandy but there are so many brands to choose from, how will I ever pick one?.........Ahhh.......hold on.....I remember seeing an......an advert which really caught my eye, grabbed my throat and made me plead for mercy.....but if only I could remember the name of it.....hmmm.....I think it was....Martell's....yes.....that's right. It was! Where other Brandy adverts merely write the product name on a single line in black ink on a white background, Martell's wrote their name on 3 lines!!  I had to read it at least 7 times to make sure I wasn't seeing things. And I wasn't!! What clever people they must have working at their marketing department I imagine that's why I work up chimmneys "

"Mum....can I have a bike for Christmas?" "No you tossing well can't, you're getting real lace like every year."

I imagine we are now seeing the reason that so many people died from the plague. If it is possible to make a remedy sound more revolting I'd like to see it. Everyone hates taking medicine. That is a fact. However if our doctors tell us the medicine tastes of chocolate and warm summer days we lap it up, no questions asked. However old people were far too honest in their descriptions. OOooooo....Lemco is better than Beef Tea! Better than Beef Tea but not necessarily nicer. Far too vague wording for my liking. If I were to buy Lemco I would want reassuring that it's far FAR nicer than Beef Tea, the prospect of which I find less than enticing. Also the wording of the advert makes my brain do silly dances. It doesn't make any sense. It's as if the author swallowed a Thesaurus and regurgitated every big word he could - "Susceptible of easy assimilation...??" Quite. They also don't seem too convinced of Lemco's actual benefits and state no actual medical benefits of taking Lemco, instead making the timid assessment that it's "..perculiarly indespensable..." Now that would not make me feel safe when taking Lemco. I would want strong assurances that it was actually going to help me get better, not half hearted statements. And what other medical remedies are excellent in "..the perparation of meat-jellies?" Point proven I feel.

For the 19th Century Chav The woman on the left is about to climb onto her fellas Penny Farthing which has lowered suspension, bucket seats, chrome handlebars and a massive sound system with Sub Woofer. She's carrying on a 6 pack of Special Brew stashed away in her handbag so that they can get beered up on the park bench later then maybe have a fight. She's sporting the latest coat from Burberry which is able to conceal 5 tonnes of makeup and has secret pockets sewn in to conceal a selection of knives. Classy. The woman on the right is just about to kick a tramp in the face. Does she need a reason? NO. She's a chav.

Take three words that you wouldn't ever put together. For example: Michael Jackson Innocent Dale Winton Straight Fish Eyes Tasty Young Boys Attractive Here are another three - Coal Tar Soap. I bet after using 'Coal Tar Soap' you will smell especially fragrant. In the way that a piece of poo or roadworks smell fragrant. I imagine this is the cleanliness equivalent of eating gravy soup.......now hold on just a sec......where have I heard of that before? For some reason the Father's reply to his little girl has been censored. But why? I'll tell you why.....because this is what was written: Dear Babs(?!), We have just washed each other's willys. It was performed in a sexually charged atmosphere and was our first wash since we left our wives but wasn't it worth waiting for. That Wright's coal Tar Soap made me feel quite fresh again. As a result I'm off to have dirty bum sex with Corporal Adams. I've seen his bum twice. It was fine. Your....(???) Daddy You naughty love rat Daddy.

Here's a simple equation: Women + Beards = Ace But surely there's an easier way of getting rid of a beard than ripping your entire face off. Plus the 'new' face seems to be inflicted with the same beard problem. She clearly has a patch of beard on the left of her face as well as a hefty 5'o'clock shadow. There can only be one logical solution. Time to rip the face off again. Plus here we see the use of big words just for the hell of it again. Superfluous eh....? They aren't the only ones who can make up words.....carontingium.....see I can do it too. The adverts really aren't that subtle either are they now? Rather than address the problem faced by some women in a sensitive and caring manner, the words "BEARDED LADY"  are plastered across the top of the advert. Classy.

"It is so nice!" Well it doesn't bloody look it. How can you refer to disinfecting fluid as nice? Kittens are nice. Houses made entirely of sweets are nice. Children trapped in burning buildings are nice. Disinfecting fluid however does not make it onto my list of things that are nice. For some weird reason.