Homeward Bound

Ahhhh..the world of a minor celeb must be very unfulfilling and completely unsatisfying, devoting your whole life to the crazy, wacky world of 'SHOWBIZ' in the hope that one day you will become famous!However most of them possess no obvious talents, leaving everybody wondering 'Just what is the point of you?' Would the world really suffer if Paul Ross never existed? Would there be tears if the Chuckle Brothers 'unique' brand of humour never made it onto our television sets? Well, it's about time these people got the recognition they deserve. Even if it is on a website that practically no-one will ever visit. Ever. So here's my homage to some of the best worst celebs ever.(Well, in actual fact they arre just some of the ones that amuse me the most.)If you can think of someone thats not on here, let me know and I'll try to add him/her.But remember, the criteria is that they must be rubbish and minor. nothing else will suffice.

Ha Ha, David Blunkett. LOOK AT THE CAMERA DAVID!!IT'S UP HERE, YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE FLOOR!!Oh sod it, you clearly aren't going to look are you.Uncooperative bastard. Bit harsh to include a blind person but he is funny!And he did try to play the drums for a publiciy shot once.Sadly the world was laughing at him not with him.Just as well he couldn't see them.

Horiffic.Just horiffic.Whoever thought that giving these two gurning simpletons their own tv show would be a good idea should have their hands sawn off with a rusty screwdriver.Sharing similar porno-taches, semi-mullets and enough gayness to fill a whole Tupperware container, these two were the pinnacle of bad tv. Their tired 'To Me-To You' patter was boring.Even to kids with the attention span of a salad.And they just look like they  stink of B.O.

Hey, look kids,it's a rapist! And she's sitting on John Leslie's right.No,I'm sure Anthea Turner is a fine, upstanding woman.Wow,my finger of hate could be pointed at any one of these but the winner is Leslie for his rapist antics.Is the grimace on Diane Lousie Jordan's face because Leslie has his hand stuck up her arse?

This guy! Someone wasn't loved as a child. There are all manner of fashion disasters going on here. From the shirt that screams 'I was bought at a charity shop and used to be worn by a local character who used to piss himself!' Then there's the glasses which are camp as Christmas and are probably ones rejected by Elton John for being too feminine. And the hat!? i'm not evn going to start on it.I'll leave him with a bit of dignity.Apparently Timmy was hyper all the time.Oh dear.Let it go Timmy,your careers over.

What's Tony Hart doing on here!? i'm sure many of you are exclaiming.Well,he's not a very good celebrity for a start. Plus he has really creepy eyes that look right into your soul.Plus he hasn't aged for about 50 years.He must be at least 143 now.Plus in the picture he appears to have a bit of a hunchback.Plus he was always SO nice about the pictures in the gallery.Most of them were shite!I once sent you a quality picture Tony and you didnt show it!!Ahhh...all my childhood problems stem from you Tony.IT'S YOUR FAULT.ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!

Just the sight of this man is nauseating. With his flailing limbs and mouth that takes up half his face shouting 'AWIGHT!!' he deserves to be condemned to a horrific fate.He also owns the most irritating laugh ever.And does it loads.He laughs enough to be slightly disconcerting and scary, not funny. Im sure that he's covering up and inside he is a seething, bubbling cauldron of rage and will explode at any moment.

Hahahaha.Bitter and jealous that you aren't your brother.He went on to get fame and fortune and you....well you are stuck presenting crappy,low budget pilot shows that no-one else wil touch with a shitty stick. Here is Paul Ross presenting "Guess the Trinket" where old people who smell of piss, cats and mothballs bring in their trinkets, discuss who has the best trinket.Then piss themselves.All in the name of entertainment.

Dave Benson Phillips has a face I'd like to punch.And I punch like a girl.But thats completely irrelevant. Perma-grinning, shouty, camp as an elephant in a hat, gunge-loving, parent-baiting, kiddie-loving, facial-grimacing, floral shirt-wearing, talented as a cup cake nobody. His gimmick is that he shouts a lot.Maybe thats why he isnt on telly any more.Because he's rubbish.

Sandi Toksvig - Another one of those 'celebs' whose actual purpose is a mystery to many.Is she a comedian?If so she's not funny.Is she a presenter?If so,what does she present?Is she a rent-a-panelist for daytime gameshows?If so,why ias she only on that one with Bob Holness. Looks like a lesbian with lesbians hair and a lesbians power suit with lesbians shoulder pads.

Dominic Mohan.Living in some sort of parallel dream world where everybody loves him and thinks he's funny, talented and a fashion icon.WRONG!!You are a turd my friend. Celebs hate you.Muscling in on a pic with them does not constitute you being their 'best friend.' They hate your silly constipated little face. Somehow manages to relate every F-list celeb story to himself. Looks like he carries round a big bag of sweets to give to children. Writing about a member of Girls Aloud having a haircut is NOT a story. Truly believes he is famous by going to 'showbiz' parties. Brown-noses rubbish celebs then slates real celebrities for not giving him an interview. And he does things like this: "Yesterday The Sun devoted its centre pages to showbiz editor Dominic Mohan who became a Bond extra for the day.'" Exactly how conceited? Copies celebs then pretends that he started them "When he had a mohican haircut, The Sun’s Dominic Mohan had one too." He just angers me more than anyone else.

I'll have a 'P' please Bob. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Here's 10 amazing Bob Holness Facts: 1. Bob likes to collect shiny things 2. Bob appeared in Robocop. 3. Bob enjoys looking at monkeys. 4. Bob can hold his breath underwater for 33 1/2 seconds. 5. Bobs legs are made of playdough. 6. Bob can say the alphabet backwards but struggles going forwards. 7. Bob is a big fan of Whigfield and knows the words to all her songs. 8. Bob is a part owner of FUBU clothing. 9. Bob lives in the Wirral. 10. Bob has a tattoo of Bob Carolgees on his inner thigh.

OOOOOoooooohhhhhh, controversial selection. I'm well aware that she's dead but she's a bit annoying.She did have the best chicken neck ever.I'd just love to give it a vigourous shake!Apparently Thora Hird loved nothing better than to go down the local youth club and play ping pong with some scallies before getting beered up on White Lightning, going out and having a fight.Might just be rumors though.

Ahhh......Terry. Taught me all I know about the Animal Kingdom.And I don't know a lot.  Apparently a fan of rollerblading and getting mashed off his tits to some Scouse House.

Nick, go to bed you look like crap.Looking all dishovelled, you cant go on national telly looking like that.Have a shave, have a sleep, do your hair, get rid of that horifficly old polo shirt which was probably black once but it's been washed so many times that it's gone purple.The guy can't even open his eyes properly!Probably due to the influence of crazy mind-altering drugs that made him think that he was a 19th Century Nurse and had to stay up all the time to look after the patients.Only there were no patients,he was looking after cutlery.