LUNCH SALAD
by Periwinkle

Using all the evasive techniques that she had learned in NCIS training, Agent Lee was hugging the wall, sliding down the hallway, trying not to be seen. She reached the corner and peered around. This was the most dangerous part of her journey as there wasn't any cover available and she would have to dash to her destination in the open. Taking a deep breath, she burst out of her hiding place, raced the final yards – and pushed open the doors to Autopsy.

Jimmy looked up and grinned. He was sitting at an autopsy table, holding dissecting tools, but he put them down in order to reach up and give her a big hug and a kiss. He smiled at her. "Dr. Mallard's gone out to lunch. We should be able to have a half hour together."

Michelle Lee smiled back at him and said, "Good, I've missed you. What are you dissecting?"

"Actually," said Jimmy, "I'm making a salad." He waved his hand at the vegetables sitting on the table waiting to be cut up. He had already minced a green pepper and some carrots, but he hadn't started the cucumber or tomatoes.

Michelle smiled. "You know Jimmy, some people do other things with vegetables."

"Um, what?"

Her smile got broader. She stood up, holding the cucumber, and motioned to Jimmy to also stand up. He did, facing her, and she suddenly grabbed the waistband of his scrubs and dropped the cucumber down the front. It was shockingly cold, but there was no way Jimmy was pulling it out, not the way she was smiling at him. That smile promised all sorts of lascivious treats. He rotated a little and she looked at his profile and winked.

Suddenly, their minds registered that someone was in the doorway. They turned their heads, trying to keep guilty looks off their faces, and saw Ducky standing there.

"I came back for my coat," Ducky said. Then he looked at Jimmy. "Oh my." His gaze travelled over Jimmy's body. "Oh my!" He looked away from Jimmy quickly and transferred his gaze to his desk. "Um, I guess I'd better get going to lunch. I'll see you later. Ah, goodbye Agent Lee." And he turned and walked away as quickly as his limp would allow.

Michelle looked at Jimmy. He had a horrified look on his face. "Jimmy?"

"Yes?"

"I think I'll let you explain this to Dr. Mallard." She practically ran for the elevator.

"But it was your idea!" Jimmy called after her. She was already too far away to hear him.

He sank down and put his head on his hands. This was going to be an interesting afternoon.



Chapter Two

Gibbs was waiting at the elevator for Ducky. Hearing the sound of someone walking speedily towards him, he looked up to see who it was. Ducky was approaching him, walking much faster than he normally did. Gibbs didn't think Ducky had moved that quickly since he'd captured the 'ninjas' on Halloween.

"Duck?" Gibbs called out. "Anything wrong?"

"Oh, no my dear, it's okay. Really. Nothing's wrong." Ducky said hurriedly, not looking at Gibbs' face.

"I thought you were going back to get your coat," Gibbs commented.

Ducky looked down at his hands and started in surprise. "Didn't I get it?" he asked. "I thought I ..., oh well, never mind, let's just go."

Gibbs looked at Ducky quizzically, but Ducky just pulled on his arm and got in the elevator. Looking at Ducky's face, Gibbs could tell that something had occurred to perturb Ducky in the few minutes he had been in Autopsy. He wondered what it could be as Ducky never was reticent with him. In fact, Ducky tended to tell him things he had wished he'd hadn't known. He vividly remembered one story Ducky had told him, vehemently insisting it was true, about being caught by a tribe of nudist cannibals that insisted he do some strange ritual with a cucumber if he didn't want to be part of the dinner menu. Gibbs had been unable to eat cucumbers for weeks after hearing about that, as he would have this mental image of where the cucumber might have been before being served. Even now thinking about it caused him to shudder. A little worried, and thinking of some of Ducky's more graphic stories, Gibbs wondered if he should insist that Ducky tell him what had happened. Would he be happier not knowing? Plus, this being Ducky, he might only get another long rambling story that obscured the truth.

Ducky was looking at Gibbs with an odd look on his face. Gibbs suddenly realized that he had been lost in his memories and hadn't heard whatever Ducky had said. He had a guilty feeling that Ducky had said it several times, too. "Sorry, Duck, my mind was wandering."

"Anywhere interesting?" Ducky asked.

"NO!" said Gibbs. "I'm sorry, I mean 'no, nothing interesting.'"

Ducky was obviously not convinced but he simply said, "Usual place?" and Gibbs nodded assent.

They went next door and entered the restaurant, both lost in their own world, each trying to sneak looks at the other's face to see if they could read their thoughts. However neither men was giving any clues in their expressions. So abstracted were the two of them that neither man noticed Abby standing at the counter waiting for a sandwich. "Hey, guys!" she said. She didn't receive any acknowledgement. "That's odd," she thought, and paid for her sandwich. She walked back to NCIS feeling confused and trying to figure out what was going on. She'd have to hunt down McGee and see what he knew.

"So Duck, want to tell me what's on your mind?" Gibbs prodded.

"Not really, as it's somewhat private, but I think I need to talk about it." Ducky's cheeks started to flush a little bit as he thought about the scene in autopsy.

"Duck, you're blushing!" Gibbs exclaimed. He was hard pressed not to burst out laughing, but he suspected that would not be well-received.

"My dear, I do not blush. Young females blush. Doctors do not."

Gibbs laughed. "I'm not implying you're a young female, but you are definitely blushing and now your ears are starting to turn red. What happened in Autopsy?"

Ducky sighed. He found the whole thing so embarrassing, but he knew he had to tell someone. "I went down to autopsy and Mr. Palmer was there with Agent Lee."

"Oh," said Gibbs, "you interrupted something?"

"Well, not really interrupted..."

"So what is turning you so pink?"

Ducky couldn't think of a way to talk about it, so he just held up his hands about eight inches apart like a fisherman describing the one that got away.

Amazingly, Gibbs understood. His jaw dropped. "You're kidding!"

"No, my dear. It was definitely that long."

Gibbs gave a low whistle, which caused the waitress to scurry up to the table. "Are you ready to order?"

Ducky folded his menu and said "I'll have a cup of chicken soup and a BLT."

Jethro looked at the waitress. "Small salad, thousand island dressing. Oh, and can you hold the cucumbers?"

Chapter Three

McGee headed down towards the lab. Abby had picked up lunch for the two of them and they were going to eat together. When he walked in the lab, he saw Abby sitting at a table with a knife in her hand, her body slumping. He recognized the body language; something was on her mind. As he approached her, she looked up and smiled. “Tim!”

McGee put an arm around her. “Something bothering you?”

Abby took a vicious whack with her knife. “Kind of. I saw Gibbs and Ducky at the restaurant.” Another whack of the knife and something green flew in front of McGee. He jumped. “What the heck was that!”

“It’s just a cucumber peel. I was carving a face into this cucumber while I waited for you. Like a Mr. Cucumber head.”

“I didn’t know the deli sold whole cucumbers,” McGee said, looking at the huge specimen in her hands. She had managed to carve eyes, mouth and two ears into it so far. He had a funny suspicion that it looked like Gibbs but he wasn’t sure if she was that good an artist, at least with vegetables.

“They don’t. I found it in a wastebasket outside of Autopsy. Why would anyone throw away a perfectly good cucumber?”

Tim gaped at her. “Is that what’s bothering you?”

“No, Timmy,” Abby said patiently. “Ducky and Gibbs are bothering me. When they came in the restaurant they didn’t even notice me. And I even said ‘hi’ to them.”

She turned and looked at McGee finally, a perplexed frown on her face. Both of them had their backs to Autopsy, so they didn’t notice Tony taking something into that room.

Abby continued, “It was really weird. Ducky was talking about something and he actually blushed. I didn’t think anything in the world would make him blush. And he was holding his hands up like, well, you know…”

Tony stopped walking and started shamelessly eavesdropping.

McGee said, “Like, I know, what?”

Abby swallowed. “Like they were talking about someone’s organ and its size. I can’t explain it, it’s just that first Ducky went pink, then he made that gesture and then Gibbs looked sort of uncomfortable. Is everything okay with Ducky?”

McGee stared at her. “You think I would know something like that?”

Tony tried not to snicker out loud. He didn’t want to give his presence away.

“Couldn’t you ask him? Or ask Jimmy? At one point I overheard them mention Jimmy’s name,” Abby said hopefully.

“What, go up to Ducky and ask him if he was talking about a penis in a restaurant? And, oh by the way, Ducky, I’m asking because Abby saw your conversation,” McGee said sarcastically. “And can you imagine Jimmy if I asked him? I don’t know if that guy even knows what a penis is, let alone if he'd be able to discuss it. And God forbid if Gibbs and Ducky were discussing the size of Jimmy’s equipment for some totally unknown reason!" He shuddered at the thought of a discussion about Jimmy's organs. "How would I get myself out of that one? No, Abby, I don’t think I can go ask.”

“I suppose not. I’ll have to ask a few of my girlfriends,” Abby said disconsolately and she took another whack at the cucumber, taking an inch off the top.

McGee and Tony both winced in sympathy with the cucumber.



Chapter Four

Tony wandered back to his desk. His mind was racing a mile a minute trying to interpret what he had just overheard Abby saying. Had Ducky been talking about himself or about Jimmy? And how would Ducky know about Jimmy anyway? For that matter, what was a guy Ducky’s age doing talking about things like that? Prostate glands, he could understand, but wasn’t Ducky a little old to be talking about erections? And if he was talking about Jimmy did that mean there was something about Ducky he didn’t want to know?

He definitely agreed with McGee, it wasn’t the sort of thing where you just waltzed up to a man and said, “So, I understand your penis is eight inches long.” That sort of conversation could lead to misunderstandings, to put it mildly. Plus, going up to Ducky and asking about male organs would probably end up with him hearing some tale about ritual mutilation or something. He still hadn’t recovered from Ducky showing him the “soft tissue” on that corpse the other week. Although, on the other hand, Ducky already knew that Tony had a healthy interest in other men’s body parts, which might make it easier.

His curiosity wouldn’t let the matter rest so he spent a few minutes coming up with a plausible excuse to go see Ducky, hoping that somehow he could steer the conversation around to what he wanted to know. Finally, he got an idea and he went over to wait for the elevator. However, when it arrived McGee stepped out so Tony simply grabbed his arm and pulled him to the side. “Probie!”

“What?” said McGee, eyeing him suspiciously.

“What was Abby saying about Ducky?”

McGee stalled, “She was talking about seeing him at lunch. And how do you know I was talking to her about it anyway, Tony?”

“I was in Autopsy,” replied Tony, “and I heard Abby talking about Ducky blushing –“

“Tony!” hissed McGee.

“What?” said Tony, and then he noticed Gibbs and Ducky coming in from lunch. Gibbs started up towards MTAC as Ducky headed for the elevator. It was all Tony could do to keep his eyes from looking below Ducky’s waist.

“Gentlemen,” said Ducky, and he got on the elevator.

Tony and Tim started walking towards their desks. “Tony, I am not going to talk to you about Ducky or Jimmy!” McGee said.

Ziva looked up. “Is something wrong in Autopsy? I heard two women in the restroom talking about Jimmy’s equipment. Did he lose something?”

“NO!” said McGee as Tony smirked and said, “I don’t think he’s lost it at all.”

Ziva swivelled her chair to look at Tony. “So what do they mean by 'equipment'?”

Just then Gibbs walked by and smacked Tony on the head. “I know two people who aren’t going to have to worry about any equipment if they don’t start working.”

“On it, boss,” said Tony, heading back to the elevator.

“No boss, I mean yes boss…” said McGee and he stumbled into his chair.

Ziva meanwhile sat down at her computer, opened the Encarta web site and entered 'equipment'. The response was “tools, clothing, or other items needed for a particular activity.” She suspected this what not what the guys had meant from the way they had been acting. Like little boys telling a dirty joke actually, but there was nothing new about that. Ziva made a mental note to make another trip to the restroom and see what she could learn about ‘equipment’.

Meanwhile, Tony had finally managed to get to Autopsy. Tony was relieved to see Ducky was still in his street clothes. If Ducky had changed to his loose scrubs Tony would have had a hard time (so to speak, he thought) seeing anything of interest. Tony was trying hard to be surreptitious but it was awkward because his excuse for coming down to see Ducky was to confirm that Ducky had gotten a report that Tony had left for him. Tony couldn’t look at Ducky, talk to him and simultaneously check out the older man’s groin, but he was giving it the old school (Ohio State) try. Finally, Ducky stopped Tony’s questions, looked at him quizzically and asked, “Are you all right?”

“Sure, Ducky, I’m fine. Why?” replied Tony.

“Well, my boy, you have a most unusual twitch in your eye.”

“Oh, sorry, Ducky. I guess I’m just a little tired.”

Ducky looked at him with concern. “Do you want me to tell Gibbs you need the afternoon off?”

“No, no, thank you Ducky, but I’ll be okay.” Tony decided it might be better if he stood over by Jimmy. Then it might not be so obvious what he was doing. Tony moved over to Jimmy and greeted him while casually checking him out. He noticed that Jimmy’s scrubs had a bit of a damp spot at the top of his legs. Odd. Maybe Ducky had noticed something. He talked to Jimmy for a little bit, trying to coordinate talking, checking out Ducky and checking out Jimmy. He was an athlete; but he wasn’t that coordinated. Plus, he had to turn his head away every time one of them looked at him. Ducky was observing him with a worried expression on his face. Finally Ducky said, “Mr. Palmer, don’t you have some reports to distribute?”

“Oh, yes sir, Dr. Mallard. Sorry, Dr. Mallard,” and Jimmy left the room. He was relieved to be out of there; Tony was making him nervous.

Tony decided it would be prudent to go to Abby’s lab and lurk there. As soon as he was out of Autopsy, Ducky picked up the phone. When it was answered, he started talking without taking time to greet the other person. “Jethro, do you know of anything odd with Tony right now? He’s acting very strangely. Yes, more strangely than usual.” They continued talking for a few minutes.

Entering the lab, Tony tried to be invisible, but of course Abby noticed him. “Hey, Tony!” said Abby, “what’s shaking?”

”Nothing much Abs, just came to say ‘hello’”.

“From the guilty look on your face, I’d say you were also avoiding someone.”

Tony grimaced. “Ah, yes, well, that too.”

He hung around for a while, waiting, keeping an eye on Jimmy through the window. Finally the moment he had been waiting for came. Jimmy headed towards the restroom. Tony followed him, trying to look inconspicuous, and entered the restroom behind him. He stood next to Jimmy.

“Oh, hi, Tony,” said Jimmy.

Tony was subtly casting his eyes over Jimmy.

“Um, Tony?” said Jimmy. “Tony?” He started turning a little red.

“Oh, sorry,” said Tony with a start, “I’m a little abstracted,” and he blushed slightly.

“Oh. Right,” said Jimmy and he hurriedly washed his hands and, unnerved, scurried out of the rest room. He’d always thought Tony was only interested in girls. Wait until he told Michelle.

Meanwhile, gossip was flying around the building. Janice, who was one of the lab assistants, had been walking by Autopsy when Ducky discovered Jimmy and Michelle and she couldn’t wait to discuss the scene at lunch. Moreover, she had a loud voice so the nearby tables were sharing in the conversation whether they wanted to or not. Wanting to build up the suspense, she first unpacked her lunch and pulled out her sandwich, making everyone wait to hear her news. Between bites, she told them what she'd seen, finishing with, “Jimmy was there with Michelle and he must have been really excited. You wouldn’t believe how big he was!”

“Really?” breathed one of her tablemates. “I’ve always thought he was kind of cute.” She looked quizzically at Janice for a moment. “Janice, what sort of sandwich is that? I haven’t seen a green filling before.”

“Oh,” said Janice, “it’s vegetable salad. Like chicken salad, only with cucumbers and carrots and stuff. I got it at the deli.”

“Can they do that with vegetables?” a third woman said. “I’ve never heard of it.”

“Forget about the sandwich," said one of her friends. "Do you think you could get us into Autopsy this afternoon to check out Jimmy?”

Janice nodded. “Oh yeah, sure. By the way, if you’re not going to eat your pickle, can I have it?”



Chapter 5

Ducky hung up the phone. He was feeling a little relieved because apparently Tony wasn’t the only person acting a little oddly; McGee and some others were too. Gibbs had suspected that they were up to something, but he really hadn’t wanted to know what as he had heard them talking about men’s equipment. On the other, ah, hand, Ducky had a feeling he knew exactly what it was about, and thought Gibbs should too as they had talked about Jimmy during lunch. He was a little aggrieved that Gibbs apparently hadn’t been paying attention. Or maybe Gibbs had, but had found the whole thing highly embarrassing. If so, why he should be the one to be perturbed was a mystery to Ducky; after all, Gibbs wasn’t the one to accidentally walk in on the busy couple. Moreover, he couldn’t figure out how that rumor could have started. He was the only person in Autopsy with them. Unless . . . could Abby have seen it through a window? Would she spread gossip like that? He didn’t think so, although he knew that once something got on the cucumber, um grape, vine that it took on a life of its own. Had she mentioned it to anyone at all?

At the same time, Abby was moving around restlessly in the lab taking big gulps of her Caf-Pow. She really, really, really wanted to know what Ducky had been talking about at lunch, as the gestures of his hands had a “fish that got away” look, but one didn’t blush about fish, normally. Well, as far as she knew, people never blushed about tat subject. Abby wasn’t completely sure what people blushed about as she’d never been one to easily get flustered. On reflection, she decided about the only thing that would make her blush would be if she said something to Ducky that had made him blush. But Ducky was not known for reticence either. That story he had told her once about the different items women used for sexual stimulation and the one woman who was using a cucumber only to have it break in half and the top get stuck in her body was not exactly G-rated material.

If she was going to find out anything more, Abby knew she was going to have to leave the lab and find some girlfriends to question. She moved Mr. Cucumber Head to the back of her work table and started off, making a mental note to toss Mr. Cucumber out when she returned; the hot lights in the lab were making him wilt.

She lucked out. As she was walking over to her friends’ desks, she saw Ziva go in the women’s restroom. Abby flew in behind her, startling Ziva and almost causing Abby to get attacked by a trained Mossad Agent.

“Abby, don’t you know better than to sneak up on me?” Ziva said, looking a little shamefaced. “I could have killed you before I realized who you were.” “Sorry, Ziva,” said Abby, bouncing up and down oin her shoes. “I wanted to talk to you about something in Autopsy.”

Ziva lit up. “Great! I’ve been trying to find out something about it. You can help me.”

“Co-conspirators? Cool!” and Abby’s face lit up too. “So what do you know? I’m stuck down in the lab, and nothing happens there, so I’m totally in the dark about this.”

“Well, Abby,” said Ziva, “I heard from Nil, who was talking to Teddi, that Janice was talking about men’s equipment in the lunch room. Then I saw Yasi, and she said it was about Ducky and Jimmy. But Nikki said that Jimmy was saying that Tony was looking at him funny. So what’s this ‘equipment’, anyway?”

Abby looked at her. “Tony was looking at Jimmy ‘funny’? I can’t believe that. Skirt chaser, cheap Lothario, cool as a cucumber Tony? Did you ask Anita about it?”

Ziva shook her head. “I couldn’t find her. I think Matt said something about she was going down to Legal to find Michelle. So, tell me about ‘equipment’ please?”

Abby filled her in on the meaning of the slang. When she was done, Ziva just shook her head. “How old are these agents? 16? They are acting childishly.”

While Abby and Ziva were falling into a discussion about men’s fascination with body parts, conveniently forgetting that the original reason for the conversation had been their own fascination with men’s body parts, Lisa had found Michelle before Anita had. She sidled up to Michelle’s desk and leaned in close.

“Hey, Michelle” Lisa said. “Can I ask you something?”

Michelle looked up and smiled. “Of course you can.”

“Have you ever looked at Ducky? Rumor has it he’s well-endowed. You’re in Autopsy a lot, I thought you might have noticed something.”

Michelle leapt up, her face flaming. “Lisa! I can’t believe you asked that! What interest would I have in how Ducky is ---“ she trailed off as she realized everyone was looking at her.

Someone yelled over from another desk. “Yeah, Michelle, and what about Jimmy? You are down there a lot, don’t tell me you never checked the two of them out.”

Michelle groaned and put her head down on her desk. Lisa patted her arm for a minute and then left to return to her own desk.

MarySusan was sneaking down to Autopsy with her friend Anita, having passed her on while Anita was heading for Legal. They had a plan. Not a well-thought-out sensible plan, but it was a plan and made them feel confident. MarySusan peeked in the window in the Autopsy department door and saw both men there as well as two other women all trying to get up close and personal with Jimmy. She opened the door and she and Anita walked over to Ducky. The plan was that one person would talk to the target, being a distraction, while the other checked him out. Unfortunately, the plan never had a chance be put into action as Ducky announced in a firm and stern voice, “Only those of you that work in this department should be in this room. Young ladies, will you please return to work.” MarySusan knew when she was beaten, but she couldn’t resist one last look as she went through the door. She turned slightly to gaze at Jimmy, then looked at Anita and said “Yum,” while licking her lips.

Meanwhile, Ziva, having finished her chat with Abby, was walking over to McGee’s desk. “I asked Abby what you guys meant by ‘equipment’ and now I know.” McGee gave a soft groan and tried to pretend he was looking at a report, but Ziva just persisted, “So who is the one with the big you-know, Jimmy or Ducky?”

“Ziva!” McGee said in misery. “It’s just gossip to begin with and it’s certainly not something I’m going to discuss with you. I could get in a real pickle over it.” His cheeks got a little pink with embarrassment.

“I bet you’d discuss it with Abby,” Ziva pointed out.

“No I wouldn’t!” McGee exclaimed, but inwardly he suspected she was right. He’d discuss it with Abby but only because she’d force him into it somehow. She had a way of getting him to do things he didn’t intend to do, especially when she threatened odorless, colorless poisons in his coffee.

Just then, Director Shepard walked by. Everyone called out “Hello” to her except for McGee, who was still staring down at his desk, but she only gave them a curt nod in return. "I wonder who stuck a cucumber up her rear?” Ziva said. McGee started to correct Ziva's English, but on further thought decided it wasn't something he wanted to explain today. He had a bad feeling that this was one of those conversations that could go nowhere but downhill.

Tony couldn’t resist checking out Jimmy one last time. He liked being the man the women wanted and the idea that the Autopsy Gremlin might be getting all the women’s attention instead rankled him. In the restroom he had pretty well determined that Jimmy wasn’t any macho oversized stud, but he wanted to double-check. He just had to look at Ducky too, just in case the other rumor was true. He went to the lab to see what he could see through the window. After a few minutes he had reassured himself that he had nothing to fear from the competition, although he felt that including a 65 year old man in that thought was being generous.

Abby walked in. “Tony! What’s up?”

Tony quirked an eyebrow at her. “Nothing’s 'up' I hope.”

Abby looked over his shoulder. “Tony! You’ve been checking them out!”

Tony started to explain himself but she interrupted him, “So tell me, is it true?”

Tony shook his head. “I don’t think so.” He sniffed. "Something is rotten in the lab."

"Oh! That's Cucumber Head,” Abby exclaimed, “I forgot about him."

Tony looked at her, puzzled. "Is that like Dickhead? Do we have a creepy body in Autopsy or something?”

Abby reached to the back of the work table and pulled out Mr. Cucumber Head. Tony looked at it for a minute and then laughed.

Abby threw her arms around him. “I am so glad you like him! So… are you going to do a little more checking?”

Tony shook his head, “No, I’m going upstairs. No me vale un pepino.”

Abby nodded. “I think I’ll come too.”

Tony headed back to his desk, with Abby following in his wake. As he passed McGee’s he said, “I told you it couldn’t be that big."

“What’s big, DiNozzo?” Gibbs asked, coming up behind them, obviously having finished in MTAC.

“Um, this new pickle the local store advertised, boss. They said that it was big enough to cover a…. Never mind.”

Ziva looked up. “Gibbs, do you have any idea what’s bothering the Director?”

“She had to go to Medical,” Gibbs replied.

“Is she okay?”

“Think so,” said Gibbs. “She slipped on something green when she was downstairs. Might have been a piece of lettuce from someone’s lunch.”

“No, it was cucumber rind,” Abby said, then she noticed that the entire team had turned and was looking at her. “Ah, right, I’ll just go run those tests.” With that, Abby started to leave, bumping into Ducky, who was exiting the elevator.

“Oh, Abby, I heard a new joke, want to hear it?” Ducky asked.

“Sure, Duckman.”

“A cucumber and a tomato meet in a salad bar. The cucumber asks the tomato, ‘Gee, how come you look so red?’ and the tomato says, ‘I saw the salad dressing.’”

“Cute, Ducky,” said Abby with a smile and she got on the elevator to go back down to the lab.

“Jethro, could I see you for a moment?” Ducky called. Gibbs walked over to join Ducky by the elevator door. When it returned to their floor, the two men got in and Gibbs flipped the switch stopping the elevator’s descent and turning the elevator into his “office.”

Gibbs turned to look at Ducky. “What is it, Duck?”

“Do you have any idea what rumors are flying around NCIS? Something must be up. Also, all these women keep hanging around the lab and Jimmy for some reason,” Ducky said with a tone of exasperation.

“Rumors? Let’s see, there’s the Jimmy-has-an-eight-inch penis, the Tony-is-gay, or the one that you’re hung like a horse,” Gibbs told him with a smirk. “I’m rather fond of the last one; that’s not bad for a man of your advanced years.”

“If you’d ever really seen a horse mating, you’d realize it’s not actually that much of a compliment,” said Ducky with exasperation. Then he did a double-take. “Tony is gay? Where did that come from? Is that why he’s been acting strangely? Is he coming out of the closet?”

“I hope not, Duck,” Gibbs said fervently, “because as far as I know, he’s straight. It seems to have something to do with him staring at men’s crotches all day. He doesn’t seem to be looking at McGee or me though, or he’d be doing a hell of a lot of explaining right now.”

“No, he seems to save that for Autopsy,” Ducky said bitterly. “No wonder he was hanging around all morning. I wondered why I kept feeling like he was staring at me, but every time I’d look at him he’d jerk his head away. For that matter, Ziva, Abby and McGee are all looking at me oddly, and some of the technicians, both male and female, seem to be suddenly trying to get me to go home with them. And if Director Shepard comes down there again, I’ll . . . Well, I don’t know what I’ll do but hopefully I won’t be standing by the needles. I’ve sometimes considered using them on her.”

“That’s my former partner you’re talking about Duck,” Gibbs said quietly.

“I’m sorry Jethro, this is all starting to get to me,” Ducky said contritely.

“You realize, giving her a spinal tap or something equally painful should be my privilege,” Gibbs continued. As he had hoped, that lightened the Medical Examiner’s mood and they smiled at each other. Jethro clapped the smaller man on the shoulder and put the elevator back into motion.

While Ducky was in the elevator, Jimmy was on the phone to Michelle. “Has something happened? These women keep looking at me funny. And Tony. That one is really weirding me out.”

Michelle told him what Lisa had asked. Ducky entered the basement just in time to hear the sound of a phone receiver falling to the floor.

Before Abby returned to work, she decided to dispose of Mr. Cucumber. She ran her hand up and down it for a minute to feel the slick skin of the vegetable and then picked it up. As she went over to the trash can, Ducky walked by on his way back to Autopsy.

“Abby, what’s that in your hand?” asked Ducky.

“Hey, Duckman! It’s a Mr. Cucumber Head that I carved.”

“Really?” said Ducky and he wandered over to look at it.“That’s very well done. You know you’ve come full-circle to the old Mr. Potato Head game? The toy was based on an earlier toy called “make a face” that used a real potato. Then in 1952, Mr. Potato Head was designed as a toy for cereal premiums. Following which it was sold to Hasbro which sold it with a Styrofoam potato but the company said in the instructions that real fruits and vegetables were better. And of course you saw the list of the Toy Hall of Fame and Mr. Potato is number three. Ah, well, enough of that. Is the cucumber from one of your cases?”

“No,” said Abby, “I found it in a wastebasket in Autopsy.”

“Ah,” said Ducky. “Oh!” He looked over at Abby. “Well then. That explains it, doesn’t it?” and he left.

Abby picked up Mr. Cucumber Head and gazed at it. “Do you have any idea what’s going on?” she asked, and then she tossed the cucumber back in the trash.

A/N

Chapter One was written in a hurry for Nilahasi who asked for something involving Jimmy and a cucumber. This will teach her to be careful what she asks for.

You can blame ingenius_inc for Chapter Two as she gave me the prompt for the chapter. It’s her warped imagination (and some other peoples') that drove this tale -- I had only planned to write a ficlet, now I've done five chapters based on prompts.

The sandwich Janice is eating is a real recipe, which can be found here: http://www.chefs.com/recipes/7833_1+-+Garden-Fresh+Sandwich+Spread.aspx

The line “I told you it couldn't be that big” is this chapter’s prompt, supplied by Nakeisha for me to work in somewhere.

I have some lovely pieces I’m writing for the Christmas Exchange. Really. Some nice H/C and bonding. I promise there won’t be silly puns in those stories. Please don't let this story make you think all I do is sick humor. Thanks to everyone for bearing with me and to Nilahasi and Teddibear for their suggestions. At one point I said the story had every thing but the kitchen sink in it, and Nil, I’m sorry that I couldn’t have one fall on Jen just for you, after you made me those nice icons. However, you got me in enough trouble by having the story idea.

Believe it or not, I got the story about the cucumber breaking in half from a web site. I don’t know if it’s true or not. I’d prefer to think it isn’t. Thanks to everyone for bearing with me and to Nilahasi and Teddibear for their suggestions. At one point I said the story had every thing but the kitchen sink in it, and Nil, I’m sorry that I couldn’t have one fall on Jen just for you, after you made me those nice icons. However, you got me in enough trouble by having the story idea.

The Mr. Potato Head information that Ducky spouts is all factual. You can see the Toy Hall of Fame here for at least a little while. I don't think the link will last. But for now, it’s like a walk down Memory Lane http://www.newsnet5.com/slideshow/myweekend/10283007/detail.html?qs=;s=1;w=320

“No me vale un pepino” is an Italian idiom that roughly translates to “I couldn’t care less.” Literally, it’s “It's not worth a cucumber.”http://www.aucegypt.edu/academic/anth/anth352/idioms.htm