| Crap Films I like crap films. Not exclusively, mind. I can still appreciate 'classics' like "The Wild Bunch" "Twelve Angry Men" and fucking "Pulp Fiction" but, let's face it, crap films are way more common. Here in the UK, Channel 5 shows almost nothing BUT crap films, so I thought it was about time to list some of my favourites. Here goes.. "Dawn: Portrait of a Teenage Runaway" An hilariously awful '70s film about a girl who runs away to LA, only to become ensnared in the murky world of prostitution. She falls in love with a rentboy who is obsessed with Alexander the Great and lots of dodgy shit happens to them both. Although this is supposed to be gritty social commentary, it actually looks more like a really bad episode of "Kojak" or "Starsky & Hutch", with lots of sleazy pimps and ridiculous fashions! "Alexander: The Other Side of Dawn" The sequel to the above. Alexander the rentboy paints a mural of his hero, Alexander the Great, on the wall of his grotty apartment and the landlady has it painted over when he fails to pay the rent. Just when he thinks there is no humanity left in the world (after many encounters with dodgy clients), he bumps into a famous football player at an art gallery (Alexander may be a hooker but he's WELL into art and shit like that) who takes him back to his luxury pad. They go swimming and Alexander realises that the star is gay and wants to fuck him! So, there really ISN'T any humanity left in the world, after all! Alexander then goes on a cocaine run for the star, who is having a party-cum-orgy, but gets arrested. It's a tragic tale, although not as tragic as Alexander's fake English accent! "Lambada: The Forbidden Dance" A dreadful mixture of ecological drama (nasty corporation chops down lovely rain forest and forces inhabitants to move to horrid Los Angeles), social commentary (beautiful forest-dweller girl is forced into prostitution by horrible city types) and musical (everyone keeps doing the Lambada every five minutes), this is fucking hilarious! It's almost hard to believe that films this bad can get made at all. There's also a bit of voodoo thrown into the mix amongst the dancing, whoring and planet-saving. Has to be seen to be believed! "The Assassin" I know a lot of people who liked this, the US remake of "Nikita" (which is a much better film). I went to see it with a few people in a cinema in Sheffield and we kept laughing all the way through, we thought it was so bad! No one else in the place was laughing either, which of course made us laugh even more! I can't even remember why this was so awful, although I seem to recall Gabrielle Byrne doing a really dodgy Scottish accent or something and some ludicrously bad dialogue and acting. Great stuff! "Housewife" An early '70s black comedy about a rich couple who are terrorised by a man who turns up to kill a rat found in their swimming pool. I don't know if this is INTENTIONALLY awful, but there are some truly bizarre moments, especially at the end. One of the best bits is when the husband meets this woman in the bank who takes im shoplifting and then shags him in her flat! File under 'Weird Shit'!! Other crap things I like.. Cheap cider that buggers up your stomach and sometimes your whole life, singing karaoke whilst inebriated, rubbish pubs. The list is endless... |