| 5th November 2000 If I think back to when I was younger, let’s say about 10 onwards I can sort of remember feeling a little bit different from the other girls…I guess I didn’t really pay much attention to it though. During class time I would sit in class with the girls and chat to them, they would always talk about boys, I did as well but I didn’t really like to, I didn’t think at the time that that meant anything. I vaguely remember that sometimes I would catch myself looking at another girl but I didn’t think anything of it at the time. At lunchtimes I would go out and play sports with all the boys, I also had a few boys scared of me because I was a lot tougher then them all, someone once mentioned to me that I was like one of the boys throughout my primary school years, when I think about it I guess you can say they were right. About 3’ish or so years ago is when I first actually noticed that I was “different”. I began to experience some confusing and strange emotions. It all happened at the worst time for me though. I had all sort of emotions coming up at once, I had confusion, depression and anger all at the same time. It was the worst time of my life. I didn’t know what to think, I was having too many feelings happening at once and a lot of them hurt. It would have had to be the most painful time in my life; I had thought that it would never end, that I would feel angry and depressed for the rest of my life. It took me about two years of questioning myself before I accepted what I was feeling, I just began getting sick of denying my feelings and hating myself, although I still hate myself sometimes, why I don’t really know though. It finally got to the point where I wanted to tell someone what I was feeling so I could have someone support me if I needed any help. I felt very scared and I didn’t know who to tell. I kept thinking what if I told someone and they stopped talking to me because they were scared, I didn’t want to loose any of my friends because of what I was feeling. Finally I decided whom I was going to tell, I decided to tell my best friend. I can’t remember exactly what I had said to her but I do remember that she was happy for me and that she said she was going to support me all the way. I felt pure relief, it had felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I was happy, really happy that I had told someone. I decided I would wait a few months before I was to tell anyone else, just in case the feelings went away. When I decided to tell some other of my friends I decided to tell only my closest friends. I slowly built up the courage to tell them one by one. Thankfully they were all happy and supportive of me. Last year I began to feel better about myself my pain was finally going away, then something bad happened. It was my friend’s b-day party and we all decide to have a drink for the occasion. My friend was going around giving everyone a kiss on the cheek to say thank you for coming, when she got to me she had said my name so I turned to look at her and she got me on the lips. When we got to school on the Monday we were filling everyone in on what happened, someone brought up the accidental peck. What happened was word got around about it, it went from an accidental peck to a get and from a get to us two lying on the floor and us going full on with each other. I got so pissed off about that, I was unsure of what to do. I began to get angry and frustrated, I would lash out at my friends and because I did that I would get more pissed off with myself. It got to the point where there was so much fury burning up inside of me I felt like I could do something really stupid. The main thing that pissed me off was the fact that people talked behind my back; they never came up to me and asked me if it was true. Some of my so-called “friends” were doing it as well. Because of what was happening my life began to fill with pain, hate and depression all over again, it took me ages to get out of it the first time, knowing that I had to do it again was just terrible. Because of that stupid rumour lots of people aren’t talking to me any more, I am now sort of seen as a freak at my school. It took me a couple of months before I got over it, although even now I sort of get a bit angry, but then I think to myself “what’s the use? Don’t let them get to you, you are stronger and smarter then them!” Well that is all the past now (thank goodness)… ever since Easter this year I have been a lot happier. I was surfing on the net and I met this girl and I got to talking with her and then she told me about YAP ('Young and Proud' ... a social & support group for young gay and lesbian people in the Frankston area). Not too long after she told me about it I joined, I must say that YAP is one of the best things that I have come across in my life. I had finally found some people around the same age as me who were feeling the same things as me. YAP is like my second family I guess, everyone is so easy to talk to and I don’t have to act like someone else in front of them, I can be myself. But that isn’t the only thing which has made me feel happier this year, I have also found myself a gal and I must say that she is the best thing that has ever happened to me altogether, but that is another story. |
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| I look at you and see a person You look at me and see a freak. Why is it this way? I am like you, we are the same. I bleed, I cry, I smile and I can LOVE. I feel emotions just like you do I am a human just like you are Why look at me differently? I don’t do that to you I accept you for who you are and how you feel So do the same with me I may be in love with someone of the same sex But that doesn’t make me different. I am proud of who I am and what I feel Don’t you dare try to make me feel otherwise You cannot feel happy for me Then you had better go and leave me be!!! Kellie |
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