The Cat A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a gun on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!"
		The Dog A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I’m sorry, but the Lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
			The Panda A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
				The Call A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better." The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient’s name and room number?" She said, "Yes, darling! She’s Sarah Finkel, in Room 302." He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she’s going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday." The woman said, "Thank God! That’s wonderful! Oh! That’s fantastic! That’s wonderful news!" The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!" She said, "I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn’t tell me a word!"
					Hot E-mail An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida, his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email, unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen..... DEAREST WIFE... JUST GOT CHECKED IN... EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW... P.S. ITS REALLY HOT DOWN HERE
					Principal "Isn’t the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl. "Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl. "No." "I’m the principal’s daughter." "And do you know who I am?" asked the boy. "No," she replied. "Thank goodness!"