The modified Cargo Lifter, Random Start, glided through the mottled sky of hyperspace on it’s way to Coruscant. The second day of their journey was starting to look as dull as the first with nothing to do on the cramped ship but wait. Captain Azzameen was up on the flight deck running estimates on his delivery schedule. The Queen was busy composing her speech to the Senate and the twin Twi’lek whores Anakin had purchased on Tatooine were asleep on some cargo mats in the storage bay. Anakin, himself, was in the Captain’s moderately sized quarters standing in front of a mirror. He had been there for over an hour after using the ‘fresher, testing out a new array of menacing glares and sneers to terrorize his enemies with. When he had found a couple that he liked, he started to compose an assortment of threats to go along with his new sinister expressions. Drawing his pistol from his holster, he glared at his reflection and hurled his curses at his imagined enemies.

The sound of laughter exploded next to him, startling the boy. He looked up to see Padmé holding her stomach and laughing at him. He immediately threw her his coldest glare and his scariest sneer, which only made the young girl laugh louder. She almost toppled over in the entryway to the cabin.

Anakin: Shut up, bitch! Don’t laugh at me! I’m a bad motherfucker! Haven’t you heard?

Padmé: Only from you, shortstuff. You’re bad alright, so long as you have your mirror around to back you up.

Anakin: I am SOOOO sick of your shit. You think you are all that because you’re a Queen or some shit. Well, fuck you, honey! I’m Anakin Skywalker, and you’re gonna beg to lick my crack!

Padmé: Dream on, slaveboy.

Anakin: Oh. But you WILL, bitch. You WANT to fuck me. You HAVE to fuck me.

Anakin emphasized each word with a wave of his hand. Padmé twisted her head, desperately trying to resist the mind trick.

Padmé: That… only works… on the… weak… (gasp!) minded!

Anakin concentrated even more, tilting his head with the effort and curved his fingers sharply together – he felt the power of the Force rise dramatically as he got more and more angry at the impudent girl.

Suddenly, Padmé twisted sharply, her head jerking back. Then she stood normally, a slightly glazed look in her eye. Her mouth opened seductively and she licked her full pink lips as she stared lustfully at Anakin. She began to move her hands up her legs and thighs, her fingers catching on her tunic, lifting it up to expose her faint wisp of dark, curly pubic hair. She rubbed her breasts, the nipples becoming tight and erect under the thin fabric of her tunic. She began to peel the shirt off her shoulders, stretching the material to it’s limit, then tearing it as it passed both her shoulders and rested just above her young firm tits. She pulled down the tunic, and her breasts jutted out, bouncing slightly as they were freed of the restrictions of the covering. The tunic dropped then past her waist and hips and fell to the floor. She stepped out of it, and walked toward Anakin. She held a tit in each of her hands, squeezing them gently. She bent down then, squatting on her feet, her legs spread. Then she twisted around slowly to give the boy a better view of her round flat asscheeks. Her hands then cupped each cheek and she spread her bottom firmly, bending over even more. Anakin could then see the star shaped rim of her anus and the pink swollen folds of her pussy. The girl’s vagina was smooth and taut, and as she bounced slightly on the balls of her feet, Anakin could see the lips moving slightly apart, and as she got wetter and more excited, the boy could hear a faint bubble sound of her pussy as it leaked lubricating juices.

Padmé: Where do you want me, Master?

Anakin: (in shock) Holy Shit! I did it!

Padmé twisted around now and began pawing at Anakin’s clothes. Pulling off his smuggler’s vest and shirt and unbuckling his holster.

Padmé: I want to see your big, fat cock, Master. I’ve missed having you inside me. You felt so fucking good.

Padmé began rubbing Anakin’s erect boner inside his pants while she undressed him.

Anakin looked around, quiltily, as if expecting someone to catch him in the act.

Padmé: That’s it, there’s my big cock. I need it, Master! I wanna feel you inside me.

She finally managed to get his boots off and pulled down the boy’s trousers. Her hands immediately grabbed his bottom and she pulled his cock completely into her mouth, gasping in delight as she felt his petite-sized tender dick against her outstretched tongue. Anakin felt the girl shivering under him and realized she was having an orgasm. Padmé moaned loudly and began jerking off his cock in front of her gaping mouth. She was squatting in front of the boy, with her other hand rubbing her clit as she felt another orgasm, and another! Padmé squealed in pleasure as the cum ran from her cunt, trickling down the inside of her thighs, and dripping onto the deck.

Anakin was amazed! His powers of the Force had not only bent her completely to his will, but they were giving Padmé multiple orgasms! Anakin thought that if he couldn’t get in with the Republic Starfighters Corps he could easily get into the acting circuit as the greatest porno star in the galaxy!

Padmé: Oh, you taste so good, Master. I love your nice big cock! I want to rub your balls on my face!

And she did, too.
 
 

Waking from their nap, the two Twi’lek whores, Ann and Asa Gella, stretched inside the storage compartment of the ship. Feeling the need for the ‘fresher, the two ladies headed to the bridge to aske the Captain if they could use the unit in his cabin.

Captain Azzameen had been very polite, if a bit standoffish to the two ladies. They were, after all, slaves, and the property of Master Anakin, his passenger. With a polite word of greeting the Captain explained that they were almost halfway to Coruscant and that the ladies should make themselves at home on his ship. They thanked him and left the flight deck.

The two Twi’leks had to walk side by side to get through the cramped corridor leading to the Captain’s quarters. Ann Gella heard noises from the compartment ahead and she looked at her sister curiously. Asa shrugged and they continued on their way, coming to the door and activating the hatch release. The door slid open to the side revealing their Master leaning over a completely nude Padmé, her legs up in the air to each side of the young boy. Padmé was driving what looked to be a VERY exotic pleasuring device deep inside her vagina while the boy was jerking himself off over her. The two Twi’leks were stunned. They had both heard the rancor in the voice of the girl as she had spoken to their Master and they didn’t need a hint to know she reviled him. Still, they couldn’t explain the scene in front of them.

Anakin: It’s just what it looks like, girls. I’ve tamed the Shrew.

Ann Gella: Obviously. She looks like she is really enjoying it, too.

Padmé: Oh, fuck yes! I love it! Cum on me, again, Master. Cum on my tits!

Anakin began laughing evilly as he slapped Padmé on her ass cheek.

Anakin: Why don’t you roll over and share your toy with the new kids.

Padmé: Oh, yes, Master! I’d LOVE that!

Padmé eyed the two whores wantonly as she seductively slipped her lithe body over onto her stomach, her legs still spread and her back arched upwards.

Padmé: (to Asa) Why don’t one of you lay down here in front of me and give me a taste of your hot red cunt? And I would love to feel that big shiny dong up my ass. (Looking at Ann) Can you help me with that, too?

The Gella sisters looked at each other, completely shocked. Anakin laughed again, his mouth twisted up into an incorrigible, almost monstrous, leer. Asa Gella shrugged and dropped her sheer bodysuit to the deck. Sinking to her back in front of the girl, she spread her legs under Padmé’s mouth. Padmé immediately dropped her mouth into the whore’s pussy and began lapping greedily. Ann Gella took the dildo from Anakin and bent over Padmé’s exposed rump and began to slowly work the huge thing inside her butt. Padmé began moaning loudly as her bottom quivered with each thrust.

Padmé: Oh, that is the spot! Right there, baby. Fuck me good.
 
 

Padmé awoke several hours later on the deck of the Captain’s quarters. She couldn’t remember anything and her head was buzzing. Confused, she managed to sit herself up and look around. She had somehow gotten into the ‘fresher, because she was clean and dry. She must have fallen and passed out or something. Her clothes were gone. Standing up slowly, she began rifling through the Captain’s drawers. Pulling out an oversized dull grey flight suit, she slipped it on over herself. She did find her boots and she put them on. She slid down the tight corridor to the main hold and ran into Captain Azzameen’s feet sticking out of a repair crawlspace.

Padmé: Captain? Are we there?

Ace: Sure thing, dollface. Made planetfall about two hours ago. Didn’t want to wake you from your nap. You looked beat.

Padmé: Where are the others?

Ace: Your pal and his ladies left a while ago. Didn’t say where they were going. I’m glad you’re up, though. I am almost done here and then I gotta get on my way. Got more deliveries to make and all. Unless you’d care to join me, honey. You and me might make a good team—

Padmé: Blow yourself.

Padmé stomped hard on the Captain’s groin. He ‘oofed’ in pain and she could hear a gong and a thunk as his head hit the top of the repair tube. She slapped the hatch release and climbed down the ramp onto the flight deck. All around her was the sprawling buzz of the living city of Coruscant. The sky was filled with swarming, zipping speeders, ships, air taxis and shuttles. From behind she heard loud cursing and some heavy boots stamping on the ship’s deckplates. Padmé took off running and slipped out off the flight deck and out into the pedestrian walkways.

Padmé strode through the bustling crowd of jostling and shoving pedestrians, struggling along the archway covered walkways that criss-crossed the skyscrapers of the Planet-City. Noticing a public communication booth snuggled between two shops, she moved toward it. Padmé contacted the consulate office at the Senate Building and asked to speak to Senator Palpatine. She was told that the Senator was extremely busy and that she could leave a message. Padmé sighed and explained who she was and that she needed to schedule an appointment as soon as possible. She had no idea where she would be or where she could be reached, but that she would call back later. She signed off and looked around wondering what to do next. She considered going back to the ship, hoping that maybe the Captain or the boy would be able to help her, but she shrugged that idea aside. The Captain would be leaving Coruscant soon, if not already, with his next delivery and the boy would be less than useless here. He may have been hot shit on that barren sandheap, but here on the Jewel of the Republic, he would be completely lost. Probably end up dead. She smiled at the thought.

Still, she didn’t have much money, certainly not enough to get a ride to the Senate Building. She would need to find a place to stay until she could reach the Senator personally. Her thoughts were cut off as an air taxi screeched to a stop right next to her. A large woman with bright blonde hair and a red poka-dot dress got out of the taxi and waved her over. Padmé could see that the woman wore an excessive amount of makeup. When she spoke, Padmé noticed she had an extremely low, husky voice.

Woman: I am Senator Palpatine’s personal assistant. My name is Doris. He apologizes for missing your call and would very much like to meet you in person in his office immediately, if it is not too much trouble.

Padmé: No, not at all. That would be great.

The assistant opened the passenger door of the taxi and Padmé climbed in. With a burst of smoke on the pavement, the air taxi took off into the sky.
 
 

Anakin stored his repulsor sled and money in a secured locker outside the landing bay where the ship was docked. After some parting gibes with Captain Azzameen, Anakin made his way to one of the many Republic Starfighter Corps Recruitment stations. He entered the brightly lit offices and waited in line. Looking on the walls he was able to read the instructions on how to enlist for the Corps He immediately centered his attention on the enlistment fee. It was 50,000 credits -- nonrefundable. He’d need to go to a bank and exchange his truguts for credits before he could enlist. Anakin slipped out of line and headed back out into the street.

Anakin entered the First Bank of Corusca with his repulsor sled behind him carrying several boxes of his money. He marched directly up to the counter where a large Ho’Din was helping customers.

Anakin: I’d like to make a deposit.

Ho’Din: Certainly, sir. Do you have an account?

Anakin: No. I’d like to open one.

Ho’Din: Of course. The minimum deposit to open an account is 25 credits.

Anakin: I have my money right here.

Anakin took a box from the top of the sled and opened it. He started piling truguts onto the counter.

Ho’Din: Sir. Sir? What is this?

Anakin: Truguts. I’d like to exchange them for credits.

Ho’Din: I’m sorry, sir. I don’t know what these are. They are not acceptable as currency at this institution.

Anakin: These are truguts from the Outer Rim. It’s the money I got from Tatooine.

Ho’Din: Tatooine? I’m sorry, sir. We do not accept Outer Rim currency at this bank. You won’t find anyone on Coruscant who will accept THOSE, either. We only accept Republic credits or accepted exchangeable forms of Republic currency.

Anakin: You’ve got to be kidding. I have FIVE MILLION truguts here!!!

Ho’Din: I’m sorry, sir. Do you have any other form of acceptable currency in which to deposit to open an account?

Anakin: Well, no, I…

Ho’Din: I’m sorry, sir. I won’t be able to help you then. Next! Please.

Anakin: Wait a minute! You have to accept these! It’s all I’ve got!

Anakin casually waved his hand under the tall Ho’Din’s nose.

Anakin: You DO accept truguts. Truguts will do fine.

Ho’Din: No, sir. They won’t.

Anakin: (waving again, this time more sharply) Truguts WILL do fine!

Ho’Din: No. They WON’T. What the hell do you think you are doing? Do you think you are some kind of Jedi -- waving your hand around like that? I am a Ho’Din. Mind tricks don’t work on me. Only Credits. You think we would be so foolish as to let Jedi come in here and wave their hands and take all our money? No, sir. Not after that last incident. That’s why all the bank representatives are Ho’Din. Now, I advise you to leave at once, sir. Before I call a constable and have you arrested. Now, get out!

Anakin was stunned. He looked about to find that every one of the bank employees were now staring at him in disgust. There was no way he could kill the clerk at this point and get away with it. He grunted angrily and began pushing the repulsor sled back out of the bank.

He met up with his two whores several minutes later.

Anakin: Well? Where is she now?

Ann Gella: We followed her from the flight deck. She made a call on a pubcom and then met some dyke in an air taxi and they took off.

Anakin: A dyke? Jesus. Man, she really is desperate… Did you see which way it went?

Ann Gella: Headed north. Taxi had political plates. My guess is they are heading for the Senate Building. It’s just two sectors north of here.

Anakin: Hmm. Figures. She’s probably gonna fuck her way back into office. OK. Well, new plan, clan. See all this money? It’s shit. So we’re broke. I recommend you two get busy drumming up some customers and start making us some cash real quick.

Anakin tapped on his wrist control for emphasis.

Anakin: I’m going to nose around the local cantinas and see if I can score some action. Let’s meet back here in 6 hours and don’t come back empty handed, ladies. OK? Smile— You’re whores! Scoot now, and fuck like a bunny!
 
 

Senator Palpatine stood behind his desk as his assistant showed her into his office.

Palpatine: Ah, Your Majesty, I am so delighted to see you again. When I heard about Naboo I had feared the worst.

Padmé: We have no time for our sorrows, Senator. I want my job back. Or at least a job here. Something. Anything. Do you need a new assistant? A gopher? Anything. I’ll fuck anyone, I swear. What do I need to do to get a break in this town, anyway?

Palpatine: Really, Your Highness, please. Calm down. I know you have been through a lot. I am sure you are under a great deal of stress. I am sure we can work things out together. Now, I have already called a special session of the Senate to hear our claims against the Federation.

Padmé: (almost whining) I wrote a speech…

Palpatine: Wonderful, wonderful. That was a good idea. By all means, you will get a chance to read it. But I must warn you, Your Majesty, that the Senate is already facing several concerns of it’s own. The tragedy of our planet may not get their attention—

Padmé: But I want to be Queen again! What can I do?

Palpatine: Well, Your Highness, it occurs to me that the problem may be centered on a single individual. The Supreme Chancellor. If we could get him on our side, we may at least be able to sway the—

Padmé: No problem. I’ll fuck him. Where is he?

Palpatine: Really, Your Majesty, that won’t be necessary. You see, I was going to say, that normally having Chancellor on our side would be a good thing, but unfortunately Chancellor Valorum is in the midst of a rather embarrassing situation. It is rumored that he has been engaging in several acts of corruption that if the Senate were to find evidence to prove – well, it would be the end of his career.

Padmé: OK, evidence. No problem. Where is it? I’ll fuck him and plant the evidence on him. Easy.

Palpatine: Erm. Well, no, I’m afraid not, Your Majesty. I propose that we attend the special hearing of the Senate. You deliver your speech and we see what happens. If evidence comes to light at the hearing, you could use your position to call for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum and the Senate would be forced to elect a new Chancellor.

Padmé: But how does this help me get my job back, dammit?

Palpatine: A new Chancellor may consider the gift of the Naboo Cloning Technology a very worthy trade. You could take back the throne of Naboo or even a Senate seat. I’m sure you’re bargaining power would improve dramatically if you were willing to part with that.

Padmé: But, that technology is worth a fortune!

Palpatine: Not at the moment. Right now, you have nothing and the Trade Federation is already claiming to possess the Cloning Technology.

Padmé: They lie!

Palpatine: Of course, Your Majesty. I’m sure that they are. But nevertheless, the fact remains that they have control of our planet and you do not. It is at least something you should consider as an option, don’t you agree?

Padmé: Yes. Yes, Senator, you are right. How foolish of me. Thinking of my people when I can’t do anything for them. When I regain the throne I can do far more for them. Or even as a Senator. With that kind of power I could affect true financial stability for our planet and our people—

Palpatine: (nodding) Very true, Your Majesty. Now. If you will excuse me, I have a very important appointment.

Senator Palpatine began gently prodding the young Queen toward the door of his office as he signaled for his assistant.

Palpatine: I have made arrangements to have you stay as a guest of the Republic in one of the suites on the top floor. My assistant, Doris, will show you out. Thank you, Your Highness. Goodbye now. God bless.

Senator Palpatine waved at her as the assistant pulled her by the arm from his office.
 
 

The Corellian YT-900 freighter, Murky Way, dropped out of hyperspace at Coruscant. Captain Bindo Darje transmitted his clearance codes and ship registration and awaited permission to land. He had argued the necessity of first making his stop on Bothawui with his irate passengers for over 3 days. They had cajoled him and threatened him and finally he relented only after the two Jedi had said they’d kill him and his First Mate and take the ship themselves. Shuddering at the memory, Bindo slapped the receiver control as an incoming message came through. Coruscant Approach Control directed them to land on Platform Esk-287.

The Murky Way descended bumpily onto Platform Esk-283. Captain Darje fired the sputtering repulsorlift and managed to land the ship without scraping the landing gear across the landing bay. Muttering a curse, he shut down the engines. His ship was sorely in need of a tune-up but he couldn’t spare the time to do it, not with two smoldering Jedi Knights in the back ready to chop him into bits. Looking across at his First Mate, Tandie Xieva, he shook his head in exasperation.

Tandie: It’s only a short stop, Captain. We’ll be back on schedule in no time.

Bindo: Maybe. But if we don’t get the repulsorlift repaired, we may not take off at all.

Tandie: Let’s get our passengers on their way, first. Then we can worry about the ship.

Bindo: Good plan. Let’s go
 
 

A message signal woke up Padmé as she lay sprawled out on the huge bed in her suite.

Padmé: Yes?

It was Senator Palpatine’s large, husky-voiced assistant.

Assistant: Your Highness? The Senate Hearing is in one hour. The Senator wanted you to be ready.

Padmé: Oh fuck… OK. Um… Gotta get something to wear—

Assistant: You will find the appropriate attire already in your suite, Your Majesty. An escort will arrive in 45 minutes.

Padmé: Sure, um. OK.

The comlink was already off. Padmé slid off the bed and stumbled into the ‘fresher. Several minutes later she stepped out feeling more like herself. She shook her head trying to shake away the strange buzzing feeling between her ears. She shrugged into her bra and slid on her panties and then put on the exquisite gown that had been hanging in her closet. It was incredible and it fit her perfectly.

Padmé: That Senator. What a nice man. I must remember to thank him.

Her door buzzed. She yelped as she realized it had already been 45 minutes. She quickly finished doing up the buttons on her gown and grabbed a brush and ratted her hair until it was a revolting tangled mop on her head. Grabbing several string-ties, she twisted them into her hair, organizing her curly mane into something that resembled a broken spiderweb full of dried up bug corpses.

Padmé: Perfect.
 
 

The Senate Chambers was a vast bowl shaped ampitheatre that filled the inside of the Senate Building. Several stories high, the ceiling was a transparasteel dome stretching across the assembly. The Senate seats were arranged into hovering podcars around the central dais where the Supreme Chancellor stood calling for order. After several minutes the noise died down and Chancellor Valorum announced the purpose of the special hearing and introduced Senator Palpatine. A loud tidal wave of applause crashed across the Senate as thousands of various beings clapped their approval of the Senator from Naboo. Senator Palpatine waved them down reluctantly to silence and introduced Queen Amidala of Naboo. He seemed almost amused as he proposed that the young girl should speak on their behalf, and a brief wave of laughter bubbled up from the Senate Members.

The young Queen stood nervously in front of the comlink. She pulling the wrinkled speech from her gown, the sound of the crinkling paper dramatically magnified by the hypersensitive comlink speakers. She unfolded the paper, the thunderous sound of it bounced across the ampitheatre. Clearing her throat loudly, she read the speech she had written.

Padmé: Honorable delegates of the Republic. Hello. My mother always told me to open a speech with a joke, but he is parking the car right now. Ha ha. That was her favorite joke. She meant my dad, of course. Well, they’re dead, now. But one thing my mother always taught me as she dragged me from one goddamn beauty pageant to another, forcing me to be a cheerleader all through High School, always telling me I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough to be a Holonet star –

Senator Palpatine quietly cleared his throat behind her.

Padmé: Well, my mother, she taught me to be self-reliant. To look inside myself for the power to be anything I wanted to be – Even, to be Queen of the Naboo. And when I was recently elected Queen, I have to admit, I was just as surprised as everyone else, I mean, shit— I am a kid, right? I’ve heard the rumors, that it was just a big joke. That no one expected me to win. Hell, I barely started growing muff between my legs a few months ago and now I am the fucking Queen of Naboo. Who knew, eh?

Padmé chuckled loudly and nervously to herself as she paused a moment to look into the Senate audience. She saw nothing but bright lights shining in her eyes. She blinked and looked back down at her speech.

Padmé: Anyway. I really love being the Queen. People tell me I’m not qualified, but fuck them. What do they know? Most of them are dead now, anyway. Which brings me to my next point. The damn droid armies of the Trade Federation invaded my planet hoping to steal our technology so they could get even richer than they already are – and they are screwing me and my people over to do it!

Padmé looked down at her speech, looked up, and then back down at the speech. Then she pounded her fist down hard on her podium for emphasis.

Padmé: I say, that’s fucking bullshit. I say, it’s time for that to stop right fucking now. Are you with me, people? Huh? ARE YOU WITH ME!!!??? (she started to shout) Give me an "N!"

Padmé waited for a cheering response, but there was only silence.

Padmé: (continuing to shout) Give me an "A!" Give me a "B!" Give me an "O!" and give me another "O!" What does it spell—? NABOO!!!! Yay!!! Go Naboo!!!! Kick ass!!! Yeah!

Padmé looked around as she leapt and waved her arms shouting at the Senate members. Slowly she calmed down and stopped cheering. She started to back up and sit down, but then leapt forward again.

Padmé: Oh, yeah, and thank you all very much.

The Senate members began to buzz with conversation amongst themselves. Chancellor Valorum stood again at the center dais podium and called for attention. He began reading several motions from many Senators, most of them involving some ritualistic sex slaying of the Naboo Queen. These, the Supreme Chancellor graciously put aside.

Valorum: It has been decided that a special envoy will be sent to Naboo to ascertain the truth of your accusations. Will you defer your motion until the envoy can return and give it’s report?

Padmé looked around from side to side suddenly. Senator Palpatine patiently poked her on the shoulder.

Padmé: What? Me? Um. Huh?

Palpatine whispered something to her and she nodded several times and then stood up.

Padmé: No way! I want my job back now! I came here to tell you about this so you can fucking get off your lazy asses and do something about it. So, like… Do something about it!

Loud bursts of conversation erupted from the Senate members. The Chancellor moved to speak, but his aides pulled him aside. Suddenly a large projector screen descended, supported by two large repulsor pods. The screen glowed to life and the lighting in the Senate Hall dimmed.

Senator Palpatine stifled a grin.

The screen showed an image of Chancellor Valorum sitting in his office. Suddenly a young man was brought into his office, and the Chancellor stood up. Then Valorum’s voice was heard.

The screen went blank for a moment as loud cries erupted from across the Senate.

Valorum: This is preposterous! Who is responsible for this travesty???

Again the screen flickered to life. The same scene again, with the Chancellor sitting in his office. Then a Jawa was escorted into the office and the Chancellor stood up. Valorum’s voice was heard again.

The noise level in the ampitheatre was deafening. All the Senators were on their feet roaring in disgust at what they had seen.

Random Senator: What kind of a sick, twisted bastard would fuck a Jawa up the ass?

Alien Senator: That is the most revolting display of abuse of political power I have seen since—

More shouts descended on to the dais. Supreme Chancellor Valorum was white and heaving violently as he began puking behind the podium.

Senator Palpatine whispered something hurriedly to Padmé and he pushed her back to the comlink.

Padmé: Um. Honorable delegates of the Republic. Attention, please. I, um, would like to call for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum’s leadership.

The Senate erupted into chaos as screams of "Vote now! Vote now!" And "You sick, twisted fuck!" blasted across the speakers in thousands of languages.
 
 

That evening, Anakin met up with the Gella sisters in front of the bank.

Anakin: Alrighty, then. Let’s see the cash!

The two sisters looked at each other and pulled out only a modest sum of credits.

Anakin: What the fuck is THIS? You two are supposed to be professional ho’s. You barely got enough to get us a Taxi to the Senate Building. How are we supposed to eat and get drunk? How am I supposed to get LAID, goddamn it?

The sisters were nervous, but Ann Gella tried to defend their professional pride.

Ann Gella: I’m sorry, Master. But we’re no good at math. I have no idea how many credits to charge for a fuck here. And, of course, we both always go together on tricks—

Anakin: You fuck together?? With the John? And you don’t charge more for that?

Asa Gella: Why would we? Should we have? Why?

Anakin growled in frustration and jammed the credits into his pocket.

Anakin: OK, class. Listen up. Luckily for us, I didn’t spend the day fucking myself silly. I found a nice juicy podrace two days from now. The Black Sun Classic. Underground and illegal as hell. Entry fee is 2,000 credits. I even found someone desperate enough to hire me to fly their podracer. Seems the original pilot met with an unfortunate accident today. Leapt right off the edge of the walkway. Damn shame. I was HOPING you ladies would squeeze enough cash outta your asses to make a trip to Her Royal Trampness unnecessary, but it seems I was mistaken. So make yourselves useful and hail us a taxi. We have some serious begging to do.
 
 

Later, in Senator Palpatine’s office, Palpatine and Padmé toasted their success over a couple of drinks.

Palpatine: I must say, Your Majesty, you did very well. I was very proud of you.

Padmé: Thank you, Senator.

Palpatine: Now the Senate will elect a new Chancellor. A strong Chancellor. One not ruled by his own genitals. I have advanced you a modest credit account, Your Majesty, as a token of my thanks for your efforts here today.

Padmé: Wow. Really? Oh, Senator Palpatine that really wasn’t necessary. How modest?

Palpatine: A paultry sum of a hundred thousand credits. Just something to get you on your feet for a while and help you return to the lifestyle to which you’d become accustomed.

Padmé: Oh, thank you, Senator. Thank you! I really don’t know what to say. You have been so kind. So generous. So giving.

Padmé stood up and put the glass on the drink cozy on the desk. She started to sway her hips as she walked toward the Senator.

Padmé: I’d really like to thank you… personally, Senator.

Senator Palpatine’s eyes grew wide in shock, but he managed to smile politely and step back at the same time, still appearing to be gracious.

Palpatine: Not at all, Your Majesty. It is my duty to serve you, after all. And to help you return to your own duties to our people. If you’ll forgive me, though. I am sure you are tired. And I need to get to a meeting that I have delayed for some time. If you will excuse me.

Senator Palpatine slapped the comlink signal for his assistant.

Palpatine: Doris!
 
 

Padmé entered her suite still tipsy from the Senator’s wine and feeling very horny. She began searching for the illegal sexual aid she had purchased on Tatooine, but then she stopped and cursed loudly. She had left it on board the Random Start. It was probably lodged up Captain Azzameen’s ass and halfway to Saheelindeel by now.

She started to untie the twisted strings in her hair. Her clumsy fingers couldn’t untie them and eventually she just gave up. Frustrated, Padmé began to pull the buttons from her gown, and kicking it off. Reaching behind her back she unclasped her bra and flung it onto the floor. She started to peel off her panties when she heard a voice behind her giggling. Padmé spun around and assumed a combat crouch.

Anakin: Nice ass, babe. I’ve always thought you had a great ass.

Padmé spun around again finding Anakin Skywalker sitting comfortably on her chair with his feet up. Standing next to him, eyeing her seductively, were his two blue Twi’lek whores, smoking spice from a pipe.

Anakin: I need a favor.
 
 

Padmé: Let me get this straight. You need money to get into a podrace and money so you can hopefully win MORE money. Have you ever heard the term, "racket?" And why should I loan you anything? I don’t owe you a goddamn thing, munchkin.

Anakin: Au contraré, Your Slylessness. Perhaps we’ll call it a finder’s fee?

Padmé: What the fuck are you talking about?

Anakin pulled a shiny long glittering dildo from behind his back.

Anakin: I ran into an old friend of yours after you left the ship. I think he’d like to get reacquainted. What d’ya say, Queenie? Wanna fuck? For old time’s sake?

Padmé: (nodding thoughtfully) As a matter of fact. Yes. Yes I do.

Anakin tossed the dildo to Asa Gella and clapped his chubby hands together.

Anakin: Hot damn, Your Highny! You know, you’re OK.

Anakin started to unzip his pants until the Queen pushed him over onto his knees.

Padmé: Um, hold up there, Flyboy. I didn’t mean you and me. (She held up the shiny dildo) I meant "this" and me. (She pointed at the Twi’lek twins) And them and me.

Anakin: Oh, no way. Bullshit. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T!!!

Padmé laughed.

Padmé: Relax, kid. You can always jerk that little fella off later. Here.

Padmé picked up her panties off the floor and spread her wet pussy lips apart. She then smeared the fabric across her cunt and tossed the underpants back onto the floor in front of Anakin.

Padmé: There. You can sniff that while you jerk yourself off. Next best thing to being there, eh, kid? Now, nighty night.

Anakin: You bitch. Fine. Fuck ‘em. Go ahead. They were on their backs all day, anyway. They smell like Mon Calamari and vaseline. Enjoy. But what about our deal?

Padmé: You wanna talk deal? We’ll do it tomorrow. Until then, hit the road, half-pint.

Anakin: Dammit. Look. Meet me here, OK? Podracer Cantina. (He dropped a card with the address) Mid-day. I need 2,000 credits for the entry fee and some credits to bet with.

Padmé: I’ll make sure the ladies get home OK, powderpuff. Now – beat it.

Glaring angrily, Anakin snatched the panties up off the floor and left.
 
 

Anakin met Padmé outside the Podracer Cantina at mid-day. Together they went inside. The cantina was dark and reeked of spice and was full of customers, despite the early hour. A band was playing loudly on the stage in front of the bar. Suddenly, a twisted flurry of orange arms and ears flopped against Anakin almost knocking him over.

Anakin: What the fuck –?

Jar Jar: (slurred) Heysa yous! Rem’ebber meesa? Iss Jar Jar Binksess!

Anakin: Jedi’s Penis! How the fuck did you get here, or are there a bunch of you assholes all over the galaxy?

Jar Jar: How wude! Meesa wakin’ up from early mornin’ crunchin’ and nobody ‘round to find. Meesa went lookin’ for yous in d’ah cantinas and ran into d’is here bomband.

Padmé: You ran into a band? THIS band???

Jar Jar: Uh huh! D’ey needin’ someone to holdin’ d’ere stuff t’ru d’ah customs check here. Meesa say "I do it!" so d’ey bringin’ meesa here w’it d’em. Meesa is d’ere Gungan groupie-oh.

Anakin: Oh, for Christ’s sake. They must all be stoned out of their minds.

Padmé: You are a groupie for the Arachni Spinsters?

Jar Jar: Wha’? Meesa stutterin’?

Anakin: Whatever, Goo-stick. Why don’t you go poo-jam with your pals, there. Me and the Mrs. have some important business to discuss… Somewhere else.

Padmé: (laughing) Oh, I dunno. This Gungan may be useful. Come sit with us, Jar Jar. Why don’t you fetch us some drinks, boy.

Anakin growled at her and stomped over to the bar. Behind the counter was a grizzled old alien bartender with interlacing folds of what looked like deep scars criss-crossing his bony face. His teeth had been filed into points to give him an even more horrifying appearance.

Anakin: Three flameouts. And the bottle.

The bartender took a bottle of Flameout from under the counter and poured a shot. Then he lifted the glass and swallowed it himself. Shaking his head he pointed at the door.

Bartender: We don’t serve your kind here. You – Get out!

Anakin: Are you saying we’re not good enough to drink… Here???

Bartender: This cantina is for podracers only.

Anakin: Podracers, huh? Well, if you look outside and across the way there, you’ll see a red QuadDrive Omni-Blissex podracer. That’s mine. Tomorrow, I am flying that podracer in the Black Sun Classic. To be in that race, you would need a class three airspeeder license – which I have. My name is Anakin Skywalker. I won the Boonta Eve Podrace on Tatooine last week. I’m the only Human to ever win the Boonta Eve.

Bartender: You’re ANAKIN SKYWALKER?

The entire bar hushed in silence as all the other podracers turned to stare at the boy.

Anakin: (nodding) You say this cantina is for podracers? I am a podracer. And those are my friends. So I’ll take three flameouts. And the bottle.

Bartender: Yes, sir. Welcome to the Podracer Cantina.

The bartender passed Anakin the bottle of Flameout while he carried the drinks to the table himself.

Anakin: You serve food here?

Bartender: The best in the South Sector.

Anakin: I doubt that. Let’s see some menus.

Padmé: We won’t need menus. Bring us three Ewok steaks, ultra-rare.

Jar Jar coughed.

Padmé: Make that two steaks and a plate of fishsticks.

Bartender: Coming right up.

Anakin: (glaring at Padmé) Are you trying to piss me off?

Padmé: Yes.

Later, after finishing their meal and their drinks, Anakin presented his plan to Padmé.

Anakin: So that’s the deal. I need some cash to bet on myself for the race tomorrow, and when I win, I’ll pay you back. Simple.

Padmé: And what is in this for me, again?

Anakin: You like my whores, right? They’re yours. You loan me the money for the bet, and you can have ‘em.

Padmé: Not good enough, half-pint.

Anakin: Look, I had odds of 1000 to 1 last time. With 5000 credits, I’ll be rich. Again.

Padmé: OK, then. I want some of the take. You win big, and you’ll be rich. I want a piece of that.

Anakin: Dammit. Fine. We’ll split the winnings. 80/20.

Padmé: What? Were you home-schooled, slaveboy? That doesn’t sound much like a split to me. 50/50.

Anakin: Don’t shit on me, Queenie. 70/30. Take it or leave it.

Padmé: Take it or leave it? You got balls, kid. Not much of a dick, but you do got balls. Make it 60/40 and you got yourself a deal.

Anakin: Damn you to hell. Fine. FINE!!!

Padmé: Here. 5,000 credits. The whores are already at my place warming up the bed as we speak, so we’ll call them collateral. The Gungan here will keep an eye on you in the meantime. After the race, you meet me back at my place. Bring my cut and try not to die.

Anakin: I am not toting around this orange Dug-fucking tuna pronger. You take him!

Padmé: Call it part of the deal. You take him with you, and you can drop him off tomorrow.

Anakin: This deal is getting worse all the time.

Padmé: (laughing) Oh, I don’t know. I think it is working out just fine. Now, run along. Go make me a lot of money.
 
 

Anakin tried to ignore Jar Jar as they made their way from the Cantina to the Black Sun betting box. Jar Jar loped about and occassionally stopped to peer over the guard rails of the walkways into the dark depths of the city below. Anakin dearly wanted to push the Gungan to his death. When they arrived at the betting box, Anakin ordered Jar Jar to remain outside and "on guard." Jar Jar tried to look serious and stood at attention nearly two whole seconds before losing his balance and careening into the wall of the building. Anakin closed his eyes tightly, and went inside.

Anakin held his credits carefully, as he got in line for the betting box. Dreaming big dreams of vast riches, he waited for several minutes. Finally, he was close enough to get a look at the overhead screen above the counter. His mouth dropped open in shock as his hopes of cashing in big were dashed. He stared in horror at the odds displayed on the screen. Listed as the overall favorite with odds of 2 to 1-- was his name: Anakin Skywalker (**winner of the Tatooine Boonta Eve**). Anakin gritted his teeth in anger.

Anakin: Goddamn it!!!

His mind worked frantically trying to come up with some plan. He couldn’t enter under another name, he was too well known now to the other podracers on Coruscant. Obviously word of his triumph had spread like a supernova shockwave throughout the underbelly of the planet. He looked around him and then back at the odds screen. Listed as the underdog with odds of 10000 to 1 was the name: Fromm Glib.

Anakin and Jar Jar spent an hour searching the hangarbays for worst pilot on the planet. They had heard enough stories about Fromm Glib to fill Anakin with despair. He had hoped to quietly kill the fool and take his place in the race but that was impossible. Fromm Glib was a green furred native of the planet Duroon and he stood out amongst the other racers. Besides, his beat up pink podracer was custom designed to fit his diminutive form and the controls were keyed to his Duroonian fillanges. Finally Anakin found the hangar where Glib’s podracer was berthed. It was indeed as pathetic as he had heard. Disgustingly pink and covered in rust and dents. No ventral vents. No rear stabilizers. Only a single mounted engine, a burned out husk of a Kuat MiniSpinner. Probably just powerful enough to pull the podracer off the ground and maybe give it some forward motion -- But nowhere near powerful enough to get the speed needed to win the race.

Anakin: Shit. What we need… Are some parts.

Jar Jar: Meesa can go gettin’ t’ings if yousa wantin.’

Anakin: (growling) You know what you can do for me, Jar Jar?

The Gungan looked at the boy innocently with his big orange eyestalks.

Anakin: (shaking his head in frustration) Jar Jar, why don’t you go offer to help some of the other podracers with their repairs. That will be help enough.

Jar Jar: Okeyday!

Anakin looked around the several dozen hangars and all the podracers being tooled for the race, wondering what in the fuck he was going to do now. Shrugging, began wandering around. After all, he thought. Inspiration was his specialty.
 
 

The next morning was hazy, with the white light of the sun hidden behind stained yellow clouds. The podracers taxied into position in front of the palace of Black Sun, lining up their speeders far below the common traffic lanes in the bowels of the city itself. Anakin’s red QuadDrive pod was in the lead position, with the other pods ranked behind him according to their most recent winnings. The last in line on his left, chugging like it was near death before the race had even begun, was Fromm Glib’s ridiculous pink podracer. Anakin had tried to give up his pole position, but his offer had been politely refused. "Only the best for the winner of the Boonta Eve." Anakin was still grumbling and cursing as he slid on his gloves and secured his helmet straps.

Anakin: This is definitely gonna suck ass.

The starting blast erupted from the loudspeakers and Anakin gunned his engine forward. All the podracers streaked ahead, twisting over and through the intersecting skyscrapers and amongst the jutting spines of communications antennas. Slipping into the first leg of the course, Anakin took it easy, letting several other races get ahead of him. He wanted to hang at the midpoint and keep his eye on the single-engine pink podracer and Fromm Glib.

Passing out of view of the Holonet cameras, Anakin twisted his pod hard over to let two other podracers shimmy ahead of him. Turning around, he could barely make out the pink glint of Fromm Glib far behind.
 
 

In her quarters, Padmé watched the illegal podrace on the Underground Black Sun Network (UBSN). She was excited at first to see Anakin in the lead but angrily watched as the stupid kid seemed to be taking his time running the course. The race had started with over 20 podracers but each time the cameras panned back over the pilots, the numbers were dwindling rapidly. The announcers explained that it was due to the inherent danger in podracing and that death was a risk that every pilot took in their hope to gain the winning title as Podracer Champion.
 
 

Like howling mynocks, the podracers slipped through the twisting corridors between the towering buildings of the Southern Sector. Spinning to avoid a narrow bridgebreak, Anakin sent his podracer into a steep dive to enter into the Shaft, a long and treacherous alcove between 4 vast skyscrapers which ended in a large ventilation shaft several hundred stories below.

Pulling a black box from between his legs, Anakin tossed it over his shoulder into the engine pod of the racer behind him.

Anakin howled in triumph.

Anakin: Truguts WILL DO FINE!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

The pod engine caught the box, tearing the engine blades and the box to shreds, and sending the podracer out of control. The shiny truguts shot out the back of the engine at incredible speed. The podracer leapt like a gelded Tauntaun and smashed into the concrete wall of the Shaft. Behind it, the truguts were like tiny missiles, the shrapnel blasting into the windscreen of the podracer directly following, decapitating the alien pilot. The unmanned podracer plummeted into the canyonlike depths of the city.

Anakin: That Shaft is a bad muthafucker! Shut yo’ mouth!

Flipping his podracer upwards, Anakin cracked his engine mountings against the lead podracer and slapped him into the side of the tiny ventilation shaft. Careening through the flaming debris, Anakin spun his podracer through the vent and out the other side. Only six more to go. The other pods screamed out of the vent one by one. Looking over his shoulder he spotted the old clunkly and battered pink podracer bringing up the rear, trudging it’s way up from the open ventilator shaft. Smoke was sputtering from Glib’s overtaxed engine. Anakin shook his head.
 
 

Padmé straightened up in her chair and leaned forward, watching intently as the remaining podracers entered the last leg of the race. As eight podracers spun through the twisting channels in the depths of the inner city, the station paused for some commercials while the cameras shifted positions. When the broadcast resumed, only two podracers remained. Anakin Skywalker in the lead, and a beat up pink podracer with a single engine that seemed to be sputtering in it’s own death throes. Padmé leapt to her feet, cheering despite herself as she waited for the end of the race.

Coughing and waving the smoke out his face, Anakin stepped from the wreckage of his downed podracer. He could hear the cheers of the crowd under the tall arches of the palace of Black Sun and over it all he could hear the voice of the announcer on the loudspeaker:

Announcer: And the winner -- Fromm Glib, of Duroon! The winner and sole remaining racer of the Black Sun Classic. Congratulations!!!!

Anakin smiled as he pulled off his helmet and waved at the hissing and booing crowd.
 
 

After the race, Anakin collected his winnings at the payout box. Given his timely, and nearly last minute bet on Fromm Glib, he was one of the few winners that day, and Anakin was not unaware of the many heated stares at him from the other gamblers. He was too tired to care, though. He opted to directly deposit the majority of his vast newly won wealth into the Republic First Bank of Coruscant. Taking only a few thousand credits with him, Anakin collected Jar Jar from outside the building and hailed an airspeeder.

Jar Jar: Weesa goin’ home now?

Anakin: Shut up, homo. We got a stop to make first.

The taxi stopped outside the recruiting office of the Republic Starfighter Corps Excitedly Anakin rushed in and started filling out the forms. After an hour of signing his life away, he proudly dumped 50,000 credits onto the counter and passed his forms across the desk to the attendant.

Attendant: Thank you, sir. We’ll be in touch. Good day.

Anakin: Yes! Ha ha! I’m as good as in!

Back outside, Anakin hailed down another air taxi and almost managed to lose Jar Jar. Unfortunately, the Gungan clung to the boy like dirt and leapt into the speeder as it was about to take off.

Anakin: Great. Senate Building, please.

The air taxi driver nodded and the speeder shot away.
 
 

Anakin and Jar Jar met Padmé up in her suite. She did not look happy. Anakin looked around, but his whores were nowhere to be found. Jar Jar began to wander about the room looking out the windows. Padmé kicked a chair out of her way as she marched up to the boy, her fists clenched at her sides.

Padmé: Oh, smooth move, LOSER. What the fuck was that?

Anakin: Ex-squeeze me?

Padmé: You little bastard. I was watching the race on the Holonet. You fucking crashed! What the fuck was that?

Anakin: Hey, I managed to save the pod… Mostly –

Padmé: Fuck the pod, you little shit. What about my money?

Anakin: Sorry, Sweetheart. Time’s are tough. Truth is, I wasn’t that good of a podracer anyway. I cheated to win the Boonta Eve. Sometimes being a cheat isn’t enough. I tried though. I brought your faggot Gungan. Oh look. He is smelling some of your plants. Probably gonna piss on them. Well, so long, Honeybritches. I gotta figure out a way off this rock.

Padmé: Dammit! Wait! What the fuck?

Anakin ignored her and left. Padmé slapped at her com station.

Padmé: Alert! All guards, alert. There is a hostile intruder in the building. Subject is Human, male, approximately 9 years of age. Identified as one: Anakin Skywalker. Subject is armed and should be considered extremely dangerous.

Padmé sat back in her chair and cracked her knuckles.

Padmé: Choke on that! Honeybritches.
 
 

The Senate Guard Captain responded to the alert and began sending his troops into position. An urgent com message buzzed at his station and he answered it.

Senate Guard Captain: Yeah?

Voice: Captain. The subject you are attempting to detain must not be approached. We are sending over a pair of Jedi to handle the situation.

Senate Guard Captain: There is security alert in progress --! We have him on the top floor!

Voice: Nevertheless, you will await the Jedi. They will assist you in apprehending the subject.

The com dimmed as the message ended and the Captain slapped at the cutoff switch, cursing loudly.
 
 

The two Jedi Knights entered into the Senate Building and entered the elevator. Anakin Skywalker had been cornered on the top floor, or so the report had stated. The Jedi were going to meet the guards on the level below that and from their move in to capture the boy. When the elevator opened, the Jedi stepped out and found the Senate Guard Captain alone except for two other guards. Qui-Gon Jinn immediately sensed the situation and summed up what had happened. He reproached the Guard Captain sternly.

Qui-Gon Jinn: You were given specific orders --

Senate Guard Captain: I’m just doing my job. You wanna give me that juris-my-dick-tion crap, you can cram it up your ass.

Qui-Gon Jinn: The orders were for your protection.

Senate Guard Captain: I think we can handle one little boy.

Qui-Gon Jinn nodded at Obi-Wan and the two of them start moving up the corridor of the Senate Complex.

Senate Guard Captain: I sent up two units, they are bringing him down now.

Qui-Gon Jinn: No, Captain, your men are already dead.

The two Jedi stealthily moved up the spiraling steps that led to the top level of the Senate Building and the lobby. When they got to the lobby they found over a dozen smoking corpses of Senate Guards scattered across the floor. The elevators were offline on this level. Down the main corridor they could hear the faint echoes of blaster fire. Qui-Gon ordered Obi-Wan to skirt around the main corridor to the right and then circle back and come upon Anakin from behind.

Qui-Gon: Now, Obi-Wan. You wait for my signal, do you understand?

Obi-Wan: (excitedly) Yes, Master.

Qui-Gon: Wait for my signal.

Obi-Wan nodded hurriedly and took off down the corridor.

Qui-Gon Jinn crept cautiously along the main corridor, keeping to the sides and holding his lightsaber deactivated, but at the ready. Using the pillars as cover he moved carefully nearer to the sounds of blaster fire. Suddenly, his comlink bleeped for attention. Gritting his teeth to stifle a curse, the Jedi Master pulled the comlink free and turned it on.

Qui-Gon: I told you to wait for my –

Voice: Master Qui-Gon. The Jedi Council has information you may find useful. Standby for transmission.

Qui-Gon muttered under his breath his opinion of the usefulness of information from the Jedi Council. Suddenly the screen lit up with a message. The Jedi Master read it carefully and then printed a copy of it. He attached the comlink back onto his belt and called out loudly to Anakin Skywalker.

Qui-Gon: Well, well, well. If it isn’t the little rich boy. You done settling your accounts, little man?

Anakin: (shouting back) Just about! Only a couple more to go, and I’ll be about evened up.

Qui-Gon: You know, not a very smart thing, leaving your money in a bank. You never know who might be able to have access to it.

Anakin: What the fuck are you talking about, old man?

Qui-Gon: (reading the report from his comlink) "At mid-day today, the Republic First Bank of Coruscant logged the deposit of 50 million credits into the newly opened account of Anakin Skywalker." I have the deposit receipt right here in my hand.

Qui-Gon waved the receipt out in the corridor, letting it flutter in the open. A stinging bolt of laser fire smoked the sheet of paper out of his hand and sent it spiraling to the ground in flames.

Anakin: Sorry about that. You really should learn to hold on to your receipts.

Qui-Gon: If you liked that one, pissant, you are gonna love this. This is another receipt.

The Jedi Master held out another sheet of paper, flicking it gently and invitingly in the air back and forth.

Qui-Gon: A transfer receipt of 49.8 million credits from the account of Anakin Skywalker to Qui-Gon Ji—

Anakin: You sonuvabitch!!! MY MONEY!!!!

A cascade of blaster bolts came sizzling down the corridor into the walls around Qui-Gon Jinn. He sat back resting on the wall safely, laughing uproariously until tears started to form in his eyes. When the blaster fire started to become less common and the noise in the corridor lessened, Qui-Gon spoke up again.

Qui-Gon: Oh, and um, just so you know, punkass, the Republic Fighter Corps rejected your application. You’re TOO GODDAMN YOUNG, fuckhead!!! Too bad that 50,000 credits is non-refundable, eh?

Anakin: You unholy motherfucker!!!

Again another tidal wave of blaster bolts slammed into the already smoldering corridor walls, blasting out chunks of the rock and revealing the durasteel plating underneath. When the noise fell again and the blaster fire dimmed, Qui-Gon made his pitch.

Qui-Gon: Now, kid. Hear me out. I don’t want your money. I really don’t. I just wanted to kill you. Unfortunately, my boss has plans for you and well, death isn’t one of them. Now, you may have wanted to be a fighter pilot, and that’s dandy. But, kid. I gotta tell you. Being a fighter pilot is not all it is cracked up to be. One minute you are the Flying Ace and the next minute your ass is shot out from under you by a lucky proton torpedo. Nothing much left of you to bury, either.

Anakin: Go on. I’m listening.

Obi-Wan yelled out from his position flanking Anakin farther down the corridor.

Obi-Wan: Master, I swear to Christ Almighty, if you let that kid walk I’ll kill him just on general principle.

Qui-Gon: (shouting) Shut the FUCK UP, Obi-Wan! You are not going to do a goddamn thing!

Qui-Gon lowered his voice again to talk calmly to Anakin.

Qui-Gon: Now, if you want a REAL career with action, pussy, and power over millions – you should look into becoming a Jedi Knight. Why, with your attitude and spunk, you’ll go from Padawan to Jedi Master in no time at all, kid.

Anakin: Really?

Qui-Gon: I’m serious! Hell, you remind me a little of myself at your age, except I had a big dick. But don’t worry, kid. With the Force as your ally, you could have the smallest prick in the galaxy and everyone would still want to fuck you. When you are a Jedi Knight – you can have anyone you want.

Anakin: OK. So what now?

Qui-Gon: What now? Simple, kid. You throw down those turbocannons of yours and we meet up face to face. You can count if you want to.

Anakin: Um, no. I’ll… I’ll just toss my guns out. Don’t fuck me, man. You don’t want to see me mad.

Qui-Gon: I’ll throw out my lightsaber, too. Just to be fair. Let’s talk man to man, son.

Anakin heard the metal skid of the Jedi Master’s lightsaber roll across the corridor floor. Reluctantly he pushed his own guns out into the corridor against the wall and stood up.

Anakin: Now what?

Qui-Gon: We’re both gonna be two little wampas. You know what a wampa is, kid?

Anakin: No.

Qui-Gon: Well, a wampa is this big creature that lives in the snow. My point is that it is cool. And that’s what we’re gonna be. Two cool little wampas. Now I’m putting up my hands and I’m gonna walk into the corridor and meet you. You do the same, OK?

Anakin: (his voice shaking) OK.

Qui-Gon stood up and put up his hands and walked out into the corridor. Down the way and to his right he could see the small figure of the boy doing the same. With slow, deliberate steps, they walked toward each other until they were only a few paces apart. Slowly, Qui-Gon put down his hands, nodding to Anakin to do the same. Anakin lowered his hands.

Qui-Gon: Now, no offense, kid… But my boss is a little nervous at meeting you. Can you blame him? He insists that you wear these.

Qui-Gon pulled a pair of restraining cuffs from his robe. Anakin stepped back glaring in sudden anger.

Qui-Gon: Whoa, whoa kid. No big deal. Trick cuffs, OK? See?

With a casual flick of his wrist, Qui-Gon opened the cuffs and showed Anakin how to activate the hidden release. Anakin nodded.

Qui-Gon: OK, then. Now, Obi-Wan here… (he motioned for the young Jedi to come out) and I are gonna take you downstairs where some nice men will fly you over to the Jedi Temple. There you will meet my boss and you and he will have a chat. OK?

Anakin: Alright.

Qui-Gon: Great. Good boy. I like you better already.

Qui-Gon snapped the restraining cuffs onto Anakin’s wrists and ankles as Obi-Wan walked up to them obviously trying to hold in his anger. Qui-Gon shot him a warning look and continued to talk calmly to Anakin.

Qui-Gon: OK, right this way, son. We’ll head down those stairs there and we’ll be on our way.
 
 

The Queen returned to her quarters and found a message for her from Senator Palpatine requesting that they meet in his office at once. Padmé cleaned herself up and put on some fresh clothing and went out into the corridors of the Senate Building for the elevators. Within moments, she was standing outside his office. The Senators buxom assistant buzzed her in immediately.

Padmé: You sent for me, Senator?

Palpatine: Ah, yes, Your Highness. I have just received word that the boy Skywalker has been taken by the Jedi Council for testing.

Padmé tried to hide her disgust.

Padmé: Yes, Senator. I heard the boy was captured by the Jedi only after he attacked several dozen Senate Guards.

Palpatine: (raising an eyebrow in amusement) Is that what you heard? Hmm. Nevertheless, the boy is there and I need him here.

Padmé: Senator? I don’t understand --?

Palpatine: It is quite simple, Your Highness. You want your job back on Naboo, and the boy is the key to the end of the Trade Federation. They are expecting you to return with an army of Jedi Knights to take back your throne. They will never expect an attack from a young human boy.

Padmé: Really, Senator, with all due respect, I can see their point. The boy is indeed bothersome and annoying but I don’t see how he could be considered a threat to the Trade Federation OR the Jedi for that matter. I find him to be boorish and simpleminded.

Palpatine: Let me be frank, Your Majesty. The boy IS dangerous. They all see that. Why don’t you?

Padmé: Because I’ve been around him, Senator. I’ve seen the way he is. He isn’t dangerous, he is just mean-spirited and incorrigible. A typically immature Human brat.

The Senator tilted his head a fraction, knowingly. A strange look in his eye as he looked over the young Queen.

Palpatine: Your Majesty. Do you recall the boy ever using strange powers on others? On yourself, even?

Padmé: Strange powers? Well, not really. He is persuasive sometimes and he is a fair pilot, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say –

Palpatine: Forgive me, Your Highness, but if you’ll permit me… I wonder if you might take a moment to look at my ring here…

Padmé glanced confused at the Senator’s bright ring. Suddenly she felt very relaxed and at ease.

Palpatine: Ah, yes. Clever boy, indeed. But I think it will help you, my dear, to unsuppress those memories. Now, think back. Your journey here from Tatooine. Do you now recall the boy’s powers over you?

Padmé’s mouth dropped open in shock as her eyes glazed over in the memory of that horrible scene in the Captain’s quarters onboard the Random Start. The memories of the boy and his whores defiling her and mocking her as they took advantage of her – Her mind lost and powerless under the influence of the boy’s Jedi Mindtrick. She screamed.

Padmé: That little cocksucker!! I am gonna KILL HIM!!!!

Palpatine: Now, now, Your Majesty. A moment, please. Try and calm down. Keep looking at my ring.

Padmé’s eyes again glazed over as she concentrated on the Senator’s ring. The anger began passing away from her.

Palpatine: Of course, you will, Your Highness. You are brave and bold. This knowledge that you now possess will serve you as protection against the mind tricks of the Jedi. Only the most forceful power will overcome it. And the Jedi do not use such overwhelming power as a rule.

Padmé: Thank you, Senator.

Palpatine: Think nothing of it, Your Majesty. I have prepared a Republic Cruiser to transport you to Naboo. With the boy’s aid, you should have no trouble removing the presence of the Trade Federation. And now, Your Highness. I am sure that you have heard by now that I have been nominated to succeed Valorum as Supreme Chancellor.

Padmé hadn’t heard that, but she nodded anyway.

Palpatine: I assure you, Your Majesty, I will be Chancellor. And now it is time for our debts to be repaid. I have fulfilled my end of the bargain. Your Majesty— The Cloning Technology, if you please?

Padmé: Senator?

Palpatine: It is really quite simple. The key to the technology is hidden within your own genetic code. Merely a few precious traces of your genetic material inserted into this reader which will decode the information. If you don’t mind, I will do the procedure, myself, at once.

Padmé: Will it hurt?

Palpatine: Only in a good way. Sit still, now, Your Majesty.

Senator Palpatine took a shining scalpel from his desk and advanced on the Queen as she sat down in a high-backed chair. He used the scalpel to take a scrape of skin from her eyelid, from under her fingernails, the bottom of her foot and from her abdomen. The Senator placed the sliced layers of flesh into a small stasis tube and then sealed it up. Then, taking a slender needle and attaching it to a clear vial, he extracted some blood from the Queen’s arm.

Palpatine: And that is all. Thank you, Your Majesty.

Padmé: You’re welcome, Senator. I appreciate your assistance. If you’ll excuse me, then. I need to make preparations to collect Anakin Skywalker before we head back to Naboo.

Palpatine: Of course, Your Highness. By all means.

The Queen rose from the chair and gave a poised nod of farewell to the Senator before exiting his office. When she had gone, Palpatine signaled for his assistant to join him. Then, he hurriedly grabbed a heavy black hooded robe and threw it on just as his office doors opened and the burly assistant entered. The figure under the heavy black robes turned toward the door, waving a hand casually at the assistant.

Darth Sidious: You no longer need those.

The assistant nodded gratefully, and tore the wig from his head, exposing sharp horns through a shaved black scalp. Ripping the dress down the center, he stepped out of it, wearing only a tight black body suit stretched over his powerful muscles. Then, he peeled away the thick pink makeup mask to reveal the red on black tattoos of the Sith covering his terrifying face.

Darth Sidious: That’s better.

Darth Maul: My Master. You received the Cloning Technology?

Darth Sidious: I have the genetic material, yes.

Darth Maul: But, the female. She has left? You have allowed her to go? Why?

Darth Sidious: The Queen is young and naïve and of no threat to us now. She will either die in her rescue attempt of the boy or the two of them will be destroyed by the Trade Federation. It matters not. If she lives, then she will be useful to us when we move in to acquire the Cloning Tanks on Naboo. Either way, she will not survive long enough to give the technology to anyone else.

The young Sith Lord nodded knowingly.

Darth Sidious: Now, that does not mean, of course, that we should allow the Jedi the opportunity to intercept her. They will try and attack her at Naboo. Take your ship there and await them on one of the battlecruisers. Destroy the Jedi however you see fit.

Darth Maul: Yes, my Master. And what of our ‘allies’ -- the Trade Federation?

Darth Sidious: When you have disposed of the Jedi, destroy all the Trade Federation battlecruisers at Naboo. Wipe them out. All of them.
 
 

The Jedi Council convened before Anakin Skywalker was to be tested. Master Mace Windu informed the other Jedi Masters on the situation and coached them on the upcoming procedure.

Mace Windu: We may ask what is relevant, but anything beyond that is dangerous. He is a liar, the boy is a liar. He will lie to confuse us. But he will also mix lies with the truth to attack us. The attack is psychological, everyone. And powerful. So don't listen, remember that, do not listen!

A signal at the door drew his attention.

Mace Windu: OK. We’re ready. Bring him before us.

Two large guards opened the door as six more guards entered. Stepping back, they revealed the boy standing in their midst. Anakin had been brought into the Jedi Council Chambers in heavy restraints around his wrists and ankles. He did not look at all scared. In fact, he looked slightly annoyed, sullen and more than a bit bored. Master Windu waved his hand at the restraints on the boy.

Mace Windu: You must understand that you need those.

Anakin smiled grimly and wiggled his hand a bit and the restraints fell from his ankles and wrists with a clatter. The Jedi Masters exchanged startled looks at one another. A few brief whispers were cut off as Master Windu chopped the air with his hand, ordering silence.

Mace Windu: Did you do that?

Anakin: Yes.

Mace Windu stood from his chair and resecured the restraints around Anakin’s wrists and ankles.

Mace Windu: Do it again.

Anakin: In time.

Mace Windu: Why not do it now?

Anakin: In time.

Mace Windu: (sitting back down) You are here to be tested according to Jedi Custom. Normally, an initiate would be much, much younger. However, we have heard that the Force is strong in you, and we wish to test you ourselves.

Yoda: See through you, we can!

Mace Windu: Be mindful of your feelings.

Yoda: Who are you?

Anakin: Anakin Skywalker. Haven’t you heard of me yet?

Adi Gallia: How do you feel?

Anakin: With my hands, bitch. How do you feel? Any other deductive questions for me?

Yoda: I sense much anger in you.

Anakin: No shit? What gave it away? You drag me in off the street, lock me in cuffs, pull me up 200 floors in an elevator that smells like you look and you wonder why I’m angry? Some fucking Jedi Master you are.

Mace Windu: I sense much anger toward your mother.

Anakin: That dumb cunt. She would LOVE to see this, I bet. She always knew I’d end up on the wrong side of the law.

Mace Windu: This is getting us nowhere. We need more direct results.

Master Windu stood and from his pouch pulled a bottle of Midi-Chlorians in a saline solution. He opened the bottle and poured several drops on Anakin’s head. Anakin immediately began screaming obscenities and thrashing on the ground.

Mace Windu: (shouting) Now. How do you feel???!!!

Anakin: Cold! So cold, so very cold! Turn up the heat, won’t you – You tight ass motherfuckers!!!!

Adi Gallia: (shouting) Who are you?!!

Anakin: Idej a si eh! Eno on ma I! Eno on ma I! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Anakin leaned forward and vomited a disgusting, green bile in Yoda's face. Yoda wiped it off, coughing. The boy kept his eyes fixed on the aged Jedi Master, grinning evilly, watching the dripping green vomit splattered across the diminutive alien’s Jedi Robes.

Anakin: Ydob eht ni mraw si ti! Uoy ees I! Idej a si eh! Emit su evig! Adoy kees uoy! Adoy! Adoy!

Adi Gallia shot a concerned look at Yoda who was still trying to get the vomit out of his eyes.

Yoda: Blind am I, see nothing I cannot.

Anakin: Stick your cock up her ass! You mother fucking, worthless cocksucker!

Yoda: Silent be you!!!

Mace Windu sprinkled more Midi-Chlorians on the boy. Anakin threw his head back and cried in pain. Master Windu leaned down beside him and opened up the Jedi Codebook.

Mace Windu: (reading) Only two there are, no more… No less.

Anakin spit and hit Mace Windu in the eye with a yellowish glob of mucus that slowly oozed down his cheek. Yoda quickly hid behind his chair as Mace Windu pulled out a handkerchief and unhurriedly wiped away the spittle.

Yoda: Dumb fucker, you are, Windu. From the Jedi Cookbook you read!!!

The green elfin creature pulled a worn out leather book from his own pouch and tossed it to Mace Windu who opened it and began reading.

Mace Windu: The Dark Side is hard to see. Like an Ewok’s penis under the fur of deception. Fear leads to the Dark Side. Fear creates it, makes it grow… Fear leads to envy, envy leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate really sucks. The Dark Side is quicker, easier, more seductive. Like a Gamorrean whore half passed out on Bosko.

Yoda: From the Dark Side deliver us!

Anakin coughed and groaned as the two Jedi continued with the test.

Mace Windu: (reading) When once you walk down the Dark Path, forever will it dominate your destiny!

Yoda: Twilight is upon us, and soon, night must fall. Such is the way of things, the way of the Force.

Mace Windu: May the Force save it’s servant!

Yoda: Him who’s trust is placed in the Force.

Mace Windu: Be unto him like an almighty lightsaber.

Yoda: In the face of the enemy be it.

Anakin raised his head and screamed at the Jedi several times.

Anakin: Fuck him!!! Fuck him, Yoda! Fuck him!!!

Mace Windu: Let the Dark Side have no power over him.

Yoda: And powerless be the strength of the Sith to harm him.

Anakin: Your mother sucks cocks on Kessel, Windu, you faithless slime!

Mace Windu: Trust in the Force.

Yoda: Feel the Force around you.

Mace Windu: May the Force be with you.

Yoda: And also with you.

Mace Windu: A Jedi must have the most serious commitment, the most serious mind. I sense much anger in you.

Anakin began to jump up and down, twisting at his restraints, crashing onto the floor. The boy continued to scream at the two Jedi.

Anakin: Shove it up your ass you faggots!

Mace Windu sprinkled more Midi-Chlorians on Anakin. Anakin fell back crying in pain, his restraints sparking and twisting under the Force, and finally dropping to the floor. Tormented and enraged, the boy’s hands stretched out like horrible claws. The long-necked Quermian, Yarael Poof, began choking and pawing at his neck, unable to breathe. Then with a sharp pop, the long neck flopped uselessly in half, unable to support the head. Flopping in several death spasms, Master Poof’s corpse rolled from the chair onto the floor. Immediately, Adi Gallia sprung to the boy’s side and grabbed his wrists. Anakin bit her on the cheek savagely and tore a chunk of bleeding flesh from it, snarling in rage. Master Gallia screamed in pain, but managed to hold on.

Mace Windu: For a Jedi there is no anger! Be at peace, foul Vergence in the Force, let your blood be tempered!

Yoda: For the Jedi, fear there is not.

Mace Windu + Yoda: It is the power of the Force that compels you!

Anakin screamed and began pulling the hair from his head in small clumps, his body thrashing on the floor.

Mace Windu + Yoda: It is the power of the Force that compels you!

Anakin defecated in his clothing and began vomiting uncontrollably into Adi Gallia’s lap.

Anakin: Mother!!!!

Mace Windu + Yoda: It is the power of the Force that compels you!

Anakin blacked out and fell unconscious.
 
 

Master Yaddle entered the Jedi Temple, the guards parting for her respectively as she entered the elevator. Travelling up to the interrogation area, she exited the lift. More guards parted for her. As she moved into the corridor where ‘guests’ of the Jedi Masters were held, one of the guards asked her if she needed an escort. Master Yaddle politely shook her head negative and waved away the request. She continued on down the corridor looking dispassionately from side to side as she studied each hatchway. Finally, she centered her attention on one in particular and turned to face the occupant. Lying curled up and looking ill, was Anakin Skywalker. He smelled of excrement and blood and smoke. Master Yaddle was tempted to ask the boy if he had shit his pants at the Skywalker family barbecue, but bit her tongue.

She cleared her throat.

The noise made the boy turn over on his side. He looked exhausted but managed to hold up his middle finger at the short Jedi Master. The boy heard a familiar voice.

Voice: No need to be rude. After all we’ve been through.

Anakin’s eyes went wide with amazement as he watched the Jedi Master’s head tilt fractionally to the side. The alien’s lips hadn’t moved. The closer he looked, the more he realized that the alien’s skin had a subtle shine to it, and it was rigid… It was a MASK!!! Master Yaddle held up a hand to warn the boy before he could cry out in surprise. Then she activated the forcefield door and stepped back.

Anakin: (whispering) Who are you?

Voice: Who do you think?

Anakin: (loudly) Padmé!?

Master Yaddle’s head jerked up, the mask tilting lopsidedly. Down the corridor the guards were grabbing at their weapons and shouting at them to stop.

Padmé: Christ! Great job, kid.

With a flourish, Padmé tore off the Master Yaddle Jedi costume and flung aside as she straightened up to her normal height. Pulling a lightsaber from her belt, she tossed it to Anakin and drew a blaster from her holster. Anakin caught the lightsaber and held it in his hand objectively, as if testing the weight. It felt lighter than he expected and the handle seemed to be made of cheap plastic.

Anakin: Where the hell did you get this? I thought only Jedi had lightsabers?

Padmé: Get real kid, I got it at the Costume shop.

Anakin: Does it work??

Padmé: Yes it works. It has a temporary battery though. So why don’t you try using it? Unless you prefer it back in your cell?

Anakin didn’t need any further goading. He thumbed on the activator switch and a bright meter long yellow blade shot out from the end of the handle. As the blaster bolts started zipping toward them, Anakin took a step forward and haltingly began waving the blade back and forth in front of them. Occasionally, the laser bolts would strike the blade and bounce harmlessly away. The more he did it, the better at it he got. Within moments Anakin was laughing in glee as he blocked bolt after bolt. Padmé fired again and again, standing safely behind the boy as her own blasts struck the guards armored uniforms. After several blasts, one of the guards collapsed. Then another. The two youths started moving back down the corridor toward the elevator.

After the last guard fell in a smoking heap, Padmé ran back down the corridor.

Anakin: What the hell are you doing?? Let’s go, let’s go!

Padmé returned with the Yaddle Costume and tossed it over Anakin, pulling the robe down to his feet and tucking the mask firmly around his head. Tossing her blaster aside, Padmé resumed her most regal pose and activated the lift controls. The faint whine of alarms began to sound around them. Padmé looked down at the little boy under the costume and smiled at him.

Padmé: Why shoot our way out when we can just walk?

Anakin nodded quietly as they stepped into the elevator and Padmé pressed the button for the main floor.
 
 

Later, when they had received word of the boy’s escape, the Jedi Council brought Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi before them. Both of the Jedi Knights noted the empty chair amidst the circle of Jedi Masters seated around them.

Qui-Gon: I should have killed him when I had the chance. I believe I mentioned that.

Yoda: Master Qui-Gon! No more to say have you for now. Be silent.

Qui-Gon grumbled under his breath looking pointedly from Master Yoda to ‘Master’ Yaddle and then back at Yoda with a glare of contempt.

Mace Windu: We tested the boy and detected a vergence in the Dark Side of the Force residing within him.

Qui-Gon: A what? A vergence?

Adi Gallia: A power in the Dark Side stronger than any we have ever encountered.

Yoda: In tongues, the boy spoke. With much anger in him.

Mace Windu: Yes. He spoke in tongues, struck down Master Poof, and resisted the power of the Council to turn him.

Qui-Gon: So you think this boy is all that and a bag of chips. And you think he is the One that will bring balance to the Force? (shaking his head) What a bunch of shi—

Yoda: Clouded, the boy’s future is. Powerful in the Dark Side of the Force is he.

Mace Windu: Now is not the time for this! The Queen has taken the boy and she is returning to Naboo. It is imperative to our financial survival that we get the genetic code. Your mission is to intercept the Queen and capture her and the boy. Acquire her genetic material and bring the boy back to us.

Qui-Gon: Master Yoda, with all due respect, you must all be spiced to your gills. That boy –

Mace Windu: Master Qui-Gon! We don’t need any of your insolence today. What we need is to hear you say "You ain’t got no problem, Jedi. I’m on the muthafucker!"

Qui-Gon: And what of the Trade Federation?

Yoda: Of no concern, are they. When once we have the Cloning Technology, useless will their blockade be. Disband it, they will.

Qui-Gon: Very well. Once more into the bowels of the beast.

Yoda: Fail not, Master Qui-Gon. An open seat on the Council there is.

Mace Windu: May the Force be with you.

Qui-Gon: Sure, sure.
 
 

Obi-Wan followed his Master out of the Jedi Council chambers. They walked along with Qui-Gon steaming vehemently and muttering under his breath. When they had finally left the Jedi Temple and were heading toward the departure pads when Obi-Wan finally spoke.

Obi-Wan: Master, I don’t understand… Why are you so opposed to collecting the genetic material from the Queen?

Qui-Gon: Because that is ALL we’d have, Padawan. Her skin and feces and some blood. I want more than that, Obi-Wan. I want her dead. Do you understand me? Dead.

Obi-Wan: Yes, Master. But if she and the boy are travelling together and the Council—

Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan, can I tell you something? The Council is talking out of their ass here. That boy is NOT the Chosen One. He is NOT that dangerous. He is just a fucking uppity little slaveboy prick from the outer rimjob world of Tatooine. And no little shitfly is going to make a fool out of me and live.

Obi-Wan: But, Master. Why defy the Council again? Master Yoda promised you a seat on the Council if only—

Qui-Gon: And what is that? A seat on the Council. I have got to tell you Obi-Wan I have been doing a lot of thinking the past few days. The Jedi Council is about as fucked up a job as any other. At least as a Jedi Knight I can travel around and get laid and actually kill things once in a while. Sit in a fucking chair and read the Jedi Codebook all day long? Fuck that. Not for me, Padawan. Is that clear? Now, the Council will understand when the Queen and the boy are both dead. Obviously, if the boy is DEAD, he was NOT the Chosen One. Right?

Obi-Wan: Yes, Master.

Qui-Gon: Good. Now, c’mon. We need a transport to Naboo and I think I know just the right ship.
 
 

Platform Esk-287 near dusk on Coruscant. Captain Bindo Darje took in a long, deep breath before turning to his lovely First Mate standing next time him. Tandie Xieva smirked at him knowingly and handed him a datacard receipt of the completed repairs to his ship. It was ready to fly, right on schedule. Just like she’d said.

Bindo: Ah, Tandie. Have I told you lately that you’re a genius?

Tandie: Never.

Bindo: Remind me to tell you more often.

Tandie: You rat. C’mon. Let’s raise ship.

The two started to turn from their glorious view of bustling city when they noticed the two figures standing in front of their ship.

Bindo: Oh shit.

Qui-Gon: Hello, hello. We thought we’d find you still here. And available for business I see.

Bindo: Hold on, guys. Really. That Bothawui shipment will be delivered on time but ONLY if we leave now and head straight there.

Obi-Wan: Phooey on Bothawui. You wanna make some real money? We have a better job for you.

Bindo and Tandie looked at each other.

Tandie: I have a bad feeling about this.

Bindo: Go on, I’m listening.

Qui-Gon: We need a quick trip to Naboo. Right away. When we get there, we need to intercept a cargo hauler. Some ship called the Random Start.

Bindo: Intercept?

Qui-Gon Jinn shrugged and smiled evasively.

Qui-Gon: We’ll pay you 50,000 credits.

Bindo: Fifty thousand? For mercenary work? 100,000 credits. Half up front.

Qui-Gon nodded.

Qui-Gon: Done.

The Jedi Master walked forward and keyed a datapad in his hand. Relinquishing the money from his account, he passed the datapad to Captain Darje who turned his back and completed the transaction into his own account. Tandie just glared at him the whole time.

Bindo: OK. It’s a deal. We are ready to go now. How about you?

Qui-Gon: We are definitely ready.

Bindo waved them toward the ship and lowered the ramp, trying to ignore Tandie’s heated stare like laserbolts on the back of his head. When the Jedi were onboard he turned to her and whispered loudly.

Bindo: What? WHAT? Tandie— 100,000 credits, hun. That’s three times what I would normally charge for this shit. And against a cargo hauler??? You could spit on a ship like that and blow it up. This will be a piece of cake. Trust me.

Tandie: You had better be right about this. These two are trouble. I can feel it.

Bindo: Would you relax already—

The voice of the Jedi Master came loudly from inside the ship.

Qui-Gon: TODAY, Captain. Time’s a wasting.

The two pilots climbed onboard the ship and within several minutes, the ship took off. Just passing the orbiting defense platforms of Coruscant, the navicomputer keyed in the jump coordinates for Naboo. Still steaming, Tandie silently fed the coordinates to the hyperdrive and jabbed her finger into the Captain’s shoulder. Shaking his head, patiently, Bindo pulled the hyperdrive levers and the Murky Way leapt into hyperspace.
 
 

Two days later in the Naboo system.
 
 

Qui-Gon: There they are! Right on schedule! Move to intercept!

Captain Darje: Uh, sir. That isn’t a cargo hauler. That’s a cruiser!

Obi-Wan: Where the hell did they get a cruiser?

Qui-Gon: Doesn’t matter. We have the element of surprise. Attack!

The Captain shot a look at his first mate who returned it. She shrugged and began adjusting the shields and guns.

Captain Darje: Status of weapons and shields?

Tandie: Shields at full power. Weapons at full.

Captain Darje: Intercept course, full power to drive.

The Captain leveled out the freighter and twisted it toward the Republic Cruiser. The ship leapt ahead and the larger cruiser began filling the cockpit window.

Qui-Gon Jinn smiled grimly and gave a satisfied smirk at Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan nodded confidently and rubbed his hands together in anticipation.

Obi-Wan: Soon, Master. Soon. This is gonna be great.
 
 

Anakin stood on the bridge listening to their pilot explain some of the various controls of the massive cruise ship. The boy was really bored, but was hoping that the pilot would eventually relent and let the boy fly the ship for a while. Behind him the Queen entered the bridge.

Padmé: Captain? How soon ‘til we arrive.

Captain: Quite soon, Your Highness. We are less than a minute from breakout coordinates.

Anakin felt something stirring in his chest, as if he were both hungry and sick to his stomach at the same time. He could see the Queen replying but couldn’t hear what she said. Suddenly an image appeared in the boy’s mind.

Anakin: Raise shields. Ready weapons. Prepare for attack.

Captain: Uh, what?

Anakin: Dammit, you heard me. Raise shields! We are about to be attacked!

Captain: Look, kid. This isn’t some Holonet Action feature. We are about 30 seconds from dropping out of hyperspace and –

Anakin didn’t listen. Using the Force, he flipped the shield controls to full power and activated the turbolaser turrets.

Captain: What the fuck???!! You little shit!

The Captain moved to disengage the shields and weapons but his Co-pilot stopped him.

Co-pilot: Sir! Breakout coordinates!

Captain: Shit!!

The Captain slapped the boy away from the controls and grabbed the hyperspace release lever and pushed it forward. Outside the cockpit window the swirling blue clouds of hyperspace coalesced into the individual pinpricks of bright stars.

Anakin: There! 80 degrees to port! Look! I knew it!

Captain: What the hell?

Out the viewport to their left they could see a tiny Corellian freighter bearing down on them.

Captain: I don’t believe it! Evasive manuevers!

Anakin: NO! Don’t. Not yet. Let them think they’ve surprised us. Keep our shields up and I’ll get to the turbolaser. Once I start firing you can move to intercept.

Captain: I don’t know, kid. That is only a little freighter. We could blast them right now –

Anakin: No way. They are MINE.

Padmé: Oh, let him have his fun for Hell’s sake.

Captain: Yes, Your Highness.

The boy took off from bridge and slid through the sliding cockpit door. Running down the corridor dodging to his right he slipped into the port side gunnery station and leapt into the seat. Activating the targeting sensors he arranged the gun and grabbed the control sticks in his hands excitedly.

Anakin: Come to daddy, boys…
 
 

Captain Darje: Distance to target?

Tandie: We’ll be in range in 6 seconds. Five. Four. Three. Two –

A huge blast rocked the ship sending smoke billowing into the cockpit from the fire suppression vents. Another explosion and the ship reeled to the side again. Flashes or green turbolaser blasts erupted all around the ship. A sparkling flash from outside showed one of the forward shields failing.

Captain Darje: Holy shit! Evasive manuevers!

Tandie: Forward shields at 40% and we’ve lost the forward port shield. Attempting to reroute power –

The Captain managed to swing the ship to the right as another series of blasts tore through space just meters from the freighter’s hull. The ship rocked from the shockwave of the near miss.

Obi-Wan: I don’t believe it! They knew we were here.

Qui-Gon: Not they, Padawan. Him. Goddamn it!

They quivered as more near misses flipped past the ship. Suddenly they all jolted to the side as bright flash erupted from the port engine. One of the computer banks sparked and the screens and buttons went black.

Tandie: Direct hit! Port engine failing! Shields at 70%.

Captain Darje: Bring us about! Aft shields to full power! Best speed, course 151 mark 170.

Qui-Gon: What the hell are you doing???

Captain Darje: We lost our port stabilizer and our engines are at 50%. Our dorsal turret is gone!! If we don’t withdraw now, we won’t be able to! (To Tandie) Begin calculating the jump to hyperspace, just a short hop, nowhere fancy!

Obi-Wan: Oh, I don’t believe this!!!

Tandie: Aft shields are at 50%. Port engine is near critical!

Captain Darje: How soon to lightspeed?

Tandie: Navicomputer shows 83 seconds to jump coordinates.

Captain Darje: Rear guns, fire!

Tandie triggered the automatic fire on the belly turrets and pounded the pursuing ship with laser cannon blasts. The smaller freighter began pulling away.

Qui-Gon: I’ll go man the belly turret.

Tandie: Direct hit. Their shields are holding!

Captain: Darje: Power down port engine, divert power to starboard drive.

More blasts streaked past their ship as the Captain rolled the ship into evasive manuevers.

Tandie: Our speed is 110km per second. Starboard drive holding steady.

Captain Darje: Divert power from weapons to shields. Emergency power to the starboard engine.

Tandie: Aft shields are at 20%. Jump coordinates in 5 seconds.

Captain Darje grabbed the hyperspace lever with his right hand and twisted the ship into a spiral dive, then corrected. The tracking turbolaser blasts went wide.

Tandie: Punch it!

Darje pulled back on the hyperspace lever just as the ship lurched horribly with another blast from astern. The starboard engine exploded and the ship began spinning violently out of control toward the surface of the planet. Slapping at the controls, the Captain fired the attitude jets. Normally used in the final stages of a ship to ship docking in space, the jets had little manuevering power of their own. Still, after a concerted effort and systematically firing them, Darje managed to stabilize the spin of the ship as it began falling closer to the planet. The ship began to shake violently as it entered the atmosphere.

The Captain and Tandie exchanged a shuddering look of terror as the cockpit door slid open and the older Jedi Knight appeared.

Obi-Wan: Well, what now, Master?

Qui-Gon: We try and land, and find a way to slip back into the city of Theed. We’ll intercept them there.

Captain Darje: You know, Mates, if it’s all the same to you – I think we’ll sit this one out. How about if we drop you off –

Qui-Gon Jinn cut him off with a fearsome glare. The Captain swallowed and turned pale.

Obi-Wan: Just land the ship, Captain. You’ll be on your own after that.

Captain Darje: Sure, fine. No problem –

The ship lurched as a loud creaking sound of strained metal pounded their ears. The two Jedi Knights fell forward against the backs of the pilot chairs.

Captain Darje: Oh shit!

Tandie: What the fuck???

Captain Darje: We’re overcorrecting somehow. Check the -- Oh shit.

Again the Captain stopped in midsentence as he stared out of the cockpit. Directly ahead of him was a long grey vessel with curved fins on the back and a gaping drive nozzle.

Obi-Wan: Master? What kind of ship is that?

Qui-Gon: I have no idea. I’ve never seen anything like it.

Obi-Wan: Oh my God! I know that ship! It’s the ship that blasted the Queen’s transport on Tatooine!!

Tandie: Captain! It has us in a tractor beam! We are being pulled along with it!

Captain Darje: Repulsorlift?

Tandie: No good, sir. Without the main engines, we’d shred the secondary drive.

Captain Darje: Well, then, I guess we should get ready for a surprise party.
 
 

Anakin watched through his turbolaser port as the tiny freighter staggered off into the planet’s atmosphere. He powered down the targeting computer and released the gun grips and squeezed out of the turret station. In a few moments he was back on the bridge collecting the awed respectful glances from the Captain and his Co-pilot. The Captain started to speak but Anakin cut him off with a simple wave of his hand.

Anakin: Really. No thanks necessary. Don’t mention it.

Captain: You knew about the attack. I can’t believe it.

Anakin: You really should open up your mind to new ideas and more youthful thinking. In fact, here. Let me help you.

The boy jutted out his hand and stretched out with the full power of the Force. The Captain’s managed to squeal once in surprise before his neck popped viciously and his trachea appeared hanging outside of his flesh. The Captain’s corpse flopped down in his chair, held in only by his restraints. The Co-Pilot screamed and the blood escaped his face turning him a ghostly white.

Padmé: Anakin!

Anakin: You saw it! That incompetent putzmonkey slapped me. Slapped ME, goddamn it. And after I saved his fucking life, too.

Padmé: Anakin, you can’t just KILL everyone that pisses you off. You’re better than that. And think about it. If you kill everyone who is inferior to you, you will be all alone. And you don’t want that, now, do you?

Anakin shifted slightly from foot to foot thinking.

Anakin: Well, no. Not alone. But he hit me!

Padmé: OK, OK. He hit you. He shouldn’t have done that. It wasn’t nice. But you could have just humiliated him or made him apologize or something.

Anakin: Yeah. Well, OK. Sure. Next time.

Padmé: That’s wonderful, Anakin. Really. Now, um, Co-Pilot, I guess you have the bridge-thingy. We need to land on the planet undetected. Can you arrange that?

The Co-Pilot was still shivering in fear as he looked back and forth between the boy and the Queen. He tried to nod but his neck shuddered violently as his head bobbed uncontrollably. The Queen merely waited until the Co-Pilot could tremble out an affirmative and then she nodded at him.

Padmé: Great, then. Let’s not make any mistakes, now, OK?

The Queen emphasized the last word strongly, making damn sure the Co-Pilot fully understood the consequences of failure. The front of the Co-Pilot’s flightsuit became dark as he urinated unconsciously.

Co-Pilot: No, Your Highness. No mistakes.

The Co-Pilot unfastened his late Captain’s restraints and tugged the corpse out of the chair and set it to the side of the cockpit. Just as Anakin and the Queen started to leave the bridge, the Co-Pilot resumed his station and began shakily plotting their stealth approach to Naboo. With a frightening jolt, the hull of the ship trembled violently as a loud squeal of strained metal tore through the air. The Co-Pilot flopped to his side and tried to hold onto his controls, but the Queen and Anakin were tossed violently against the bridge hatchway. As they crumpled to the deck, the hatchway opened and the Queen rolled through it helplessly as the ship heaved again. The ship was shuddering violently around them. Anakin struggled to his feet and threw himself forward into the Captain’s chair.

Anakin: What the fuck is that?

Co-Pilot: There, sir! Directly ahead. Trade Federation battlecruiser. We’re caught in it’s tractor beams.

Anakin glared at the Co-Pilot savagely. The Co-Pilot tried to swallow, but couldn’t.

Anakin: Why you ignorant FOOL!!!! What did I tell you about that?

Co-Pilot: But, sir! They were ready for us, as if they expected us to—

Anakin: Oh, just DIE, would you?!!

Anakin extended his hand, palm out, and flooded the Force through his arm and into the face of the Co-Pilot. The tremendous Force Push slammed the man hard against his restraints and snapped his spine audibly. Spitting a torrent of white drool, the Co-Pilot’s head sagged lifelessly to the side.

The bridge hatchway opened and the Queen crawled back inside. She immediately noticed the dead Co-Pilot and gave Anakin a disciplinary glare.

Anakin: I’m trying to stop, I’m trying to stop!

Anakin shrugged innocently waving his hand at the rapidly growing shape of the Trade Federation battlecruiser filling the cockpit window. With a heavy sigh, the Queen rolled her eyes and nodded her head, relenting.

Padmé: OK, OK. What’s done is done. Now what do we do?

Anakin: I’m thinking! I’m thinking!

The ship’s communications station came alive. A few bursts of static and then a close-up image of the bridge of the battlecruiser filled the screen. The face of the Neimodian Viceroy came into view.

Ah, welcome back, Your Highness. So good of you to return as we expected.

Padmé: You won’t be so happy when you’ve heard what I have to say, Viceroy. Your blockade is finished! I represent the might of the Republic and it’s solemn oath to crush you with the full weight of it’s power!

Nute Gunray: (yawning) Your Majesty, we had already received word of your arrival. A short time ago we intercepted a civilian shuttle attempting to return to the planet. The occupants of the ship were most informative of your situation.

Motioning to one side the Viceroy waved someone forward. The screen panned out slightly and there, standing next to the Viceroy, looking both sheepish and excited was the orange-skinned Gungan, Jar Jar Binks.

Jar Jar: Um, hellooo boyos. Meesa back!

Anakin and the Queen exchanged disgusted looks.

Nute Gunray: Now, unless you want to see this creature killed, most violently. I advise you to give yourself up peacefully.

Padmé: I got a better idea, asshole. How about if I just blow myself up here and now?

Anakin looked at Padmé, stunned. Padmé looked back at him stoicly.

Nute Gunray: Now, now, Your Highness. Why don’t you take a few minutes, and think it over. No need to be so impetuous.
 
 

The Corellian Freighter hovered in the power of the strange ship’s tractor beam just over a meter above the hangar in Theed City. With a sudden drop, the ship was released from the beam and crashed violently onto the deck. Smoke rose from the dead control stations in the cockpit and the Jedi got back onto their feet. Captain Darje and Tandie unbuckled their harnesses and stood up. Reaching into a small alcove under the navigator’s station, Bindo pulled out two gun holsters. Passing one to Tandie, he strapped on his own. When they were ready, they nodded at the Jedi. Qui-Gon keyed the manual hatch release on the cockpit and the door groaned without power. Obi-Wan had to shove the hatch open the rest of the way. One by one they crept down the short corridor to where the main hatchway was located. Bindo and Tandie took up positions directly in front of the hatch and the two Jedi leaned hidden against the recesses. Another nod, and Qui-Gon pulled the manual release and the main hatchway rolled up and the rampway fell down with a loud metallic clang. Bindo and Tandie immediately began scanning for assailants. The area around the open hatch seemed clear enough. Bindo nodded, and the two Jedi rolled through the open hatch. Given their unpowered landing, they only had a meter of open space to get out of the ship, but it was enough. The two Jedi landed gracefully in a defensive crouch, their lightsabers ready, but not activated. They started to move to the sides of the hatch just as Bindo and Tandie dropped down themselves, landing back to back with their guns out and ready. The hangar was empty.

Tandie: I don’t like this. It’s too easy.

Bindo: Easy? You call this easy? I’m about to piss my pants!

Obi-Wan hissed: Quiet!

The two Jedi began moving out carefully away from the crashed freighter. Bindo and Tandie doing the same, trying to cover each other and the Jedi at the same time. The group started moving toward the main hangar doors when they slid apart. In the center of the doorway stood a tall, dark hooded figure. From both sides two groups of battle droids marched into view, their guns up and ready. Qui-Gon looked at Captain Darje with a hopeful glance, then at Tandie.

Qui-Gon: You want to handle this?

Captain Darje and Tandie exchanged doubtful looks and shook their heads. Darje waved politely toward the menacing figure standing before them.

Bindo: No, no. You go ahead.

Qui-Gon looked at Obi-Wan and grunted.

Just as they activated their lightsabers, Bindo and Tandie jumped to the sides trying to take cover behind some storage containers. Laser blasts began exploding all around them. The Jedi began to effortlessly block the laser bolts and were shifting into a better defensive posture when suddenly the figure in black threw back his hood. There, standing before them, was none other than the vile Captain Panaka. And he was laughing uproariously at the Jedi Knights. The two Jedi sneered in anger and stepped forward, slicing through the battle droids and moving toward Panaka. Just as they were within striking distance, six droidekas rolled in front of them and unfolded before the Jedi. They began pounding the Jedi Knights with quad laser blasts as their shields opened up around each one. Captain Panaka howled in laughter and took off running.

Obi-Wan: Goddamn it!

Qui-Gon: It’s a standoff. Let’s go.

Bindo: Hey! Wait a damn minute!

But it was too late. In a sudden burst of speed, the two Jedi vanished at a run back into the hangar bay away from the droidekas. The marching destroyer droids advanced on Captain Darje and Tandie and the heavy blasters began tracking toward them. Bindo tossed down his weapons, and glanced at Tandie, hoping she’d do the same. She did.

Bindo: You win this round. We surrender.
 
 

The two Jedi Knights fled away from droidekas, hoping to find cover amongst the larger containers where they could regroup and plan a better attack. Suddenly a dark figure leapt into view behind them. The two Jedi turned with an angry growl of rage. But this figure was faster, and before Obi-Wan knew what had happened, the figure had pulled a heavy object from it’s robes and brought one end cracking down against the Padawan’s temple, blasting him unconscious and sending him reeling onto the deck. Qui-Gon brought his weapon up in defense, noticing for the first time what the thing was the figure carried. It was a huge double ended black dildo. Qui-Gon blinked in surprise, but he was also too late to defend himself. The terrible figure moved like a shadow and with a spinning dive, slammed the black dildo brutally across the Jedi Master’s head. Qui-Gon crumpled to the deck.
 
 

Bindo Darje and Tandie Xieva stood inside a holding cell inside the Naboo Security Complex. Outside the forcedoor stood a gloating Captain Panaka, whom the two had never before met, let alone heard of.

Captain Panaka: Well, it’s like this, peeps. Since we have the Queen, and the Jedi, we don’t really need you. This is what they call, in the entertainment industry, the tying up of loose plot strings. Normally, we would just kill you and be done with it— But it seems the writers like you two and have decided to let you live a while longer. Maybe let you fuck each other here in this cell. And who knows, maybe bring you back in a sequel. Whatever. The point is, I’m rich and you’re not and I have a date with some identical octuplets and some very naughty handmaidens. So, I’ll leave you to it.

With a jaunty wave, the black security officer turned around and signaled several battle droids to remain guard over the prisoners. After scribbling something on a piece of paper, he left.

Bindo: Shit. You know, I could have been a programmer. I could have been somebody. Instead of a freighter bum, like I am now.

Tandie: Oh would you shut up already! You think you have problems? I’ve been your co-pilot for 2 weeks and I’ve been shot at, threatened, cajoled and forced around the galaxy by two of the sexiest guys I have ever seen in my life, both of whom didn’t even make a pass at me! Not ONCE!! You know what that does to a girl’s self esteem? And before you go on, here’s the final candle in the cake, old man. I’m 18 and a virgin. And I’m probably gonna die soon.

Captain Darje stared at amazement at his co-pilot. He swallowed remorsefully and nodded his head slowly.

Bindo: I’m sorry, Tandie. Really. I’m sorry I ever got you into this mess. I promised you action, adventure, and really wild things… And now we’re gonna end up dead.

Tandie: You really think we are going to die?

Bindo: Well, I don’t see any other way out of it. You heard the guy. They don’t need us anymore.

Tandie: Well. There has to be something we can do! I mean… What is that he said about a sex scene? What if we tried that? Surely if we had a really hot and passionate sex scene they would keep us around for a little while longer, right? Right?

Bindo: I dunno, Tandie. I mean, I guess it’s worth a try.

Tandie: Bindo— try not. Do me, or do not! There is no try. And I vote "do me."

Bindo nodded positively and tore off his flight tunic, kicking off his boots. Tandie tilted her head to one side and eyed him patiently. Bindo blushed and nodded again. He continued to undress, but more slowly, taking his time with each snap and button. First opening his shirt to expose his chest. Tandie smiled and began to slowly undress as well. Together they stripped seductively in front of one another. As Tandie release the fastenings on her bra and let it fall to the floor, she cupped her hands shyly over her nipples. Bindo peeled off his shirt to expose his bare chest. Tandie let go of her breasts and put her hands slowly to her sides. Bindo’s eyes went wide as he took in her lovely firm breasts and her perky dark nipples. His hand moved to his trousers and he slowly pulled them down. Tandie watched him intently. As Bindo stepped out of his pants, he put his hands to the side of his shorts. Gripping them firmly, he started to slowly tug them down… down… and then with a flop, they passed over his cock and balls. Bindo’s penis was starting to swell up and swung back and forth as he continued pulling down his shorts. Tandie slid her panties off as well. Her dark patch of pubic hair glistening slightly, revealing how wet she was getting. Barely noticeable between her legs, Bindo could make out the faintest curves of her vaginal lips. As he stared over her lovely body, he felt his dick getting harder and harder until it was standing erect straight in front of him.

Reaching out, Bindo took Tandie by the shoulders and pulled her toward him, kissing her firmly on the mouth, their lips pressing against each other, sliding passionately back and forth as their tongues slowly explored each other’s mouths. Tandie gently felt the Captain’s hard dick against her fingertips as she traced the veins up and down the shaft and cupped his sagging balls in her palm. Pulling her down to the floor, Bindo began to kiss and nuzzle her neck and breasts, his hands gliding over her firm body. Tandie felt the wonderful tingles running up her legs and down her arms as the two explored one another with their hands. Bindo then gently spread Tandie’s legs apart and slipped his mouth down between her thighs, putting his lips against her pussy and lapping at the wetness beneath her throbbing clit. Tandie moaned and leaned back, her hands running through his hair, pulling his closer and deeper so his tongue could explore inside her. Bindo ran his fingertips across her labia, pulling them carefully apart and rubbing them gently as he lapped over and over at her smooth, velvety skin. Soon, Tandie was shivering in ecstasy and her thighs tightened together as she had a shuddering orgasm. Grabbing her Captain by his shoulders she pulled him up into a deep kiss. Wrapping her legs around his waist, she pulled him closer and closer until she could feel the hard firm head of his cock pressing against her cunt. She grabbed Bindo’s ass and pulled him toward her, feeling his hard dick entering her. She moaned loudly and wantonly, wanting to feel the full length of his cock inside her. She wriggled and pulled him deeper and deeper until his balls pressed against her pussy. Her mouth open, her head fell back, and she began grinding against him, enjoying the pressure of Bindo’s pubic bone humping her sensitive clit. Soon, they were both moaning together and grunting in a mutual orgasm. Their bodies wracked with sweat and trembling in desire.
 
 

Caught in the grip of the Trade Federation tractor beam, the Republic Cruiser was slowly being dragged closer and closer to the landing bay. The Viceroy had given the Queen time to think things over and now her time was up.

Nute Gunray: Well, Your Highness? Your decision?

Padmé: Never, Viceroy. Never. I will NOT condone a course of action that will help you fuck me over.

Turning to the side, Nute Gunray nodded at his battle droids. Jar Jar Binks yelped as the battle droids grabbed his wrists and dragged him over to the emergency airlock.

Jar Jar: Dumb droids!

Opening the hatch, the two droids tossed the Gungan inside and resealed the hatch. Another nod from the Viceroy, and one of the droids activated the airlock release. There was a faint sound of exploding air, then silence.

Padmé: You can think again, Viceroy, if you think that the death of one Gungan is of any concern to me.

Nute Gunray: You assume too much, Your Highness. Your Gungan friend was not the ONLY one aboard that shuttle.

The Viceroy again motioned to the side and the screen panned out. Anakin could see the other members of the Trade Federation gathered on the bridge to enjoy this auspicious moment. Suddenly, his eyes went wide as a pair of familiar forms appeared next to Rune Haako.

Nute Gunray: Your Majesty, we have captured your Twi’lek girlfriends. They were hoping to rejoin you on the surface, enjoying with you your newly regained throne. Now, come, Your Majesty. No reason to commit rash acts here. Come aboard. Deliver to us the Cloning Technology and we all celebrate our great wealth together and you can be reunited with your lost loves.

Anakin exchanged a glance with Padmé and then looked back at the screen. The Ann and Asa Gella looked fearfully about and then at the screen. Suddenly, they recognized their master, Anakin, standing before them. A look passed between them all as the whores suddenly understood what was going to happen.

Anakin: Smile— You’re whores.

Anakin slapped his wrist controls for the slavegirls explosive implants. Then, the boy grasped the ship controls and twisted the cruiser around. The screen blanked out in a white burst of horrible static. Within moments, bright bursts of explosions erupted through the hull of the battlecruiser. With a sickening lurch, the tractor beam failed and the cruiser was free. Padmé leapt into the Co-Pilot’s seat and barely had time to snap her restraints before Anakin kicked the engines into full power, blasting away from the exploding Trade Federation vessel. Followed by flaming debris and sparks, the Republic Cruiser spun gracefully away and then straightened out as Anakin prepared the ship for landing. The Queen couldn’t get the look of astonishment off her face. She looked at the boy in complete awe.

Padmé: Anakin. You, you did it.

Anakin: I know. It was hard, but I figure, if I have you— What do I need them for, you know?

Padmé thought about that comment and decided it was probably a compliment. She smiled pleasantly at the boy.

Padmé: Good point.
 
 

The two Jedi Knights had been stripped naked and were on their knees bent over a restraining device that held their wrists and ankles firmly in place. Their necks were being held down by a tightly coiled strap which forced their jaws forward. They were less than a meter from one another, their faces apart, and their asses close together. Their cocks hung down completely vulnerable.

Qui-Gon: As a Jedi Knight of the Republic, it is my duty to inform you that this device is illegal under Section 947 of the Republic Legal Charter, Sub-section 14 Paragraph C and that the use of this device is punishable by up to 20 years in prison, per offense, and the sentence can run consecutively.

The Dark Lord rolled his yellow eyes and picked up a remote control. Snapping a switch several screens flickered on all around them. With another press of a button, Darth Maul started playing a video disk. The images were instantly familiar to the two Jedi Knights. The video disk was showing the Hutt Productions unedited Director’s Cut of the double feature: "The Clone Whores" and "The Sperm of the One-Eye." Mortified, Qui-Gon watched himself in the midst of an all-male fuck fest with a group of identical dark-haired octuplets.

Qui-Gon: Where did you get that?

Darth Maul: I have a contact on Tatooine, you remember him. The one-time Naboo chief of security?

Qui-Gon growled low in his throat.

Qui-Gon: Panaka! That bastard.

Darth Maul threw back his head and laughed. Pulling the large, black double-ended dildo from his belt, he grasped the middle of it and held it out so the Jedi Master could see it. He flopped it slightly so the two ends wiggled heavily, up and down. Then the Dark Lord walked around and knelt in front of Obi-Wan letting him see it as well.

Darth Maul: (standing up) I love to watch a good movie while I have sex. Don’t you? Woo hoo. Look at ‘em go!

The second feature had begun, this one starring both Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi (listed in the credits as "Qui-Hung Dong" and "Omy-God Fuckme"). Tossing the dildo down onto the floor between the two naked rear ends of the Jedi, Darth Maul casually kicked off his heavy black boots and began stripping of his black tunic and trousers. His fiendish red on black tattoos covered his entire body. Naked, he began stroking his cock slowly, walking idly around the room so he could see the looks on his victim’s faces. Obi-Wan could see that the Dark Lord’s penis had a red "YD" tattooed on his dick. Darth Maul continued to grip his dick, stroking it, pumping it up harder and thicker. When next the Sith Lord walked past Obi-Wan, the young Jedi saw the words "You’re Fucked" tattooed in bright red along the length of the long, black shaft. Worse than that, however, were the ten hard, bony protrusions that jutted from around the big, plump black head of the penis. They were small, but curved and very sharp and matched the horns on the head of the Dark Lord. Obi-Wan closed his eyes in despair.

Kneeling behind the young Padawan, Darth Maul placed the fat head of his cock between Obi-Wan’s butt cheeks. Obi-Wan strained his neck, uselessly trying to squirm free. The young Jedi could feel the sharp pricks of the tiny bones jabbing against his ass and he gritted his teeth trying not to scream out in fear. Suddenly, with a magnificent thrust, the Sith Lord shoved his long boner up Obi-Wan’s ass. Obi-Wan screamed out in terror and pain. Darth Maul started pumping his hard cock over and over again until he had sunk it in completely, his floppy balls slapping against the inside’s of the Padawan’s thighs. Blood was starting to leak down onto the restraints.

Qui-Gon: Don’t center on your anxiety, Obi-Wan. Keep your concentration on the here and now where it belongs.

Obi-Wan: That’s easy for you to say, you don’t have this bastard’s bony cock up YOUR ass.

Darth Maul slapped Obi-Wan in the back of the head.

Darth Maul: You watch your language, bitch.

Darth Maul was enjoying the terror he was instilling in the younger Jedi. He decided that when it was finally time for him to squirt his load, the Padawan was the one that would feel it first. Still, he didn’t want to rush it. Pulling his erect cock from Obi-Wan’s ass, the Sith Lord stood back up, and flicked his dick, splattering drops of blood onto Obi-Wan’s bare back. Darth Maul walked between the two fastened down Jedi Knights and picked up the huge dildo.

Obi-Wan: (almost sobbing) Oh, no! Not AGAIN!

With a wicked grin, the Dark Lord began working the huge black dildo up the young Jedi’s already swollen and bleeding asshole. Obi-Wan gasped in pain and tried unsuccessfully not to cry out. He was almost in tears. When the dildo was up at least 10 inches, Darth Maul lifted his leg over the other end of the black dildo and placed the reverse head against his own anus. Groaning in pleasure, he began working the huge thing up his butt, the squelching sound of it passing up his muscles made his cock jut firmly upwards, stiff and hard. When it was in as deep as it could go, the Sith Lord’s ass cheeks were quivering excitedly up against Obi-Wan’s bare butt. With a wiggle of content, Darth Maul repositioned himself slightly and grasped Qui-Gon’s pink butt cheeks and pulled them apart exposing the puffy pink rectum of the Jedi Master.

Darth Maul: This is where the fun begins!

Grabbing his rigid dick with one hand, the Dark Lord aimed the head and placed it squarely against Qui-Gon’s asshole. Then he leaned forward, slowly, letting the stiff prick grate against the old man’s flesh as he pressed his cock up inside the Jedi’s ass. Qui-Gon stifled a groan of pain and tried to think of anything else. He imagined himself walking in on Obi-Wan when the lad was fucking his sister and himself and the girl’s father all joining in for a fourway family fuckfest. But the bony head of the Dark Lord’s cock grating on the sensitive tissues of this anal cavity tore loose his fantasy and he screamed in agony as he felt the tearing of his flesh and his own blood dribbling out of his ass. Qui-Gon’s cheeks flushed and trembled in pain as he felt the Dark Lord thrusting that thick cock in and out of his asshole. From behind he heard a whistle escape the lips of the Dark Lord. The Sith Lord peeked under Qui-Gon’s restraints, and Darth Maul got a good look at the Jedi Master’s flaccid cock dangling loosely over the floor.

Darth Maul: Well, my oh my. We ARE well hung, aren’t we? You must be so fucking proud.

Suddenly the Jedi Master felt a cold, clammy hand gripping his cock. The Sith Lord was giving him a reach around! Qui-Gon strained to see, but couldn’t move his head. He felt his dick getting harder and thicker. He tried to stop it, but couldn’t. The sensation of being jerked off was too much. Qui-Gon gritted his teeth as the Sith Lord began fucking him even harder.

As Darth Maul jerked his hips back and forth the dildo up his ass slid in and out of Obi-Wan’s ass. The young Padawan was close to passing out from the pain and humiliation of it all. Something kept him awake, though. He felt it was probably the power of the Dark Side and some Sith sex trick. The young Jedi was terrified and began to sob desperately.

Darth Maul had managed to bring Qui-Gon to a full erection and even had to bring his other hand around to grip the huge prick with both fists, pumping them up and down in rhythm to his own thrusting cock. He was close to cumming, but he could feel the swelling balls of the Jedi Master and knew that the old man was about to lose his load. Flicking his cock quickly in and out of Qui-Gon’s rectum, the Sith Lord took one hand away from Qui-Gon’s dick. Qui-Gon began moaning uncontrollably as he felt himself about to cum. The Sith Lord began jerking harder and harder and suddenly the Jedi Master groaned out loudly in pleasure as his sticky sperm shot out of the end of his cock in spurt after hot spurt. Moaning over and over again, Qui-Gon felt his exhausted body starting to give out. Then, he felt a last savage tear inside his ass as the Dark Lord pulled his cock free. Thinking for a moment that the worst was over, Qui-Gon was very surprised when he heard the unmistakable sound of a lightsaber being activated.

Darth Maul wiggled free of his half of the black dildo and stood up. His cock was still stiff as a board, standing straight out in front of him. He held his own lightsaber activated. The Dark Lord’s weapon consisted of two lightsaber handles duct taped together at the center, it’s double edged red blades fully extended and humming with power. Casually, he released the restraints on the Jedi Master and kicked him free of the device. Qui-Gon rolled tiredly onto the deckplates, his still swollen penis dripping with cum and becoming flaccid.

Darth Maul: You fuck well, old man. But let’s see how you fight.

Stretching his hand out toward the pile of the Jedi uniforms, he called Qui-Gon’s lightsaber into his hand and then tossed it onto the Jedi Master’s stomach. Qui-Gon tried to take several relaxing breaths, but he was still taxed after being viciously sodomized by the Sith and his own powerful orgasm. He stood shakily onto his feet and activated his lightsaber, assuming a defensive crouch. With a lunge of surprising strength and power, Darth Maul hurled himself forward, whirling his deadly lightsaber like propeller blades. Qui-Gon blocked again and again as the Sith Lord’s weapon came closer and closer. Thrusting and parrying as best he could, the Jedi Master pushed forward his own assault and brought his own lightsaber blade slicing around and down against the Dark Lord. Catching the Jedi’s attack casually, Maul turned around and dodged the sweeps of Qui-Gon’s blade and swiveling backward he spun his own weapon directly up and inside the Jedi Master’s guard. Before he knew what had happened, Qui-Gon Jinn felt a coursing heat skewer into his back and through his belly. The Jedi Master groaned out in pain, his body trembling slightly, and then, he was still.

Obi-Wan: (screaming for his fallen Master) Noooooooooooooooooo!!!

With a satisfied grunt, Darth Maul stood over the fallen Jedi Master. The penis was still plump and red and it stood up slightly in a death erection.

Darth Maul: (looking back at the still restrained Obi-Wan) Holy shit, man. That’s one huge dick! I thought it just looked big on video, figured the camera added ten inches, but fucking-A, boy. That’s a SCHLONG!

With a savage swipe of his red bladed lightsaber, the Sith Lord sliced the cock cleanly away from the corpse, the rigid member bounced onto the deck and rolled a few feet away.

Deactivating his lightsaber and tossing it to the side, Darth Maul walked back over to Obi-Wan and the Sith Lord hunkered down again behind the Jedi’s bare ass.

Darth Maul: He put up a good fight, kid, but I think he really enjoyed it, don’t you? Let’s you and me have another go, OK?

Obi-Wan screamed as the Sith Lord shoved his bony cock again up the Padawan’s asshole. Huffing and puffing, Darth Maul eagerly jammed his rigid shaft in and out, listening in delight to the sound of his slapping balls. The Dark Lord tried to reach around and jerk off the Padawan, but the young Jedi’s screams of terror and pain were just too much for Darth Maul. Within a few moments, he felt himself about to burst and with a torrential rush of steaming cum, he unloaded a hot, thick packet of sperm directly into the Padawan’s butthole. The pain was so intense, Obi-Wan was red-faced and his rasping throat was unable to produce any more sound. His eyes were puffy and red with rage and pain and his jaw quivered from the strain. Obi-Wan didn’t even feel it when the Dark Lord slid his floppy cock free. His ass was completely desensitized by the Sith’s orgasm. He could only feel his ass cheeks quivering slightly. Again, Darth Maul stood up and called his lightsaber into his hand, activating it. Stepping back he opened up Obi-Wan’s restraints and kicked the young Jedi free onto the deck. Obi-Wan laid there for a moment, a mixture of fear and rage coursing across his features. Without paying much attention, Darth Maul called Obi-Wan’s lightsaber into his hand and tossed it to the young Padawan.

Darth Maul: Sorry I wasn’t able to get you off, kid. But tell you what, after I kill you, I’ll let you keep your dick. OK?

Like a crack of lightning, the Sith Lord was moving, his lightsaber slashing out and around. Obi-Wan leapt to the side and rolled, activating his lightsaber just in time to block Darth Maul’s attack. Swinging back and forth, the two combatants circled the room, exchanging blow after blow. Several times, Darth Maul was able to gain the initiative and press the attack, but always Obi-Wan Kenobi was able to fend him off and push an assault of his own. Obviously, the Sith Lord was somewhat weakened by his orgasm and hadn’t considered the energy the young Jedi would retain, having not cum himself. Still, Darth Maul fought confidently and aggressively, leaping inside whenever he could to batter down the young Jedi’s defenses and spin away when Obi-Wan countered. It was clear soon to the Dark Lord that he would need to try a different tack if he was going to successfully strike down the young Jedi.

Darth Maul: You’re gonna miss that huge prick of your Master’s, I bet.

Slash! Block! Slash, slash! Block!

Obi-Wan: Not as much as your gonna miss talking about it when you’re dead.

Smack! Swoosh! Hack! Whack! Swipe!

Darth Maul: I gotta admit kid, I am suffering from some penis envy here.

Obi-Wan: A little late for that now, eh? I notice your tattoo is only showing a "Y" now. What a shame.

Darth Maul took a moment to glance down at his cock. It had indeed shriveled since becoming flaccid and only the bright red "Y" of the tattoo was visible. At that moment, Obi-Wan took advantage of the distraction and swiped his lightsaber around and down the center of the Sith Lord’s lightsaber handle. With a spark one blade shorted out. Maul snarled in rage and tossed the useless half of the lightsaber away and ducked down as Obi-Wan brought his lightsaber around again. Aiming a kick at the boy’s face, Darth Maul connected hard and Obi-Wan let out a gasp of air as he crumbled to the floor. The Sith Lord tore away the shreds of loose duct tape from the end of his lightsaber handle.

Darth Maul: You know. I don’t think I will kill you, Jedi. You are too much fun. I think I will keep you as a housepet.

The Sith Lord brought his foot up and kicked Obi-Wan hard in the ribs. Obi-Wan grunted in pain as he felt himself rolling over and over, and then he gasped in terror as he felt the floor disappear under him. Reaching out blindly, the young Jedi grasped into the air for a handhold as his lightsaber fell away from his grip. Clasping the edges of the deckplates, Obi-Wan swung haphazardly over the deep abyss of ventilation shaft. He struggled to get a better grip, but his sweaty palms slipped and he fell down two meters banging painfully onto a condenser box jutting out of the side of the shaft. Obi-Wan held on for his life and finally managed to stand on the thin overhanging box. He tried to climb back to the edge but he couldn’t reach it. From the edge of the shaft he heard a horrible laugh. His enemy’s head appeared over the side, looking down on him in amusement.

Darth Maul: Looks like you lost your weapon, kid. Not to worry. Here’s something to play with.

The Sith Lord then tossed the severed cock of his Master down into the shaft, aiming it right at Obi-Wan’s face. The young Jedi almost made a grab to catch it but realized he would fall to his death. Instead, he swung his head out and the cock slapped against his face and bounced. Again, Obi-Wan hurriedly bobbed his head back and forth, the loose prick finally rolling into the Jedi’s open mouth. Obi-Wan clamped his lips down tightly onto it, holding it securely in place. The Sith Lord looked down at the Padawan in amazement. Obi-Wan felt his rage building up inside himself and shot his most terrible glare back at Darth Maul, and then with a tremendous leap, Obi-Wan centered himself with the Force and flung himself up and over the Sith Lord, and at the same time he called his fallen Master’s lightsaber into his outstretched hand. Activating and attacking in the same motion, Obi-Wan Kenobi brought the glittering green blade straight down to vertically slash the naked Dark Lord down the center of his body. Then, with a dramatic twirl, the young Jedi spun around and quartered the Sith Lord with a horizontal slice through the middle of the body. With an artistic spinning swipe, Obi-Wan made a final cut, and then the four smoking sections of the Dark Lord's corpse fell
silently over the edge of the shaft and disappeared into the depths below.

Taking a step back, Obi-Wan shut off his Master’s lightsaber, and ran to Qui-Gon’s side. To his amazement, a brief spark of life remained in the old Jedi Master. In addition to the large, smoking hole in the Jedi’s stomach, there was a burnt stump on his pelvis and the Jedi Master’s balls were caked with blood and burnt flesh. With a sudden rush of tears, Obi-Wan spit the cauterized cock from his lips into his hand and tenderly tried to stick it back where it belonged.

Qui-Gon: No. It’s too late, Obi-Wan… It’s too late…

Obi-Wan: You’ll be all right, Master. We’ll get you to a Bacta tank. You’ll be OK.

Qui-Gon: No, Obi-Wan. No. It’ll never be as it was. Let me go, Obi-Wan. Let me go.

Obi-Wan shuddered in sorrow and leaned his head down against Qui-Gon’s smoldering chest. With a sigh, the old Jedi Master died.
 
 

Later, after Obi-Wan had gotten back into his clothes and had redressed his dead Master, he was met by Master Yoda and Master Mace Windu, who had traveled to Naboo to personally meet with the Queen. They were more than a bit surprised by Obi-Wan’s report.

Mace Windu: A Sith Lord? Are you sure? I don’t think the Sith could have arisen without us knowing.

Yoda: If a Sith it was, dark times ahead there will be.

Mace Windu: Where is this Dark Warrior?

Obi-Wan: Down his shaft, Master. There. But there is this.

Obi-Wan picked up the double-headed black dildo, it’s surface caked with dried blood and feces.

Master Yoda turned his nose at it and refused to touch it, but Mace Windu grasped it firmly and inspected it closely before tucking into his robes.

Obi-Wan: And this.

Stooping down the young Jedi picked up a floppy looking piece of black flesh. It had a bright red "Y" painted on it, and when Obi-Wan pulled the two ends apart, the words "You’re Fucked" appeared. Obi-Wan handed the disgusting phallus to Yoda, who sniffed it apprehensively before pocketing it.

Mace Windu: Well, obviously this Dark Warrior has power in the Dark Side of the Force and using illegal devices on top of that. That restraint device there is banned under Section 947 Sub-section 14 Paragraph C of the Republic Legal Charter. Just being caught in possession of such an item would be grounds for immediate arrest and incarceration. I’d say whoever he was, he got off easy. Now I am going to order all of this material to be confiscated and turned over to the Jedi Council immediately. Obi-Wan, I hereby confer upon you the level of Jedi Knight and I order you to go at once and fetch the boy, Anakin Skywalker. He is in the Palace throne room now interrogating two of the former Naboo prisoners.

Obi-Wan: But, Master, what of Master Qui-Gon and the Cloning Technology?

Mace Windu: We will take care of our fallen comrade, Obi-Wan Kenobi. The rest of the Council will be arriving shortly to pay their respects along with the recently elected Supreme Chancellor Palpatine. The Queen has ordered the Cloning Technology to be abandoned and the Cloning Tanks beneath the city dismantled and destroyed. We will have to try and use this opportunity to bolster support for the Jedi in the Senate. If we can get Anakin Skywalker to begin the Jedi Training under Master Yoda, he will be our ‘poster boy’ in a major advertising campaign which will increase business for us across the galaxy.

Obi-Wan: Yes, Master. However, I have an idea that may persuade the boy to join us more easily.
 
 

Anakin and Padmé stood in the throne room speaking with the two prisoners who had been released from the Security Area. Most of the other Naboo prisoners had been either starved to death or had been found brutally cut into cauterized pieces. Still, these two individuals were alive. They identified themselves as Captain Bindo Darje, and First Mate, Tandie Xieva. When they admitted that they had been the ones that had brought the two Jedi Knights to Naboo, and had piloted the ship that Anakin had shot down, the boy had taken several menacing steps forward before the Queen gently put her hand on his shoulder and stopped him. Then the two pilots had explained that they had been locked up earlier that day by one "Captain Panaka." At this, Padmé became very interested. Unfortunately, Panaka had vanished from the Palace and no one knew where he had gone.

Bindo: He said something about octuplets and handmaidens.

Padmé smiled and nodded.

Padmé: Very well. Rather than killing you both for attacking my diplomatic vessel, I will make you a deal. I will help you repair your ship and you will run an errand for me. A simple errand. I want you to go to Tatooine and track down a particular item for me and bring it back. More on that later. Oh, and while you’re at it, find that Captain Panaka and kill him for me. And any ‘handmaidens’ that you may find, bring them back to me as well. If you fail in this or try to flee, well…

Padmé smiled threateningly and nodded at Anakin.

Padmé: I’d advise you not to try and flee. Dismissed.

The two pilots bowed nervously and left the throne room. Anakin appeared somewhat surly and decided to go outside and watch the sunset.

The throne room doors opened again and several Naboo guards wheeled in a repulsor gurney. Twisted on the gurney in a sickening mess, was Jar Jar Binks.

Padmé: Eww! Yuck! Get that stinking corpse out of here!

Guard: But, Your Majesty. We found this Gungan outside the city. He is alive, but pretty beat up. It looks like he suffered a massive fall. It’s a miracle that he’s even alive!

Padmé: Well, I’ve seen enough miracles today. Take it outside and kill it.

Guard: (shrugging) Yes, Your Majesty.

The guards wheeled the repulsor gurney back out of the throne room. As they started down the hall they were met by Obi-Wan Kenobi who was completely shocked to see the Gungan again. Jar Jar’s swollen eyes opened and his head swayed slightly as he saw the young Jedi and recognized him.

Jar Jar: Yousa! Hey, yousa!

Obi-Wan tried not to laugh.

Obi-Wan: You look like shit, pal. What the fuck happened to you?

Jar Jar: (weakly) Meesa tryin’ to get back to hidden city. Gungans no answerin’ com’link. Gungans get pasted, too, eh? Bad varmin.’

The Gungan looked up weakly at the guards, who shrugged.

Guards: We combed the swamps and the lake, but found nothing. That Gungan city of Otoh Gunga was completely destroyed. Looks like all their hydrostatic bubbles collapsed. Must have been the droid army.

Jar Jar: Gungans not dyin’ wit’out a fight. Theysa warriors. Weesa had a grand army.

Obi-Wan couldn’t help it anymore. He started to laugh out loud and slapped the Gungan on the chest. Jar Jar coughed violently and started to twitch.

Obi-Wan: Oh yeah. They put up quite a fight, Jar Jar. Quite a fight. So long, Fuck-o.

The guards wheeled the Gungan away and Obi-Wan entered the throne room.
 
 

As the sun began descending over the open sea behind the Palace, Obi-Wan Kenobi met the boy Anakin Skywalker who had somehow single-handedly destroyed the Trade Federation and delivered the Queen safely back to her throne. Swallowing his pride, Obi-Wan strode forward and nodded at the boy.

Obi-Wan: How’s it going?

Anakin: OK, I guess. You and me gonna fight now, too?

Obi-Wan: No. To be honest, I’m too tired— and well, I just don’t have the heart to fight you, kid. So what is going to happen to you now?

Anakin: Well, aside from getting to bone the Queen whenever I want, I won’t have much else to do here. The Naboo Fighter Corps won’t let me join up. "Too young." Same old shit, different day. I can’t get a break, you know?

Obi-Wan: Well, the Jedi Council has extended it’s invitation to you, if you still want to be a Jedi.

Anakin: I liked that idea, when your buddy told me about it. I didn’t like them all that much, though. They really pissed me off.

Obi-Wan: I heard. I assure you, that won’t happen again. They wanted Master Yoda to train you, but I insisted that you be assigned to me.

Anakin: Really?

Obi-Wan: Yes. And they agreed. You and me, Anakin. And action, adventure, and really wild things. You’ll see.

The stars began to appear in the sky.

Anakin: All those stars. Do all of them have planets?

Obi-Wan: Most of them.

Anakin: And millions of different alien races?

Obi-Wan: At least.

Anakin: I wanna be the first one to fuck ‘em all.

Obi-Wan chuckled wryly as he patted the boy on the shoulder.

Obi-Wan: I believe you will, Anakin. I believe you will.
 
 

PS – If you are wondering what the note said that Captain Panaka scribbled before leaving Naboo, it read – "This really is the end."