STAR WHORES 2: THE EMPIRE STRIKES CRACK

or LOOKING FOR MR. GOODDARTH

Grand Moff Tarkin lounged at one end of the conference table, absent-mindedly playing with his rapidly thinning hair. Several strands came off in his hand.

"Shit." Tarkin stretched, lizard-like, and began scratching himself.

With a quiet whoosh, the door slid open and Darth Vader strode in. His rhythmic, mechanical breaths settled over the room like a cloak. Vader went to the other end of the table, sat down, and put his legs up, straining at the effort.

"Jee-zus Christ." Vader groaned deeply as he rotated his shoulder blades.

"Any luck?" Tarkin stopped scratching and glanced at Vader, who continued to stare at the ceiling, obliviously stretching his mechanical joints. Tarkin cleared his throat loudly.

"Hey, Space Cadet. Are you answering in mime or are you ignoring me?"

Vader looked over slowly. Tarkin felt a sudden tightening in his crotch.

"You're not worming your way out of this, Vader. Release me and report." The tightness quickly disappeared. Vader threw his hands in the air.

"Fuck! Her resistance to my probe is considerable. Stubborn bitch. She might as well have deflectors around her cunt. It will be some time before we can extract any information from her."

Tarkin raised one eyebrow. "A bit frigid?"

"Shit. Makes polar Hoth look like equatorial Tatooine at midday. About as moist, too."

Tarkin smiled smugly. "Well, there's Alderaanian snatch for you. Don't say I didn't warn you. The only thing tougher to pry open than their purses are their legs."

"No wonder none of our troops bother taking leave there."

Tarkin suddenly got up and straightened his uniform, adjusting his crotch. "Perhaps she might respond to an alternative form of persuasion."

Vader looked him over and laughed. "You've got to be kidding."

"What?"

"How old are you?"

Tarkin glared indignantly. "None of your business. At least I can get it up without biomechanical pumps."

"Try falling into a pit of lava, Moffy. Then see how horny you feel." Vader got up, his breaths quickening slightly.

Tarkin waved his arm. "Oh, fuck you. This bickering is pointless. With my new weapon, I could crush her in one swift stroke."

Vader walked slowly behind Tarkin and began massaging his shoulders, whispering in his ear.

"Don't be too proud of this sado-masochistic terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a 20 year old girl's innocence and self-esteem is insignificant next to the power of the Force."

Tarkin chuckled slightly. "Okay, yeah, whatever."

Vader's hands slipped off his shoulders and gently patted Tarkin's buttocks. "Moffy, you of all people should appreciate the Force after all the good times we've had."

"How much was you and how much was the Force?"

Vader batted his eyes behind his mask and gently turned his ankle. "I'm not telling."

"Just don't call me Moffy in front of her."

"It won't make any difference. Not only is she frigid, she's huge. It's like throwing a lightsaber down a space slug's throat. You'll have to fist her to get anywhere."

"Fist?" Tarkin turned around, raising his head slightly to meet Vader's gaze. "Shit, Vader, the last thing I fisted was a Mimbanite whore at a concert on Circarpous V. I was just a lieutenant, for Christ's sake."

"How'd that go?"

"Came four times. Two for each cunt."

"Well you won't get a hum out of this Organa bitch. I'd bet on it."

Tarkin rubbed his chin. "How much?"

Vader shrugged. "You're fulla shit."

"I'm fuckin' serious. 5000 credits? More?"

"That's a lot of cash. I don't want to suck you completely dry." Vader wa Vader adjusted his cuffs. "Three thousand."

"Four. I'll even throw in my new personal assistant."

Vader's breath quickened again at the thought. "That new boy? The blonde?"

"Yep. He just arrived on the station. A bit cheeky at times, but still charmingly wet behind the ears." Tarkin approached Vader, grinning slyly for emphasis. "And just about everywhere else."

"Everywhere?"

"It's like rolling in an Endorian meadow at daybreak. Except you don't have to stop all the time to shoot those little bear things."

"Done and done, Moffy." Vader extended his hand.

Tarkin shook it. "Four thousand is enough to teach you a lesson. They didn't use to call me 'Grand Muff' Tarkin for nothing, you know."

"We'll see."

Tarkin slapped his hands together, rubbing them. "Okay then. I think there's a princess in a cell somewhere needs to get fucked."

*********

Leia Organa gently applied ointment to her clitoris, wincing slightly at the sting. At her feet lay the sputtering remains of a torture robot, its round, black frame dented. Its penile attachment was twisted and crushed.

The door to the cell suddenly whooshed open. Standing in the doorway was a stormtrooper. Upon viewing Leia's display, he took a step back.

Leia batted her eyes, unabashed. Putting the ointment down, she slowly licked her finger and inserted it into her vagina. She smiled.

"Who's next?"

Vader pushed the mesmerized trooper aside and entered the room. Leia rolled her eyes.

"Darth Vader. Only you would be so bold. Ready for another round, my little Pinocchio ninja?"

Vader ignored her sarcasm. "Now, your Highness, let us discuss the location of your hidden rebel base."

"I don't know where you get your delusions, laser-balls." Leia smirked, and kicked the broken torture droid to the far end of the cell. "I was just discussing the rebels with your pain 'bot. He wasn't quite up to the challenge. His circuit got a little...shorted."

"It is useless to resist."

"Tell that to an Alderaanian girl. Resistance keeps the universe spinning."

"Where is the rebel base?"

"You were on the right track." Leia gently spread her labia, allowing an unobstructed view inside. "It's right in here. You'll just have to probe a little deeper. Don't worry, I don't have teeth."

Vader mustered his best deadpan. "No wonder, with gums like that."

Leia withdrew her fingers and threw her skirt back down over her knees. "Well aren't you just the Lord of the Pith today."

"Cut the bullshit," Vader snorted. "Someone wants to see you."

"Another Imperial limp-dick? Why not, I don't have anywhere to go just now." Leia got up and straightened her robe.

Vader reached out and twisted one of Leia's nipples viciously. She cried out.

"Ow, goddamnit!"

"This Imperial's a little better hung than most."

**********

Tarkin sat on a couch on the bridge of the Death Star combing his hair over his scalp using a pocket mirror. His red velvet bathrobe was richly embroidered with images of exploding TIE fighters. A huge viewscreen dominated one wall. It displayed Alderaan, spinning serenely before a twinkling starfield.

Vader, the trooper, and Leia emerged from a lift at the far end of the bridge and walked briskly over. Tarkin got up off the couch and pressed a button on its arm. The couch quickly unfolded into a four-poster bed. Leia scratched her head and farted.

"Governor Tarkin. I expected to find you here holding Vader's leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board."

Tarkin licked his lips. "Charming to the last." Slowly, he drew the shiny leather leash out of his breast pocket, unfurling it. "Actually I was going to use the leash on you. You don't mind, do you Vader?"

Vader shrugged. "Just wash it afterwards."

Tarkin fastened the leash around Leia's neck. "You don't know how difficult it was for me to sign the order to terminate your life. You're not bad looking, apart from the hair."

"I'm surprised you had the stones to sign the order yourself."

Tarkin sat down on the edge of the bed, crossing his legs. "Princess Leia, before your execution, I'd like you to be present for a little demonstration of this station's offensive capability."

"The more you tighten your colon, Tarkin, the more star systems will drift through your asshole like so much cosmic diarrhea."

"Not after they witness the full power of this station. In a kind of fucked-up way, you've decided which planet will be blown to hell first."

"Bullshit."

"Bulltrue." Tarkin slowly opened his robe, revealing his somewhat emaciated-looking nude form. His medium-sized penis lay against his thigh amongst a thin tangle of graying pubic hair.

Leia shuddered. "Just broadcast a picture of that. Everyone on the planet'll kill themselves."

Tarkin lifted his penis, revealing a small blinking device attached to his scrotum. "You see this? This device is hooked directly to the main laser cannon. When I come, your home planet of Alderaan goes bye-bye."

Leia's eyes widened. "No, Alderaan is a peaceful world, we have no weapons, you mustn't..."

Vader interrupted her with a loud bray of raspy laughter. "Yeah, right. They're a bunch of tree-hugging pacifists."

Leia lowered her eyes. "Well, maybe they haven't always been totally peaceful..."

"Gimme a fuckin' break," Vader chortled.

"Okay, okay, they're a bunch of assholes, I admit it. But it's home, you know." Leia shrugged. "Shit, go ahead, blow it up, I don't care. I'm telling you dick."

Tarkin smiled. "Have it your way. Now let's get mounted." Tarkin yanked violently on Leia's leash, pulling her down onto the bed. Pinning her arms behind her back and pushing her down onto her stomach, he ripped her stained white robe apart, exposing the smooth white flesh of her buttocks. Spreading them with his fingers, Tarkin coughed up a smooth rope of saliva, letting it dribble over her rectum. Leia flinched in terror.

"Wait, not in there. I don't like it in there! Anywhere else..." Leia struggled uselessly.

Tarkin leaned over close to her ear as he gently rubbed the spit into her anus with his thumb. "You'd prefer another target, a genital target, then name the system!"

Leia bit her lip, squirming at the sensation of Tarkin's long thumbnail.

"I grow tired of asking this, so it will be the last time," Tarkin hissed. "Where's the fuckin' base?"

Leia's voice trembled slightly, barely above a whisper. "Dantooine. They're on Dantooine."

"No good, Princess, we tried there. This'll hurt you a lot more than it hurts..."

"No, wait! Did I say Dantooine? I meant Mantooine, Mantooine! I get 'em confused, you know." Leia laughed sheepishly.

Tarkin paused. "Mantooine, huh?"

"Yep. That's where you'll find 'em. Mantooine. Every traitorous motherfuckin' one. Gimme a blaster, I'll kill a few for you." Leia looked over her shoulder at Tarkin, smiling hopefully.

Tarkin rubbed his chin. "You see Vader, she can be reasonable. Not such a bitch. Maybe... nah, fuck it. Alderaan is in range. I'll fire when ready." He began rubbing his penis around her rectum, trying to make it erect.

"What?!" Leia exclaimed.

"You're far too trusting. It's been too long since I cornholed an Alderaanian chick. But don't worry..." Tarkin paused, slapping his penis against her perineum, "We'll deal with your rebel friends soon enough."

Leia closed her eyes, waiting for the pain. She gritted her teeth, attempting to brace herself. A minute went by, and she felt nothing. Another minute. Leia tried to look behind her, and Tarkin slapped her sharply.

"Ow! I was just wondering what the holdup was. I'd like to get this over with."

"Shut up! I'm trying."

"Are you rimming me, or what? Don't tell me that little fleshy nub I feel is actually your prick. No wonder you have so much anger toward the universe."

"Shut up, whore!" Tarkin slapped her again, and pulled the leash taught, jerking Leia's head back. "It's Vader and that trooper over there! They are making me nervous!"

"If this is anal sex, it's not so bad." Leia laughed. "Wake me up when you're done, Moffy." Leia closed her eyes and began snoring loudly.

"I told you not to call me Moffy, Vader!" Tarkin screamed. "I'll have you fucking court-martialed for this!"

"Oh, you're just pissed off about that 4000," Vader said. "Don't worry, I'll treat your personal assistant well. I hope he's as good as you said he is. Where is he?"

Tarkin moved his hips faster, panting with the exertion. His penis still dangled lifeless as a slaughtered nerf. "My assistant is standing next to you. The stormtrooper. Go ahead and look, but you're not getting him. I can do this! I'm Grand Muff Tarkin!"

Vader looked over at the trooper, reached out, and slowly lifted off his helmet, revealing the healthy, tanned features of a blue-eyed boy. The boy blew his unkempt, sandy blonde hair out of his eyes and looked up at Vader in awe.

"What's your name, boy?"

"Luke, lord. I was just posted on the station."

"So I've heard." Vader leaned in close. "Why don't you go over there and assist your former master. He's old, you know, it's embarrassing."

"Yes, master."

"Do you like girls?"

Luke shrugged. "They're okay. I saw this one in a holomessage once. She's alright, except for the hair."

"Do you think you're up to it?"

A long, boyish grin spread out over Luke's features. "No problem. It'll be just like Beggar's Canyon back home. Just a little smellier."

With a last spasm of effort, Tarkin fainted on top of Leia, his entire body as limp as his useless organ. Leia rolled him off the bed in disgust.

"Well I wouldn't rank that in my top ten sexual experiences. That Gamorrean at Star's End had more tact." Leia sat up, pulling off the leash and casting it aside. Suddenly she noticed Luke standing in front of her, smiling lasciviously.

"Let me guess," Leia said. "You just got posted here."

"Yeah. Never had this kind of duty before." Luke pulled off his white codpiece, revealing his genitals. Leia looked them over dispassionately.

"Aren't you a little small for a stormtrooper?"

"You'll find I'm full of surprises." Luke bent over Tarkin, pulled the blinking device off his scrotum, and attached it to his own. He was already erect.

Leia lay back with a groan. "At least you've gotten that far. Okay, get on with it."

Luke entered her roughly, twisting his buttocks like a corkscrew. He began to move rhythmically, imagining he was riding tailwinds and airpockets in his T-16. Leia's vagina was somewhat spacious, but not without a certain boyish charm.

Vader looked on quietly, breathing heavily and polishing his lightsaber.

As the pleasure mounted, Luke suddenly heard a familiar voice in his mind:

Use the force, Luke.

Luke blinked. "Is that you, old man?"

Ben's voice took on a sarcastic edge. No, it's Gandhi. Who the fuck else talks to you like this?

"Well Gandhi, what do you want now?"

I can't believe you've resorted to females. I'm depressed.

"Molest somebody else's mind, why don't you?"

Leia broke in. "Who the hell are you talking to?"

"Nobody. Shut up."

Pushy little cunt, isn't she? Alderaanians are all like that. The women for sure. They're like a union.

"Leave me alone, alright? I'm trying to fuck here."

Oh yeah, looks like she's really loving it, too.

"Go to hell."

You can't just face the fact that the best fucking you'll ever get is right back in the Dune Sea with me!

"It's a big universe. I'll find something better."

No! You're alone. You're all alone. And you won't be free of that feeling of being alone until you look death right in the face. Now, I know that sounds like bullshit...

"That's 'cos it is. You had your chance, you old bastard."

Sure. Let go Luke! A more elegant weapon, for a more civilized age!

"I'm not listening. This chick's pussy is a lot tighter than your fat slack ass, you know that?"

The force will be with you always. Run, Luke, run!

"I used to call you Jabba the Butt behind your back."

Who's more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?

"Who's a fool, Knobby-One? I've got a good job, a rich master, and an Alderaanian girlfriend. That'll be a pretty rare commodity in a few seconds." Luke shut his eyes, writhing in pleasure. Ben fell silent, momentarily at a loss.

Hey, fuckface?

"What is it now?"

Do you realize that you're banging your sister?

"Whatever."

It's true.

Luke opened his eyes and looked at Leia, who now appeared to be enjoying the experience. She was smiling broadly and entwining her fingers in Luke's pubic hair. He examined her features carefully for a resemblance.

"You know what, old man?"

What, Skyfucker?

"I don't give a flying fuck at the moons of Yavin. Now get ready to feel a great fucking disturbance in the Force!"

Luke suddenly withdrew his penis and held it over Leia. The glans was nearly purple, swelling like a Gundark's bladder. Leia clutched at it with both hands, panting.

"You're all clear, kid!" she cried out breathlessly. "Now let's blow this thing and go home!" She opened her mouth and stuck out her tongue.

Luke cried out. "I'VE GOT A VERY GOOD FEELING ABOUT THIS!!"

With a spasm which racked his entire body, Luke's ejaculate exploded like a supernova over Leia's flushed face. She began swallowing it hungrily. Through the main viewport, there was a green flash and a blinding light...

*********

Vader handed a steaming cup of coffee to Luke, who gulped it eagerly. He grimaced.

"That's awful."

Vader sat down next to him on the bed. "You know, you're going to be my personal servant now."

"Yeah, I heard about the bet."

"How do you feel about it?"

"Okay I guess." Luke looked him over. "Are you like...a normal man?"

Vader chuckled. "Oh no. I'm a lot better than normal. Join me, and I'll complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to

the galaxy." Vader began rubbing the inside of Luke's thigh. "And uh, if we have a little fun in the process, who'll carp?"

"Sure, why not? But on one condition."

"Name it."

"I get to keep the girl."

Vader thought for a moment. "Alright. But she can't sleep in our room."

"Fair enough." Luke looked at the blinking panel of lights on Vader's chest. He began fingering them. "What do these do, anyway?"

"You'll find out tonight." Vader tenderly ran his other hand through Luke's hair.

Leia approached, wearing Tarkin's robe and carrying a tray with two plates on it. She smiled at them.

"Okay, who's for a little Ewok surprise?"

Vader and Luke both took the plates from her. "What's the surprise?" Vader asked.

"The surprise is that you won't vomit."

Luke took a tentative bite. Vader opened the triangular grid on his faceplate and shoveled a forkful in.

"Not bad," said Luke. "Not bad at all."

Vader made an appreciative noise. "Pretty fucking good."

Leia's smile widened. "I'm glad you like it."

In a few moments, the food had disappeared. Luke began wiping crumbs off of Vader's mask.

"I've gotta take Moffy to the infirmary," Vader said. "Have her clean up. Be waiting for me in my quarters by 0900."

"I'll be ready."

Vader got up, hoisted Tarkin's nude, unconscious body over his shoulder, and left the bridge. Leia sat down next to Luke and patted his knee. Slowly he put an arm around her, and they lay back on the bed, staring at the newly-formed Alderaanian asteroid field through the viewscreen.

"Leia?"

"What?"

"You're not pissed at me, are you? For blowing up your planet?"

"Nah. It was true what everybody said about the place. A bunch of hotheaded pricks and egomaniacal tightasses. I doubt anyone will even want to investigate. In fact..." Leia grinned devilishly, "I think it might have made it better. The sex, I mean. All those millions of voices screaming out in

terror...then being suddenly silenced." She licked her teeth erotically. "Whattya say?"

"Don't you need a little more time to recover?"

Leia laughed, rolled over on top of Luke, took out his penis, and begin licking the head in circular motions.

Leia's blue eyes glittered darkly. "I guess," she intoned, her voice slightly muffled by Luke's foreskin, "you don't know everything about women yet."