STAR WHORES 3: THE SPERM OF THE JEDI

or WOOKIES 'N CREAM

Lando peered coldly through a thickening cloud of Tibanna gas pipe smoke. He threw his multi-colored sabacc cards to the floor with a grunt of disgust.

"You slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler."

Han grinned broadly. "You stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder."

"Cum-burping, butt-smuggling, two-bit Correllian jizz- wailer."

Han dropped his cards and cracked his knuckles. "Come on, Lando. I don't want to have to sick Chewie on you. Let's see some skin."

Lando slowly stood up from the table, wearing only a tight g-string made of Calamarian leather. The rest of his clothes lay in a small pile on the floor. Also seated at the circular table were Chewbacca, Boba Fett, and IG-88, all in various states of undress. Han was the only one still fully-clothed. They were playing on an open balcony adjacent to Lando's suite, offering a magnificent view of the Cloud City Skyline at sunset.

Lando awkwardly peeled off the g-string, allowing his sizable penis to flip free and dangle in the Bespin breeze. His scrotum had shrunk to the size of a walnut. Han leaned back in his chair, stuffing his winnings into his pockets.

He smirked. "Look at you. Titty hard-ons, nuts sucked in tighter than your stomach. You look like a first-timer. Who'd have thought that, huh? Are you afraid your mom's gonna walk in?"

"It's that goddamn Wookie. He keeps sniffing my ass."

Chewbacca flexed his shoulder muscles and grunted. "Rrrrggg rowwrr, rreearrrr, raaahhhrr." (On Kashyyyk, one born so poorly hung would be left to die on the Great Mountain of Moopsac.)

Lando glared at Chewie. "What the fuck is he saying?"

Han shrugged. "Beats the shit outta me."

"He's your pet, isn't he? I thought you understood his language."

"Language? He's just a big grunting animal. I doubt he's thinking cosmic thoughts. What would we talk about, anyway?"

"Rrrghh raaaruu roooghgg rarahh." (I could have a more stimulating conversation with a mild case of Brigian crabs.)

Boba Fett, wearing only his helmet, broke in. "If he's so dumb, how come he can pilot your ship and fix it quicker than you can, Solo?"

Han lit the bud on the gas pipe and inhaled sharply. His voice took on a high pitch as he held the gas in his lungs. "Typical Skinnerian reward/punishment training." He exhaled slowly. "How did you think? Documentaries?"

"Raaa rourreh ree rahh." (Sure, fucknuts. He taught me. Shit, I'm only 165 years older than anybody else at this table.)

Han stood up. "Okay, Lando, enough stalling. You know the rules. You lost your dignity fair and square. It's time to pay the piper."

Lando's penis retracted an inch as he shuddered. "Can't I pay you guys in credits this time?"

IG-88 stood up with a mechanical whir. A staccato, synthesized southern drawl emanated from his vocoder. "Calrissian, I didn't come all the goddamn way to the asshole of space just to whack over a tech manual. My joint is almost frozen. I ain't takin' off 'til I get it off, so spread 'em, ya fuckin' asshole."

Lando reluctantly switched off the sabacc field and lay down on his stomach, draping himself over the table. "Fuckin' bounty hunters. I told you we didn't need this scum, Solo. Don't you give a rat's ass about me anymore?"

Han unzipped his pants and began massaging his penis, making it erect. "Fuck you, if I'd lost, you'd be able to fly the Falcon through your shit-eating grin.". Lando spied Chewbacca loosening his hairy cock from under his tool bag and his eyes widened in horror.

"Holy fuck," he whispered, his teeth chattering. "That's no dick. It's a space station."

"Better let him be, it's not wise to upset a wookie with wood." Han was now at half-mast.

"Fuck you, Han. Nobody worries about upsetting a Tibanna gas mine administrator who's down on his luck."

"That's 'cos Tibanna gas mine administrators don't have two-foot cocks that could blast a hole in a shield door."

Lando began sweating in terror. "I've got a bad feeling about this."

Boba Fett hissed sharply. "What if Calrissian doesn't survive? He's no good to me dead. Well...not much good, anyway."

Han bit his lip, his face reddening. "You can go before Chewie, okay? If he dies before your turn, then check in at a jump joint. Either that or make sure you can set the shower on Slave 1 to 'cold', 'cos I'm sure as shit not touchin' your greasy ass."

Lando, his eyes still locked on Chewie's member, was barely able to form words. "This deal's getting worse all the time."

Chewie chortled. "Rrrr rgaarghh reurrrarh roowarrhh." (If Mallatobuck could see me now she'd shit. A human rectum has all the resistance of wet tissue paper. Christ knows what I'll catch from this faggot. Oh, how I long for the mighty, fur-lined cunts of Kashyyyk!)

IG-88 sprayed oil on his gleaming penile attachment. "We need a battin' order, boys. If the dog goes last, who's on first?"

Han grabbed Lando's buttocks and pulled them apart, surveying his quivering anus. "I am." He spit on his fingers and lubricated his cock.

Lando groaned. "Come on, Solo. Gimme a break. What about my little maneuver at the Battle of Tanaab? Isn't that worth a reprieve?"

"Have you forgotten about your 'little maneuver' at the Orgy of Mytus VII?"

Lando rolled his eyes. "That was a long time ago, I'm sure everybody's forgotten about that by now."

Fett piped up. "Mytus VII? There's no such planet."

Han stuck his finger into Lando's ass, loosening it up. "They changed the name to Mytus VIII after the Orgy. Too much bad press."

Lando squirmed at the sensation of Solo's cold index finger. "I was... uh, just following orders."

"Rrrahhh rowrr rrerahhr reeereghar." (At least Kamarrian Howlrunners have a little fight to them. All these humans do is talk, talk, talk.)

Han positioned his cock squarely, aiming it. "Cheer up, Lando. You should be honored makin' it with a scoundrel like me. I've got the death penalty for statutory rape in twelve systems."

Suddenly, a familiar low-pitched voice burst onto the balcony. "Sure, Captain Solo. Maybe a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away." Darth Vader, followed by a retinue of stormtroopers, slid the balcony door open and stepped through, his black cape billowing menacingly.

Han spun quickly and drew his blaster, already firing. The bolts ricocheted harmlessly off Vader's outstretched hand, and Han felt an invisible force rip the gun from his grasp and pull it across the room into Vader's palm. Then another invisible force yanked his zipper up sharply, catching his erect cock. Han screamed and fell to his knees, clutching himself.

Lando sprang off the table, rubbing his ass. He smiled broadly and mussed Han's hair, laughing. "I had no choice. They arrived right before you did. Sorry, man. Whew!" He shook his head and began putting his clothes back on.

Vader handed Han's blaster to one of his stormtroopers and began collecting the credits on the sabacc table into a pocket on his cape. "I'm afraid you boys are gonna have a bit of bad luck at the table tonight... "

Lando quickly spoke up, pointing at Solo, "I was just about to report him to the authorities."

Han hissed through clenched teeth, still cradling his wounded prick. "Yeah, you're a real fuckin' hero."

Chewie leaned against the balcony railing and shook his head. "Rrrrarhhrrhh rauuurhhh roooorrgharh rrrr." (This asshole Solo certainly has a way with people. What a fuckin' mess. But this tall black one shows a little promise. Hmm...) He eyed Vader's stout, 7 foot frame admiringly.

Lando slapped his hands together, smiling. "So, who here's in the mood for a little Chinese?"

*********

A thick blast of steam filled the dimly-lit carbon freezing chamber. Vader waved the steam out of his face, sucking the last dregs of his wonton soup through a straw. He belched appreciatively. "My compliments to your Chinese cooks, Calrissian. Have them brought to my ship. They're gonna take a little star trek with me for a while."

Lando stepped forward indignantly, chewing. He dropped his fortune to the floor, unread. "Hey, man, you said the cooks would be left in the city under my supervision!"

"Perhaps you think you're being treated unfairly?"

Lando rolled his eyes. "Oh, no, you're treating me like a king. I offer you free food, you kidnap my cooks. I'm so happy!"

"Quit bitching. If not for me, you'd have that wookie's schwanz halfway up your lower G.I. right now."

"I could've dealt with that. But I like Chinese!"

Chewie, surrounded by an armed guard of several stormtroopers, barked out a laugh. "Rarrharh rheeahr!" (Sure, Calrissian, you could have dealt. And we're all gonna picnic on Alderaan next week with the Imperial Senate.)

Han, his hands bound behind his back, was led onto the carbon freezing platform. "Laugh it up, fuzzball. You're too dumb to realize that I'll be probably be hanging in Jabba's sculpture garden in a couple of days."

"Roowarrh raahahrhrr reeerrarroww." (You're breakin' my fuckin' heart. Maybe I'll drop by every few years and hose the pigeon shit off you.)

Boba Fett nudged Vader gently. "What if he doesn't survive..."

Vader brushed his hand away. "Then he'll be dead. And two plus two is four. Anything else need clearing up?"

Suddenly, Luke Skywalker burst into the chamber, tightly gripping a somewhat poorly-constructed lightsaber. "Alright, what the fuck's taking so long?"

Leia scampered in after him, wearing only a silver bra and panties. She began tugging on Luke's arm. "Come on, Luke. You're not done with your training yet."

Luke jerked his arm away roughly. "Hey, Vader, what's the story? Why wasn't I invited to this little party?"

Vader approached Luke and patted his groin gently. "The Force is with you, young Skywalker, but you're not a Jedi yet. Now get back to our cabin and wait for me."

Han, noticing Luke, piped up. "Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good Corellian cock in your mouth, kid. I expected more from you." Luke, noticing Han for the first time, pushed Vader aside and approached.

"Han, old buddy."

"How are you doin, kid?"

"Same as always."

"That bad, huh?"

Han looked over Luke's saber. "Make that yourself?"

"Yeah."

"I thought so. Back on that dustball you told me you gave up all this space samurai jive. 'Happy Forceshit' you used to call it, remember? Why the change of heart?"

"Well," Luke shrugged, motioning to Vader. "I gotta earn my keep somehow. It makes the old man happy, so I go along with it."

Han eyed Leia appreciatively.

Luke introduced Leia to Solo, "Gambler, con artist, scoundrel, you'll like him. Leia, meet Han Solo."

Han leaned forward and kissed Leia's hand. "Must admit, Your Highness, your wood factor has gone up a lot since that holomessage."

Luke ran his hand through Leia's lustrous, long hair. "Well, her hair's different, for one thing. And these," Luke grabbed one of Leia's breasts, squeezing it, "are brand new. The latest T-38's from Silica IV."

Leia gently pulled Luke's hand away. "Careful, honey, they're still kinda sensitive."

Han's gaze caressed Leia's bosom. "Well, Your Highness, I guess this is it."

"That's right." Leia began pulling Luke away from the freezing platform.

"What's going on?" Luke glared at Leia, miffed.

"What are you, blind? He's being put into carbon freeze."

"What? That's bullshit!"

"Hey, he chose his own path. Nobody chose it for him."

"He's my friend, bitch, you don't even know him!"

"Alderaanian women can tell about people. And careful who you call 'bitch.'"

Vader coughed, interrupting. "I hate to break this up, but I'd rather not be here forever. Mr. Freeze?"

"He'd better survive this," Fett grumbled.

One of the stormtroopers moved to the carbon freezing control panel. Luke immediately ignited his lightsaber. Its sickly yellow beam sputtered and flashed. He brought it down on the trooper's head, splitting it in half. Sizzling hot blood sprayed Luke's face, and the trooper flopped to the floor like a rag doll.

The other stormtroopers were already taking their aim when Vader shouted, "Wait, hold your fire! He's just a little angry, let him work it out."

Luke advanced on one of the other troopers, who pointed his blaster at him shakily. "Uh, Lord Vader?" the trooper asked urgently.

"What is it?"

"How about I just stun him?"

"No, don't interfere."

"Please, Lord?"

"Just follow orders, shitbird."

"Oh, fuc..." The troopers last words were cut short by Luke's saber, which sliced through his helmet into his neck. Luke wrenched the saber free, leaving the trooper's helmeted head dangling from his neck by a slender ribbon of flesh. The trooper began running around wildly, until he smashed against a wall and slumped in a twitching heap, spouting blood from his neck like a fountain.

Vader smiled. "Do you feel the Force, my boy?"

Luke grinned hellishly, his face red, as he dismembered the rest of the passive and sheepish-looking stormtrooper squad. "Yeah, this is fun! I feel the Force for the first time in my life! It's like having the biggest hard-on in the universe!"

"You've learned much, young one." Vader nudged Lando and motioned to Luke. "I taught him everything, you know."

Chewie shook his head as he observed the steadily growing pile of bodies. "Reearaghhr." (The last cup of Ruurian decaf I had was stronger than all these cheesedicks put together.)

When the last of the troopers was dead, Luke preened happily, nearly slipping in their viscera. He beamed at Vader.

"I want more guys! Send for more guys!"

"Game's over now, my son. Sorry, but we've gotta freeze your friend. Leia, will you...?"

Leia nodded and karate-chopped Luke lightly on the back of the neck. He fell immediately.

*********

Luke awoke to find himself held fast by IG-88. He struggled uselessly. '88 laughed.

"Give it up, farm boy. You struggle like a bitch-pup on a paper leash. Hey Vader, looks like you done hooked yourself a sow instead of a boar."

"Shut up, '88," Vader hissed.

Luke looked around. They were all still in the carbon freezing facility. "How long have I been out?"

Vader glanced at his watch "Is Han...?"

Han was sitting cross-legged on the freezing platform. "I'm still here, kid. We couldn't have you sleeping through the big dramatic scene, and the Dark Lord over there wouldn't wake you up. Tell that chick to pull her punch next time." Solo got up, groaning slightly at his stiff joints.

"I've been lifting, okay?" Leia snorted, cleaning her nails. "Suck my left one."

"Love to, your Highnessness. Hope the milk isn't as sour as your puss."

"Is that all you do? Talk?"

"Sorry, your Worship," Han grinned. "Haven't got time for anything else."

Chewie suddenly roared in frustration. "Rarearrhgharh!" (For Christ's sake, freeze the sonofabitch and let's get on with our lives!)

"Here, here." Vader motioned to Leia, who pressed a button on the freezing control. Han was slowly lowered into the freezing pit. Luke struggled uselessly against '88. He looked deeply into Han's eyes.

"I love you." A tear streamed down his face.

Han looked back at Luke, sadly shaking his head. "It was just sex, kid. There'll be another time. The Princess. You've got to...take care of her, you know? Show her who's the boss. Don't let her geld you. Every man has a lightsaber. Doesn't matter how big it is. It's how he uses it."

Leia laughed, rolling her eyes. "Okay, thanks for that Kaiburr Crystal of wisdom. Sometimes I wish I wasn't the only skirt in this saga."

"Join the club," Han grumbled. "Wonderful girl, Luke. Either I'm gonna fuck her or I'm beginning to like her.

The platform hit the bottom, and a jet of steam filled the pit. Han's eyes opened wide. "Hey, kid, this isn't so bad! You should try..." His words were cut short as the carbonite poured in.

Luke spoke bitterly as '88 released him. "Oh, man. There goes my ride."

A huge mechanical claw lifted the block of carbonite out of the pit and set it upright. A couple of Ugnaughts scurried in and tipped the block over. It landed with a huge thud.

A few parts of Han's body were protruding from the carbonite, completely uncovered, including his mouth and groin. He coughed out a few fragments of carbonite, clearing his throat.

"What the fuck? I have a feeling something went wrong."

Vader rubbed his helmet, frustrated. "Calrissian, what's the story?"

Lando threw his hands up, indignant. "I told you we don't usually use this for freezing people. We can do it again, if you want."

"No, no, no, never mind. It's embarrassing enough as it is." He glanced at Boba Fett. "Do you mind?"

"As long as he survives..."

"I'm glad you're so concerned with everyone's survival." Vader began pointing at everyone in the room. "Well look, he survived, I survived, you survived..."

"Hey, it's money, you know?"

"We oughta form a band, call ourselves 'The Survivors.'"

Hans lips moved quickly. "Come on, this sucks, let me out!"

Luke yelled at Vader. "Let him out. He's my friend."

Vader chuckled. "Oh, I don't know if he'd survive that. What do you think, Boba?"

"Fuck you."

"Fuck me?!" Vader blanched in mock horror. "Oooh, how can I survive such abuse!"

Fett flipped Vader off and left in a huff, shouting. "Just leave Solo there, I'll come back for him. Prick."

Luke approached Vader, an intense look on his face. He gripped his makeshift saber tightly. "Alright, Sugar Daddy. Let my friend out, or we're gonna have a problem."

Vader shoved him back roughly. "What are you gonna do, fuck me to death?" Vader motioned to Luke, and Luke's zipper immediately went down. His prick was pulled out of his pants by an invisible force.

Luke shook his head. "You're not gonna get me with that again. I've got you wrapped around my little finger, Darth. If I withhold sex for a day I can have you squirming on the floor eating my shit like a starving gravel-maggot."

Leia called out to Luke in a stern tone. "No, Luke, don't! Just do as he says..."

"Bullshit, Leia. You didn't see us alone in the South Passage. He expressed his true feelings for me. You've never heard such sappy horseshit in your life. He'd die without me." Luke snapped on his lightsaber and brandished it before him.

Vader reluctantly pulled out his saber and switched it on. Its powerful red beam made Luke's look pitiful in comparison. He laughed. "You've learned much, young one, but you've still got a long way to go. Look at your saber, for Christ's sake. It bends the wrong way. You don't want to fight me."

Luke smiled. "You'll find I'm full of..."

Luke's reply was immediately cut off by the sound of Vader's lightsaber slashing through the air and down across his still exposed cock. Luke screamed, dropping his saber and cradling his still-smoking stump with both hands as he fell to the deck onto his knees.

"What was that you were saying?" Vader asked, menacingly. "Formex? Boiled chak-root, maybe? Fresh bacta? What exactly are you full of?" Vader switched off his saber and clipped it to his belt, then kicked Luke's penis over to him. "You don't want to leave this lying around, you know, someone might trip."

Chewie cringed. "Raeeggarrh roooeeer rawwar." (Never thought I'd feel sorry for a human, but that's gotta smart. Damn.)

Leia shook her head. "Goddamnit. I told him. Dumb fuck."

Vader kneeled down in front of Luke. "You are beaten. It is useless to resist. Don't make me destroy you."

Luke hissed through his teeth. "Oh, no, I wouldn't want you to do anything drastic! You fucker!" He rolled on the floor in agony.

"I know you're pissed now, but it was for your own good. Someday you'll understand..."

"Understand?! When?! When it grows back?!"

"Oh, stop whining. Hey, Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father, did he?"

"He told me enough! He told me you killed him, which was bullshit, of course. Actually he got gang-fucked to death by a bunch of..."

"No... I am your father."

Luke looked up at him. "Oh, great. It's bad enough I was fucking my own sister. This makes Oedipus Rex look like 'My Three Sons.'"

"What?!" Leia yelled from the back of the room. "What was that about a sister?"

"Leia, you're my sister. Vader's our Dad."

"Sure. And Lando's our mom, I guess. That makes these Ugnaughts our half-brothers."

Lando began backing away. "This is too weird for me. Fuck this, I'm Audi 5000." Lando ran from the room, followed by the jabbering group of Ugnaughts.

IG-88 walked stiffly toward the exit, following them out. "Y'all have a lot of catchin' up to do. Adios."

Han piped up from inside the carbonite. "Is anybody here related to me? I'd like to know now, before I fuck anyone else."

Leia sat down on Han, scratching her breasts. "Don't worry, you're safe. Jesus, this is twisted."

"Looks like father and son have a lot to work out over there."

"Yeah."

"Hey Princess. Seein' as how we're not related, and this might be my last chance for a while...How'd you like a hearty breakfast of Corellian sausage with gravy?"

Leia examined Han's penis, which dangled free of the carbonite block. She flicked it lightly with her finger, weighing her options. "I don't know."

"Well Luke's out of commission for a while. And Vader's your...well, you'd be swallowing what could have been another brother or sister, you know."

Han's penis began filling with blood. Leia shrugged. "What the hell." She began flicking at it lightly with her tongue, letting it grow upward to meet her lips. Han groaned.

"You're one of those chicks with a thing for pirates, aren't you?"

Leia licked her lips, tasting Han's pre-ejaculate. "I happen to like nice men."

"I'm nice men."

"We'll see." Han's cock was fully erect now, and she took it languidly into her mouth, covering most of its length. She twisted her head from side to side, biting down slightly and gently washing it with her tongue.

"Oh, baby. It's kinda nice bein' frozen. Oh, yeah..." He gritted his teeth at the sensations.

Leia's head bobbed up and down rhythmically over his cock. With her hand she played with his balls, which were soft and pliable from the heat. Slowly, she lifted her mouth away from him and began working his cock with her hand. She slid down with her tongue and began sucking Solo's testicles. She went from one to the other, letting each pop into her mouth from the suction.

Meanwhile, Vader was running his hand through Luke's hair, trying to console him.

"Luke, you can destroy the Emperor. He has foreseen this."

"I am so sick of this shit! Everybody's always tellin' me about my destiny and what I should do. 'Be a farmer, Luke,' 'Be a Jedi, Luke,' 'Be a pirate, Luke.' 'Stay on Tatooine,' 'Go to Dagobah', 'Go to Hell.' 'Suck dick,' 'Eat pussy.' I'm sick of all you twisted old motherfuckers telling me what to do. I'm gonna choose my own destiny!"

"And exactly what are you gonna choose?"

"I don't know yet! Everything looks pretty shitty so far. But when I find something..."

"Sure, keep dreaming. Your old man's as good as you'll get, boy." Vader picked Luke's penis up off the floor and put it in his belt. He stood up and straightened his robe. "I'll be back on my ship waiting for you. But don't take too long." He left.

Leia was tracing the veins on Han's cock with her tongue, marveling at his staying power. "You're not too shabby, Corellian. Luke never lasted more than 30 seconds in my mouth."

"The kid's got a lot to learn."

Leia looked up at Chewie, who was watching dispassionately while checking himself for parasites. "Who's the walking carpet over there?"

"That's Chewbacca, my co-pilot."

"Why doesn't he join us?"

"I don't know, sister, he's a little big."

"You forget, I'm Alderaanian." She motioned to Chewie. "Here boy, come on, here boy! Mama's got something nice for you."

Chewie laughed. "Reeauurhgahh raaahh." (No respect for her elders. Aw, what the fuck. I'll give this chesty one something to regret in the morning.) He walked casually over. Leia was huddled over Han's groin, her ass in the air. Chewie hooked one curled claw under the strap of her bikini briefs and ripped them off. He surveyed her vagina, spreading it with his thumbs.

"Roooarrhh raagarr reeeoouurarrh." ('It is easier for a Rancor to pass through the eye of a needle...')

"Come on, Chewie," Han urged. "Get in there, you big furry oaf. I don't care what you smell."

Chewie lubricated his cock as best he could and inserted it, half-erect, into Leia's cunt. She gasped at the sensation.

"Jeeezus Christ! How much of you is there?"

"Reearrreeuhhgh rawarr." (You don't want to know, honey.)

Chewie began pumping his hips rhythmically, driving himself into Leia as far as he could go. Half of his cock was still outside her as it continued its merciless expansion. He leaned forward and bit Leia on the shoulder viciously. She let out a muffled cry of pain, climaxing at the same time, and momentarily forgetting about Han's cock, which was still pressed enthusiastically against her uvula. Blood began to stream from the wound in her shoulder.

Chewie withdrew his fangs and settled into an easygoing stroke, starting to enjoy the sensations of Leia's vagina (which was of course remarkably small by wookie standards.) Leia panted and moaned desperately, sweat flying from her and spattering Han's lips.

"Hey, Chewie, what the hell's going on back there?" Han's mouth turned down at the edges, frowning.

"Reearrahrhra rooooaaruaur reeeaaarrhghh." (I could develop a taste for this. Forgive me, Malla.) He continued stroking, the tension steadily mounting. Leia's eyes fluttered as she teetered on the brink of unconsciousness.

"Oh God, Oh God, Oh God..."

From the other side of the chamber, Luke watched bitterly, still using both hands to staunch the bleeding from his groin. "Boy, I hope you're all having fun over there. Never mind Luke who just got his dick cut off and carried into space by his own father. Just let him watch his only sister get fucked by a dog, no problem. He doesn't mind."

Leia screamed out, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Her panting breaths began to assume an alm. "Bingo, your Highnessness." Han said. "It won't be too much longer."

With a spasm that seemed to shake the entire floor, Chewie climaxed, expelling a thick load of semen into Leia. He roared mightily as it overflowed her cunt, squeezing out past his cock and splashing onto the floor.

Leia exhaled, exhausted. "I'm glad he's not multi-orgasmic. I can practically taste it. Remind me never to do this again." She began kissing Han's cock gratefully.

"Thank God for the average. Now let's get him out of me so I can clean up."

Han chuckled. "'Fraid not, your Worship."

"What?"

"Well, you see, a wookie's penis expands inside the vagina during intercourse. Barring an epistiotomy, there's no way we can get him out of you for at least the next 8 hours."

"You're kidding, right?"

"Nope."

Leia rubbed her forehead, exhausted. "My mother warned me there'd be days like this."

Luke glared at the three of them, muttering under his breath. "Fuck you all."

**********

In the Cloud City medical center, Two-One-Bee was putting the finishing touches on Luke's new penis. Under remote control, it hardened and softened at intervals of 30 seconds.

Luke yawned. "Is it done yet?"

"Just a moment, sir." Two-One-Bee began poking the penis with a sharp-edged prod. Luke winced.

"Ow! What the fuck is that for?"

"I don't know." Two-One-Bee withdrew the prod.

Luke got up from his bed and walked around the room, gently stroking his new organ. "Well, I'd like to test this thing out. How 'bout it, sis?"

Leia lay on her stomach in the bed next to his, her ass heavily bandaged. She frowned at him. "Very funny, Luke. This droid says I won't be able to piss without his help for a couple more weeks. Fuckin' wookie."

"I guess now you appreciate me a little more."

"Don't jump to conclusions. Solo is better than you are."

"That reminds me. You'll have to do without him for a while. I gave him to Boba Fett. They oughta be half-way to Tatooine by now."

Leia suddenly looked confused. "Wait a second. We blew up Tatooine with the Death Star, remember? Along with Akrit'tar, Ammuud, Dellalt, Orron III..."

"I meant Dantooine. Jabba the Hutt has a summer place there. I'm sure he wasn't on Tatooine when it blew."

"So you gave up your best friend just to spite me?"

"Yep. I don't give a shit. I'll make lots of friends with my new dick."

"You're becoming quite a mercenary. Do you actually care about anything, or anybody?"

"Apart from me?"

"Yeah."

"No."

"That's what I figured." Leia spat in disgust and picked up a magazine.

Luke tapped Two-One-Bee on the shoulder. "So how long can I last during sex with this thing?"

"However long you want to, sir."

"And I can make it as big as I want?"

"The synthetic skin is tested up to 15 inches."

Luke laughed. "You better get used to this hospital, Leia. Shit, I'll have half the city in here with sore asses in a week."

"Yeah, right," Leia grumbled. "Our dad might have something to say about that."

"Oh, fuck Dad. He can jerk off up there 'til his orbit decays. What did he ever do for us? He can't stop me. With my new prick I'm gonna learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi. Then nobody can fuck with me. I'll show 'em. I'll show the whole fuckin' galaxy. They won't soon forget the name Skywalker."

Luke pulled on a pair of pants. "Hey, droid, where's the elementary school in this city? Might as well start with the little ones first. Everybody'll know who their real Daddy is soon. Big Daddy Luke."

"I think you should rest for a bit longer, sir. How do you feel?"

Luke gripped his new prick tightly, caressing its flank. "Young, baby." He grinned malevolently as he strode out of the medical center. "I feel young!"