or BLUE MOVIE HARVEST
 

by Jefferson Morris
 
 
 
 
 

Bib Fortuna stood in a doorway on Dantooine, singing to himself, his pinkish head tentacles tapping a rhythm on his shoulders.
 

"I went to Chinatown...to buy some..."
 

A short, camouflaged bounty hunter with a brown helmet approached. He spoke in monotone, synthesized syllables.
 

"Are you Bib? I'm lookin' for some action.
 

Bib stopped singing and sighed. "Officer," he said, opening his robe to show that he held no concealed weapons, "I'm clean.
You gonna bust me for nothin', man?"
 

"I'm not a cop."
 

"Then why are you askin' me for action?"
 

"Because he sent me over." The bounty hunter motioned across the street to where a large wookiee was sitting on a stoop, licking itself. The wookiee looked up at them balefully, munching a mouthful of parasites.
 

Bib looked the bounty hunter over carefully. "Uh...ne Jabba no badda. Me chaude su goodie."
 

"Sorry, I can only turn the 'goodies' over to him personally.
 

Anyway, how's Han?"
 

"Who?"
 

"You know Han."
 

"No, man, I don't know nobody named Han. Go back where you came from, man, before you get hurt."
 

"You carry a blaster?"
 

Bib snarled and lashed out with one of his tentacles. "Get the fuck outta here, man. Get outta here!"
 

The bounty hunter whipped a small pistol out from under his robe and jammed it in Bib's stomach. "Suck on this." He fired, blasting Bib up against the door.
 

Bib slipped to the ground, clutching his bleeding stomach.
 

"De wanna...wanga..."
 

The bounty hunter put his weapon back in his robe. "We'll file that under 'Stupid Last Words.'" He turned to the wookiee and whistled. "Yo, Sparky. Hotwire this thing."
 

*********
 

Jabba the Hutt spat out a frog in disgust. "Bosca! Dry as grandmother's cunt!" Jabba wiped his mouth with a hand which was encrusted in brilliant gold rings. "Alright, let's see it."
 

R2D2, sitting quietly in Jabba's Rumpus Room, surrounded by a bizarre retinue of rubbery-looking creatures, snapped to attention and beamed a holographic image in front of Jabba.
 

Luke Skywalker flickered and coughed. "...fuckin' thing on yet? I thought that light was supposed to blink...Okay, ahem."
 

Luke straightened out his robes and snorted, clearing his sinuses.
 

"Greetings, exalted one. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Luke Skywalker, Jedi knight and freelance screenwriter..."
 

Jabba rolled his enormous red eyes. "Oh, great."
 

"I know you're powerful, mighty Jabba, and your frustration with hack writers must be equally powerful. I seek an audience with your greatness to pitch an idea to you..."
 

Jabba sneered. "Christ, nobody's been stupid enough to pitch since the Clone Wars. Did this kid grow up on a farm?"
 

"...with your wisdom, box-office savvy, and directorial experience, I'm sure we can work out an arrangement which will be mutually beneficial, and allow us to avoid any unpleasant confrontations. As a token of my goodwill, I'm going to eat this plate of crap." Luke reached behind his robe and produced a plate of feces with a spoon stuck in it. "I hope this will demonstrate my willingness to go to almost any length to work with an artist as remarkable as yourself." Luke shoveled a heaping spoonful of shit into his mouth and swallowed quickly, grinning.
 

Jabba laughed, and the rest of his courtiers joined in. "The old Jedi shit-eating trick. Well he'll have to eat a lot worse than that to get a break in this sector." Jabba waved his hand and R2 obediently stopped projecting the message. "Get this droid out of here and mount a camera on him." A couple of Gamorrean guards dutifully hauled R2 away.
 

The room fell under a hush as the bounty hunter, leading the wookiee on a leash, entered the throne room. He cleared his throat and addressed Jabba. "Herr Direktor, I've got a nice deal for you--Chewbacca. Good condition. Beautiful coat. Nothing beats the look and feel of real fur." He ran his hand through Chewbacca's pelt, making it catch the light. "Very healthy. What's your offer?"
 

Jabba smiled broadly, green saliva spilling out of both corners of his mouth. "Bo Shuda."
 

Bo, a gaunt-looking man in a green robe, approached immediately. "Yes, your grace."
 

"Translate for me."
 

"But he's speaking English."
 

"What's 'English?' Just do what I say."
 

"Very well, Lord." Bo turned to the bounty hunter. "Okay,
 

Mr..."
 

"Boushh."
 

"What?"
 

"Boushh."
 

"Whatever. Jabba will gladly pay you the reward of 25,000."
 

"As long as he pays it twice."
 

Bo turned to Jabba. "50,000. No less."
 

Jabba smirked. "Why the fuck should I pay 50,000 for that moth-eaten hound?"
 

Boushh paused. "Oh, I don't know." He pulled a thermal detonator out from under his robe, then blanched in mock surprise.
 

"Oh, wow! I've been looking everywhere for this."
 

Jabba laughed. "This bounty hunter is my kind of scum, strapped and emotionally volatile. How about 35?"
 

Boushh thought for a moment. "Okay. But that's a friend price." He put the detonator back in his pocket. "Zebus."
 

Jabba attempted to clap his hands, but couldn't quite get them to meet. "Guards! Take this wookiee to the make-up department. Shave him, we can use the hair for wigs."
 

With the tension in the room released, Boushh began mingling awkwardly with the courtiers, most of whom were stoned. Some had strangely unarticulated faces which allowed them no capacity for speech. He made his way to a corner.
 

"Man, this whole place smells of latex."
 

Boba Fett approached tentatively, holding a couple of drinks in his hand. He held one out to Boushh. "Have one, they're pretty good. Make sure you eat the worm."
 

Boushh held the glass up to the light. "What's in this?"
 

Boba shrugged. "A little JD, a little SoCo, a little Squood. Apart from that, only what you take with you." Boba handed Boushh a straw. "I haven't seen you around. I'm Boba."
 

"Boushh."
 

"Yeah, I heard. You're Ubese, aren't you?
 

"Uh, I guess."
 

"That's great. So..." Boba scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. "Do you like to uh...have fun?"
 

Boushh sighed. "I don't know. Fun usually doesn't turn me on."
 

"Well it does me. I love fun."
 

"That's not uncommon."
 

"I always have. Ever since I was a kid." Boba laughed sheepishly.
 

"That's great." Boushh sipped his drink and tried to think of a way to bow out gracefully. "Uh...I have to piss."
 

"Go right ahead."
 

"Where's the toilet?"
 

Boba laughed. "Hell, you're in it. Didn't you see the drains in the floor? We're a very open community here." He reached into his pants, pulled out his cock, and began urinating in front of Boushh. "See? Nobody freaks. Go ahead, whip it out."
 

"Ah...maybe later. Excuse me, I have to...walk to the other side of the room." Boushh handed his drink back to Boba and began slipping away.
 

Boba flicked his cock twice and zipped up. "Yeah, well I guess I'll see you around."
 

Lurking in the shadows at one corner of the room, Lando Calrissian slowly pulled down part of his facemask, taking a better look at Boushh, who was now cornered by a throng of jawas.
 

Boba noticed him and strode over. "Hey, Calrissian! What the hell are you lookin' at? Quit fuckin' around and get back to work."
 

Lando spat. "I ain't buck-dancin' for your ass. You're not my boss."
 

"You'll buck-dance when I say so. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't even have this job."
 

Lando sighed and pushed his mask back up. "Oh that's right, I never thanked you did I? Thank you ever so fucking much."
 

"That's enough lip, boy. If I hadn't taken you here, you'd have still been on Cloud City when that little...accident happened."
 

"They told me they fixed the antigrav supports. I trusted them. It's not my fault."
 

"Tell that to the schmucks who were unlucky enough to be residents when Cloud City became Falling-through-the-Clouds City, then Splashing City, then Laying-at-the-Bottom-of-the-Fuckin'-Ocean City."
 

Lando put his hand to his chest. "My heart is breaking. It wasn't my fault anyway, it was that Skywalker. He took over the station and fucked everything up."
 

"That's it, blame somebody else." Boba sniffed the air.
 

"Hey, the shit smell in here is so thick I can almost see it. Why don't you find yourself a mop and fulfill your potential?"
 

"Why don't you kiss my black ass?"
 

*********
 

Carefully stepping amongst the sleeping courtiers, Boushh made his way across the room to the far wall. In the wall was an archway, and above the archway, a sign: CARBONITE SCULPTURE GARDEN.
 

He quietly stepped through.
 

The walls were lined with frozen forms in various unusual contortions. Stormtroopers, Bloodsniffers, Greenies, Digworms, Snaggletooths, Wookiees, Sauropteroids, Pterosaurs, and other humanoids, many of them engaged in sadomasochistic sex acts, were arranged everywhere. The figures bore unusual titles: 'Stepping in Badure', 'Queernica', 'Star Wars.'
 

Boushh shook his head and muttered to himself. "Great. How the hell am I supposed to find him?" In one corner of the gallery, he came upon a human-looking figure, stuck in a position vaguely similar to the one Han was in when he was frozen. It even had a sizable erection. It's features weren't visible, as if too much carbonite had been used. The title: 'Performance Pressure II.'
 

Boushh shrugged and hit a switch located on the base of the figure. "Here goes nothing." The figure began to glow and a humming sound began to emanate from it. The carbonite melted off the penis first, which slowly drooped as it was freed. When all the carbonite was gone, a nude man with dark hair fell out onto the floor. Boushh dragged the shivering man into the light to get a better look at him.
 

"Fuck," Boushh muttered. It wasn't Han. The man had fairly nondescript features, with a black moustache. His only outstanding asset was his penis, which even flaccid was a good 7 inches long.
 

He coughed and reached out blindly, feeling Boushh's helmet.
 

Boushh pushed his hands away, annoyed. "Jesus, man. Relax. You're free of the carbonite. You have hibernation sickness."
 

"I can't see."
 

"Well that must suck."
 

"Where am I?"
 

"Jabba's sculpture garden. Dantooine."
 

"Who are you?"
 

"Someone who was lookin' for someone else. I'm sorry to wake you up and everything. I've gotta be discreet, you understand. I'm gonna have to refreeze you."
 

The man shuddered. "No! No, wait, I'll do anything, man. I'll suck your cock, I'll drink your piss, anything! But don't freeze me again." The man found Boushh's hand and shook it vigorously. "Nice to meet you. My name's Peter. My friends call me Biggs."
 

"Why do they call you that?"
 

"Am I wearing pants?"
 

"Oh, yeah. 'Biggs,' huh? How did you get in here?"
 

"I was working here. I'd just quit the Academy, and I needed a job. I figured with my dick I could make it in pornos, so I came here and auditioned for Jabba. He cast me and everything. But I couldn't get it up on the set. I don't know why, it never happened before. Anyway, they had to get another actor at the last minute. Jabba got so pissed that he, uh...well, here I am."
 

"Yeah. Well, Biggs, it was real nice talkin' to you, but I've gotta put you back in the fridge..."
 

"No, no, wait! Have a heart man, I feel like I've been up there forever. Have you got a cigarette?"
 

Boushh sighed. "I guess. Unfiltered?"
 

"I wouldn't have it any other way."
 

Boushh fumbled in his pocket and produced a cigarette and a Zippo. He stuck the cigarette between Biggs' lips and lit it.
 

Biggs took a long drag, then coughed. "Oh, man. That is so good. Can you believe people ever thought these were bad for you?
 

So anyway, who were you looking for?"
 

"Uh...I'm sure you don't know him."
 

"I know lots of people. Try me."
 

"Han Solo."
 

"Oh yeah. I remember him. Good old Han."
 

"You're just saying that, aren't you?"
 

"Well I don't really know him. Last I saw Jabba had him chained up."
 

"When was that?"
 

"The day I was frozen. Must've been years ago. The stardate was 7504.2."
 

Boushh glanced at his watch. "That was the day before yesterday."
 

Biggs coughed loudly. "No shit? Goddamn, it seemed like longer."
 

"How far away is Han? Will it take us long to get there?"
 

"You must have walked right by him. My luck, huh? And you could have unfrozen anybody, but you unfroze me. Do you believe in fate?"
 

Boushh took out his blaster, cocked it, and pressed it up against Biggs' ear. "Recognize this sound?"
 

"Yeah."
 

"Then tell me where he is."
 

*********
 

Boushh made his way back through the rumpus room, scanning the area. He spotted a small alcove set into the wall. Behind him, Biggs was following and whispering.
 

"I mean, there must be dozens of guys frozen in there, but out of all of them..."
 

Boushh turned and glared at him. "I thought you were blind."
 

"Well, hibernation sickness isn't so bad when you've only been frozen for a couple days."
 

Boushh looked into the alcove. Sure enough, Han Solo was lying in it, asleep. He seemed healthy, if a bit oddly dressed. He wore a two-piece dancing girl's outfit. His face was heavily made up, and he appeared to be wearing some kind of female wig.
 

Biggs snickered. "Man, that must be humiliating. I guess I didn't have it so bad."
 

"Shut up!" Boushh hissed as he knelt over Han. He shook him gently.
 

Han's eyes flickered, and he pushed Boushh away, half-asleep.
 

"Go away. I'm exhausted."
 

"Han, it's me."
 

"Well that really narrows it down."
 

"Someone who loves you."
 

"Jabba, I told you, I'm tired."
 

"I'm not Jabba, goddamnit."
 

Han opened his eyes a little wider, rolling over. "Luke?"
 

"No!" Boushh pulled off his helmet, revealing himself to be...Leia! Goddamn, what a surprise. She shook her long dark hair free, letting it spill over her shoulders. "I've come to rescue you."
 

Han blinked. "Who the fuck are you?"
 

She frowned. "I'm Leia."
 

"You're what?"
 

"Leia Organa, princess of the asteroid belt formerly known as Alderaan. I went down on you on Cloud City, remember?"
 

Han rubbed the scar on his chin, thinking. "Hmmm...Oh, yeah. That brunette number with the tits. Yeah, I remember you now.
 

Uh...How's it goin'?"
 

"I missed you." Leia's eyes glittered seductively. "I mean I really, really missed you."
 

"Look, your worship, I don't know what you think we had, but...well, I mean, you give good head and everything, but...You know, I'm a smuggler. A smuggler has a certain lifestyle. I travel a lot. I meet a lot of different life forms. I need...latitude, you know? Latitude. I'm not the kind of guy to restrict myself to...you know, one particular..." Han sighed, and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "Anyway, it's uh...nice to see you."
 

"It's nice to see you." Leia was already taking off her cumbersome Boushh outfit. She pulled her robes off and began unzipping the front of her jumpsuit. Freeing her breasts from the fabric, she presented them to Han. "Why don't we get reacquainted? I've been waiting for so long. Other men, you know...I thought we really had something. I haven't...felt like that with any other guy. And I've been with plenty of other guys. Believe me. Legions. All over the galaxy. I mean, if you laid their dicks end to end..." Leia smiled sheepishly. "I'm rambling, sorry." She unlatched Han's codpiece and pulled it off. She gripped his penis tightly, working it up and down.
 

Han found himself hardening rather quickly. "Well, your worship, I guess it's the least I can do." Pulling himself up to his knees, he helped Leia out of the rest of her clothes. She still clasped him tightly in her hand. When she had disrobed completely, she leaned over and hungrily took him into her mouth, closing her eyes. She moaned contentedly.
 

Han caught his breath and tried to relax. Then he noticed Biggs, who was staring unashamedly at them. "Hey, Limpy. Didn't expect to see you out and about."
 

Biggs blushed, remembering his 'failure at the cave.' "At least I'm not anybody's bitch," he retorted.
 

"Would you excuse me, I'm trying to receive a blowjob here."
 

Han gently stroked Leia's hair. She was so absorbed in the act she didn't even notice their conversation.
 

Biggs shook his head. "She could probably fit you between the gap in her teeth."
 

Han laughed. "Well yours is elastic enough to fit just about anywhere. You know there are doctors who can treat that."
 

"If the mood's right, I can fuck a chick six ways to Saheelindeel. My problem was just a one time thing. I've got paternity suits in twelve systems. I can make a girl come faster than a souped-up hyperdrive."
 

"Even an Alderaanian?"
 

"Alderaanian, Schmalderaanian."
 

"Oh, really?"
 

"I'd bet on it."
 

"How much."
 

Biggs shrugged. "How much you got?"
 

Han smirked. "With the tips I make in this place? Can you cover a man's wager? 3000?"
 

"I'm good for it."
 

"Then be my fucking guest." Han took Leia firmly by the shoulders. "Hey, uh...it's Leia, right? Limpy here would like a go."
 

Leia glanced around at Biggs. "Him? It's an accident he's even here." Biggs was already down on his knees, rubbing his prick.
 

"Do it for me, huh? I'll stick with you, I promise." Han flashed his most disarming grin and pinched her cheek.
 

"Will you finish what you begin?"
 

Han laughed. "Hey. It's me."
 

Leia sighed. "Alright." She turned around. Biggs was already on top of her, rolling her over onto her back. Leia resisted slightly. "Whoa, slow down. Do you have money on this or something?"
 

Biggs began licking the inside of her thigh. Moving over to her mons pubis, he nuzzled the hair with his nose, then began flicking lightly at Leia's clitoris, which was already engorged. Taking it between his teeth, he twisted his head in a circular motion.
 

Leia moaned. "Hey, you're pretty good at this. Maybe it was fate." While still chewing her clitoris softly, Biggs inserted a finger into her vagina. Leia closed her eyes. "Oh, index finger, where have you been all my life?"
 

Han piped up. "Come on, don't get all mushy on him, Princess. Proof's in the pudding. Is he set yet?"
 

Leia looked down at Biggs prick. "Oh yeah, he's almost ready." Biggs grinned and put his middle finger into her, then his ring, then his pinky. Soon all five fingers were plunging in and out. Leia began squirming ecstatically.
 

"Oh, yes...Yes!"
 

Biggs spat out Leia's clit and smiled at Han. "See that, Solo? And I'm not even wearing my academy ring. There's a word for this--technique."
 

Han rolled his eyes. "That's not technique. It's overkill. Stuff ten fingers in there, why don't you? Stick your foot in.
Shit, give a Corellian a blade of grass..."
 

"Well I don't have any grass," Biggs drawled, removing his hand, "but I got a few nuts that are ready for planting." Aiming his prick, which was a full 13 inches long by now, he gently forced it inside. Leia's labia was stretched to the limit.
 

She gasped. "Thank the maker!" She got up onto her elbows, watching Biggs do his work, gaping at the size of his prick as it periodically disappeared inside her. "Fate. Definitely fate."
 

Biggs quickened his stroke at a geometric rate, rocking Leia back and forth and banging her head against the back wall. Her eyes rolled up into the back of her head and saliva began to spill from the corners of her mouth. Biggs cock was nearly purple, and Leia's secretions were forming a small pool underneath them. She moaned louder.
 

"Yes. No. Yes! No! Yes!!"
 

Biggs quickly covered her mouth. "Careful, honey. You'll wake the neighbors."
 

Leia yanked his hand away, hyperventilating. "No!! Yes!! No!!! YES!!! CHRIST, NO!!! OH FUCK YEAH!!!!" Leia's entire body spasmed as she experienced the most shattering climax of her life. Her eyes fluttered and she fell back, unconscious, her entire body drenched in sweat. As Biggs continued pumping away, he picked up Leia's limp wrist and looked at her watch. "78 seconds. Ready to concede, Solo?"
 

Han looked on impassively. "That'll be the day."
 

After a few more quick strokes, Biggs had an orgasm of his own, quietly ejaculating into Leia. He withdrew himself and patted his prick. "Knew you wouldn't let me down."
 

An unidentified voice called out from across the room. "Cut! Impressive." The lights in the room came up, revealing the courtiers, who had apparently all been feigning sleep. A curtain in the back of the room parted, revealing Jabba, sitting quietly on his dais, holding a megaphone. "Most impressive. I guess your skills were complete, Biggs."
 

Han rubbed the back of his neck. "Great." R2D2 wheeled his way out of the shadows, a large camera mounted on his head.
 

Jabba motioned to R2. "Did you get all that?" R2 bleeped an affirmative.
 

Biggs pulled himself to his feet. "Uh...Your excellency? Did you like my performance? Really?"
 

"Very professional. Too bad you couldn't manage it a few days ago."
 

"But I'm cured now. Send me out! Give me a lead!"
 

"Oh, really?" Jabba snapped his fingers. R2 hit Biggs' groin with a spotlight and began filming again. Biggs bit his lip and smiled awkwardly. His penis began to shrivel immediately, decreasing in size until it was no bigger than a walnut.
 

"Umm...Uh, it's just...uh, well, I just had an orgasm. Gimme a break."
 

"I already did, and you blew it. Guards!" Two Gamorreans took hold of Biggs and began dragging him away while Jabba laughed.
 

"Hey, it's cool, Biggs. We'll do lunch sometime."
 

Jabba turned his attention to Leia, who was still out like a light. "Hmmm...I like her dedication. Nice tits. And the bounty hunter thing was clever. We'll film a little more with her tomorrow. Take her to central casting."
 

Lando emerged from the shadows and began dragging Leia out by one foot. She left a long smear of sweat on the floor.
 

Han noticed him as he passed by. "Lando?"
 

Lando avoided his gaze. "Uh, no."
 

Han pulled off Lando's helmet and held him under a light.
 

"Lando!"
 

"I'm not Lando."
 

"Of course you are."
 

"No I'm not. Lando is...somebody else I've never met and haven't even heard about and who definitely isn't me."
 

"Why didn't you tell me you were here? Look at you, a responsible janitor. Who'd have thought that, huh?"
 

"It's been nice talking to you, but I've never met you and don't know what you're talking about." Lando pulled himself free and dragged Leia out of the room.
 

Jabba looked at Han and laughed. "You certainly have a way with people. Now come over here. We're gonna play 'Where's froggy?'"
 

Han shuddered. "Do I have to?"
 

"I'm afraid so."
 

Han approached the dais tentatively. "Can't I just give you my tips from last week? You're throwing away a fortune here, don't be a fool."
 

Jabba smiled as Bo Shuda gently tied a large blindfold over his eyes. He quivered with excitement. "Where's the froggy? Where is my froggy?"
 

Han sighed, then reached into Jabba's frog bowl. He picked out a particularly plump specimen, then took a roll of duct tape which was lying next to the bowl and began wrapping tape around the frog. He recited his usual lines listlessly. "The froggy's coming home, Jabba."
 

"More feeling, Solo! Where's froggy?"
 

Han put a little more pep in his voice. "Froggy's coming. Froggy's coming back home." He began rubbing the terrified frog's genitals under Jabba's nose. "Is this froggy's house?"
 

Jabba sniffed. "Froggy's not home yet. Where's froggy?"
 

Han rubbed the frog under one of Jabba's armpits. "Is this froggy's house?"
 

"Froggy's not home yet. Where's froggy?!"
 

He rubbed it in Jabba's left ear, then his right. "Is this froggy's house? Froggy can't find his house."
 

Jabba bounced up and down, whining like a child. "Froggy's not home yet. Come home, froggy!"
 

Han stuffed the frog between Jabba's slavering lips. "Is this froggy's house?"
 

Jabba rolled the frog in his mouth, then spat it back at Solo, who caught it deftly. "Froggy's not home yet! Froggy!" Jabba began to cry, then slowly rolled his enormous bulk over, revealing the toilet which was built into the dais. An overpowering stench was released. Some of the courtiers fainted.
 

Han breathed carefully through his mouth. "Could froggy's house be down here?"
 

"Come home, Froggy!"
 

Searching through rolls of fat, Han found Jabba's anus. He rubbed the frog around the rim. "Could this be froggy's house?"
 

Jabba clapped his hands. "FROGGY!!"
 

Han braced himself and plunged the frog deep into Jabba's ass. When it was firmly in place, he pulled his arm out immediately, holding it away from himself. The courtiers cheered and began chanting: "FROGGY...FROGGY...FROGGY..."
 

Jabba rolled back over and began squirming. "Froggy's home! Froggy's home!" As the doomed frog wriggled and burrowed, Jabba let out a sigh of pleasure.
 

Han picked a garden hose up off the floor and began hosing off his arm. "I've had so many bad feelings about that."
 

*********
 

Leia slowly regained consciousness to find herself gripped firmly by a Gamorrean guard, who was drooling on her shoulder. She scowled in disgust and struggled, but the guard's rubbery arms held her fast. She was still nude.
 

EV-9D9, the spindly robotic head of central casting, stood casually in front of Leia, hands on hips. Her voice was strangely metallic and Mulgrew-esque. "Ah. A new acquisition. You are Alderaanian, are you not?"
 

Leia casually spat in 9D9's face. "Go fuck yourself."
 

The collected minions laughed knowingly. 9D9 smirked (somehow). "Asked and answered. How many sexual positions do you know?"
 

Leia struggled to remain casual. "Listen, sister, I've been from one end of the galaxy to another, I've had a lot of strange nights. I've got more bites on my ass than you've got on your hard drive."
 

"Good. We've been in need of a new actress since the Master got angry with the last one and disintegrated her. She kept asking for her motivation. Will you be looking for motivation?"
 

"No one's ever accused me of having a bad motivator."
 

"You're a feisty one, but you'll soon learn some respect."
 

"I don't know," Leia muttered, "my learning curve ain't so great, respect-wise. Especially when I'm talkin' to a dressed-up Speak-And-Spell with delusions of grandeur."
 

"What are you rebelling against?"
 

"Whattya got?"
 

9D9 rubbed her chin. "We have need of you on the set in 2 hours. The Maestro is shooting a major scene for his new film, and believes you'll do nicely.
 

"Shit. Tell him I'll be in my trailer." With that, Leia brought her knee up into the Gamorrean's groin. It slipped to the floor, but its facial expression remained static. Leia then grabbed it by the horns and attempted to knee it in the face, but in so doing she inadvertently pulled its head off. The head was only a mask. A sweating man was revealed underneath. He heaved a sigh of relief.
 

"Oh, thank God. Somebody tell Jabba we need more airholes."
 

Leia shook her head, dumbfounded, and 9D9 took the opportunity to take her by the arms.
 

9D9 hissed in her ear. "You silly cunt. Now we'll have to fit you with a restraining bolt." From across the room, R2D2 wheeled over. A hatch on his torso opened, and a long, vicious-looking prod extended. "You see," 9D9 purred, "it enters through the introitus, and imbeds itself in the uterine lining. This has the effect of rendering the victim extremely susceptible to...direction."
 

Leia tried to conceal her fear. "Go ahead. I've had worse."
 

"I sincerely doubt that."
 

R2 slowly inserted the probe into Leia's vagina. She gritted her teeth, pretending to enjoy it. "Oh...yeah. Feels good. Mmmm...Give it all to me." When the bolt was in the right position, it locked itself in place with an audible snap. Leia's eyes bulged, but she kept her cool. She winked at R2. "You were wonderful."
 

*********
 

Biggs found himself unceremoniously hurled into a dank prison cell. The door was shut and bolted. He ran to the door and shouted at the departing guard.
 

"Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck your mother!"
 

He sat down in a puddle and began listlessly playing with himself. "They called me an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal."
 

From a corner of the room, he heard a strange growling.
 

"Great. They put me in the zoo."
 

Chewbacca stepped out the shadows. He had been completely shaved. His wrinkled skin was bunched awkwardly. "Raarrghh ruuurr reeaaghh." (Wonderful. I get to do time with one of these pink-faced assholes.)
 

Biggs blinked at the hairless wookiee. "You're one ugly motherfucker. What did they get you for?"
 

"Raaeerr rowwr raaararggh." (16 wigs, 25 mustaches, and a toupee for Ishi Tib.)
 

Biggs sighed. "Christ. You're just a dumb brute."
 

"Reearr roorg. Reeeaar rooaaagh ragah." (Watch your ass. Hey, do you have any copper on you? I've spent all day building a primitive subspace transmitter out of bits of hair and bone I found in the cell. It might be able to get us out of here.) Chewie picked up the half-completed transmitter, which utilized a jawa skull as the main housing. "Reeaarag rooowar roogarrh..." (I made the hair conductive with my saliva, and I've been experimenting with static electricity as a power source. This jawa's tympanic membrane was still intact, and I think I might be able to...)
 

Biggs took the transmitter and threw it against the wall, breaking it. "I haven't got time to fuck around with your chew toys. I've got to figure out a way of getting us out of here."
 

Biggs rubbed his chin. "Hmmm. Maybe if I yell at the guard long enough, he'll crack."
 

Biggs got up and walked to the door. "Hey, guard! Let us out! Let us out! Let us out! Let us out!"
 

The guard yelled back. "Shut up, humanoid scum!"
 

"I won't stop yelling until you let us out! Let us out! Let us out! Let us out!"
 

"Fuck you!"
 

Chewie picked the transmitter parts off the floor and scratched the back of his neck. He looked Biggs over carefully.
 

"Raaraggh reeearr ruuurr." (Perhaps I could use this human's tailbone as a pick-ax and dig my way out.)
 

Biggs continued to plead with the guard. "Come on, man! Let us out! Let us out!"
 

"I'm not listening!"
 

*********
 

"'Blue Harvest,' scene four, take one." Bo Shuda snapped his clipboard and scampered out of frame.
 

Jabba raised his megaphone. "Smoke!" Smoke machines began to thicken the atmosphere. "And...hot lovin' action!"
 

R2's camera started rolling. In the center of the set was a plush canopied bed. Leia was lying on it, her arms tied to the bedposts. R2 tracked in on her vulva, getting a closeup.
 

The extras began snickering. One yelled out: "Don't get too close! The humidity'll ruin the film!"
 

Leia retorted. "If you can't stand the heat, don't stick your head in the oven, laser-brains!"
 

Jabba blared through his megaphone. "Quiet on the goddamn set!"
 

In one corner, out of shot, Boba Fett nudged Lando, who was holding a microphone boom.
 

"Calrissian."
 

"Shut up."
 

"What happened to that bounty hunter, Boushh?"
 

"Look man, we don't have a looping facility here. I've got to get the sound on set. Now quit fuckin' with me." Lando tried to ignore him.
 

"I sure did like that Boushh. Seemed like a nice person."
 

"There is no Boushh."
 

"What?"
 

"There is no Boushh, asshole. It was Leia in a get-up."
 

"What? You mean that chick with the tits?"
 

"Where the fuck have you been?"
 

Boba shook his head. "No way. He must have gone somewhere. No way that could have been her."
 

"Look over there, man. There's the outfit." Lando pointed to Salacious Crumb, who was sitting next to Jabba, wearing Boushh's robes. "See?"
 

"No, it's impossible. I don't believe you. He's gotta be around here somewhere. Sure did like him." Boba wandered off, muttering to himself.
 

As Leia lay helpless on the bed, Ree-Yees approached, saliva dripping from his mouth. His 3 eyes gaped in disbelief at her vagina. When Leia caught sight of him, she yelled out. "Wait wait wait! Cut, cut, cut! This is a fuckin' joke right?"
 

Jabba threw his megaphone to the floor in frustration. "How many more takes are you going to ruin? Why don't you tell me now so I'll know when to start rolling."
 

"What hell is this?" Leia pointed to Ree-Yees with her foot.
 

"That's Ree-Yees."
 

"And he's supposed to play the part of 'Bruce'? Who's the casting director for this fiasco?" Leia struggled against her bonds.
 

"I cast him myself. He has a certain magnetism."
 

Ree-Yees continued drooling over Leia, his lower lip fluttering.
 

Leia continued to wriggle. "And I'm supposed to fuck him? No way, release me."
 

Jabba laughed. "Even if I released you from the bed, I ain't releasing you from your contract. If I want you to boff my friends, you'll boff my friends. What is this, a fuckin' new experience? It's part of the business."
 

"I'm not in the business. I am the business."
 

"That's right, and for the next 10 minutes, Ree gets to do his business. Now shut up. Don't make me turn on the restraining bolt."
 

Leia shuddered. "Okay, okay. But I want more profit points."
 

Jabba picked his microphone back up. "Camera...Action!"
 

Ree-Yees lay down over Leia, his head at her groin. He spoke haltingly, trying to remember his lines.
 

"Uh...I'm sure glad we escaped from those...lesbian bikers."
 

Leia cleared her throat and attempted a southern accent. "So am I, Bruce. Don't you ever try to fuck one of those girls. Their vaginal grips can cave in lead pipes."
 

"I sure wouldn't...Ruthie Lee. Now who tied you up like this, all bare-buck naked...like you're waitin' for the Worm?"
 

"I did. And I am waitin.' Just how long do I have to wait, Brucie? Send that old worm on in."
 

"That I will." Ree extended its tongue, which was the size of a giraffe's, and began licking Leia's clitoris. R2 wheeled in for a close up.
 

"Oh, Bruce, you wave that old tongue like a maestro's baton. Like you're conductin' a big old symphony in my little girl guts."
 

With her face safely off camera, Leia made a gagging expression.
 

He stopped for a moment. "And, uh...this is just the first movement." He pulled out a jar of honey, and began dribbling it over his central eye stalk. When it was fully lubricated, he closed his eyelid and slowly pushed the stalk into Leia's vagina.
 

She gritted her teeth in disgust. "Why, Bruce...What are you lookin' for?"
 

Ree began his rhythm, thrusting the eye stalk in and out, while the other two eyes stared at Leia. "Little critters like to keep house in places like this. Man can't be too careful."
 

"Aw, shucks now." Leia began to feel nauseated, looking at the black eyes staring at her. She fumbled with her lines. "But what...what if my daddy comes in?"
 

"Well...I suppose I'd fuck him too."
 

"Oh, Bruce...That's so...romantic."
 

As Ree's movements quickened, Leia realized that she couldn't take it anymore. This was the worst dialogue she'd ever had to recite in a hard-core pornographic film. With a grunt of exertion, she scissored her legs around Ree-Yee's neck, pulling his stalk free of her vulva.
 

He blinked his dripping eye repeatedly, in pain. "Hey...I lost my contact in there...And this isn't in the script."
 

Leia glowered coldly. "Rewrite." With that, she twisted her legs violently with all her strength. Ree's head was wrenched around at an extremely uncomfortable-looking angle. His neck snapped audibly, and his tongue flopped out onto Leia's pubic hair as his whole body went limp. Leia relaxed her legs, and he slipped off the bed.
 

Jabba started screaming, dumbfounded, his red eyes bulging.
 

"What...what in the name of the motherfucking maker are you doing?!"
 

"Sorry Jabba," Leia replied, "I just wasn't happy with that scene. But I think it turned out better this way. The role needs a little unpredictability."
 

Jabba had his dais wheeled over to the bed. "Look, we've been over this shit before in rehearsal. Ruthie's self-concept isn't complete without a man to protect her! That's why she got mixed up with the lesbian bikers in the first fucking place! So Bruce would rescue her with his hangglider and...Goddamnit, I thought we'd thrashed out the psychodynamics of this already."
 

"Look, my contract gives me a little rewrite latitude. A week of rehearsal wasn't enough. I told you it wouldn't be." Leia shook her head.
 

"Don't fucking patronize me. I've directed more blowjobs than you've...given."
 

"I can't work under these conditions. I want a complete rewrite."
 

"Rewrite!? Rewrite!?" Jabba reached into his frog bowl, took one out, and began agitatedly pulling its limbs off one by one.
 

"Fine! I'll give you your fuckin' rewrite." Jabba took the restraining bolt control in his hand, and turned it on. Leia was immediately immobilized, trembling in pain.
 

Jabba picked up his megaphone and addressed the crew.
 

"Attention, assholes! The lead actress thinks my script sucks balls, so I'm gonna rewrite it. 'Blue Harvest' is no longer a porno movie. It's a snuff movie. It's gonna star Miss Sugar Walls over here, her wookiee pal, and the naked guy with the dick. Get my Sail Barge ready! We're gonna do some location shooting!"
 

The crew lurched into life, gathering up equipment. Jabba smiled cruelly at Leia, swallowing the last of the frog. "And its got a new title: 'Faster Sarlacc! Digest! Digest!'"
 

*********
 

Leia, Chewie, and Biggs stood in the dressing room of Jabba's Sail Barge, fidgeting with their manacles while a team of jawas worked on their makeup. Leia was dressed in a white gown, and her hair was done up in two absurd buns which clung to the sides of her head like earmuffs. Biggs was outfitted in a Jedi's robe. Outside the window, the peaceful suburbs of Dantooine slipped by.
 

Bo Shuda was going over the scene to be shot, pointing to a video terminal, on which some crude animatic storyboards were playing out. Tiny action figures of Leia, Biggs, and Chewie, animated with stop motion, were being forced to walk the plank of a small skiff. The skiff hovered over a normal suburban street. Under the plank, some forty feet below, was a large open manhole. Tentacles emerged from the manhole, periodically testing the air.
 

Biggs blinked at the screen. "Let me get this straight.
 

That's the pit of what? Tangpoon?"
 

"Carkoon," replied Bo. "Resting place of the all-powerful Sarlacc. In his belly, you will..."
 

"The what?" Leia interjected.
 

"The Sarlacc."
 

"What the hell is that?" Leia blinked repeatedly as one of the jawas applied her mascara.
 

Bo sighed. "It's a...a monster, alright?"
 

Biggs piped up. "What kind of monster?"
 

"I don't know, it's just...Nobody knows much about it, but it lives underground. In the middle of the suburbs. Its mouth is right under that manhole. People in the neighborhood call it the Sarlacc, I don't know why. Probably something the local kids started."
 

"And its mouth is there all the time?" Leia asked.
 

"It doesn't get around much. Anyway, in his belly..."
 

Biggs jumped in again. "You mean it just sits there waiting for food to fall in? Or does somebody feed it?"
 

Bo shook his head. "I don't know. Maybe somebody does. But that's really not the point..."
 

"Wait a second," Leia said. "If it just sits on its ass in the sewer, and people have to feed it, how can it be all-powerful?"
 

"Look, it's just a fucking name, okay? You know kids, they like to build stuff up. What are they supposed to call it? 'The pussy-assed Sarlacc?'"
 

Leia shook one of the jawas off her leg. "Sounds pretty stupid to me. So are we the meal of the day?"
 

"Yes. And as I was saying, in his belly, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a thousand years."
 

Leia laughed. "Okay, whatever."
 

Bo stopped the animatics and approached her. "This is no laughing matter, woman. Did you hear what I said? You're going to be slowly digested over a period of a thousand years. A thousand.
 

That's a one with three zeros after it. That's a long time to be digested. I imagine it'll be pretty unpleasant."
 

"Bullshit," Biggs shook his head. "How does everybody know it takes a thousand years? Does it take a shit every thousand years?"
 

Bo clenched his teeth, exasperated. "Look...I don't know, I'm not its mother, okay? Now can we get this blocking over with?
 

We'll be on location in 15 minutes."
 

"Where is this Sarlacc?" Leia asked.
 

"It's uh..." Bo looked at the back of his hand, where he had scribbled the address from the brochure. "It's at 22A Runcorn Avenue. We've had the street cordoned off, but there'll be a lot of spectators anyway. The kids are off school today."
 

Biggs was still puzzled. "Hold on, Bo. Let's get back to this thousand year thing."
 

Bo leaned back against the video monitor. "Oh, Christ."
 

"I mean, my life expectancy is about 80 years. Even if its like a grand hotel in there, the longest I'd survive would only be another 50 years from now. Then I'd die of old age. But it would probably be less than that if I'm being digested. Now, do you die immediately after you fall in, and it just takes a thousand years to digest your body, or are you supposed to actually be conscious and alive for that entire time?"
 

"I don't know. Conscious, I guess."
 

"That's what I figured. Hence the 'new definition of suffering' part. I mean, it wouldn't really be a new definition if it only lasted a minute or so. And if the pain was too intense, you'd just black out."
 

"Look, motherfucker, I didn't write the line! It's in the brochure."
 

Biggs continued. "So, we're agreed that in order to understand the 'new definition,' you'd have to be conscious, alive, and suffering in that thing's stomach for 1000 straight years. That's regardless of your age, health, stamina, species, whatever. So am I to assume that this thing actually prolongs your life expectancy by about 920 years while it kills you?"
 

"I don't know," Bo snorted, getting up. "And I don't give a fuck if it's five minutes, or five million fuckin' eons. The upshot is, you're all gonna be thrown in, so you'll learn firsthand. Send me a goddamn postcard."
 

Leia laughed. "Does mail go out from the Sarlacc every thousand years? Or is it privatized?"
 

Bo grabbed Leia by the hair. "Laugh all you want, Organa. You're about to become a fee lunch. And with that restraining bolt, there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Jabba wants this scene to turn out right, and when he wants something, he can make Preminger look like Barney the Dinosaur."
 

*********
 

Bo walked into the cocktail lounge, where Jabba's dais was set up in front of a large picture window. Near the dais was a wet bar, at which Salacious Crumb was sitting, pouring himself a drink. He was still wearing Leia's Boushh outfit. Jabba, looking through the window, watched kids on bicycles and skateboards whizzing up and down the street. He noticed Bo come in.
 

"Are we there yet?"
 

"No, master. Runcorn Avenue is uptown a little ways."
 

"Runcorn? It's not on Runcorn. It's on Wimpole Street. 27A."
 

"Are you sure, sir? The brochure said..."
 

"Fuck the brochure. I grew up on these streets, I think I know where the Pit of Carkoon is, thank you. 27A Wimpole is where we're headed. There's nothing on Runcorn but a bunch of mobile homes and titty-bars." Jabba gazed out the window, reminiscing. "Yeah, Bo. I remember running up and down these streets when I was a kid."
 

"Running, master?"
 

"Well, rolling. I used to take home movies of my mom and dad. One time I caught 'em screwing. Recorded the whole thing. That day changed my life. I knew right then I wanted to be a pornographic film director. That I wanted to share this feeling with as many people as I could...and get stinking fucking rich off it." Jabba twisted the rings on his fingers, one by one.
 

"Was that the same day you killed your parents, master?"
 

"No, that was later, when they wouldn't put up the money for film school. Cheap motherfuckers." Jabba looked over at Han, who was dozing on the edge of the dais, still wearing the slave girl outfit. Jabba whacked him smartly in the face with the end of his tail. "Yo! Solo. Look sharp."
 

Han rubbed nose. "Fuck you, Jabba."
 

"Such a temper. You were never cut out for smuggling, Solo. You should have been a jawa, floating around screwing farmers on second-hand droid deals."
 

"I'd rather die than hang out with them. They come into our neighborhoods in their sandcrawlers, they buy everything, never give back a fucking thing. They look at you funny when you go in
 

their stores..."
 

Jabba whacked him again. "You're just pissed 'cos they're motivated, and they know how to succeed. No Corellian ever amounted to jack shit. You just sit around boozing and fucking like ewoks."
 

"Watch it, Jabba. I've got limits."
 

"Oh yeah? Well I've got leverage." Jabba thought for a moment. "Now I want you to stick your face in my ass."
 

Han blinked. "What the hell for?"
 

"No reason," Jabba grinned cruelly. Salacious Crumb laughed uproariously from the wet bar as he rolled a cigarette.
 

*********
 

Leia, Chewie, and Biggs held onto the rail as the skiff they were riding came to a stop over a manhole at 27A Wimpole Street.
 

The street had been cordoned off, and a throng of suburbanites were watching the shoot from their frontyards.
 

Jabba, still inside the Sail Barge, watched the action from a video monitor. Bo stood next to him.
 

"Master, are you sure this is the right address?"
 

"There's the pit, fuckface. It's a little smaller than I remember it, but everything seems bigger when you're a kid. Now shut up and manage the floor."
 

Bo ascended a stairway and came out on the deck of the barge.
 

R2D2 was mounted on a crane, taking majestic test shots of the scene, swooping up and down. Boba Fett stood by the rail.
 

"Hey, Bo."
 

"What?"
 

"Whatever happened to that guy Boushh?"
 

"It was just that chick in disguise."
 

"Goddamnit, why is everyone lying to me? I know he's around here somewhere. I sure did like that guy."
 

Bo ignored him. He cleared his throat and addressed the crew.
 

"Okay, people, we're losing light here. Get yourself in position."
 

On the skiff, the Weequay brothers, Bill and Bob, prodded Leia and Biggs onto the plank. Biggs wobbled, trying to maintain his balance. "Man, this production is out of control. Overbudget, behind schedule, no script, and now we're gonna die."
 

Leia nudged him. "Be cool. Just stick close to Chewie and Lando. I've taken care of everything."
 

"Oh, great. I might as well go to sleep, then. Who did you say to stick close to?"
 

"The wookiee and Lando."
 

Biggs turned around, looking at the crew of the skiff. "Hey, which one of you is Lando?"
 

Lando, holding the sound boom, replied. "Whattya want?"
 

"I've gotta stick close to you."
 

"Stick close to whatever you want, muthafucka, this is between y'all."
 

Bo yelled from the Barge. "Victims of the almighty Sarlacc, the maestro hopes that you will perform...honorably. But should any of you wish to beg for a last minute rewrite, the great director will now hear your plea."
 

Leia laughed. "Bo, you tell that slimy, fat-assed lump of peanutty shit, he'll get no such pleasure from us." She turned to Biggs and Chewie. "Right?"
 

Biggs yelled back to Bo. "Actually, I do have a few problems with this scene..."
 

Leia cut him off. "Jabba, this is your last chance. Free us from our contracts, or die."
 

Jabba laughed and spoke into a mike which was connected to the Barge's loudspeakers. "Action!"
 

The Weequay's pushed Leia and Biggs out to the edge of the plank as R2 swooped in for a dramatic close up. Biggs looked down at the manhole below. It was completely dark. The only indication of any life was a horrendous stench which emanated from it.
 

"Christ, I wish somebody'd brought a bucket of mouthwash for this thing. Uh, Leia, what's my line?"
 

"We don't have any lines. This is an action scene."
 

"I thought it was a death scene."
 

"Well don't worry, it's gonna be an action scene in a minute."
 

Jabba, watching through the monitor, suddenly became impatient. "Come on, hit your marks!" He pressed the restraining bolt activator.
 

A blast of pain shot through Leia's vagina. She slipped to her knees, nearly falling off the plank.
 

"What is it?" Biggs asked. "Cramps?"
 

"No, fuckhead," she responded through clenched teeth.
 

"Restraining bolt." She groaned loudly. "Shit...this makes Norplant look like XTC!"
 

"So does this fuck up our plan? Should I have brought a thousand years worth of books to read?"
 

"No...Just flick off the camera robot."
 

"What?"
 

"Just do it!"
 

Biggs looked up at R2, shrugged, and gave him the bird. "Uh, fuck you, I guess."
 

A hatch on R2's head opened, and a small metal tube sprang out of it. Biggs caught it. "What the hell is this?"
 

Leia lay down on the plank, threw her skirt up, and spread her legs. "You've got to get the restraining bolt out. Stick it up my cunt. Push real hard, until you hear a crunch, then press the button."
 

Biggs grimaced. "That sounds pretty gross."
 

"No time to discuss this in committee!"
 

Biggs knelt down, and pushed the tube as far into Leia as he could. She howled in pain.
 

The Weequay brothers looked over Biggs' shoulder. "What's he doing?" said Bob.
 

"I don't know," replied Bill.
 

"Should we stop them or something?"
 

"Nah. I'm sure it's nothing bad."
 

On the Barge, Jabba was confused. "What the hell's going on?"
 

Han glanced at the monitor. "Looks like an improv."
 

"Goddamnit, I said no improvs!"
 

"Looks like he's giving it to her with a dildo. I like it, actually. Adds a tragic touch to the scene."
 

Jabba looked at him sideways. "How do you mean?"
 

"You know, a Wagnerian love-death thing. The lovers have one last game of hide and seek in the bush before they're cast into the pit of whatever. It's classic stuff."
 

"I thought that was your girl?"
 

"Mine? Sheeiitt. I mean, she's cute and everything, but she's a little psycho."
 

Back on the skiff, Biggs heard a muffled crunch. He pressed the button, and heard a mechanical whirring.
 

Leia's eyes bulged out of their sockets. "PULL IT OUT!!"
 

Biggs yanked the device back out. The bloody restraining bolt was held fast by three tiny metallic claws. "Whew. Not a graceful way to get the job done, but it worked. What's the next part of the plan?"
 

Leia rubbed her groin and panted, trying to catch her breath.
 

"Now...we kill everybody."
 

"Pretty traditional, but...stick with what works, right?"
 

Biggs turned to Bill Weequay. "Hey, buddy, can you hold this for a second?" He handed the restraining bolt extractor to him. Bill stared at it dumbly. Biggs then wound up, and punched him in the jaw with all his might, sending him flying off the skiff and somersaulting into the open manhole.
 

Leia sprang up, kicked Bob Weequay in the groin, and shoved him off the skiff as well. He disappeared after his brother. R2 lowered his crane quickly, getting a beautifully fluid shot of the fall.
 

On the deck of the Barge, Bo looked on in amazement.
 

"What...what the fuck are they doing? This isn't in the script!"
 

Boba flipped a switch on his jetpack. "Maybe one of them knows where Boushh is." With a blast of exhaust, he launched himself toward the skiff.
 

In the cocktail lounge, Jabba was twitching in rage. "Cut!! Cut!!"
 

Han walked over to the wet bar and began making himself a seven and seven. "Don't sweat it, Jabba. It's great footage."
 

"No more amateur opinions! I'm the fucking director! I'm the leading fucking director in erotic cinema today! My films have grossed 53 trillion credits galaxy-wide! Do they think I'm some hack jerking off in front of a camcorder!?"
 

"I'm tellin' you, Jabba, this'll be your biggest hit. Go with it."
 

Jabba sneered at him. "Oh, what the fuck do you know? You're a captured smuggler who bums change for lap dancing from drooling things that half the time don't even have laps. You've never directed a film. Shit, you couldn't direct traffic on an empty road!"
 

"Look, Jabba, it's just my opinion." Han noticed that Salacious was playing with a small circular object, rolling it around on the bar. He pushed Salacious aside and picked it up, examining it.
 

"From now on, Solo, if I want your opinion...no, fuck it, I'll never want it. From now on don't speak unless I say. Now get over here and give me a massage. My neck is tied up in knots."
 

Han flipped a small switch on the circular object, and it began to blink. Then, realizing what it was, he pocketed it and walked over to Jabba.
 

He put on his most disarming grin. "Sure, Jabba. But wouldn't you rather play 'Where's froggy?' instead?"
 

Jabba thought for a moment. "What the hell. My boys can handle those improvisers out there. I could use something to take my mind off things." Jabba batted his eyes at Han. "Um...Where's froggy?"
 

"Froggy's coming, Jabba. Froggy's coming."
 

*********
 

Boba Fett landed on the skiff with a thud, his weapon drawn.
 

Biggs had grabbed one of the guards from behind, and held him while Leia eviscerated him with his own knife.
 

She glanced at Boba, holding a hand in front of her face to shield herself from the spraying blood. "We're kind of busy here. What do you want?"
 

"I was wondering if any of you seen that guy Boushh? You know, the Ubese bounty hunter that brought the wookiee?"
 

Lando, who was sitting calmly at one end of the skiff, piped up. "I told you, you buck-toothed jackass, that girl is Boushh."
 

"Shut up!" Boba whipped his pistol around and squeezed off a shot at Lando. The blast hit him in the shoulder and knocked him off the skiff. He fell into the manhole screaming, "MUTHAFU...!"
 

Leia licked blood off her knife and smiled at Boba. "He's right, asshole. I'm Boushh."
 

"Bullshit! Tell me where he is or I'll fucking kill all of you!"
 

Leia smiled. "Does this sound familiar?" She grabbed her adam's apple and began vibrating it with her fingers, imitating Boushh's mechanized voice. "Hi, I'm Boushh. You're my best friend. I love you. I'm Boushh."
 

Boba trembled with rage, and switched his blaster to its highest setting. "No...that's not true! That's impossible!"
 

"Search your feelings, asshole. Why would I lie?"
 

"NO!! NO!!!" Boba aimed his blaster at her head, only to have his arm grabbed firmly and yanked upward by Chewbacca. The blaster discharged harmlessly into the air.
 

Chewie growled in anticipation. "Reeeaaraggah roooaar roowareeahh." (Oh man, it's been too long since I've done this.)
 

With a terrifying snarl, Chewie grabbed Fett's shoulder with his other hand, then yanked his arm out of its socket. Chewie roared in ecstasy as his hairless body was sprayed crimson. "RAAARAAGH!!

REEAAAROOWW!!" (I AM THE WOOKIEE KING! I CAN DO ANYTHING!)
 

Boba stumbled away in a daze, gushing blood onto the skiff. He sat down on one of the guardrails and began talking to himself.
 

"Alright...alright. Don't panic. Just analyze what you did wrong."
 

Chewie laughed, then swung Boba's detached arm like a bat, striking him in the head. Boba flew off the skiff and into the Sarlacc. Chewie roared triumphantly, then peeled the shirt off the severed arm and bit off an enormous chunk of flesh.
 

Leia laughed at the spectacle. "Just like a wookiee. Always thinking with his stomach."
 

*********
 
 
 

Jabba, eyes closed, giggled like a child. "Where's froggy? Why won't froggy come home?"
 

Han rubbed a frog around Jabba's left ear. "Is this froggy's house?"
 

"Froggy!!"
 

Han started on Jabba's other ear, then thought better of it.
 

"Is this...oh, fuck it. Froggy's going straight home."
 

Jabba rolled over, exposing his anus. "Come home, froggy!"
 

Han blanched at the sight. "Oh, I can't tell you how little I'm going to miss this." With that, Han hurled the frog against the nearest wall, then took the circular device (Boushh's thermal detonator, in case you weren't paying attention), and jammed it up Jabba's ass.
 

Jabba immediately rolled back over, barely giving Han enough time to get his arm out. "Ah, Bosca! That's not a frog! What's the game, Solo?"
 

Han backed up quickly, getting behind the wet bar. "It's a surprise. Trust me, it'll be so good, you'll think you've died."
 

"And gone to heaven?"
 

"Well, I wouldn't go that far."
 

Jabba's eyes opened wide as he realized his predicament.
 

"Oh...you sonofabitch! You cooing Corellian cocksucker! I'll fuckin' squash you!" Jabba began trying to roll himself off the dais, but his enormous bulk was too much to move. After a few sweaty attempts, he slumped back, exhausted.
 

Han shook his head. "I told you to lose weight, Jabba. You shouldn't have disintegrated that Deal-A-Meal guy when he tried to put you on TV."
 

Jabba began crying pitifully. "But...my film..."
 

"Face it, Jabba. You haven't made a decent softcore since 'The Immortal Mr. Antilles.' You've been coasting. You might as well go out with a bang. Remember, Pasolini was whacked by a male prostitute six weeks after he finished 'Salo.'
 

Jabba smiled meekly. "Ah...Pasolini..."
 

Han ducked behind the wet bar just in time. With a tremendous boom, fluid and viscera in every color of the rainbow splattered the walls. Then the only sound was that of dripping blood and Salacious Crumb's maniacal laughter. Han got up and surveyed the scene. Jabba had been dispersed evenly over the entire room. There was no particular grouping of flesh to indicate where he had been. Han looked up, and saw Salacious hanging from one of the rafters.
 

"Here, boy." Salacious obediently jumped down onto his shoulder, still cackling. Han abruptly grabbed him by the legs, swung him around his head twice, and dashed his brains out against the wet bar. Dropping the twitching body to the floor, he muttered, "Laugh that up, fuckball."
 

Han had to sweep several feet of Jabba's intestines away from the door before he could open it. He walked out into the adjoining hallway, then made his way up to the deck.
 

He found Bo Shuda, desperately trying to disengage the safety on the laser cannon he had trained on the skiff. "Goddamn thing...Why can't you just point and shoot?"
 

"Hey, Bo?"
 

"Don't bother me, Solo. I've got to discipline these actors."
 

"You've got to point it at the deck before it'll fire." Han walked over and surreptitiously flipped the safety off. Bo swung the cannon around until it was aimed at the floor.
 

"Will it work now?"
 

"Go ahead and try it."
 

Bo squeezed the trigger, and there was an enormous explosion as the beam cut through the bulkheads and struck the main drive system. Bo blinked. "Uh...was it supposed to do that?"
 

"Oh yeah." Han patted Bo on the shoulder. "Great shot, kid, that was one in a million. Now if you'll excuse me." Han walked over to the rail and whistled to R2. "Yo! I'm ready for my closeup!"
 

R2 swung his crane over to the deck, and Han jumped onto it.
 

"Let's get away from this thing." R2 maneuvered both of them over to the skiff, where they disembarked. He then swiveled around to get a shot of the rapidly disintegrating Sail Barge.
 

Han nodded at Chewie, who grunted a greeting. Leia, still covered in blood, embraced him. Han stood limply, his arms at his sides. "Uh, princess. We might want to get out of here."
 

"What?" She blinked at him, tears welling in her eyes. "Oh, yeah. Does anybody know how to operate this thing?"
 

Chewie shrugged. Biggs shook his head.
 

Han rolled his eyes. "Wonderful. Well maybe there's a manual in the glove compartment."
 

They were all in the middle of searching the craft when it was suddenly rocked by an explosion. It listed badly to one side, nearly dumping all of them out. "What the fuck?!" Leia exclaimed.
 

Bo Shuda, his clothing on fire from the explosions on the Sail Barge, launched another volley of laser bolts at the skiff, screaming wildly. "FUCK YOU, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!! WHEN WE GET TO HELL, I'LL FUCK YOU UP SOME MORE!!"
 

The skiff was hit continuously until its stabilizers gave out and it capsized. Han, Leia, Biggs, Chewie, and R2 were all dumped into the Sarlacc just as the Sail Barge blossomed into an enormous fireball...
 

*********
 

The first thing Leia was surprised by was the illumination. There was a light coming from the other end of what appeared to be a large tube, presumably the creature's throat. The smell of the place was overpowering and the air was hot and clammy. Footing was uneasy on the soft pinkish tissue of the creature, and she found herself repeatedly falling down. She felt Biggs' hand on her shoulder.
 

"What's the plan now, Imperious Leader?"
 

"Fuck off. Can we crawl back out?" She looked up at the light which came from the manhole above. It was only a tiny shaft about 20 feet up. It appeared to have gotten smaller since they'd fallen it. But there was no way to reach it, as the fleshy walls offered no purchase.
 

"Screw crawling out. Let's see what that light is down there." She began moving towards it, with the rest of the gang following her. Occasionally she had to turn her body sideways to squeeze between the undulating, slippery walls.
 

The light came from a larger open space. Leia was astonished to find a small group of people within, sitting or standing around a small card table with a lamp on it. A sabbac game was taking place.
 

All the people were there--Bob Weequay, Lando, Boba Fett (slumped against a wall, still bleeding to death), and the other guards that had fallen in during the battle. They were huddled around the table, watching the game, which was being played by a group of men and humanoids who appeared to be several centuries old.
 

Leia heard a pained grunting. In one corner, Bill Weequay, the first to fall in, was being sodomized by a grey-haired Snaggletooth who had obviously been inside the Sarlacc for far too long.
 

One of the men at the table, apparently the dealer, turned and saw Leia and the others. His myriad wrinkles bunched together as he squinted at them. "Christ, more? What's going on up there, Jonestown II? Well, you can watch this game but you can't join in 'til it's over. We should be done in a couple of years." He resumed playing. The other players ignored them.
 

Leia stared at the ancient men in disbelief. "Uh...how long have you all been in here?"
 

The dealer grunted, not bothering to look up from his cards.
 

"Does it look like five minutes?"
 

"No, longer."
 

"Well, you're right. Honestly, none of us remember how long, and we're fucking tired of being asked." He motioned to the Snaggletooth, who was still in the process of raping Bill Weequay.
 

"Especially John over there. He's been here the longest. He doesn't even talk anymore."
 

"What's your name?"
 

The dealer opened his mouth to reply, then paused. "Uh...I don't know. Can you beat that?"
 

Han pushed Leia out of the way. "Where'd the table come from?"
 

"It was already here. Funny thing, that. And the chairs. Somebody must've dumped them in. The Sarlacc isn't too discriminating."
 

Biggs broke into the conversation. "What do you guys live on?"
 

The dealer looked up at him. "Well, we...that's weird, I hadn't thought about it. I guess you don't have to eat down here. Something about the atmosphere. Hell, you could probably survive in here...a thousand years or more."
 

Biggs pressed on. "Are you in any pain?"
 

"You sure do ask a lot of questions. Just relax."
 

"Please, it's important. Are you in pain?"
 

"How do you mean?"
 

"I mean, do you feel as if you're being...digested, or something like that?"
 

The dealer laughed, and was joined by the other players.
 

"What the fuck are you talking about? Look, boy, you'll never get out of here, so just get used to it. And it's really not that bad. It's nice and warm, you never get hungry or thirsty, you live for a long time, and every so often somebody new falls in. You don't have to sweat it out in some shit-ass day job, or hump across the galaxy from planet to planet, worrying about getting blasted by Imperial slugs. I mean, what's so great about living on the outside?"
 

"At least you're free on the outside."
 

This was greeted by another chorus of guffaws. "Flush out your headgear, new guy," the dealer croaked. "Freedom is the biggest crock of shit in the history of the universe. I suppose you still believe in the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus, and that girls are attracted to a guy with a sense of humor."
 

"Well, they are, aren't they?"
 

Leia stifled a laugh.
 

"Look, kids," said the dealer. "We're in the middle of a game here. Just sit down and shut up."
 

Chewie growled in frustration and struck one of the walls, sending ripples through the entire chamber. Han looked at Leia.
 

"Well, your worship. Any ideas?"
 

"Well, I guess we could...sing a song or something."
 

"This isn't a field trip, sister."
 

"I know, I know." Leia scratched one of her breasts and sighed. "There must be some way out. Has anybody got a blaster?"
 

Chewie held up Boba's half-eaten arm, which still held a blaster. He pried the weapon loose and tossed it to Leia. She aimed it at the nearest wall and fired. The bolt began ricocheting all over the room, forcing everyone to duck for cover.
 

"You stupid bitch!" the dealer cried. "It's magnetically..."
 

His sentence was cut short as the bolt slammed into his chest, killing him outright.
 

"Great," sighed Biggs. "Now nobody'll talk to us. Thanks a lot for all your plans, Leia. Why didn't you just leave me frozen, you dumb bitch?"
 

Chewie and Han joined in the chorus of disapproval, along with the others in the room. Leia stood silently, tears welling in her eyes.
 

"I was...only trying to help."
 

Han grunted bitterly. "We don't need your help. Right guys?"
 

The men voiced their agreement.
 

"Fine," Leia said, drying her eyes. "None of you limp dicks could make a decision anyway. Well I've led you this far and I'm not going to stop now. Fuck it. Why not go all the way?" She aimed her blaster at the ceiling, then began firing as quickly as she could. Everyone ducked for cover again as laser bolts began to criss-cross the room.
 

Leia kept firing until she heard some kind of rumbling within the belly of the beast. "What the hell is that?"
 

Han looked up from the floor. "What?"
 

"That sound." Leia noticed that the room now appeared to be shrinking. The walls were rapidly moving closer to each other. Solo noticed the shrinking. "Oh, shit."
 

Leia began barking orders. "Don't just stand there, try and brace it with something!"
 

"Like what?"
 

"I don't know!"
 

"A second ago you wanted us all to die."
 

"I'm a fickle minded bitch, alright! And I think I may have found a way out!"
 

Solo laughed despairingly. "Wonderful. Women's intuition. Look, sister, one thing's for sure, we're all gonna be a lot thinner. Why not accept it? This thing's throat is collapsing."
 

"This is no throat!"
 

*********
 

As Leia regained consciousness, she became aware of warmth on her face. Light from Dantooine's famous quadruple sunset was streaming down on her. Then Han's face filled her field of vision, blocking the light. His entire body was covered with some sort of brownish substance, and he smelled godawful.
 

"Well, your Highnessness. How was your beauty sleep?"
 

Leia sat up slowly and looked around. They were back outside the Sarlacc, on top of an enormous pile of what appeared to be excrement. Slowly, a satisfied grin broke out on her face. "I knew that wasn't a mouth. The laser blasts must've gotten its guts going."
 

Han spat and wiped his mouth. "Well you could have told us sooner." He picked up a hunk of the Sail Barge's hull and began using it to scrape ordure off his pants. "I guess somebody got the address wrong."
 

"Yeah, the whole production was incompetent. Lucky for us."
 

Leia looked around. "Where are the others?"
 

"Buried, I guess. Come on." Han grabbed Leia's arms and pulled her free of the shit. They carefully made toward the bottom of the manhole shaft. When they reached the bottom, they noticed a large throng of suburbanites approaching tentatively, gaping in amazement.
 

Han glared at them. "What the fuck are you lookin' at? Go on, get out of here, there's nothing to see."
 

With a mighty roar, Chewbacca burst out of the pile, using what appeared to be Biggs' lifeless body as a shovel. When he had extricated himself, he threw the corpse at Leia's feet. "Reaaraarr rooooraahh rewwoorr." (Well, at least he didn't turn out to be completely useless.)
 

Han nudged Biggs with his foot. "Naked, dead, and covered with shit. Bet his parents had higher hopes for him."
 

Leia sighed. "Too bad. He was a great fuck."
 

"Sure, behind the camera. Don't fret, sister. I hear Jabba was planning on cutting him out of the movie anyway."
 

A beeping sound caught their attention. R2's tiny periscope popped out of the pile, and he began working his way out.
 

"Handy little droid," said Han.
 

"Yep. I tell you, it's not an easy thing to find a droid you can bribe." Leia dug into a pocket in her robe and took out a few credits. A hatch on R2's body opened and a small changepurse emerged. Leia dropped the coins in.
 

Lando, who had somehow remained almost completely clean, suddenly walked out from behind the mound. He smiled. "Man, you guys need to take better care of yourselves."
 

Han growled. "Get out of here, Lando."
 

"Hey, man, I'm just happy you're alive."
 

Leia walked up to Lando and slapped him. "Oww!" he exclaimed. "Bitch, you better step off with that shit!"
 

"You didn't do anything! We were relying on you."
 

"I told you, bitch, I wasn't down with your plans. I do what I do to get mine. You do the same. But now we're in a position to help each other out. How about..." Lando was cut short by Chewie, who grabbed him by the throat and started choking him. Lando sank to his knees, gasping desperately for air.
 

"We don't need your help," Leia sniffed.
 

Han put his arm around Leia and led her away. "Come on, sister, let's let Chewie have his fun." Walking down the street, they made their way over to one of the resident's yards, where a lawn sprinkler was set up. Han took off his slave girl uniform, and Leia followed suit. They stood in the spray, washing themselves off.
 

Leia looked up at the four setting suns. "How can life survive on a planet with this many suns?"
 

Han shrugged. "They must be pretty shitty suns." He blinked at them, suddenly getting a far away look in his eyes. "Too bad Luke isn't here."
 

Leia gasped. "That sonofabitch? When he took over Cloud City he sold you to Boba Fett just to spite me. Then he flew off to join some weird cult. He doesn't give a damn about either of us."
 

"I thought you liked him?"
 

Leia laughed. "Oh, Christ, it's not like that at all. He's my brother. Fuck him."
 

Han rubbed his chin. "I guess you're right. I suppose as soon as we're off this planet we should...hunt him down and kill him or something."
 

"Suits me. We should cut his balls off and feed 'em to him."
 

Han pinched Leia's cheek playfully. "I think we've had enough female advice for one day. Anyhow, thanks for rescuing me. I guess I owe you one, your worship."
 

"Would you please stop calling me that?"
 

"What would you like me to call you?"
 

Leia thought for a moment. "How about...'Exalted Empress of the Universe'?"
 

"How about just 'Leia'?"
 

Leia smiled, running her fingers through her wet hair. "I guess 'Your Worship' is fine." They embraced each other, kissing passionately as the quadruple sunset created tiny rainbows in the sprinkler, and Lando's death rattle floated over the evening air.