Chapter 12
Forever
Spike felt the earlier hysteria
leave him and now he felt empty. He still knew no more than he did when he had
been sitting by himself gazing hopefully at his inbox.
“What’s going on, Peaches? You
ain’t spoken to me all week and now…”
Angel turned to him in
amazement. Couldn’t he see it shining out from every pore? Hear the veneer of
emotion that overlaid his every word?
“Can’t you see it? Don’t you
hear it?”
“See what? Hear what?”
Angel stared at him and Spike had
the grace to avert his eyes.
“Don’t be so stubborn.”
Spike shrugged.
“Ok. You’re happy that’s what’s
different. So tell me about Buffy.”
Again he felt a sting of
astonishment and hurt. How could Spike still ask questions like that?
“Why do you do this to
yourself?”
“Look… you kinda told me about
it on the phone earlier. And that’s great. You, Buffy, kid... yeah, great that
you’re happy, but it don’t exactly answer me question. What are you doing here
and what’s going on?”
Angel raised his eyebrows and gave
a half smile.
“Do you really think I’m setting
up home with her?”
“Yes.” The smile baffled him and
he frowned in confusion. “I don’t know. It seems…logical.”
“So that’s what your brain told
you. What did your heart say? What did it say when I walked across the pit of
hell for you?”
“It was a dance floor, Peaches.
And it didn’t say anything.” Spike lied.
The car purred smoothly through
the night, the interior fragrant with the scent of leather and wealth. Little
lights twinkled in the roof and Spike sprawled backwards into creamy leather
and watched them.
Angel watched the sliver of
flesh exposed as Spike’s T shirt rode up.
“Why do you think I’m here?”
“Cus you’ve got something
important to tell me.” The twinkling lights of the car began to blur.
“You don’t trust me.” Angel said
sadly. He knew it might take time and he was prepared to wait. “Think, Spike.
You’re not stupid.”
“Just tell me, get it over
with.”
“Ok. I’ll tell you what you’re
waiting to hear. I love Buffy.”
Spike nodded, as though
satisfied to have his belief confirmed.
“But she’s not the one. She’s
not the one I see myself walking beside, laughing with. Fighting and loving
with equal passion. I’m kinda in love with you.”
Angel dropped his head
uncertainly.
“I‘ve told you before, thought
you understood the depths… I thought you returned it… I…” He stopped but was
unable to meet Spike’s eyes.
Spike’s heart jolted and he knew
he’d been behaving like a complete wanker. Always bloody hiding, this time
behind pathetic accusations. He may not always be honest with others but he had
something few possessed. Self-honesty. And he knew exactly what he’d been doing
with the Buffy thing. Letting his fear in and allowing it to push him away from
Angel, because what they had was so close to what he needed it terrified him.
Spike sat up.
“Angel? Look at me.” Angel
slowly raised his downcast eyes. Spike was staring back with a passion that was
frightening. “You are my every waking thought. I fall asleep dreaming of you.
This isn’t new for me. I’ve loved you forever and it hurts. It bloody hurts.”
Angel reached for him but was
held off.
“No let me finish. For a hundred
years I’ve had nothing from you, not a look or flicker that was anything other
than contempt. Still I’ve loved you. Then you seemed to finally see me. Shared
your blood and took mine, you reached out in affection, made me your childe. It
was perfect. Until Angelus came along…”
“I…” Angel started. But Spike
was lost in what he needed to say.
“He offered something akin to love
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still love’s bitch and I thought about accepting what
he offered, but in the end the price he asked was more than I could afford to
give. Then finally you came back to me, saying everything I wanted to hear,
looking at me the way no one has ever looked at me before. And I had to leave.
I had to walk away from you. To save you.”
His eyes were intense. He needed
Angel to understand.
“Do you get it? Do you see what
it is to me? Love is suffering. Love is my Mum spitting out evil words. Love is
Buffy beating me down. Love is… you.”
Dark eyes blinked and a large
hand tentatively reached out to clasp the smaller one. His heart ached, his
whole body ached that he was part of this anguish and confusion.
“As long as you believe that
last bit then that’s enough for now. Nothing’s going to hurt us ever again.
I’ll make sure nothing hurts you again.”
Mahogany eyes were making
promises and begging for trust from doubt-clouded sky blue ones.
“But how…?”
Angel shushed him gently,
thought for a second and then he reached forward and pulled out a box, wrapped
in shiny gold with red ribbons.
“For you.”
Spike looked at it suspiciously
but began untying the bow with unsteady fingers.
“Uh… Chocolates?”
He looked with disbelief. He’d
poured out his heart in a mucky flow of hurt and angst and Angel gave him
chocolates.
“Yeah, well. Cheers.”
“See. I remembered. If I wanted
to win you then chocolates but not flowers because…”
Suddenly Spike remembered too.
“Then I’d have to kill you.”
Spike finished in a whisper.
“I remember everything you’ve
ever said.” Angel replied tenderly stroking a stray lock off his forehead.
“I’ve dreamt of this moment, planned for this moment. The Richard Gere thing,
sweeping you off your feet, do you know how long it took me to work up the
courage to walk into that club and do that? I’m letting the world know that
it’s you and me. I don’t know what else I can do or say. Except what I came
here to say; I have a permanent soul and I choose you Spike. If you won’t
choose me in return then…”
Spike waved him to silence.
“You what? Run that by me
again.”
“I have a permanent soul. I
won’t ever be purely Angelus again.”
“Bloody hell...”
Spike’s mouth formed an ‘o’ of
disbelief.
“I know. That was my reaction
too.”
He was grinning like a madman once
more. He leant forward and grazed his mouth lightly across Spike’s. He closed
his eyes in anticipation of the touch, the sensation of soft cool lips. He took
advantage of Spike’s open-mouthed astonishment to let his tongue gently caress
inside. It made the world diminish until all that was left was Spike’s lips on
his, Spike’s tongue gradually responding, darting forward and tentatively
withdrawing, as though shy of the need being spoken by wordless mouths.
Then Spike was gently pushing
him away, needing answers even more than he needed loving kisses.
“Luv? Talk to me. Tell me what’s
happening, before I sodding murder you.”
Angel smiled at him.
“I saved a world.” He replied
proudly.
“I know. I spoke to you but you
didn’t seem all glowy then. How did you know about that sorcerer bloke being on
his way out, anyway?”
“I was getting nightmares. I
thought it was Angelus trying to rattle me. All despair and people dying and
blood on the walls. I was haunted by words whispering through my head; ‘release
me’. Kinda sounded like Angelus. I’d forgotten about Chi’Lustra. Then that
night he managed to manifest himself physically. The apparition he sent passed
through me. It was cold and despairing and desperate. It sparked the memories
of the place. I think I was feeling what he was feeling. The man was close to
death before Angelus ever cut his throat. In fact, if he hadn’t have brought
our attention to that world it would have quietly slipped away.”
“Good turns to evil and evil
turns to good. Score one for our side, yeah?”
“Yeah. Score one for us.”
“So what happened next?”
“I saved the world…”
Spike laughed.
“Don’t you just love saying
those words?”
Angel’s lips twitched in
satisfaction.
“Yeah, I do. I saved the world.
The result was spellbinding. I wish you could have seen it.”
He tried to describe it,
attempting to bring it to life, to share this miracle with the person he loved.
“It flowered to life around me.
It was beautiful and glorious. Like the creation of
“It sounds beautiful, Pet.”
“It truly was. It was glorious.
Resonance, harmony and beauty so poignant it would have brought tears to your
eyes. The world was exploding with joy and I caused it Spike. I did it. And I
was part of it. They offered me a perfect world and it meant nothing without
you. I chose you.”
“But I think that they sensed
the disharmony in me. It was like black scar on a land that blazed wit light.
They whispered to me discovered my heart’s desire, what blighted it... I was
thinking of you and you appeared before them, your eyes alight with laughter
and full of joy, you fitted into the spirit of the place and they looked and
approved. They loved you too. How could they not? Then that sense of wholeness
and completeness. I didn’t realise straight away, the whole experience was so
overwhelming and euphoric. It wasn’t until after talking to you that I realised
the struggle of containing a demon was over and I’d been healed.”
“Angel…” Spike reached for his
hand, eyes bright with wonder. “Why didn’t you tell me? I’d have flown back…”
“Because the only surprises I’ve
ever given you have been painful. I’ve brought nothing into your life except
suffering. No… hush. I wanted to sweep you off your feet because I was afraid
that if you had a minute to think about it you wouldn’t choose me. I wanted to
show you how good it could be because it’s something you’ve never really
known.”
“Hey. I didn’t need all this,
Pet. Just you, you know? Just you.”
“No, you deserve more. You need
to know how special you are. Not a dirty little secret to be locked away in the
basement. I’m not ashamed of what I feel and I’m not ashamed of you.”
“So I don’t disgust you then?”
Angel frowned.
“No… Tell me that I’ve never
said a thing like that to you! I know I haven’t. You’ve never disgusted me.”
“No. It wasn’t you.”
“So you ok about this?”
“Don’t have much choice do I?
After that display in the club there’s no chance it’s gonna be secret.”
“Yeah. I guess it’ll work its
way back home.”
“Pet? There were two slayers in
that club. The news will be breaking in
“Oh…. You know what? I find
myself big with the not caring.”
“You didn’t play the bint in
that little scene. It’s my image that’s been shot down in flames and there will
be a reckoning, don’t think you’ll escape just cus you… care for me.”
Angel heard the hesitation.
“You can’t admit it, can you?
Not just because I care. Because I love you.”
He leaned his body threateningly
over the smaller vampire.
“Go on say it. Angel loves
Spike.”
Spike began to laugh, struggling
against him.
“Get off me, you sodding bully.”
“Say it.”
“Oh bloody… get off. Ow! Ok!
Angel loves Spike. Satisfied? Angel loves me. You love me.”
His eyes stared up, mesmerised
by the affection that lit up his Sire’s face. His words ended in a soft whisper,
as though he was finally accepting such a possibility. Angel hugged him.
“Yeah, Baby, I’m satisfied.”
Christ, he was feeling such a
wuss but the feeling wasn’t strong enough to drag him out of the embrace.
“And how did you manage to set
it all up, anyway?”
Angel pulled back and looked a
trifle guilty.
“Well ummm… I dragged your
friends into it. Made sure they got you to the club. They talked to the owner
who thought it would be an excellent stunt for the opening night. Then your
friends bribed the dj to play the music….”
“Those gits knew what was
happening? I thought they were in a strange mood tonight.”
“Spike, why do they think I’m
your doctor?”
“Cus I told them that you cured
me of my fits. Why? What’s the matter, Pet?”
Angel played with his fingers.
“It’s unethical for me to be
seeing you. What must your friends think of me?”
Spike’s jaw dropped open.
“You’re bloody serious aren’t
you?”
“I want to create the right kind
of impression.”
“Angel. Looking the way you do,
I can guarantee that they’re going to love you.”
He read the scepticism and
realised that Angel was a bout to brood.
“What’s wrong now?” He sighed.
“I don’t think Mick likes me
much.”
“Oh well, Mick. He just wants
the best for me.”
“What? And I’m not good enough?”
“I was a bit of a state when I
came here, Pet. I think he blamed you.”
“Oh. He was right to.”
“No he wasn’t. And I think I sorta
blamed you too, and that wasn’t right either.”
“It’s ok...”
“No it’s not.”
Spike’s eyes were watching him closely;
he shifted nervously and began to feel self-conscious. He blurted out the first
thing that came into his head.
“So who was that ugly guy
hanging around your neck when I walked in?”
“Ugly guy?” Spike frowned and
then realised that he meant the Brad Pitt wannabe and began to laugh. “Ugly?”
“Yeah. He was…”
“Go on, I’m intrigued. Find one
thing to criticise about him, just one thing.”
Angel thought for a while and
then muttered crossly.
“If he was so frigging perfect
what are you doing with me?”
“Well, you see. I never said he
was perfect. He did have one glaring fault.”
Despite himself, Angel couldn’t
help biting.
“Go on.”
“He wasn’t you.”
Angel tried his best not to look
smug.
“Hmmm. I think you’ll find quite
a few people have this fault.”
“Oh, bummer.”
“It’ll limit your choice a
little.”
“Yeah, I guess it will.”
“And you’re ok with that?”
“I’ll have to be, won’t I? It’s
not the sort of imperfection I can overlook.”
Angel gazed at him, his fingers
drawn to flawless cheekbones. He gave in to the urge and began to gently trace
the sharp ridges.
“You couldn’t be more perfect if
you were created just for me.”
Spike smiled.
“But, Peaches. I was.”
Angel dropped his hand, looked
away and was silent. An anxious look darted towards him but was swiftly
concealed.
“Right. Why won’t you look at
me? What’s wrong?”
“God, even the sound of your
voice… Don’t talk. Please.”
Now Spike was beginning to feel
disgruntled and sank back into the seat, gazing out at Eros poised hopefully
atop of his pillar. He felt a wave of antipathy towards the chubby little
figure. Bloody Cupid and his stupid arrows, going around confusing everyone. He
looked back at Angel and then a scent caught in the back of his throat. He
sniffed and found it had permeated the whole car. A rush of desire hit his
loins. His insides were turning to water and he was thankful he was seated
because his legs had gone weak. He closed his eyes and allowed the heat of
Angel’s desire to drench his body. A soft moan escaped his lips.
Angel heard the sound and tensed.
Spike shifted away, making full use of the stretch part of the car. He needed
the distance. They both did.
His Sire wanted him. The dark
haired vampire was barely holding himself in check. What had he done or said to
provoke this reaction? He bit his bottom lip as he thought.
Angel was regaining control and
then the sultry voice shimmered through the air.
“I’ve been honed and crafted by
three lifetimes to make me perfect for you in this one. You wanna finally
discover what’s been created for you? Remove me from my packaging and play with
your possession? Yeah. I was made for you, Peaches. William taught me how to
love; Spike taught me how to be strong.”
“Uh.” Angel was having
difficulty producing coherent words. He cleared his throat, hoping that would
help. “What did the latest William teach you?"
Spike gave a wicked chuckle.
“If you’re lucky I might show
you later.”
“Ugh?” He was definitely beyond
words now,
“I’ll be every fantasy you’ve
ever had. Do you want me, Luv? Do you wanna kiss me until I’m moaning for you?
Tease me until I’m begging for you? Do you want to feel these hands gliding
over your beautiful body?”
Angel’s heated gaze was
scorching through him. His voice became huskier.
“Cus I wanna see you, laid out
and naked for me. I wanna touch you and watch as you throw your head back in
desire, feel your lust-filled eyes burning into me. Will you plead with me?”
Spike licked his own lips at the thought of those lips parted and moaning his
name. “I need to see your body aching for me, straining towards my touch.
Trembling beneath my hands. You need it too, don’t you, Pet? You’d lay there
and you’d do anything for me wouldn’t you? I know that you would.”
Just the act of Spike saying it
made it true, made Angel want it with every thought in his head and every fibre
of his body. His whole body was hard and tense and ready to explode. He was
consumed by need. The power of that voice was like the gentle and persuasive
suggestions of a hypnotist. There was nothing he wouldn’t want at the suggestion
of that voice.
“Spike…”
He could make out the dark
figure and the shining fever of his eyes.
“You need me don’t you? Well I
need you too. I’ll be whatever you want. I’ll meet you in passion. Surpass you
in desire. I’ll lay down for you and I’ll take you. I’ll be your companion,
your solace, your friend. I’m yours, Sire. Use me.”
Angel’s eyes were black; his
face held a trace of a flush and his lips were parched.
“We’ll go back to your place
now.” His voice was shaky.
“Yes, Sire.”
“Oh God!”
Spike lifted the handset.
“Home, please.”
The car turned at his
instruction.
“We’ll be there soon.”
“Yeah, good.” Angel breathed;
trying to quash the screaming need that had surfaced through every pore of his
body, drown out the images that Spike had placed into his head. Then he
remembered.
“Oh frigging hell and
damnation!”
“Now what?”
“Your friends. They’re going to
be there. You left last time without saying goodbye properly. In return for
helping me they insisted on a farewell party.”
“Did they?”
“Uh huh. They’re going to be
there.”
“S’okay, Angel. We have plenty
of time and these feeling aren’t going anywhere. I’m glad about the party.
They’ve kinda grown on me too and I wanna say goodbye this time.”
Angel shifted uncomfortably. Maybe
he’d have time for a shower first. A cold one.
“Guess we’d better go face the
music.”
“Literally.”
The thought of the party was
like a douse of cold water.
“Jesus, Spike. Do you know how
much I hate parties? Why the hell am I putting myself through this?” He sighed.
“Because you love me?” He
pouted.
Angel gave a small laugh,
delighted to hear Spike finally accepting the truth.
“Jeez, you’re gonna be
manipulating me with those words and that look for the rest of my unlife,
aren’t you?”
Spike merely waited and Angel
knew he still needed the reassurance. Maybe he always would.
“Yes. Because I love you.” He
agreed.
Spike nodded in satisfaction and
reached for the glass that had been untouched until now, he raised it slightly
in salute and knocked back the contents in a gulp, hoping to quench the fire
that had been smouldering inside. Bubbles and fizz built up in his gut and
exploded in a gratifyingly manly belch. Angel rolled his eyes and Spike
smirked, gazing out of the windows. No more talk of desire and gradually the
heavy, heated atmosphere dissipated, leaving lingering warmth. Instead, they
enjoyed undemanding companionship as they drank fizzy wine and nibbled on
sweet, creamy chocolates. It felt good to have someone to share the simple
stuff with.
Spike looked out on streets he
knew so well. He felt as if he was drunk or high. He was being fed chocolates
and champagne, floating in leather and luxury gazing at his home city. Most
extraordinary of all, Angel was looking at him as though he was something precious
and words of love were still ringing between them. He watched a party of girls
drift by. They were dressed as cowboys and spinning fake guns, laughing so hard
they had tears on their face.
“What are you thinking?”
“Thinking I love this place.
It’s got bits of every city in the world mixed in. Italian architecture and
American diners. It’s the only city in the world where everyone can fit in.
It’s full of eccentrics and clashing cultures and yet in the end it all bubbles
down to just being
Angel guts clenched.
“You don’t want to leave.” His
brain was whirring in panic. “I get that. I do. It’s selfish to assume you’ll
just drop everything and join me. But it doesn’t have to be
Spike listened to this flood of
anxious words with affection.
“Angel. I’m coming back with
you. It’s my home town that’s all and I’m proud to come from somewhere like
this. Don’t you feel like that about
“I’ve, uh, never been able to
face going back. I kinda decimated the place.”
“Huh. So you bear scars too. You
always seem so strong.”
“Sometimes the scars are all
that hold me together.”
“Not anymore. You’ve got me to
help hold you together. One day we’ll go to
Angel looked at him trustingly.
“Ok. One day.”
The car stopped.
“Is this it? It looks like it
should contain apartments.”
It was a fairly imposing town
house. Spike nodded
“Most of the others do but this
one was never converted.”
“It must be worth a fortune.”
“S’pose.”
It felt weird having Angel cross
over into this life he’d begun to make for himself.
“Come on in.”
Angel looked around curiously
and compared it with what they had in
“You know, when we get back…”
Spike began to laugh.
“Yeah, sure. We’ll go finish
that shopping trip we began a couple of lifetimes ago.”
Angel caught his breath.
“It has been for you, hasn’t it?
Two life times ago? You died as Spike and you died as William.”
“Yeah. So, no Spike and no
William. What does that make me now?”
Angel looked at the lean, blonde
vampire, confident, strong and sexy yet uncertain and sweetly vulnerable. So
many questions hidden in the depths of his eyes. Spike. His soon to be lover.
Complex and confusing and…
“Mine.” He replied quietly.
The door crashed open with
perfect timing and human noise and scents burst around them. They were singing
that bloody song. It sounded like a few of the slayers had also got wind of the
party because they were joining in enthusiastically with the female part.
One of the girls was laughing.
“Lord, I’d have loved to have
seen that.”
“He was bloody stotting!”
“Damned brave man that doctor of
his.”
“He’s not a doctor, he’s Angel.”
They began singing again.
Spike listened in horror.
“Christ. It wasn’t my favourite
song to begin with…”
“I know. Sorry. I tried to find
a punk one but the words never really… and to be honest the music…”
“Yeah. Three chord songs and a
mouthful of profanities. Still, I kinda needed my rep, Peaches. You’d better
think of a way to restore it.”
The door to the living room
banged open.
“William! So this him is it?”
“Yeah. Angel, Mick. Mick,
Angel.”
There was some tension.
“Will’s been my best friend,
like forever.”
Angel nearly growled. He had no doubt
about what the human was doing. The man was asserting a prior claim on Spike.
He affected an air of superior nonchalance.
“Really? Spike, never mentioned
you.”
Spiked eyed them both warily.
“Okaaay. So, this is Deej.”
Angel was suddenly surrounded by
warm limbs as Deej threw himself around him.
“You’re even more delicious in
real life!”
Angel mouthed at Spike,
“Delicious?”
Spike gave a wicked grin.
“Yeah, he is isn’t he?”
Mick caught the exchange and
looked between the two. His rising hackles gradually smoothed. He’d hated Angel
for a while now. He’d never asked Will about Angel’s rejection but had despised
him for the pain he’d caused his friend. Now he could almost see the tendrils
of their bond and sighed. Who was he to judge? William was happy now.
“Any friend of Will’s has to
endure Deej, as well. Sorry, Mate. Just the way it is.” Mick laughed.
Angel struggled to disentangle
himself, whilst Spike sniggered at his discomfort.
“So you leaving us again then
Will?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Keep in touch this time? Let us
know how you are.”
Spike nodded, not sure if he
would or not. He knew the friendship had been created out of nothing and they
didn’t really fit into his
Angel must have sensed something
of his dilemma because his eyes were boring holes into him as though he could
drill inside Spike’s head and see what was going on. And maybe he did. He
turned to Mick.
“You’ll have to come and visit.
I know Spike will miss you.”
“I might just do that. Make sure
that you’re treating our boy right.”
“Good. That’s decided. Wait a
few weeks until we get a bit settled and then you’re welcome.”
Mick moved off more contented
than when he’d entered the room.
“Luv?”
“Hmmm?”
“Thank you.”
“You need your friends too.
People who ‘get’ you.”
“I only said that cus I needed
to leave.”
“I figured. But it’s also kind
of true.”
The night continued without
incident. A slayer actually managed to attract one of Spike’s friends and odds
were being calculated and bets brokered. Angel glanced at his watch.
“Spike? Have you got your things
packed?”
“My spare jeans, black T and red
shirt?”
“Yeah, right. I’ve seen the
clothes you’ve been wearing recently. Go pack them. I want you to be able to
wear them for me.”
Spike looked at him in surprise
and then his tongue curled between his lips. Angel was mesmerised by that pink
piece of flesh.
“Ok. But why do I have to do it
now?”
He nearly said that it was
because the car would be here in half an hour to take them to the airport. Then
changed his mind and decided to test something.
“Because I want you to, and you
love me.”
“What?”
“Cus you love me.”
Spike looked as though he was
going to resist but then turned and stomped up the stairs swearing and cursing
manipulative wankers. Angel filed away the reaction with interest. Only to be
used in emergencies obviously… He ran up to help and admitted to his pouting
childe that it would be time to leave soon.
“We’ll fly during the day?”
“Yeah. Going first class. I’m
your doctor and you have a skin complaint. Extremely sensitive to light.
They’re rigging some sort of curtain affair for us.”
“Christ. I think I’d rather
travel in a coffin.”
“Yeah, but then you wouldn’t get
the free alcohol…”
Spike thought about it, weighing
up the pros and cons before reaching his decision.
“I’m sure it’ll be a really
sturdy curtain.”
oooo
Angel suppressed a smile as
Spike lit up yet another cigarette, attempting to hide how jittery he was. They
were finally going home. And what a hell of a journey it had been.
“You, ok?” He asked.
Spike wobbled his hand and Angel
understood. The ramifications of the permanent soul were beginning to sink in.
There was nothing left to hide behind, no excuses. All that was left was the
two of them. It was almost scary. Correction. It was terrifying. And
exhilarating. It was freefalling and both of them were waiting to hit the
ground, because that’s the way it seemed to work for them.
“It’s going to be alright. You
know that?”
Spike hadn’t stopped talking for
the first few hours and now Angel could hardly get a word out of him. He drew
in another lungful of nicotine and nodded.
“Course.”
They fell into silence again as
Angel swung the car off the freeway.
“Just need to get home.” Spike
clarified. “Get back to normal. Whatever that is.”
Then a sly smile lit up his
face.
“Our first time alone, eh
Peaches.”
Angel’s face closed down and a
small frown appeared. Spike noticed.
“What’s the matter?”
Probably better to tell him now.
“I want you to stay calm, ok?”
Spike just gazed at him, a small
crease appearing between his dark brows. He tapped a cylinder of ash through
the window.
“Go on.”
“I’m doing it for the best.”
“Ok.”
There wasn’t really an easy way
to do this. Angel sighed. He could see that Spike was beginning to get tense.
“Bleedin’ hell! Will you just
tell me already?”
They were travelling down the
road and approaching their house.
“I am. I will. It’s just that,
you know, back home...”
He could see that Spike’s
limited patience was near snapping point.
“Buffy’s there.”
Spike took another lungful of
smoke and smouldering nicotine. Well he hadn’t freaked yet, which had to be
good.
“It’s still my home too, right?”
Angel nodded his agreement. Of
course it was.
“I don’t want her there.”
“It’s too late. So you’ll have
to see her whatever. See them.” He corrected.
“Them…”
“Yeah.”
“If they’re staying then I’m
not.”
“Jeez. Do you have to make this
so difficult? They’re not staying. Just visiting.”
“How long for?”
“I guess it depends how
uncomfortable you make them feel.”
“So they won’t be there long
then.”
They were bouncing along the
drive and the soothing atmosphere was weaving its magic tendrils around them
and some of the tension began melting away. The place had that affect on them.
Spike began to feel like a prat, but was unwilling to back down.
“It’s one thing after another
with you, ain’t it? When do I get time to catch my breath?”
“You don’t need to breathe.”
Angel was only attempting to
lighten the atmosphere but realised he just sounded facetious. Spike gave him a
look of disbelief.
“Cheers. Just what I need.”
“Sorry.”
“They here now?”
“Yeah.”
Spike got out of the car, straightened
his shoulders and masked his face in indifference.
“Showtime.”
Angel watched as he withdrew
behind his Spike persona.
“It’s not about putting on a
show…”
“You’ve forced this on to me,
Angel. Well, strictly speaking, Buffy forced this on to me. Now I’ve gotta
handle it the only way I know how. So let’s go.”
oooo
Buffy waited anxiously. She
tried to swallow it down. It was only Spike and he’d loved her, like, forever.
It took more than one little thing for a love like that to suddenly click off. Except
maybe this wasn’t so little. Angel had told her how the baby had been used
against him. Told her how Spike had tried to stake Angelus to save him. She
looked down at the sleeping face, the delicate crescent of his lashes casting
shadows upon his cheeks. She’d sent Angel to hell to save the world. Spike had
also made the decision to kill Angel but he did it for this child. How he must
hate the baby for that. The way she’d hated the world for a very long time
after pushing the sword through Angel’s body.
She heard the car and peered out
of the window. The headlights were switched off and a rush of anxiety flooded
through her. She hadn’t seen Spike since the fight against hell. Since then
he’d experienced a different variety of hell. Would it have changed him? Being
tortured by Angelus for weeks must surely have changed him. Part of her wanted
to run and not have to face this. She didn’t want to see the coldness in his
face or the rejection in his eyes. But she’d played her part in Spike’s drama
and now it was time to face the consequences.
She heard the front door opening
and she no longer had the option of running away. Buffy trusted Angel, but she
was fairly certain that this was a really bad idea. A bad, bad idea. Bordering
on terrible. Oh God. Showtime.
Angel entered first and gave her
a reassuring smile. Her mouth wobbled on the edge of a smile and then he was
there. They looked at each other for a second with Angel tensely watching over
them.
“Hey, Slayer. How’s it going?”
He cocked his head to one side
and Buffy could have cried with relief that he was being so normal. She began
to relax slightly.
“It’s, well, not exactly peaches
and cream, but you know, getting there.”
“Yeah? Heard you had a hard time
of it.”
Angel shifted awkwardly, but
Spike ignored his discomfort.
“I guess.”
She found it difficult to talk
about. Should she say how often she awoke to darkness, gasping for air, certain
she was trapped in a coffin? Or how many times she had dreamt that her son had
been taken again, and she would have to lift him from his cot and curl up
around him just to be sure he was still there in the morning? Instead she
shrugged.
“You know me. I’m a survive-y
thing.”
Spike frowned, as if confused.
“Survive-y thing?” He slowly
nodded his understanding. “Oh, like a cockroach?”
Buffy stiffened a look of hurt
flashing in her eyes. Angel gave a frown. Maybe this hadn’t been such a good
idea.
Spike just shrugged.
“Sorry. Couldn’t think of any
other natural survivors.”
She put her hands on her hips
and thrust her jaw out belligerently.
“Well there’s you. Guess that
makes us two cockroaches together?”
It definitely wasn’t a good
idea. Too early. Too early for both of them.
A smile tugged reluctantly at
the corners of Spike’s mouth.
“You’re right there, Pet. No one
steps on us, eh?
Buffy gradually relaxed and
returned the smile.
“Not if they wanna take another
step they don’t.”
Angel’s stress levels began to
return to normal.
Buffy looked across and all she
could see was the Spike she’d always known, the William she had reluctantly
left behind. She wanted to reach out and hold him, apologise, tell him she’d
never meant to hurt him.
He could see the way her eyes
were softening as she gazed at him. He blinked and turned away and then wished
he hadn’t. His eyes fell on the travel cot and his breath hitched. He wanted to
walk out now. He’d been good, played his part, surely that was enough? His eyes
turned to Angel. Angel shook his head.
“I’ll go heat up some blood for
us. It’s been a while. We need to eat.”
Spike stared at him, his eyes
pleading for him not to go. Angel turned to walk out and then changed his mind.
He walked back to Spike, took a hand and kissed him.
“You’re doing great.” He
whispered softly. “Jeez. So proud of you.”
Spike felt his panic subside and
he nodded that he was ok. Angel slowly released his hand and left.
Buffy stared at them. She knew
that they cared for each other, but to actually see it… and now that she had
seen, she knew that she had lost. She realised that they had always hung over
her future like a question mark, a lingering thought that maybe one day she
would choose one of them, now she realised it was only ever a pipe-dream.
They’d moved on and it was never going to happen. She was the loser in all this
and it made her want cry out her loss. They had each other and it was plain in
every look and every gesture that her two loves were as far beyond her as the
moon. Yet how could it be otherwise? They belonged to the night, whereas she
was a creature of sun and belonged to the day. She looked at her child.
Moonlight and sunbeams met in him and she would find comfort in that.
Spike turned back to her and
could see fleeting distress pass over her face.
“What? What’s wrong, Pet?”
She shook her head. Spike
sighed, moved towards her, opened his arms and invited her in. She stood there
for a second before burying her face in his neck. She felt so familiar. He
breathed in the scent of her hair. It smelt like sunshine and warmth
“I’m sorry, Spike. So sorry. I
should have told you. I wanted to surprise you.”
Spike remembered his disbelief
when Angelus had shared with him.
“Well you succeeded.”
“It must have been awful for
you, finding out like that…”
“It was…” He didn’t know what to
say. “…uh, just a bit of a shock. Why didn’t you say?”
Buffy gave a sniff.
“It’s not like I meant to be all
secret squirrel girl.” She sighed. “After the battle it was still too early. I
didn’t really believe it myself until I had my first scan and saw this tiny
piece of humanity on the monitor. I wanted to tell you. I was so happy. I
wanted to babble it out to you. But it wasn’t the time. You were focused on
finding Angelus. Then suddenly it was too late. You were gone.”
Her grip tightened painfully.
“I thought you were gone.” She
whispered. “And you’d never know what you’d left behind. You’d never know you
had a son.”
She was blinking back tears but
he had to ask the question that plagued him.
“Why did you do it?”
She looked at him in disbelief.
“Uh, why do you think?”
His arms fell from her and he took
a step backwards, pulling out his fags. A flash of a frown passed over his
features as he cast an oblique look at the little cot, he gave a grunt of
annoyance and tucked them back in his pocket. Forced to confront this without
his barrier of smoke and attitude he turned away instead, looking out of a
window into the darkness beyond.
“Well?”
“I don’t know. I know you said
you gradually came to love me but you were never in love with me. Why would you
do this with someone you weren’t in love with? I know Angel is the love of your
life. But you couldn’t have him could you?” He said quietly. “So you decided to
take me instead. Makes him almost like the grandfather dunnit? Another
connection to him.”
Buffy listened to the words in
astonishment and a slow boiling rage started to build up inside. Her teeth
clenched in fury.
“Well, gee! Thanks Spike.” She
answered brightly.
“Just tell it like I see it,
Slayer.”
“Guess I know where I stand
then.”
“Guess we both do.”
“I’ll be going now.”
She meant to pick up her baby
and leave with dignity but the sight of his stubborn back infuriated her so
much that instead she caught his arm and whipped him around.
“You’re a pig, Spike! I don’t
know what I ever saw in you.”
“Something you could hurt and
shag, or don’t you remember?”
She looked into crystal hard
eyes and realised that this wasn’t the Spike she’d come to know. This was the
chipped vampire, defenceless and vulnerable, hiding his weakness behind an
armoury of leather and words and aggressive posturing. Her anger drained away.
“Don’t do this.” She brushed a
hand over his face. “Don’t you know why I did it? Don’t you know how much I
care? I’m not in love with you. I see you as you are. You’re brave and loving,
prickly and defensive. You want people to care for you but at the same time you
push them away. Why do you do that?”
Spike just stared at her and the
hard blue crystal splintered to her words.
“I see you clearly with your
strengths and your flaws and I love you Spike. You have no idea how much. When
I decided to do this my first thought was making you happy, my second, to make
me happy. Angel never even made it to last thought. It wasn’t about him.” She
attempted a smile. “It was just you. And when we lay together, I promise you,
there was not a single thought of Angel in my head.”
“I…” He stopped.
“You don’t know what being loved
means do you?” She kept her voice strong and free from pity or sympathy but it
was broke her up inside to know someone as affectionate as Spike had lived a
hundred years in a loveless world.
“Don’t be afraid of it, Spike.
Don’t push us away.”
She reached for his hand and
pulled him over to the sleeping bundle.
“See? He’s perfect. Don’t shut
him out.”
Spike finally looked at the
baby. Listened to gentle baby snores. Inhaled the soft scents of baby talc and
milk. Watched as little hands clenched into miniature fists, as though he were
waiting to take on the world.
He reached down and gently
stroked a finger across petal soft skin.
Splintered crystal shattered and
fell with the touch.
“Mine?” His voice caught in his
throat.
Buffy couldn’t speak so she
nodded at him.
“Angel said you named him after
my Dad…”
“Yeah… I wasn’t sure but then I
looked up the meaning.”
“Yeah?”
“It means ‘God remembers’.”
Spike blinked.
“Pet? I wasn’t created by God. I
don’t think He sees me at all.”
“You’re wrong. There is
something in this world, call it God or call it Powers That Be, they see you.
He’s here to remind you, however lost you get, you’re never forgotten.”
She was rewarded with one of
Spike’s genuine smiles that occasionally escaped him.
“Thank you. It’s a beautiful
name, Luv.”
“Do you want to hold him?”
He slowly nodded and she smiled
and dug the sleeping bundle from his nest. Spike reached out and held his child
with all the awkwardness of a new parent.
The innocence and helplessness
wrenched at his heart and he had the overwhelming need to protect this
slumbering piece of humanity. Such purity should never be corrupted. He cradled
the precious warmth to his body. The baby’s heart was strong and beat rhythmically
against his breast, reverberating though his body. It was as though holding his
child brought life to him.
Here was his touchstone with
humanity. He could be gone tomorrow but his bit of forever was suspended in the
code of human blood that pulsed through the veins of his child.
Angel listened from outside the
door. He’d never heard such softness in Spike’s voice.
“Hey there. Nice to meet you,
Zachary. I’m Spike. Your Dad.”
A/N: Thank you so much for sticking
with me through it all! I do hope you enjoyed it. Although I’ve called this
the end, I think ending with Spike, Buffy and Zachary together and poor Angel
listening outside makes it a little inconclusive. Please let me know what
you think of the series generally and I’d be interested if you have any opinions
about the ending (I’m kind of debating one more chapter…). ::Hugs:: for reading.
Stakeaclaim.