If You Dare ... Ask A Man What He Is Thinking....

       The question this time, from the men's side of table: what should you do when the women you're with asks you: "What Are You Thinking?"

       Every male in the world has had to deal with this question, which is more often than not uncorked at entirely inappropriate times, such as when you are watching sports, locked in a passionate embrace, or reeling in a feisty marlin from the Gulf of Mexico.

Regardless of what you're doing, you must come up with a complete and satisfactory answer, or stand accused of hiding your true feelings. Which means, of course, you'll spend the next week pretending to be sorry. So you've got to come up with something. And it had better be good.

       Now, the obvious question here is: WHY do women want to know what we're thinking? Simple: they assume we're thinking in the first place. Hard to believe, but there it is. Why on earth would they
       think that? Well, go up to a woman and ask her what she is thinking. I have just done so with my wife,  and this is what she is thinking about:
 

       "Off the top of my head, I'm thinking about the party we're having Saturday, and how I'm going to fix that chandelier in the front room so that people can walk around without hitting their heads.

Underneath that, I'm thinking about my work schedule this week and whether or not I'm going to have time to do some of the things I need to do at home as well.

And under that, I'm wondering if it's too late to get tickets on a plane to Ohio for Christmas;

AND I'm thinking about getting a snack."
 
 

       Not only is she thinking about something, she's thinking about four separate things. If I check back in five minutes, she'll still be thinking. Women are always thinking, and often about practical things.

       Men, on the other hand, are actively thinking for about five minutes out of every hour (usually not in sequence). So, at best, you have a one in 12 chance of catching a man actually having a thought.

       What are we thinking about?

       1. Sex
       2. Food
       3. Steve Miller tunes
       4. Sports
       5. "Beavis and Butthead"
       6. Sex
       7. Work
       8. The black unknowable nothingness that frames our existence,
       and whether a benevolent and omnipotent higher power can possibly exist
       within it
       9. Sleep
       10. Sex

       In summary, randomly asking a man what he's thinking has precisely a 0.83%
       chance of turning up a real, verifiable, honest-to-God thought.

       You might as well bet on the New York Jets. Sound harsh, guys? Fine. Quick what are you thinking? Had to think about it, didn't you. You lose. Sit down.

       Despite the overwhelming evidence that men, in fact,  are almost never thinking, women will still demand to know their innermost thoughts. In a way, it's touching; women are expressing faith that, if
       prodded long enough and frequently enough, they may yet boost the number of times we think in an
       hour. And they will. Unfortunately, most of what we'll be thinking is "stop asking me what I'm thinking." And that's just going to get us in trouble.

       The best way to keep a woman from constantly asking you what you are thinking is to have a ready, pre-memorized answer for the times that she does. Here are some tried and true responses, with the
       pros and cons of each:

       "I'm thinking that tonight it'd be nice to stay at home and sit by the fire together."

       Pros: Romantic; Sounds as if you're spontaneous.

       Cons: Requires fireplace (or a cement floor and
 ventilation); Romantic
       moments often prompt even more "What are you thinking"
       queries.
 

       "I'm thinking how much I love you."

       Pros: Generally provokes a positive response that
       short circuits any need
       for further conversation; Is often also true.

       Cons: If you use it too much, she'll know it's a
       line, and then you're
       really in trouble.
 

       "I was wondering if there is actually life on other planets."

       Pros: Cosmic; Shows you are a deep thinker.

       Cons: Woman may wonder if this is an intro to the
       same sort of "alien
       sigmoidoscopy" story that ruined her last
       relationship.

       "I was imagining, if I were an animal, what sort of
       animal I'd be."

       Pros: Imaginative; Allows woman to spend many happy
       minutes trying to
       establish your place in the animal kingdom.

       Cons: She might think you resemble a marmoset or
       skink; She may forgo the
       animal world altogether and go straight to yeasts.

       "I'm just thinking about how true the lyrics to 'Dust
       in the Wind' really are."

       Pros: Shows depth of musical knowledge; As last
       resort to forestall
       conversation, you may break out into song.

       Cons: If she's a connoisseur of 70s melodic rock, you
       may find yourself in a
       bitter, divisive quarrel about which is deeper,
       "Dust" or Aerosmith's "Dream
       On".

       Keep in mind that these responses are not to supersede an actual thought -
       If you find yourself having one at the moment she asks, go ahead and share it, as long as it's not something along the lines of "This relationship  blows" or "I really like margarine". With a little
       practice, you should come out okay.

       But, hey. That's just what I think.