~Joss’ Last Stand~
Author’s Note: Hey guys! My
Buffy muse Lillith had this nutty idea and I hope you enjoy it. Anyway, love
you all and please review. Oh and a special thanks to Megan and Iz for reading
and commenting.
Disclaimer: I don’t own them and
if I did… I’d take over the world!
A large, dark show set is being worked over by the janitors on the last few hours of the night shift. On the side, a muscular frame is hunched over a messy desk, sketching away, obviously tense and angry. Joss Whedon watches happily as the distraught man turns the another page in the pad and glares at him while beginning yet another drawing of the same beautiful girl. His dark brown eyes are full of pain and guilt. Amused chuckles sound from the general area of the creative genius, and the spike-haired man lifts his head to favor Joss with a venom-filled look. His pencil bites into the paper and breaks as he suddenly stabs it down.
“Forget it.” He stands up, stepping forward with dark grace. “I’m not doing it.”
“What do you mean?” Joss asks, startled. “You have to. It’s time Buffy gets a new love interest… and you go elsewhere to brood and have many women drool over you.” Angel, the one and only vampire with a soul and the blonde Slayer’s lover, allows a small smirk to grace his lips before advancing on the hapless producer like a stalking predator.
“Oh no it’s not!” he replies, his boots clunking ominously with every word. He moves closer, lethal fists clenched with an ever-growing fury. “She’s mine. I’m hers. And you’re minus a brain.” His right hand flies out, smashing into Joss’ chest with a hard thunk. He stumbles back a step and whimpers quietly. Angel spins around, allowing his foot to slam into his opponent’s stomach. He is thrown back into the wall and his inert body sinks to the ground painfully. He laughs to himself as his quick fingers grab at Joss’ collar, bonking his head back into the hard surface. Angel can almost picture the tiny birds flittering around the vacuous head as the man rubs at the sore spot.
“Ok now listen well, you demon spawn,” Angel says, slightly distracted by the bloody visions of Joss’ demise dancing in his mind. “I will not break up with my Beloved and I will not leave town. In fact, I will ask her to move in with me and we will search for a spell to anchor my soul, together! You can figure out whatever you want to do with our ‘love-interests’ but I am taking back my rightful place.” His statements are underlined by his heel prodding Joss’ ribs casually. He shivers, knowing that the casual prodding could easily turn into a violent push.
“Oh and quit with the stupid make-up, break-up storyline. That’s not us and everyone but you knows it.” His foot rises up to right under the fallen man’s nose and slowly continues up, pushing the head back. Joss moans pitifully. “You can’t take a relationship like Buffy and I have and degrade it the way you have been doing without eventual, and very painful, retaliation.” The boot crashes into Joss’ nose quickly, leaving a bloody trail on his face. The grunts of pain echo through the large area as the well built, dangerous vampire walks to a closet and pulls open a drawer. Joss struggles to stand up when a small object passes his neck narrowly to slice into the side of his turtleneck, effectively nailing him to the wall. Angel smirks, re-loading the crossbow and belting two swords to his back.
“I haven’t been fighting for the last two hundred years for nothing. I learned a few things along the way,” he mocks, preparing to release the second bolt. It is launched into the air in the next moment and Joss freezes. It slides into the wall easily and takes the left side of the shirt with it. “I am going to teach you to mess with my Beloved. You can’t break up people just to boost ratings. You just can’t. And especially the way you want to do it.” He breathes in heavily as he fishes out a stake from his pocket and lets it fly. “And as if anyone would ever believe that I could walk away from the only person who shone a light on my dreary existence or that I’d survive doing so. I can’t live without her!” he cries out, and another stake leaves his hand. “You can’t break apart soul-mates so easily.” He advances again, twirling the newly unsheathed swords…
~*~
“… and no one messes with my girlfriend and gets away with it,” he yells out at the bloody man, lying helplessly pinned against the wall. “How could you ever think I could let go of Buffy? She is beautiful and brave and talented and sweet and amazing… Moron,” he mutters the last word to himself, kicking Joss idly.
Applause breaks over the room. He spins around to face his girlfriend’s smiling eyes, the rest of the group featuring hazily in the corner of his vision. “Didn’t know you felt that way, my Angel,” she intones softly, winking at him. Her hands slip around his waist, trapping him in her tight, loving embrace.
He clasps his arms around her petite body and offers her a half-smile. “Sure you didn’t.”
“So what happened here?” Willow Rosenberg, the resident witch, walks over to the couple and the bleeding idiot.
Angel shrugs his broad shoulders carelessly. “He wanted me to break up with Buffy before the Prom and then leave her after Graduation and go to LA.”
Willow’s eyes blaze. “Want me to put a spell on him and make it hurt?” she asks Buffy, whose bright, angry gaze travels over the evil one who wants to take away her lover while her grasp on his muscular body tightens quickly.
“Ah guys,” Xander Harris, the Zeppo, interrupts, “don’t you think Angel’s already taken care of that?”
“I believe that the boy is correct on that account,” Rupert Giles, former Watcher sometimes known as Ripper, comments thoughtfully.
Whoosh! Cordelia Chase’s bag empties onto the terrible moron, with heavy textbooks, make-up, and many random objects raining down in a merciless shower. Joss squeals with each impact.
“Why?” Oz, Willow’s boyfriend and the resident werewolf and guitarist, asks the brunette, in his usual brisk manner.
“He was going to make me go to LA to work for Angel and a drunken half-demon and I hate his stupid plan!” the cheerleader bellows happily. “And now it’s over. Sorry Angel, but you’re not my first choice for a boss.”
“And why is that?” an amused, lilting voice calls out from the door. A short, strangely dressed brunet walks in, carrying a duffel bag. He is followed by a pretty, but stupid looking blonde, a simply stupid blond, a muscular, young man with a dangerous looking axe, and a strange green demon with overly red lips.
“Who are you?” Anya, the ex-vengeance demon asks, suspiciously.
“Alan Francis Doyle, at your service milady,” he replies, smiling. “The drunken half-demon Delia is crowing about.” Cordelia looks him over carefully, speculating over something. Finally, she smiles.
The pretty blonde bimbo giggles. “I’m Kate and I hate vampires… and that’s when I believe in them.” Her eyes light on Angel and she bounces to him. Buffy’s eyes narrow dangerously, her faint suspicions about Angel’s new love-interests solidifying.
The hideous blond follows Kate and his washed out, pale eyes fixate on Buffy. “I’m Riley Finn and I’m from Iowa.” Angel quickly realizes that this boy is his Joss-appointed competition and growls under his breath. Buffy sighs and lays her head on his shoulder.
The young man steps forward. “I’m Charles Gunn and I’m supposed to work with Angel in season two. I heard he’s not coming and so I’m here.” Angel appraises the fighter slowly and nods with approval.
The green demon approaches the couple easily. “I’m Lorne and my tale is the same as Gunn’s. I’m an anagogic demon and I think I like it here.” Buffy giggles at her boyfriend’s strange back-up group and he shakes his head in amusement, accepting the demon’s offer with a single glance.
Wesley Wyndham-Pryce, the stuffy but attractive Watcher, who has been watching the proceedings quietly, steps forward and hesitantly calls Buffy’s name. She looks up at him from Angel’s shoulder, raising an eyebrow.
“I was wondering if it is possible for me to stay on since Angel is not leaving?” he asks. “I am supposed to join him in LA in season two as well and now I’m just out of a job.” The Chosen One bites her lip and nods. He beams back at her.
A loud, crashing noise sounds near the door and a leather-clad brunette appears.
“Faith!”
“Hey,” the rogue Slayer offers hesitantly. “I have something to say so please, please hear me out…”
“This better be good, young lady,” Joyce Summers, the wayward mother of Slayer number one, snaps.
The girl stares into the ground. “I’m really sorry. I never wanted to be evil. He made me!” The finger of blame is pointed at Joss. Buffy, realizing just how evil the man really is, flashes an understanding smile at her sister-Slayer, who returns it hesitantly. The Scoobies, minus Kate, Riley, and Joyce, exchange evil looks and break into a run.
“Kawabunga!” Xander yells as he drops onto the man, WWF style. Anya laughs as she jumps onto Joss’ chest. Giles drives his heels into a soft spot and smiles. Lorne spins in a strange dance move which lands him, with a crunch, on an arm.
“We’re back, and it’s for good!” Angel calls out as he swings Buffy into his arms and whoops as he leaps onto the villain with all the force of their combined weight. Doyle grabs Cordy from behind and they tumble down, both laughing. Oz offers Willow his hand and they jump together. Gunn allows Faith ahead of him and follows her with a war cry, ending up somewhat on top of her. Wesley is last, landing on the last bit of free space on Joss, who protests, sobbing pitifully. All he gets in return is laughter.
Buffy smiles at her gorgeous boyfriend and traces her fingers over his gelled spikes. He smiles and runs a finger over her delicate skin gently before lifting his head up to kiss the side of her mouth briefly. The brief contact leaves Buffy unsatisfied and she lowers her head to deepen the kiss.
“Get a room!” Xander comments, with the others agreeing loudly. The couple ignores them and continues to kiss, hands roaming over the thin barriers between them. Gunn grumbles as he starts to pull Joss from under Angel and Buffy. The others help him roll over the melded couple. Oz deftly unhooks the daggers and Doyle drags Joss toward the big office by his feet. The others trail behind. Faith pushes open the door and the horrible evil one is thrown on the floor.
“Listen up and listen good,” Willow orders. “You will write Angel and Buffy back together. You will write Faith back to good. You will write Cordelia, Gunn, Doyle and Lorne into the next season. You will write Riley and Kate out. You will do it and you will do it now!” she roars. Anya claps. They all laugh and leave the office, locking it carefully. Joss glances at the door nervously and gets straight to work.
Suddenly Riley and Kate find themselves in the villains’ dressing room. Drusilla’s dark eyes open widely and she smiles.
The Scoobies get the kissing couple and leave to get some lunch because Xander wants donuts.
From that moment on, they always get scripts that are specifically tailored to their demands and that pattern continues until the End of Days comes and Angel gets his Shanshu. Then, they all decide to retire, along with their new friend Tara, and move to Hawaii, where they all live happily ever after. Oh and Buffy and Angel… well, they still kiss way too much in public. Not that Oz and Willow, Xander and Anya, Gunn and Faith, Wesley and Tara, Giles and Olivia, or Cordy and Doyle are any better…
The End. And a whole bunch of kisses.
Oh, PS. In Hawaii, Lorne buys a very successful karaoke bar right near a large mansion, officially owned by Angel Summers. And everything is fine until the said mansion owner tries to sing…
Ok, now we’re done.
Wild-Melody: Oh no we’re not!
ScarletDeva: Huh? Sure we are. Everyone is happy now…
W-M: Na-ah. I want to know what happens next.
SD: But… but the story is over…
W-M: You’re the author. You can make it be un-over. <She gets out a large spork and waves it in the air.>
SD: <She backs away carefully> Yes ma’am. Part two coming up…
And so our story continues…
TBC…