by Samantha, aka Artemis
Do your review boxes remain empty week after week save for a few flames, messages which read, 'this sux!' or 'thats gud'? Well, this may be because your writing stinks. Or it may be because your summary and title aren't catchy enough, and your story is on the wrong subject. Let's go with the latter reason.
Ten Easy Steps to a Popular ff.net Story:
1. Your summary should read as follows:
'Legolas sat in the beautiful forest listening to the birds sing. He was not wearing a shirt...'
Do NOT write 'plz R&R' or 'Review!!!!' People will think you are desperate. Instead, act as though you are such a good author that you are certain of reviews, and give the above summary to draw them into the story. If you want males to read the story too, put in a bit of violence, such as:
'Legolas stood in a beautiful forest battling hordes of vicious Uruk-hai, hacking with his sword. He was not wearing a shirt...'
If you write that in your summary, I guarantee you will get multitudes of reviews, providing,
2. You write the story well.
By well, I do not mean you have to have a plot. Plots are for people with way too much time on their hands, and frankly, no one wants to devote their time to trying to understand the plot of a story some random person on ff.net wrote. Just put in plenty of Legolas and other lust objects, and battles if you want to attract males to your story. Or, you could
3. Make your story humorous.
By humorous, we do not mean Tolkien humor, wherein Frodo says something like
"Ah, Sam, I do wish for the Shire... I miss everything, especially the good ale." He looked at Sam sadly. Sam chuckled.
"Oh, Mr. Frodo," he said, "You sure are a barrel of laughs."
They walked silently on into Mordor.
See? That isn't funny at all. No, what you want are plenty of postmodern interpretations and sexual innuendoes, and also all the characters have to be cheerful, as if they have just had a lot of caffeine. Jokes about pipeweed are always fun as well. For example:
"Yo Sam, I really wish I was in the Shire, man. All those babes and pipeweed! Whoa, there was that one time [insert amusing anecdote about pipeweed and girls, remembering to use pipe as a dirty metaphor]." He turned to Sam with a big grin on his face.
"Yeah dude, that was sure funny, man. And there was that time [insert another, even dirtier anecdote]. Hey," he added, giggling, "Let's go back to the Shire, man. This whole ring thing is really a drag."
Now that's comedy. What does Tolkien know, anyway?
Also, you should
4. Rate your story G,
because then everyone will have access to it. However, make sure to say the rating will go up in later chapters because of graphic violence and sex. That will make anyone read your story. Also,
5. Put Legolas as Character One.
Legolas is the most-searched name on ff.net. This is just a guess on my part, actually, but I'm willing to bet it's true. This is because people think elves are really cool, so you should
6. Have Elves in your story.
No one wants to hear about boring, average people, hairy Hobbits or God forbid ugly Dwarves. No, they want tall, lithe, hot Elves all over the story, shooting arrows and generally looking cool. Feel free to make up their names, as who needs to look at an Elvish dictionary anyway? Your readers will never know the difference. But even though Elves are immortal,
7. Don't make the story too long.
People get bored if you go on and on. If your story is longer than 500 words, you have an obligation to provide at least six bloody yet cool fights and at least ten sex scenes. And this should all take place over the course of at least twenty chapters, because
8. You should make your chapters as numerous and short as possible.
Think about it. Who wants to read a chapter 6,000 words long? It's definitely better to have many short chapters, posted at regular intervals. As well as being easy to follow, it will guarantee you a ton of reviews, as your story will always be right at the top of the list on ff.net and people will comment on each chapter, even if it's only ten words long. Speaking of words,
9. Don't use difficult language.
I know Tolkien used archaic and complex language. But that's no reason for you to use it! No, what you want is modern language and words so short even a moderately intelligent weasel could comprehend them. That way, your reader will feel smart and you won't have to crack a dictionary or learn Elvish.
This brings us to the last step, which is...
10. Entitle your story,
'How to Write a Story Everyone Will Read.' Let's face it, everyone wants to write a story everyone else will read. Why else are you reading this? After all, I just wrote this story so you would all read it.
Disclaimer: I own these steps, but I don't own anything Tolkien ever wrote about. I don't own Bilbo, even though he is living in my guest bedroom for now. By the way, read my other stories! (This is the little-known Rule #11, Advertise your stories in the disclaimers of your other stories and in your reviews).
~Liked it? Hated it? REVIEW and tell Artemis what you thought.(Please keep in mind that this is a PARODY.)