This is just something I wrote after reading badfic after badfic. It’s not too vindictive, I hope, and at least partially funny. :)

 

TEN RULES FOR WRITING FICTION:

 

  1. Spell check is your friend. Use Spell Check like you would use a toothbrush: religiously. If you do not, you will find the results are quite similar: nobody wants to be around you, or read your fic.

 

  1. Self- insert = Mary Sue/Gary Stu = devil spawn. While there are SOME exceptions to this, they are very rare. This rule especially applies to fanfiction. In the immortal words of Magic Carpet Ride, “Every time a Mary Sue is spawned, God kills a kitten. Please, think of the kittens.” While this is not proven to be true, it may just be, so if you love kittens, please occupy your time with something else or make your story better. If it so happens that kittens don’t appeal to you, substitute ‘kitten’ with ‘Gila monster’, ‘reader’s eyeballs’, ‘Klingon’, or something else you like/don’t hate with a burning vengeance.

 

  1. Again, for fanfiction: unless it’s a parody, where Gimli can sing showtunes & Scully can be a blathering idiot- and in the same fic, write them in character. A good tip: think of showing your fic to the producer/author of the original. If that notion makes you weak in the knees, or if you can visualize said creator strangling you for how OOC you’ve made their characters, stop while you’re ahead (or take up parody…).

 

  1. Learn to tell the difference between ‘constructive criticism’ and ‘flame’. Brief examples:

 

FLAME: “Your fic sucks. It is the most insipid, horrific, insulting- to- my intelligence piece of crap I’ve ever read. I want five minutes of my life back.” Alternately, “Total crap. Waste of bandwith. You suck.”

 

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM: “I’m sorry to say I found your story boring and hard to read. I mean you no insults, but frankly some characters are unbelievable/OOC, your grammar is pathetic, and your spelling is worse. The good points are (insert good points. If you can’t even find ONE good point, flame with my blessing). There are few things more annoying than authors who mistake constructive criticism with “unfair insults”.

 

  1. Use a dictionary. If you don’t have one on hand, look one up on the Internet. There are plenty of good, FREE online dictionaries- I personally recommend http://dictionary.reference.com, or Merriam- Webster online. If you use words wrongly, no matter how good your writing is people obviously won’t be able to understand what you’re talking about.

 

  1. While on the subject of words, make sure your character’s lines are period- appropriate. For example, a medieval knight would not say to his companion, “Dude, is it just me, or is that a dragon eating cheesecake?” ‘Dude’ and ‘is it just me’ do not belong in the Middle Ages, and dragons don’t eat cheesecake. (moment of silence for the poor, deprived dragons) The exception being a humor story, in which you can have as many surfer- dude knights and cheesecake- eating dragons as you want.

 

  1. Write within your age range. There are also few things more annoying then a PG13 fic obviously written by a ten year old, or an R one written by a thirteen year old who can’t spell. Maybe I’m just stodgy, but I find, “n jane sed to paul ‘i haet u, f*** u, im leving u fer jason n paul sed ‘wot teh hell r u doing jane’” quite disturbing. And not just for the crimes against the English language.

 

  1. Remember, as much as I (justifiably) harp on the virtues of proper spelling and grammar, these alone don’t make a good story. Your subject has to be interesting, your characters well thought out and realistic, your plotline gripping/funny/scary (and NOT because of bad spelling), or otherwise befitting the type of story you’re writing. Proper English can’t salvage a lame plotline.

 

  1. To quote Camilla Sandman: “Love the beta. Cherish the beta.” Take great care in selecting the beta. And most of all, don’t get mad at the beta –or your reviewers, for that matter- for pointing out the flaws in your fic. Remember, that’s what they’re there for.

 

  1. And that brings us to… the most important rule: have fun! Write not for the accolades but for yourself, and your readers. (This does NOT mean ‘ignore all criticism’ though) But your story doesn’t have to be perfect, just readable. If you enjoyed writing it, chances are your readers will pick up on that, and enjoy your story even more. Oh, and for fanfiction: please, please, for the love of all that is canon in the world, don’t send Orlando Bloom to Middle- Earth again. Please.

 

And thus ends my (hopefully) sage ramblings. Aren’tcha glad!

Review!

 

 

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