The Carolina Whig
Pushing back ignorance from the
populace - one Democrat at a time
The Carolina Whig. Publishing continually since January 3, 1832
(Vice-President Clawson steps up to the podium in front of an overflowing boisterous and enthisiastic crowd.)
"My fellow Americans, it is my honor and privilege to welcome you all to this historic ceremony. We are about to swear in the inaugural Confederate States of America Congress. Each of these fine men has won the vote in their home states and come here today to tackle the problems that our fledgling nation faces.
Please make welcome;
South Carolina's Dave Whipple
Alabama's Mike Hemer
Kentucky's Jeromie Cook
Georgia's Clark Van Buskirk
Missouri's Art Ingram
Mississippi's Stanislav Lyudkevych
Maryland's Jonas Karlen
North Carolina's Charles Barrett
Louisiana's Michael Faughn
Florida's Matt Young
Arkansas' Andrew Miller
Tennessee's Myles Durga
and your home state representative Virginia's own John Caverly. Distinguished Senators, The time for action has come. Important decisions need to be made and you all are to play key roles in this process. It is time for you to complete your oath of office and be sworn in as a member of the CSA Congress; Raise your right hands in the air and place your left hand on your bibles and Repeat after me:
I, (repeat your name) do solemnly swear, to uphold my office to the best of my abilities, and To uphold the beliefs and ideals put forth in our constitution.
I will endeavor to represent my state and my country to the highest ethical and moral standards, and to Protect it at all costs, even with my life, if necessary.
(After the ceremony, the group moved into its chambers and Vice-President Clawson banged the gavel and, after welcoming the Senators, opened the floor for nominations for Speaker.)
CSA Congress elects Dave Whipple Speaker
The results of the ballots are in and you have elected Carolina Whig Dave Whipple as Speaker by a very narrow margin.
Mr Whipple and Mr Durga each carried 6 states (2 states abstained - AR and NC).
MD - 3 VA - 7
GA - 4 AL - 4
KY - 5 TX - 1
MO - 4 TN - 5
SC - 3 FL - 1
MS - 3 LA - 2
22 total 20 total
(AR and NC failed to return ballots and were counted as abstaining)
Swearing in Ceremony of CSA Congress
on the steps of the Capitol in Richmond
CLAWSON NAMED VICE PRESIDENT!
WHIPPLE ELECTED SPEAKER!
By C.S. Archer
In an act of conciliation President Gallatin reached across party lines to
name Maj. General Don Clawson, Commander of South Carolina forces as Vice
President of the Confederate States of America yesterday. We at the Columbia Whig
salute President Gallatin for his sound judgment in this matter. While the
martial deeds and organizational abilities of Vice President Clawson are well known
in the Palmetto State; many were shocked by his agreement to serve in a
Heartland administration. Popular opinion was well described by a Mr. Otis P.
"Bubba" Ketchum of Newberry, "He's a fine Carolina man and good soldier ... but to
me a Whig is a Whig and he should not be so quick to cozy up to the
opposition. Still could have been much worse ... President Gallatin could be a
democrat." That dear reader would be a far greater tragedy. We commend Vice President
Clawson on his devotion to duty and wish him well in his new post.
In other political news:
This Friday past the Congress of the Confederate States of America elected
Sen. D.C. Whipple of South Carolina as Speaker. The race was a close one indeed
between Sens. Whipple and Durga of Tennessee. Despite recent pronouncements of
unity and amity - the vote remained starkly partisan and may signal a
divisive turn in the political governance of our new nation. The final vote total was
in favor of Sen. Whipple 22 votes to 20. Each man carried the Congressional
delegations of 6 states while Arkansas and North Carolina abstained.
WHIPPLE LOSES! VOTER FRAUD WIDESPREAD IN LOUISIANA AND VIRGINIA! By I.M.A. Hack
The Palmetto Republic continues to absorb the impact of the recent loss by
its native son and current Governor, Gen. David C. Whipple (Ret.) in the first
election for the Presidency of the Confederate States of America. Telegraph
reports of fraud in Louisiana have been widely reported - what it more shocking
is the discovery of widespread voter part in the heavily Whig counties of
western Virginia. The High Sheriff of Bland County reported that over 11,000 votes
for Gov. Whipple were recorded but mysteriously missing the vote totals in
Worse still in Wythe County, supporters of the Heartland party candidate
plied the populace with an abundance of cheap whiskey -- causing the first
non-Whig majority for the county in over 36 years. Mayor Hiram "Johnny" Walker of
Wytheville told this reporter, "Yep ... they got the common folk good and drunk
and made their marks for them on the ballots. Hells bells they even emptied the
Asylum for the Feebleminded outside of town and had them vote Heartland too
... a damn disgrace if you ask me."
Still by any standard our Governor's Speech of Concession to President
Gallatin was a marvel of brevity: "Congratulations Mr. President. You won, I lost.
Let us work together for the common good." While the outcome was not what we
had hoped, we wish President Gallatin every success.
CRAZY OLD COLONEL W.R. MATHENA AND HIS
17th REGIMENT OF SOUTH CAROLINA
VOLUNTEERS GET A NEW NAME
By O.L. Coot
The most recent parade of state forces in Columbia this Saturday past was a
fine affair. Over 22 regiments of our stout defenders of the Palmetto Republic
filed past the Governor and Adjutant-General Don Clawson on the steps on the
North side of the Statehouse as they made their way down Gervais Street to a
The observant amongst the crowd noticed an odd regimental standard borne by
the 17th Regiment of South Carolina Volunteers - "Governor Mathena's Own." Now
you will remember gentle reader that the Col. of this regiment - W.R."Crazy
Bill" Mathena is a man of some 70 years and veteran of the War of 1812. He also
happens to be a relation of our former Governor whom shall not be named. Well
a group of outraged citizens interrupted the grand parade and insisted that
Col. Mathena remove the offending standard. The old gentlemen was belligerent
and apparently confused (can it be any wonder that his kin has gone North?).
Five minutes of conversation were needed to convince Col. Mathena that the crowd
was not demanding he haul down the bonny blue Palmetto flag. Finally his
Regimental Adjutant, a certain Captain I.M.R. Eckless, proposed a brilliant
solution. While the now approving crowd looked on, several ladies went to work with
needles flying on the banner. After some fifteen minutes, the parade resumed
with the new standard of the 17th SC Volunteers flying proudly in the blue
Carolina sky. We have every expectation that the "Gov. Mathena's Own Yankee
Killers" will live up to their name in the days ahead.
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