mix jokes

THE VIRGIN NEWLYWED

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!? "
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

Why E-Mail is like a Male Reproductive Organ

1. Some folks have it, some don't.
2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
3. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
4. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's
not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
5. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
6. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
7. In the past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
8. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
9. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
10. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual = size and influence warrant.
11. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in a whole lot of trouble.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said,
"But we don't know anything about each other."
He said,
"That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said,
"That was incredible!"
He said,
"I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said,
"That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

20 Types of People You Might Meet in the Men's Room

1. excitable - shorts half twisted around. cannot find hole. rips shorts

2. sociable - joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3. crosseyed - looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

4. timid - cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

5. indifferent - all urinals being used. pisses in sink.

6. clever - no hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.

7. frivolous - plays stream up, down, and across urinal, tries to hit fly or butt.

8. worried - not sure where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection.

9. absent-minded - opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10. childish - pisses directly into bottom of urinal. likes to see the bubbles

11. sneak - farts silently while pissing,acts very inocent, knows man in next stale will get blamed.

12. patient - stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

13. desperate - waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14. tough - bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

15. efficient - waits until he has to crap,then does both.

16. fat - backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
17. little - stands on box, falls in, drowns.

18. disgruntled - stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

19. concieted - holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.

20. drunk - holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

************QUESTIONS TO PONDER****************

1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
2. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
5. How is it possible to have a civil war?
6. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
7. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
8. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
9. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
10. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
12. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
13. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
15.. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
16. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
17. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
18. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
19. What happens when none of your bees wax?
20. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
21. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
22. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
23. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

********CHARLIE BROWN SPECIALS WE'D LIKE TO SEE*******

Recently, MetLife has put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the PEANUTS gang dealing with such issues as the loss of a loved one, writing a will, and dealing with a permanent disability. Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues, how about some PEANUTS specials for the kids of the 90s?

We could learn about V.D. in,
IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN.

Chuck and the Little Red-Headed Girl find out about unwanted pregnancy in,
IT'S BLUE, CHARLIE BROWN!

Is Linus gay? Find out in,
IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN.

Explore the real problems of child abuse in America in,
YOU MADE ME DO THAT, CHARLIE BROWN.

See how the PEANUTS gang deals with date rape in,
NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN.

Discover a father's forbidden love in,
IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN.

The PEANUTS gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in,
IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN.

What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego, Mr. Clean in,
GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN.

Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing Social Security checks and boosting automobiles in,
GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN.

****************SEMI-DEEP THOUGHTS****************

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good
* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
* If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
(GENERAL FAILURE IS NOT A PERSON, IT`S A SUBDIVISION OF GENERAL ELECTRIC IN JOINTOWNERSHIP WITH MICROSOFT; THAT`S WHY GENERAL FAILURE PRODUCTS ARE INCORPORATED IN EVRY MS-DOS AND WINDOWS VERSION)
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
* Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
* Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* Black holes are where God divided by zero.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
*I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road???

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Bill Gates:
I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.499999999.

The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Freud:
The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

L.A. Police Department:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes!! The chicken crossed the road.
But why it crossed, I've not been told!!

Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross all roads.

The Pope:
That is only for God to know.

Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Bill Clinton:
Now I admit that while governor of Arkansas, I saw a lot of chickens. However, I do not know this chicken. This chicken is simply trying to gain attention in professing to have crossed the road. This presidency will not respond to, nor be affected by any of the lies that this chicken concocts.

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one????

Three samurai meet to decide which among them is the greatest swordsman
The judge approached the first samurai and opened a small box. Out flew a fly. The samurai's sword flashed through the air and the fly fell to the ground, neatly sliced in half.
"Very impressive," said the judge.
Now the judge came to the second samurai a again opened a small box. The samurai's sword flashed twice and the fly fell neatly cut into four parts.
"Superb," exclaimed the judge!
Finally it was the third samurai's turn. The judge opened a third small box and a third fly buzzed out. The samurai's sword flashed through the air and the fly continued to buzz away. The third samurai put up his sword with a satisfied grin on his face. "But the fly still lives" observed the judge.
"True," replied the samurai," But he will never reproduce again!"

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy.
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a >Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Keep honking, I'm reloading.
* Hang up and drive.
* Lord save me from your followers.
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
* Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! they spelled MACYS wrong.

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate'.

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms.

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained his igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

A man survives the sinking of his cruise ship together with his dog. After weeks on the sea they reach an island. The man, horny as can be, searches the whole island for a girl, but only finds some sheep. Well, he thinks, and pulls down his zipper. But the dog begins to bark and to defend the sheep. So the man gets up evry night, when the dog is asleep, and shares the night with the sheep.
One day a really gorgeous woman, whose ship also sank, arrives at the island. As they meet, she smiles and says "Well, is there anything i can do for you?"
He, already getting horny, says: "Yeah, would you mind to hold my dog for awhile ?"

A senior citizen comes to the doc. "Doc, at my home is my 20 year old horny wife waiting", "And now you�re worried bout your sexual powers, well..."
"No,doc, i can�t remember where i live !!!!"

A blonde couple is on a walk on the beach. He says "Look, a dead sea gull"
She answers "Where ?" while searching the skies.

A man isn�t no more able to satisfy his wife, so he attends a psychologist:"Well, she doesn�t seem to like to have sex anymore, doc",
"You need to bring new fury in your sex life. Get home and take her, don�t worry bout the location"
The next day the man returns totally confused. "Wel, doc, i got home and i took her on the kitchen table ...." , "And, did she like it ?", "No, but her bridge club liked it a lot..."

A farmer boy is worried about his first sex with his girlfriend. So he asks his dad to help him. "Son, i�ll hide under the bed and give you advice"
The deciding moment comes, his gf lies naked in the bed and he jumps on her, hitting the nightstand with his head. "Oh, Dad it�s bleeding." , "That�s alright son, continue like that." "OK, dad" the son says and hits his head against the nightstand again and again.

(Well here comes the really annoying one:o)

Three porn actresses visit a bar after a casting. They discuss, which has the biggest pussy. "Well, a fist fits into mine" says the 1st. "Into mine fits a whole arm up to the shoulder" the 2nd claims. The 3rd asks "Did you see my chair ???"

What are 1,000 lawyers on the ground of the sea ?
A good thing to start out with.

Tricky Dicky Nixon, George Bush and Lyndon B. Johnson enter a skiff and row out on a lake. The skiff sinks. Who�s saved ?
America.

A cowboy crashes with his Thunderbird. After awakening in the hospital the doc says
"You had a car crash.",
"My beautiful car !!!"
the Cowboy mourns.
"And you lost both legs...."
"My beautiful boots !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A blonde girl donates blood. She got 10 bucks and a cookie for it. The man next to her gets 100 bucks cash.
"How much blood did he donate ?"
"He didn�t donate blood, he donated sperm."
The next day the blonde girl returns again.
"You can�t donate blood again this week" the nurse says. The blonde girls replies:
"MMhmmmmhmhmhhmMHMMHM"

A man that sexually had evrything you can get for money visits a brothel in St. Louis. He says to the owner:
"I had it all. Offer me something special."
"Well we have a girl that is able to give head and to whistle while doing it."
The man, eager to experience it, enters her room. She turns out the lights, opens his zipper and starts. And whistles the national anthem in addition.
The man, eager to know how she�s doing it, turns on the light again and then he sees the glass eye on the nightstand.

Three guys, that had a F in sexual education in biology, sit in a bush, waiting for her female teacher to take revenge.
"Well we�ll catch her" the 1st guy says
"And hold her to the ground" the 2nd guy says
"And kick her nuts as hard as we can" the 3rd guy says.

A sinner comes to hell and the devil shows him around. In 1st chamber there�s a man bitten again and again by a poisonous snake. In the 2nd chamber there�s a woman, her liver eaten out by vultures again and again.
The 3rd chamber is filled with beautiful girls and bottles of fine red wine.
"What�s the punishment in the 3rd chamber ???" "See the wine bottles, they have holes on the bottom" "And what about the girls ???" "Well, they don�t"

A Russian, an American and an Eastern German get to heaven.
"Before you have to repent your sins, you �ll have a year in a room with one thing you desire."
The Russian: "I want a bottle of Vodka, that never spills"
The American: " I want a girl i always can have sex with"
The Eastern German :"I want a never-ending source of cigarettes."
After the year they can leave the rooms agains. The Russian is drunk like hell, the American totally exhausted, and the Eastern German asks "Do you have fire for me ?"

A gay and a thief get to heaven and St. Peter says: "Well, if you repent your sins again, you�ll burn in hell." One day the two guys walk across heaven, as the thief sees a 100-dollar-bill on the ground. He bows over to fetch it and POOF!!! they�re both in Hell. Freezing the gay asks the Devil:"Why it�s so fucking cold down here ?" "Do you think i bow to fetch a piece of coal as long as you�re here ???????????"

A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew argue how to divide the donations. The Christian says: We�ll draw a circle, throw the money in the air and what happens to land in the circle we sacrifice to God, the rest for us. The Muslim: We�ll draw a circle throw the money in the air and what happens to land outside the circle we sacrifice to God, the rest for us. The Jew: We simply throw the money in the air and what God wants of it, he should take himself.

A joke from the resistance in the Third Reich: Hitler is going to visit the insane asylum. The sick are trained long hours to greet the right way. On his arrival they all raise their arms and shout "Hail the Fuehrer". Only a few people don�t join. "Why don�t you greet, too???" Hitler asks in anger. The reply: "We�re the wards, not the sick !!!!!!!!!!"

An American, an Bavarian and an Eastern German come to heaven and Petrus introduces them: "Well, you may do anything round here, but don�t step on the tiny pink clouds or you�ll be punished." The American and the Eastern German walk heaven one day when they see the Bavarian having sex with a woman fat as can be. Asking him, why he�s doing so, he answers: "I stepped on a tiny pink cloud." As the Bavarian and the Eastern German strive the heaven next day, they see the American having sex with an old and withering woman. "Now i know, why i shouldn�t have stepped on that tiny pink cloud !!!!!" As the American and the Bavarian walk heaven the next day, they see the Eastern German having sex with Cindy Crawford. "Tiny pink cloud, eh ?" "Yeah, i really should better watch next time" Cindy answers. (use three names of friends instead of ethnicities)

A man sitting in his office in the 40th level of a skyscraper works at his computer. A voice speaks:"Hello.....". He looks around the room, no one�s there. The voice repeats "Hello..." He looks down the staircase, no one�s there. "hello....." He looks out of the window ---- and there�s a man hovering outside. He says: "Hello, come out here, it�s a great day for flying. Just step out" The man tries and falls, all 40 storages, and crushes in a bloody splat. Just this moment Spiderman (tm) swings by. "Superman (tm) , you�re really a very sick bitch, you know."

Why did in the times Eastern Germany was beyond the Iron Curtain policemen always go on patrols of three ? One was able to read, one able to count, and one guarded those intellectuals. A building is burning and a Jew saves himself unto the roof. Suddenly a bearded angel appears. "If you jump, i�ll catch you". The jew jumps and drops dead after falling 40 levels. Coming to heaven he meets Petrus "Well, Petrus, one of your angels promised to catch me and i fell to death bcuz he didn�t" Petrus orders all angels to make a line and asks "Which ?", "the bearded one" Petrus lifts his finger and says "Adolf, Adolf !!!"

In the men�s bathroom of a bathroom stands a strange machine, labelled "Masturbating machine". An American comes in and sees it, puts his dick into the hole, thinking, "well, let�s try". A voice from the machine says: Put in 100 $ or your dick is cut off" He inserts the 100 bucks and leaves angrily. A Bavarian comes in, and wants to try it, too. He puts his dick in and receives the same message. "100 bucks ? Fuck you. Give me 10,000 $ or I�ll piss into your gears." And swoops was he released.

What�s bad for a guy ? If he has a stiff dick and runs against a wall. What�s worse ? If he breaks his nose. What�s nasty ? If the gynecologist lost his glasses.

A man stands naked in front of a mirror and speaks proudly: "I�m real dynamite !!!" His wife comes by and takes a look. "Yeah, but what a short fuse"

One man suffers of impotence. He asks his doctor for help. He gives him a red injection and says to him to get home. The next day he returns:"It didn�t work" So the doc gives him a yellow injection. As the man returns next day, the doc says to him: "Hold it up and give you the grey injection" the man returns after a week, still stiff: "This is great, doc, but when will he come down again ?" "Sorry pal, but concrete is concrete."

A man in a bar winks all the times while he�s talking to the man next to him. "Eh, are you gay or what ?", "No , it�s an illness. I can�t stop." "Aren�t there medicaments against it ?" "Yeah, but always when i visit the pharmacy and hand them my recipe, they just say �But of course� and hand me a pack of condoms"

A man has a date and buys a pack of condoms at a pharmacy. He gets to her house. "My family invites you for diner, will you just eat with us ?" He enters, the mother serves the food. Her dad comes in and the man starts to pray and to pray. "Oh, i had no idea you were that religious !!!" "And i had no idea that your father was a pharmacist !!!"

"Doc, my wife don�t wants to have sex with me." "Just put two of these pills in her drink and she will..." Before diner he puts two in her drink. "Well, i could need some support , too" and puts the rest in his glass. On midnight his wife suddenly awakes. "I need a man !!!!" and he answers "Yeah, me too !!!!!!!!"