Just Plain Nasty
A Useful Tool

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 7 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.  It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.  Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sounds resulting from the well lubricated movements.  When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.  After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.  As you have already no doubt guessed, the answer to this riddle is none other than your very own toothbrush.

My comment: I guess some toothbrushes have holes at one end. None of the ones I ever used had a hole at the end, but I guess some do.


Bob and Fred are walking by a 7-Eleven, as Bob turns to Fred and says, "I dare you to take off your clothes, go into the store, buy two candy bars, and come back outside to get your clothes!" Fred then asks, "What's in it for me?" Bob exclaims, "I'll give you $200!" "Okay", Fred replied. So Fred strips down to nothing, walks into the store, buys the two candy bars, and exits the store. When he get outside he noticed that Bob was gone with his clothes. Freaking out, he notices three nuns walking by, so he freezes with his hands pressed to his chest, one candy bar in each hand. The three nuns walk over to him. "Ah, a vending machine!", the first nun says. So she puts two quarters in his mouth, yanks on his dick, and gets a candy bar. "I want one too", the second nun says. So she puts two quarters in his mouth, yanks on his dick, and gets a candy bar. The third nun, being a little impatient, says, "Let me through, I might want one you know!" So the nuns step aside, as she puts two quarters in his mouth, yanks on his dick, but doesn't get anything. So she continues yanking and yanking and yanking. Giving up she says, "I may not have gotten a candy bar, but I did get some nice hand lotion!"

There was a little boy playing in his front yard, and his grandpa was sitting on the porch watching his grandson play. The grandfather saw the little boy pull a worm out of the ground, so the grandfather went up to his grandson and said, "Hey son, I'll give you five dollars if you can stick that worm back into the hole you pulled it out of." The little boy thought it would be easy enough so he tried. After a while the boy was about to give up, but suddenly he ran inside and got a can of his grandmothers hairspray. He sprayed it all over the worm and let it dry and then he stuck it back into the hole. The grandpa said, "Well, boy that's a neat trick, here's your five dollars." The next day the little boy was playing again and the grandfather came up to him and handed him another five dollars. The little boy said, "What is this for?" The grandfather said, " Your grandmother thought it was a neat trick too!"

There was a woman in a tattoo parlor and she asked for a tattoo on the inside of her right thigh.  The guy asked her what of and she told him a turkey.  He thought that over for a second ask then asked, "A turkey? Whatever you say." So he gave her the tattoo and about a month later she showed up again asking for a tattoo of Santa Claus on the inside of her left thigh.  One again he looked at her like she was crazy but did as she wished.  While she was paying for the second tattoo he couldn't help but look up and ask, "Miss, just out of curiosity, why did you make the choices you did?"  And she replied, "My husband says he only gets good eating between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards.

Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"


There was a man who was traveling to different cities and he was very tired from walking all day. One night, he saw this really big and tall house and he wondered if anyone lived there. He went up to the house and knocked on the door. An ugly old Chinese man opened the door. The traveler asked the old man if he could stay there for the night because he was tired. The Chinese man agreed to let him stay the night but only if he didn't touch his young virgin daughter. The old man also said that if the traveler touched his daughter, he would inflict him with the three Chinese tortures. The traveling man, thinking the daughter was as ugly as the old man, agreed to this. Later that night while eating dinner, the man saw the old man's daughter and they instantly fell in love. That night, they had sex all night long. When the traveler woke up in the morning, he had a 10 pound rock on his chest with a note that said, "1st Chinese Torture-- 10 pound rock on chest." The man easily picked up the rock off him and thought to himself, "Oh big deal, this isn't punishment at all for what I did last night!" With that, the man walked up to the window and threw the rock outside. The second he did that, he read a sign saying, "2nd Chinese Torture-- rock tied to your left nut." Panicked, the man jumped out the window so that the rock couldn't pull his balls off. After he jumped out the window, he read another sign that said, "3rd Chinese Torture-- right nut tied to the bed."

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are on the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two Ping-Pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday!"

There is a 14 year old kid who asks his dad if he can have a bicycle for his Birthday. His father says, "Well son...Can your dick touch your asshole?" The boy tries it and says, "No daddy, sorry" "Well then you can't have a bike, get the fuck outta here!"

Next year the same scenario happens... "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No dad" "Then get the hell outta my face!"

Finally, the boy turns 16, and after a lot of hard work and some gymnastics, the boy's dick can touch his asshole.

"Hey, Dad, how about a car now instead of a bike?" The dad says, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" Shining with glee, the kid proudly says, "You bet Dad! Look!" The kid shows his dad that he could in fact touch his asshole with his dick. Then his Dad says, "Good, then go fuck yourself!"


There were these two black kids, one boy and one girl, who wanted to go trick-or-treating for Halloween. Well, the first year they decided to go as Ken and Barbie. When they were out walking around a white kid comes up and says, "Hey, who are you supposed to be?" They two black kids say Ken and Barbie. The white kid says you can't be them. Somewhat surprised, the black kids ask why, and the white kid says, "Because you're black and Ken and Barbie are supposed to be white." So the next year the two black kids go out naked. The white kid came up to them and asked, "Who or what the hell are you two supposed to be?" The two black kids replied, "We're two chocolate candy bars--one with nuts and one without!"

My comment:  I don't mean for this joke to make fun of African-Americans.  I just thought it was funny and nasty enough for it to be on my joke page.


Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch." When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?" "$75 dollars," said the first. The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess. The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two. $20 dollars replies the third. The first two start laughing hysterically. "Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!!!!!!

A girl was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was amongst the group. The police had all the prostitutes line up in a straight line. Along comes the grandma and sees her grand-daughter. Grandma asks her grand-daughter, "What are you lining up for." Grand-daughter, not willing to let her grandma know the truth told her grandma that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. Grandma wanted some oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to the grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?" Grandma (thinking he's asking her about how she can eat oranges) replies, "Oh, it's easy, I just take off my dentures and suck them dry.

Fred's dad was so old that he finally had to put him in a resthome. So the first night Fred's dad was there he got a raging hardon and the nurse that was there saw it. She decided to do the old guy a favor and suck em off, so she did. The next day Fred came by and asked his dad how his first night at the rest home went. His dad said he loved it there and never wanted to leave. The next day Fred's dad had fallen over the bathtub. As he was lying there an orderly had just happened to be passing by and saw him bent over the tub, and so he quickly came up behind the old man and crammed a woody up the old guys corn hole. The next day Fred came back to see his dad and again asked him how he liked his second night at the new home. His dad replied that he hated it there and that he wanted to leave. His son was surprised and said, "But dad, I thought you said you loved it here." In which his dad replied, "You don't understand, I only get a hardon about once a month, but I fall down almost everyday!!"
Nasty Mommy Mommy Jokes

son: Mommy Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
mom: Shut up, we only have it once a month.

son: Mommy Mommy! why are you moaning?
mom: Shut up and keep licking.

son: Daddy, Daddy, what's a transvestite?
dad: Shut up and unhook my bra.

son: Mommy, Mommy, what's an orgasm?
mom: I don't know dear, ask your father.

daughter: Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my legs?
mom: You will when you're older, dear!

son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't wanna be a daddy
mom: Shut up and get in bed.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I get pregnant?
mom: Of course not dear, you are only seven years old.

son: Daddy, Daddy what is incest?
dad: Shut up and suck.

son: Mommy! Mommy! What's oral sex?
mom: mmmrmmph mumble mumble mmhhh mmrph mmumble!

son: Mommy, Mommy! Why does Daddy's dick taste so bad?
mom: Shut up and give your sister another tampon.


A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. The next day the doctor calls him back to the office and says "I have some really bad news for you. I have checked this result with several of my colleagues and we have come to the same result. I'm sorry to say you only have one more day to live." The guy is shocked. He ends up in a bar for the remainder of the day trying to decide what he should do for the remaining day of his life. He finally decides he will go home and make wild and passionate love to his wife before he leaves this earth. When the guy gets home that evening he sneaks into the bedroom and takes off all his clothes and crawls into bed. For three hours he has sex like he has never had sex before. After he is finished he is completely exhausted and crawls to the bathroom, completely spent. Upon opening the bathroom door he is surprised to see his wife in the bathroom with a mudpack over her face. He asked puzzledly "How did you get in here." His wife then says "SHHH!!! You'll wake my mother..."