Three bums are
walking down a street when one of them suggests going into a convience
store to ask for food. They all agree and go to the nearest 7-11. The first
guy tells his friends to wait outside while he goes in. He enters the store
and goes up to the cashier and says, "Look, lady, my friends and I are
starving, could you please give us some food?" The lady looks at him and
says, "Well, sure. But only if you'll fuck me." The guy looks her up and
down and says, "Forget it, but we're not THAT desperate". (This lady is
like 60). The first bum leaves the store disgusted. All he'll tell his
friends is that the lady wouldn't give them any food. "Let me try," said
the second guy. He enters the store and says "Look, lady, my friends and
I are starving, could you please give us some food?" The lady looks at
him and says, "I will. But only if you'll fuck me." The second guy looks
her up and down and says, "Sorry, but we're not THAT desperate". He leaves
the store mad as hell. He tells the others only that the women wouldn't
give him any food. The third guy says "Let me give it a try." The others
agree and the second bum goes to sit under a window, realizing that the
third guy is smarter then the other two. The third bum says to the cashier,
"Look, lady, my friends and I are starving, could you please give us some
food?" The lady looks at him and says, "I guess. But only if you'll fuck
me." The third bum pauses, looks around, and spots a bag of carrots. He
turns back around and says, "All right, but on one condition, you have
to keep your eyes closed the entire time." The lady considers for a second
and then nods. "Okay. I'll get ready in the back room and then I'll call
you." The guy simply nods. The lady goes in the back and the bum goes over
and picks up a carrot. The lady calls from the back room. The bum goes
into the back room and uses the carrot to fuck the old lady. He leaves
the room first, not wanting to get caught with the carrot, and he tosses
it out the window. The lady emerges a minute later carrying boxes of food.
The bum takes the boxes and leaves. He meets up with the other bums and
says, "Look at all the food I got!" "Yeah," said the second bum, "Well
look at the swell carrot someone threw out the window!"
A man came
home from work one day and noticed that his faithful Labrador was lying
on the ground and appeared to be dead. Quickly the man rushed the dog to
the veterinarian and said, "Doctor I think my dog is dead but I am not
too sure!" The doctor looked at the dog and said, "Yup, he looks like he
is dead." The man replied, "Doctor I think he can be saved. Can you do
some kind of test to determine if he is really dead?" So the doctor continued
to look at the dog and then grabbed a cat from one of the pet cages and
let the cat walk all over the dog. The doctor looked at the man and said,
"I'm sorry, but your dog is dead and there is nothing else I can do." The
man replied okay and walked over to the receptionist to pay for the doctor
visit. The man received a bill for $840.00 and freaked! "Doctor why is
this bill so high?" The doctor said, "Well my office visit is going to
cost you $40.00 just to have me look at your dog, $100.00 to dispose of
your dog, and $700.00 for the cat scan!"
The
OJ Trial As Told By Dr. Suess
I did not
kill my lovely wife.
I did not
slash her with a knife.
I did not
bonk her on the head.
I did not
know that she was dead.
I stayed
at home that fateful night.
I took a
cab, then took a flight.
The bag
I had was just for me.
My bag!
My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came
home I had a gash.
My hand
was cut from broken glass.
I cut my
hand on broken glass.
A broken
glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing,
nothing to hide.
My friend,
he took me for a ride.
Did you take
this person's life?
Did you
do it with a knife?
I did not
do it with a knife.
I did not,
could not kill my wife.
I did not
do this awful crime.
I could
not, would not anytime.
Did you hit
her from above?
Did you
drop this bloody glove?
I did not
hit her from above.
I cannot
even wear that glove!
I did not
do it with a knife.
I did not,
could not kill my wife.
I did not
do this awful crime.
I could
not, would not, anytime.
And now I'm
free, I can return
To my house
for which I yearn.
And to my
family whom I love.
Hey now
I'm free--Give back my glove!!
A Frenchman,
an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes
to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're
going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then
we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you
can choose how to die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief
gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself
through. The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives
him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save
the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork."
The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker
takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides,
the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?" And the New
Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid fuck!"
Joe was
moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly
hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life
started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one
specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good
news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require
castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles
to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell
of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked
and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't
concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to
go under the knife.
When he left
the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important
part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt
like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked
past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman
eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed,
"That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my
job."
Joe tried
on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the
salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought
for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman
eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck"
Joe was
surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my
job."
Joe tried
on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror,
the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was
on a roll and said, "Sure ..."
The salesman
eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."
Joe was
astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my
job."
Joe tried
on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the
shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without
hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman
eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."
Joe was incredulous,
"That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my
job."
The hat fit
perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some
new underwear?"
Joe thought
for a second and said, "Sure..."
The salesman
stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed,
"No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman
shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles
up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Misquotes
"Computers
in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting
the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think
there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman
of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled
the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people,
and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out
the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall,
1957
"But what
... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division
of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is
no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president,
chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone'
has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.
The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal
memo, 1876.
"The wireless
music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message
sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response
to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept
is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,'
the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in
response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the
hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just
glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With
The Wind."
"A cookie
store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes
crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response
to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't
like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording
Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air
flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society,
1895.
"If I had
thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was
full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the
work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went
to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with
some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give
it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.'
And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said,
'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple
Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested
in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor
Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the
need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He
seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921
New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
"You want
to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles?
It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent
muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." --Response
to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for
oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for
oil in 1859.
"Stocks have
reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor
of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes
are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch,
Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything
that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner,
U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's
theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology
at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen,
the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the
wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed
Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"640K ought
to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981
One day
a kid was sitting at home waiting for his relatives to come over. He overheard
his parents fighting with each other yelling "YOU BITCH" "YOU BASTARD".
Being so young, the kid had never heard those words before and asked his
parents what they meant. They replied by saying "Bitch means lady and bastard
means gentlemen". Satisfied with this answer the boy went to his room.
Then he heard the neighbors having sex. They were repeating the words "DICK
and "CUNT" over and over and over. Again, the boy was curious and asked
his parents what those words meant. Thinking fast, his mother said "Dick
means coat and cunt means jackets." Once again the boy was satisfied with
the answer and headed to the bathroom, but his father was shaving and the
boy had to wait. Fearing that the boy might wet himself, the father shaved
faster. He went a little to quick and ended up cutting himself, "SHIT!!!!!"
he yelled. "What's shit mean daddy," the boy asked . The father, stuck
for an answer said, "it means shaving cream." The boy did his "business"
and his dad went back to shaving. His next stop was the kitchen, there
he saw his mother preparing the turkey. As she reached for a knife she
ended up cutting herself. "AW FUCK!!", she yelled. "What's fuck mean mommy",
the boy asked. "It means stuffing the turkey." Finally, the guest arrived,
the boy went to the door and said, "Hello bitches and bastards, may I take
your dicks and cunts? Dad's in the bathroom putting shit on his face and
Mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
A guy came
into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman
says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've
just found out my older brother is gay."
The next
day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When
the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've
just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third
day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender
said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my
wife..."
Once upon
a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He
loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction
on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that
they would marry, he thought to himself, She'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice
and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later,
on the way home from work, his car broke down. He called his wife and told
her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed
a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since
he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill
affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered. And before leaving
had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted.
He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he
arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and
seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful
surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led
him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as
his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer
the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his
weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten
egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned
the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge
came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp!. It sounded like a diesel engine
revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his
arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned
to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his
other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook,
the dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later the flowers on the
table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the
hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on
like this for the next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time
with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end
of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and
folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture
of innocence when his wife walked in. She apologizing for taking so long,
and asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had
not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, Surprise! To his shock
and horror..., there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table
for his surprise birthday party.