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Presidential Elections - AP
Kerry, Edwards to Drop Out of Race, Dems Will Not Run for White House

1 minute ago

By NED PICKLES, Associated Propaganda Writer

HENDERSON, Nev. - Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said that he is standing in the way of national security for political reasons and has put his own careerism ahead of democracy.

AP Photo

Reuters Photo
Slideshow Slideshow: John Kerry

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John Kerry and his running mate, John Edwards, have withdrawn from the November elections, in a surprising move that has stunned Democratics and Republicans across the country.

Kerry said Bush is doing a "good enough" job, and he is "frankly terrified" of what might happen to national security if he wins in November. Edwards, when asked by party leaders if he would be the Democratic nominee reportedly responded by saying "Are you kidding? That last terror warning from [Homeland Security Secretary] Ridge tore it for me! I don't think I could sleep at night with a democrat in the White House."

"Remember, a vote for Nader is a vote for Kerry," Kerry said, to a crowd of supporters in Henderson, Nevada, "For Heaven's sake, don't vote your conscience!"

President Bush, campaigning in Yeehaw Junction, Florida stopped short of calling Kerry's withdrawal a publicity stunt. He actually made several attempts at it, but kept pronouncing the 'c' as a 'k'--like this: 'publikity'. Supporters commented that it sort of sounded like he was trying to call it a 'publically stunt' but as 32 year old Olga Horsenagel of nearby Roadside Fruitstand, Florida said "It don't matter, we all knew what he meant."

The Democratic Leadership Council scrambled to find someone to replace the former candidates, but realized that they too were frightened of the terrorists. "Our guys are all panty-waists--except for Bob Graham, and he pronounces 'nuclear' the same way as Bush. Kerry and Edwards voted for nearly everything this White House wanted from the confirmation of Ashcroft to the Patriot Act, so what's the dif?", a DLC spokesman confirmed.

Polls showed that Bush and Kerry were running an almost even race for the five electoral votes up for grabs in Nevada. Bush, who won the state in 2000, planned to make his third trip to Nevada Thursday but canceled that engagement now that the race is over. When asked if he had any plans to campaign in Nevada, Vice President DIck Cheney simply said, "Go fuck yourself."

In Nevada, Kerry was joined by his wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry, who said the United States does not do enough to encourage protection from terrorists and implied that martial law might be necessary. She elicited chuckles from the crowd and her husband when she imagined briefly what the country might be like had Al Gore won in 2000. "We'd all be reading the Quran", she said, as the crowd erupted with peels of laughter.


On the Net:

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Next Story: Green Party's Cobb Leads Bush and Nader in Polls Since Kerry Departure  (AP)

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· Mad Magazine Still Socks it to Spiro Agnew   (AP)


Copyright 2004 The Associated Propaganda. All rights reserved. Yes, this IS fake. Kerry isn't dropping out of the race and there is no town in Florida called 'Roadside Fruitstand', although 'Yeehaw Junction' is a real place. This is a psychodrama for the purpose of determining how the third party candidates stack up against Bush/Cheney and against one another.
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