~ Reflections from the Closet ~

Coming of Age, Coming to Terms.

A condensed autobiographical Expose.

I had a rather unusual entrance into life. Upon my birth, it was clear, that I had a mild facial disfigurement. So everyone knew I would be different from all the other kids. How different I would ultimately become, remained a mystery for about 12 years, at least to myself.

It was at about the age of twelve that my “Body & Mind” began to change at an alarming rate. I noticed strange little hairs, where none had ever been before. I also noticed an increased sensitivity in my groin area, which had also grown surprisingly large. Now that covers how my body was reacting, but what about my mind. No doubt, I knew very early on, that I liked other boys. The sight of another boy played on my senses like nothing else could. The onset of puberty had clearly started and it was really kicking my ass.

I tried very hard, not to have these kinds of thoughts. I even went as far, as to have a long lasting sexual relationship with a close female friend. We basically had an understanding that we were never going to have a relationship; we merely were comfortable enough with each other that we could find the sexual release together, that our bodies each craved.

I was happy with the fact that I was able to enjoy myself, while in the company of a woman. But aside from the understanding that I had with my friend, I continued to be fascinated by the male body. My first opportunity for actual male-to-male sex, had yet to be realized. This would not be the last time I used a woman to help me masquerade as heterosexual. The next time wouldn’t be until I was 28 years old.

My first “crush”, was with a boy of the same age as myself. There was an unspoken easiness about him. He was the type that if alone, wouldn’t hesitate exposing himself, and inviting the usual adolescent masturbation, that most boys experience with their friends at this age. Over time our easiness with each other, escalated to the point, of touching each other, which led to mutual masturbation. This only served to fuel my own curiosity of my sexual identity. In a very short time, our little game of playing with each other, grew into wondering what oral sex would feel like. We decided the easiest way for us to find out, would be for each of us to perform, for the other, in the classic “69” position. I’m not sure if my friend had ever fantasized about oral sex with a boy before, I knew that I had, on many occasions. Now I was going to actually do the real thing.

My body seemed to be totally charged with electricity, as the moment approached. We were both exposed, and fondling one another. We took one last look at each other, unspoken, but understood, was the fact that each was comfortable with what was about to happen. Without a word spoken by either of us, we simply arranged our bodies together, to form the classic “69” posture.

Feeling the firm hold my friend had on me, I reached out, and grabbed him in the same fashion, our bodies slid closer, I could now feel the warmth of his breath on me, and I’m sure, that he could as well. This lasted for what seemed like forever, but in reality, was probably only a few seconds. At this point, my heart was pounding feverishly; it felt as though it would leap from my chest at any moment.

Naturally, we both had a moment of hesitation, and then recommitted to each other, what we were about to do. In total unison, we took the other into ourselves. I’ll never forget the sensation at that moment. We continued this for around twenty minutes, until we had both brought the other to orgasm.

Up until this day, my curiosity with boys had only lived in my fantasies. But I was different now. I had allowed myself to feel the sexual energy within myself that only a boy could bring out. If I had any doubt as to my sexual identity, before this day, I left this day with a better understanding of who I truly was. A very scary place for a fourteen-year-old boy to find himself. It was this day, that I began the twenty year process of reconciling with myself, that I was either Bisexual, or Gay.

My friend and I never played around with each other again, after this day. I’ve often wondered, if he got the answer to his curiosity, the way that I had. With the exception that I realized, that I truly was comfortable with another man, where he found it to be a rather uncomfortable setting. Needless to say, he turned out to be totally straight.

I spent the next twenty years, trying to hide the fact that I was gay, from the rest of the world. How successful I was in this cover-up, is rather suspect at this point in my life. My attempt to appear “straight” for family and friends was in hindsight, a complete failure. Through out my school years, both junior and senior high school years, I never once had a girlfriend, nor did I ever express a desire that I might like one.

In the four to five years, since my first experience, I had seized the opportunity on many occasions, to do similar things, with different friends. Actually, my circle of friends was rather small. I held onto a small “clique” of friends, that I’d known since elementary school. These included Jeff, Scott, Brian, Jason, and Rob. In time, I would get to know three out five of my best friends, in a rather intimate way. I’d seen all of my friends fully nude, on many occasions, however, the opportunity to explore things, only presented itself with Jason, Brian, and then Scott.

Jason was my first and longest lasting affair. We were strictly into oral sex. It was nothing more than mutual satisfaction. Very much the same type of relationship that I enjoyed with my female friend that I’ve mentioned earlier. Except on one occasion, curiosity got the better of us. And we began wondering what anal sex would be like. We quickly came to the understanding that since Jason was smaller than me that he would be going into me. I found this exciting, because, for a second time in my life, I was about to fulfill something that until this day had only been a fantasy.

I remember mentally preparing myself for what it was going to be like. When it actually came time for Jason to enter me, it was nothing like I had imagined. I remember the burning sensation that I felt as he increased the pressure, in trying to gain access. A short time later, my body had relaxed enough, to allow him comfortable entry into me. Suddenly I was enjoying something I could never have imagined. Jason continued with his feverish exploration, which seemed to last forever, actually, less than 30 minutes had gone by.

As for Brian and Scott, we explored a little bit together. But only a few times each. It was around this same time in my life, that I left high school, and went to work in a factory, as a welder. This would be where I met another man, by the name of Scott. He was the younger brother of the factory superintendent, same age as myself.

The next three years of my life would prove to be very interesting. Scott was different right from the first time I met him. I recall feeling an animosity towards him, simply for being the little brother, of the superintendent. Aside from that, I found myself extremely attracted to him. He was a bit more rugged in appearance than his older brother, more masculine I guess. I was attracted to everything about him. His hair, light brown and wavy. The palest blue eyes, almost like ice. A chest that stood out enough to be rugged, yet not overdone. And from what I could tell, well endowed also.

It took no time at all, for Scott and I, to come to an understanding, with each other. He made the first move, and wasted little time making his intentions very clear to me. He spent about a week, making rather obvious flirtations towards me, and I would return the flirtations. His next move came in the second week I’d known him. He would come into my welding booth, and fondle my groin, and I would do the same for him. This went on for a few days, and then we both became confident that we could go unseen, with the privacy the welding curtains provided. We began to fondle one another, fully exposed.

We both wanted much more than we could possibly do, on the factory floor. We decided that we would take off in his car when lunchtime came around. And so began the frequent lunch hours that the two of us would spend together. Usually three to four times per week, this went on for the next three years of my life.

During this period of my life, Jason and I still had our understanding, and enjoyed each other’s company quite often. With having both Scott and Jason available to me as they were, provided me a lot of exposure to explore my carnal side. My sexual senses became finely tuned. I was in touch with my body, as well as my lovers.

Although I had clearly surrendered myself to enjoying all aspects of making love, I continued to masquerade as being straight. All of this would come to an abrupt end, when I was just 23 years old. I found myself having to say good-bye to both the men in my life that I had come to know very well. The family was moving to Virginia. And with the move, I lost all touch of a world that I had known very well.

I still hold onto one person from my child hood clique that I’d had. Jeff is truly my best friend. We met each other in the fourth grade. And he’s been my confident ever since. We don’t talk as much as I’d like to, and with a six hundred mile distance between us, staying in touch isn’t as easy as it once was. With all that, I’ve never hesitated to call him, whenever I’ve had a burning desire to “bounce” something off of him. Jeff’s a great “touch stone”. We’ve gone in rather different directions with our lives, yet I still find myself very comfortable talking to him. I count myself truly blessed in this respect, that kind of friend only comes along once in a lifetime.

So here I was, twenty-three and in Virginia now. I tried to use this as an opportunity to start a new chapter in my life, play the straight role. The thought occurred to me, that I could just simply leave my old ways, in Michigan, and start off as a different man. This quickly proved impossible. I soon found myself mentally fixated on various men that I’d meet, at work, or through new social connections. But never found the actual release that my body craved. So began the physical deprivation I would endure for the next five years.

When I was twenty-eight, I foolishly married Angela. I won’t spend a lot of time on this chapter of my life. It was truly an ugly time in my life. I mean this both figuratively and literally. I find myself uncomfortable revisiting this chapter of my life, even here, in black & white.

The only relevant fact is that I did, on several occasions step outside my marriage, and engaged upon many infidelities. But only for another man. When I was 29 years old, my wife announced to me, that we were having a child. Angela was pregnant. When the child was three months old, it was learned, through a DNA test, that the little girl, which I’d known as Emily, was not my daughter.

With me excluded as the father, it was soon revealed that Joe was her biological father. Joe was a young man that I’d come to enjoy frequent company with, while my wife would be at work, leaving me home alone. This revelation, that a man, that was truly a willing partner with me, was also visiting my home, while I was at work, leaving my wife home alone, being a willing partner for her as well. Joe was definitely having his cake, and eating it too.

The combination of moving back to my parent’s house, during the divorce, and the knowledge of Joe’s participation in this, meant that I also had to walk away from a man, that I’d come to enjoy having in my life. I felt empty inside, I was alone, I was thirty years old.

My divorce became final on March 14^th, 2001 and I soon expressed an interest in dating Teresa. I really loved her. Out of bed, as well as in bed. We were definitely compatible souls. But we had different opinions on key issues that I won’t go into mentioning, so I ended my relationship with Teresa. I spent the next nine months of my life, reflecting, finding a comfort zone, and finding myself.

I stepped out of the closet, rather abruptly. I had never given any thought to coming out. But, in a conversation with my sister In-law, in the early morning hours of March 14^th, 2002, one year liberated, from my ex-wife, I confided in her, that I was a homosexual. I went to bed that night, with a major load off my back, some what content, and relaxed.

Waking to the dawn of a new day, I found myself changed. I knew there was no turning back. I’d let the Genie out it’s bottle. When I kicked the closet door down, and exposed my lie to the world, others could now see me, for who I really am, and I could finally see who I was. The closet door was wide open, hanging on it’s hinges, and the sunlight was allowed to shine into the darkest corners. Until this day, I had only ever seen shadows, at best. Finally, for the first time in my life, I could look at myself, and see a handsome man staring back at me in the mirror. Never before, had I been able to feel that way. This was the first positive outcome, to coming out.

Within days, I had found time, to verbally confirm to all of my friends and my brother. I waited another year, before confirming for my parents.

My world had changed, and as such, came the process of learning who I really was. My first real self-exposure to the new me, came in September 2002. I expressed an interest to my parents, that I would be happier in a more urban environment. What I didn’t tell them was that I was looking for a more friendly area, friendly towards gay men. I don’t think I had to tell them anything. They’ve known me my entire life, and by this time, I had come to the conclusion, that they both knew that I was gay. How could they not? In the last 6 months, since telling everyone else, my outward attitude, had changed substantially.

I considered the idea of moving back to Michigan, where I had grown up, I knew the terrain, and still had a few friends there. But, after thinking of my parents advanced age, and moving to an area, that would most certainly involve a lot of travel time, to see to them, I decided not to go more than 2 hours away. I settled on the city of Roanoke Virginia.

I spent 2 weeks exploring the area, basically lived in a motel room, and called Roanoke, home, for the next fourteen days. I learned the area very quickly. Crossroads, the usual things, and one other thing, the gay nightlife, that Roanoke had to provide, which wasn’t that significant. I allowed myself to hang around other openly gay men, and carry myself, everywhere I went for the next 2 weeks, as gay. I bought my first Rainbow, while I was there. I had finally dropped the masquerade. No more bull shit.

Aside from learning a few things about myself, I also learned, that I could be just as happy 7 miles down the road from where I had spent the last 8 years. I found a place of my own, in Luray Virginia. After my little fourteen-day fieldtrip, I had also learned to be comfortable in my new skin, as though it were a finely tailored suit.

I turned 32 years old, in October of 2002, in November I moved into my own place, for the second time in my life. This time was drastically different than when I had left my parents home, nine years earlier. This time, I was finally comfortable enough in my own skin, to just live my life, my way.

The Internet proved a very useful tool for me. I would frequently log into a popular chat room that was designed for gay men, in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia. This is where I started to meet other men like myself. I was absolutely surprised by the number of men, in a rural area such as Luray, and the surrounding area. I began to feel much like “A kid in a candy store”, I soon found it quite easy to indulge my appetite, which I have to admit, was often.

I did however, begin to see a few men, casually, but on a regular basis. After some time with them, it would end, and we would go our separate ways. Still, I hadn’t told my parents anything, figured, I could manage a relationship, and not say anything. I couldn’t have been more wrong. This is why I allowed two of the nicest men, I’ve ever known, to simply walk away.

I had come to a standstill in my evolution. I guess my “finely tailored suit” was getting a bit tight. My biggest obstacles in relationships, was, that I was still afraid of my parents. How could I ever hope to hide something as major in my life, as a partner, so rather than confront my fear, I would find a convenient way of ending a relationship.

I had a really good feeling, that my parents already had me figured out, and I also had a really good feeling about another man that I’d been seeing. So in the spring of 2003, I decided I owed my parents better than just assumptions, and owed myself the chance to finally have a relationship. I finally told my parents.

I sent an email to my father, addressed it to my mother. The basis of the email was that I had something major to discuss with them, and that I hoped that I wouldn’t lose them. I waited anxiously for two days, before my telephone rang at 12 midnight. I found my mother on the other end of my telephone. I was sure, that by this hour of the night, she had probably already had a few drinks that evening.

I quickly collected my wits, and my confidence. I answered the phone, all she said to me was, “you have something to talk to me about”? I simply replied, “I would rather do this in person”. I’m sure everyone’s heard the old saying, nobody knows you better than your mother. There’s a lot of truth to that. My mother surprised me, her next sentence to me was, “We already know you’re gay”. I simply replied, “yes I am”. Things would never be the same with my mother after this night, or my father who I never told, but knowing their relationship, if he didn’t know already, he would in the morning.