|"The Call of the Moon"
My Life As A Werewolf
|I am a Were. A wolf-identified therianthrope. The Wolf-Within is the organizing pattern of my psyche, my total way of life. It is intertwined with all that I do, what I like, how I behave, and how I relate to the world. It determines my thoughts, feelings, attitudes and behavior. This is hard to explain to anyone who isn't "there" themselves, sort of like trying to describe what it's like to be in love to someone who has never felt it.
Sometimes I try saying it's like "being an animal in a human-suit", or have someone imagine a Venn diagram of two overlapping circles, one being "wolf" and the other being "human": I exist in the place where the two combine and merge into one.
A lot of therianthropes are aware of their Animal-self from their early childhood; about half or so awaken later in life. Although I am one of the latter, I can look back over my life and see the ways in which it was always there, lurking in the shadows of my soul, patiently waiting for me to wake up and smell the fresh kill.
When I did, it was a violently transformative, life-altering experience. I wasn't trying to make it happen; it came on me out of a clear blue sky. It reorganized me, took me apart and put me back together again -- I went in as one kind of person and came out the other side quite different. The core of my self-identity exploded, shattering into a million sharp-edged fragments. For three days and nights, I was a basket-case; I could barely tie my own shoes. My head was filled with images and sensations of incredible beauty and mind-numbing terror; sickening violence and endless serenity; radiant clarity and furry, comforting darkness -- all appearing and disappearing too fast to process on a conscious level. It felt like being swept away in a glowing river, engulfed in a rip-tide of power that was both integral to who I am and so much greater than myself.
And above all, it was utterly, undeniably lupine. Why the Wolf? I have no idea. I had never been consciously aware of any strong feelings about wolves, either good or bad, in my life before this point. But there it was -- not bear, panther, wombat,or kangaroo: only the wolf. Whether I like it or not, I'm stuck with it. Now, I know that I am not "really" part human and part wolf. That's clearly absurd; I am a human being. Be that as it may, the image and archetype of the hybrid human/wolf, the so-called were-wolf, is the best possible way for me to express to to others what my experience of life is like.
It took me six months to begin to settle down and almost a full year to really come to terms with all this. I owe a huge debt of gratitude to my family/loved ones, who have been very accepting and understanding. I've also come in contact with many other "awakened" types who have been supportive and helpful, including fae, vampires, and of course other Weres.
Even now, I have good days and bad days, like anyone. For me personally, it's a bit like walking a tightrope. If I go too far into identifying with my human-side, I feel like I'm wearing clothes that are two sizes too small; too far into the wolf-side, and it can be hard to do things like drive, hold a job, or go to the grocery store. Meeting the needs of my basic drives is trickier than it used to be. The biological rhythms that once gently impelled me to carry out the complex, sublimated, socially-acceptable ways that people use to satisfy their needs for territory, a place in the dominance hierarchy, and sex, now demand immediate satisfaction by the most direct of methods. The primal instincts, shared by all animals, that were once a soft whisper, now howl insistently in my ear. Finding balance can be hard, and not always very pretty. Like I said; good days and bad days.
But such is the way of being alive on Planet Earth. Beats the alternative.