“Our Little Angel Too Special to Keep –
Alanah Rose Bond”
My little angel Alanah Rose was born on 10th January 2000 at 2:50pm weighing in at 6lb 10oz, a great weight for 37 weeks. It appears that she died at about lunchtime the previous day, this was the last time I remember movement. I think I will remember that moment until the day I die.
My pregnancy finally began after 14 long months of trying, following my third miscarriage at 13.5 weeks. All my other pregnancies had happened either in the first month or without trying (I even fell pregnant on the pill once!). Everything was going great, I felt as sick as a dog and loved it as it reassured me that all was well.
Nine weeks in, I had my first stay in hospital with a threatened miscarriage, I went in at about 11:00pm and couldn't have an ultrasound until late the next morning, thankfully it showed a healthy little jellybean. I felt my first movements around 14 weeks and she was always very active from then on.
At 16 weeks I was in hospital again this time with high blood pressure, headaches, vomiting and a strange rash on my legs and abdomen. No light was ever spread as to the cause of this illness. Again Alanah was doing just fine.
At 21 weeks after spending the night vomiting, I had a funny loss of what turned out to be my mucus plug. I had been going to go to work but decided that maybe I should see my GP because of this. Thank God I did, he found me 3cm dilated and membranes bulging. Within half an hour I was in theatre with my OB/Gyn putting in a suture. Then I was flat on my back with my feet elevated (a most comfortable way to spend your nights) for a week to make sure that I didn't continue with labour. I was also diagnosed with an irritable uterus, which meant that my Braxton hicks contractions really hurt and occurred almost constantly. Again they assured me that Alanah was doing just fine, it was only me that was suffering. The plan was that they would remove the stitch at 37 weeks and induce labour, providing I held out that long.
I then spent more time in hospital at 30 weeks with more threatened prem-labour which they treated with a drip, ventolin and steroids for Alanah's lungs. They managed to hold it off again, the stitch was still in place and I hadn't dilated any further. Alanah still was doing just fine.
From this time on I really began to worry. Alanah's movements seem to really slow down and I would have long periods without any movement at all. They did numerous CTG's and assured me they were fine, however I wasn't so sure, her heartbeat was VERY erratic, it would go right up to over 200bpm and then drop down to about 115bpm.
On Thursday 6th January, at 36 weeks 4 days, after spending the day at work in increasing pain because of the contractions and with a feeling of heaviness I went to hospital again. My blood pressure was 165/105, I had what I considered to be severe swelling (they said it was moderate) and ++ protein. The locum (my OB/Gyn was on holidays) decided that he would remove the stitch, keep me in overnight and decide in the morning whether to induce then or on Monday at 37 weeks. We now know that this was the wrong decision. Friday morning and Alanah had an excellent CTG, my blood pressure had come down to 145/90 but still had swelling and ++ protein. So I was sent home with urine sticks and told to come in Monday to have my baby. My protein remained the same on Friday but by Saturday was down to +, I took this as a good sign. I spent the weekend finally making some preparations for Alanah. Up to this point, I had been working full-time (something I hope I will be able to forgive myself for at some stage as I had been advised to stop by my OB/Gyn at 21 weeks) and just hadn't done anything at all. Matt and the kids and I were so excited, we were finally going to meet this long-awaited completion of our family.
Monday morning I was up at about 2am, unable to sleep, so I was on the Internet reading birth stories, I remember reading the title of one about stillbirth and skipping over it, because that could never happen to me. I also remember that my belly felt really strange, sort of hard and really heavy, I assumed it was because Alanah had engaged even more. I presented at the hospital at 7:30am and Matt ran the kids round to the day-care Mum's.
Our wonderful midwife, Jan took me into the labour ward and immediately hooked me up to the CTG. Well she couldn't find a heartbeat and told me it was just that she was tired, at this stage I wasn't really that worried. She left the room and while I was waiting for Matt to come back I tried poking and prodding her but all to no avail, by the time Matt arrived I just knew she was dead. The Dr then arrived and tried again to find her heartbeat but to no avail and then he said the words I will never forget "I'm terribly sorry I can't find a heartbeat, it appears we've lost the baby". He was so full of remorse, blaming himself. It was no-one's fault. We then had to wait to have it confirmed by ultrasound before induction could begin. At this stage we had to start letting people know, how were we going to tell the kids that the baby I had promised them not an hour ago was not going to stay. We had our loss confirmed by ultrasound at 9:15am then had the gel inserted. Mild, sporadic contractions followed until 1:30pm when the Dr returned to break my waters. Boy did they hot up then, but the epidural was in within half an hour and that made things so much easier. Anyway it seems I only had about 10 real contractions and then I began pushing, three pushes later and our little angel was born. The thing that still really gets to me was the deafening SILENCE. Birth and death should never go hand in hand, my son screamed the place down when he was born and I just couldn't believe how completely different this was. I also wasn't prepared for how perfect she would be. I felt (and still feel) really guilty that my birth was so easy, I feel I should have had a terrible amount of pain and trauma to match the emotional pain that I was going through.
We then began the painful task of saying hello and goodbye to our darling little girl at the same time, My brother summed it up with the opening line to his poem.
“Why O Why did you have to go?
When all we wanted was to say hello”
Somehow We managed to get through the day but only with the unfailing help of Jan, without her we would have fallen in a big heap, she made sure we did all the little things we would never have thought of, having never been in the situation before. Thanks to Jan we now have numerous foot and handprints, in ink and plaster, hair clippings, too many photos to count, a video of the birth and the blessing, her bracelets, her measuring tape and the presents that Alanah’s big sister and brother, Jacinta and Jared had brought for her. We also have the wonderful 6 hours or so that we spent with Alanah and in that time she met and cuddled almost every single person who would have been important in her life, Mummy & Daddy, big Sissy and Brother, Grandma & Gandie, All her uncles and aunties and her Godparents.
We let her go back to the hospital staff at about 8:45pm Monday night so that she could be taken for an autopsy, as there had been no indication at all of what could have caused Alanah’s death, there hadn’t even been meconium in the waters, so there were no signs of stress at all, like she’d just gone to sleep and never again awoken.
Matt's parents and grandparents arrived as soon as they possibly could and were back in Queensland from Victoria by Wednesday afternoon. This was great as it meant Alanah got to met her Nan and Pop and Great Nan. Great Pop was there also. We buried Alanah on Saturday 15th January. It was a gorgeous day, not a cloud in the sky. We had a traditional church service but instead of having biblical readings we had verses by Helen Steiner Rice. At the gravesite service we played “A Little Ray of Sunshine” and Alanah’s Uncle Steve read a poem he had written on the night he had found out about his niece, this was especially lovely because my brother has never before even written a postcard in his life! There were so many people there, I was amazed that the passing of one perfect little life could affect so many different people.
We are three months down the road to healing and with the love and support of each other, and the additional support provided by our wonderful families and fantastic friends I think we are slowly getting there. They say things like this sort out your real family and friends and I am really pleased to say that we have lost very, very few , if any, of either. The other side, that nobody ever seems to mention are the new friends you make with people have experienced like situations, and these will be life-long friendships.
The pain hasn’t gone away, it never will and I don’t really want it too, it’s something special I have for Alanah.
