I was going to be a mommy and I was so very excited! I just couldn't wait for the day to hold our little one in my arms. To see a smaller version of his or her daddy. I had a wonderful pregnancy. I never experienced morning sickness or any complications. Everything was going so great. I was in heaven. Everything happened so quickly. It is all still a blur. Within minutes I lost my vision and was rushed to a hospital via an ambulance. I was taken to a local hospital and then transported to Johns Hopkins University. I was immediatley put on life support where I stayed for a week. I delivered Harley on May 5. He was full term and gorgeous. Harley died due to lack of oxygen. I was read my last rites twice and never expected to live. I have no recollection of delivering our son. I became conscious on Mother's Day. That is when my world came crumbling down around me. Ray and my parents told me that we lost our son. I didn't want to believe them at all. I thought that the nurses would be bringing in my son at any minute. How could they be lying to me about something like this? I wanted our son in my arms. I cried and cried until I fell asleep from exhaustion. This was not the first Mother's Day that we had planned to have at all. Babies aren't supposed to die! Why was this happening to us? What had we done to this? These question and many more were running through my head. I just kept asking to hold our son. The hardest thing I had to do was leave the hospital without our baby in my arms. I had to go past the nursery on my way out and that tore my heart out. Parents are supposed to go before their children not the other way around! I was sent home on strict bed rest. I couldn't do anything. I wasn't allowed to shower, walk, drive, or leave my bed. That didn't help me at all. I sat at home all day and cried. I felt so alone. My family and friends were great through it all. They tried to help me in so many ways. I just didn't know what I wanted. Nothing seemed normal to me. I didn't have Harley with me and I wasn't sure if I could make it through all of this. We began to plan a memorial service for our son. It took place a month later. I wasn't strong enough to have it any earlier. It was a beautiful service and many people came for it. That made Ray and I both feel real good. My life will never be the same since we lost Harley and that will never change. We both think about him everday. Yes, time has helped but we will never be whole again. Part of us died with our son. All of the plans that we had for the future had totally been changed. I found a lot of support on the internet. Women here have helped me out so much. Thay have helped me to realize that I am not alone. Don't try to handle something like this on your own, reach out for help. Accept all of the love and guidance that others offer. I will always think about Harley. He is and always will be our son, our little angel. I enjoy doing things to keep his memory alive. I don't want anyone to ever forget about our son. Harley will always be our most prized accomplishment! We love you Harley Michael till the day after never!!! The Busiest Day in Heaven It's the busiest day in Heaven, I'm planning a big surprise to let you know I love you and that no one ever dies. Even though you're down below and I am up above, I'm sending you these wishes and all my angel love. It's really quite exciting to plan this big event, for lots of gifts will come your way and all are Heaven sent. First I'll take a bubble bath - my splashes might cause some rain, but knowing all the fun I'm having, will help to ease your pain. Next I'll get some pictures in my halo and my gown, so when you get to Heaven, you can show them all around. I have color crayons in Heaven, so I'll draw some stars so bright and place them in the sky today for you to see tonight. Then Jesus will have story time, and I will sit upon his lap. He'll tell me all about you just before I nap. I'll wake up full of energy and play a game or two, before I finish sending all my love to you.   After snack I'll write a song for all the birds to sing, and know I've made you happy with all the joy it brings. At night time I'll be tired, but I'll still hold you tight. My arms will wrap around you and keep you through the night. And when you finally slumber, I will kneel to pray, asking God to bless you on this special Mothers' Day. Love, Your Little Angel We are unsure of the author to this poem so if you know please tell us so we can give credit where it is due. My Dad is a Survivor My Dad is a survivor too... which is no surprise to me. He's always been like a lighthouse that helps you cross a stormy sea. But, I walk with my dad each day to lift him when he's down. I wipe the tears he hides from others. He cries when no one's around. I watch him sit up late at night, with my picture in his hand. He cries as he tries to grieve alone, and wishes he could understand. My Dad is like a tower of strength. He's the greatest of them all! But there's times when he needs to cry... Please be there when he falls. Hold his hand or pat his shoulder... and tell him it's okay. Be his strength when he's sad, Help him mourn in his own way. Now, as I watch over my precious Dad from the Heavens up above... I'm so proud that he's a survivor... And, I can still feel his love! Copyright 1998 Kaye Des'Ormeaux KDezamo@aol.com Sign My Guestbook View My Guestbook