Now I don't exactly remember what day I found out I was pregnant, but I do remember feeling so many mixed emotions about it all, for I was not with Angel's father very long before I got pregnant. I was scared and alone, not knowing what to do. But I also felt an overwhelming amount of love growing inside me, a love that I know I could never replace or lose. So many people suggested the 'solution' of abortion to me, which was NOT in the question at all. I would never abort my precious baby. Afterall, I knew what the consequences were of what I had been doing and I did it anyway. Not the very responsible thing to do, I might add, but I was not going to be even more irresponsible in my eyes and kill the love that was now living inside my womb. Every day I wrestled with the stress of not knowing what I was going to do, but I knew someway, somehow we (Angel and I) would be just fine. And even though I was very early along, I did a lot of the things newly expectant mothers do, I registered at the maternity clothing store near my work. And not too long after that my worst nightmare had started to come into fruition. On the night of April 26, 1999 Chuck (Angel's father) and I had a huge argument and I was crying for much of the night, and when I went to the bathroom, I noticed some blood and I yelled for my mom and she called the doctor. The advice nurse told us to come in the next morning and that we did... April 27, 1999 was the day I learned that the most beautiful things in life are free...that was the first day I saw my Angel on the ultrasound machine, so tiny and yet so perfect. According to Dr. Ryan everything was a-okay, and she said that bleeding sometimes occurs in the first trimester and that my cervix was still long and hard and closed, so she said I had nothing to worry about. But, me, being the worry-wart that I am, worried anyhow...I *knew* something just wasn't right, a woman isn't supposed to bleed while pregnant. But I trusted the doctor and made myself believe that she was right and I became elated and immediately showed everyone my pictures of my sweet Angel. And I absolutely thrived on the oohing and ahhing. I knew that she was going to be a hit:) And for about a week everything was okay and I was my elated pregnant self, even smiling during morning sickness, but in the back of my mind, I knew something wasn't right, so that's why I relished everything about being pregnant. Then one week later on May 4, 1999 Chuck and I were once again arguing, horribly, and once again I was crying for most of the night and bleeding again ~ which made me cry even more. But now I was having slight cramps, and that scared me even more. So once again there we were, the next day, in Dr Ryan's office and having another ultrasound done, in which she said pretty much the same as last week. But this time I was completely and utterly amazed at how much Angel had grown and she was dancing and I remember clearly seeing her little heart beating. Even Dr Ryan said 'What a good baby, she is' and even though I have never been able to clinically find out for sure if Angel was a girl or boy, that little slip by Dr Ryan is what sealed it for me, because I had been thinking and hoping and having all the 'symptoms' of having a girl. So, there I was, no better or worse than last week, but very happy with the new pictures I got of my angelbaby. I was put on strict bed-rest for the rest of the day and I did that, but the next day I met up with my ex-fiance and his current fiance (they are both friends of mine), and I truly believed I was okay, even though I was spotting all day, I didn't think much of it because of the past 2 times having been 'okay'. But when I got home, the bleeding just became heavier and heavier, and that's when I got worried (this was May 6,1999 night). So on Friday morning (May 7, 1999), that's when the true nightmare became reality for me....I went in to Dr Ryan's office, but only it wasn't Dr Ryan who tended to me, it was a doctor who I hadn't seen yet, Dr Satogkit (sp?). And when she did the ultrasound and I saw how still Angel was, I knew something was wrong, but she moved the 'indicator' around and Angel moved her little arm and Dr Satogkit found her heartbeat, but I knew something wasn't right because she had been moving so much just 2 days earlier and she was so still now. And not only that, but Dr Satogkit informed me that my cervix was slightly open, but if I took the rest of the weekend off and rested, that I should be okay and that at 12 weeks they would do a cerclage. After that she told me to get dressed, go home and stay off my feet, but as I was getting off the table I wasn't even fully standing up when I felt something 'pop' inside, and immediately had to go to the bathroom, and I told the doctor, but she just left the room. So, with my last picture of Angel Lily in hand, I waddled my way to the bathroom and it was nothing but blood, I knew in my mind, then that it was the beginning of the end, but I just couldn't and WOULDN'T accept that in my heart. Outside the ladies room door I heard the doctor telling my mom that even if I did make it long enough to have the cerclage that, it wouldn't guarantee that the baby would survive. That scared me so much, but I was determined not to let that happen, my baby and I were a team, it was us against the world. But when I got home the bleeding got progressively worse and so did the cramps. The cramps got so bad that I would literally pass out from the pain, for sleep was the only time I wasn't in pain. I called the doctor at least 4 times that weekend and they just kept telling me that there wouldn't be anything they could do and to just come in on Monday morning (May 10, 1999). So for that weekend (Mother's Day weekend) I was couch-ridden. The clots became bigger and I truly believe I passed Angel later Friday afternoon, and flushed her (something that has taken me VERY long to accept and realize that she knows I would have never done it had I had any inclination that it was her). So went the worst weekend of my life. And there we were, once again, on the way to the doctor on Monday morning and I said to my mother in the elevator (while my dad parked the car) 'It's so torturous knowing that you are going to find out whether your child has died or not' and she just grabbed me and hugged me. Even though I knew in my mind she was gone, once again my heart refused to accept it. So in the office, yet ANOTHER doctor tended to me, Dr Willard, and she was very cold in nature to me, which I didn't like, but I have accepted that it wasn't her fault. There I was, in the stirrups, head turned to the left and praying 'please God no, please God don't have let my baby died', but then I heard the words that haunt me to this day 'Yep, it's open, it's a miscarriage'.... The next hour or so is kind of a blur in my mind, for my mom says I screamed a God awful bloodcurdling scream, but I couldn't hear it, I was in too much of a shocked state. I do, however, remember crying so hard my eyes and chest and heart felt like they were going to bust. But I know that I must have screamed loud because my dad could hear me in the waiting room. I got up from the table and my mom had to catch me because I fainted. My mom called Chuck and told him to meet us at the hospital, but he never arrived. The ride to the hospital was way too short to me, I felt like they were going to take her away from me and I didn't want to go. Even though I knew I had to. At the hospital they sedated me through an IV (which I still have the scar from on my hand and is actually my favorite part of my body). I was led through the doors into the maternity ward and I almost fainted again from hearing the babies cry. I slipped into the gown and into the bed and was so weak from crying and the sedation all I could do was whimper, but it felt like I was crying with all my might....which I actually was. Next thing I know I am walking into the O.R. and thinking of how much it really looked so surreal, and when I was being put under anesthesia, I once again, in a last stitch effort to have my baby back, prayed 'God, if my baby has died, please don't let me wake up'. But against my wishes, I did wake up, in a big, white, cold, lonely room with no one, not even a nurse in sight, and once again I began to cry with all my might. I knew then that it was truly over... I would hear no first words... witness no first steps... never see my baby off on her first day of school... or cry at her wedding...the only place I would hold my angelbaby would be in my heart. I cried and cried for all those memories I would never get to have with her. I still do cry for all those things that I will never have with her, but I know now that crying is okay. I have come a long way in the past 9 months, but I do know that I have a long way to go, too. Angel Lily was due on December 2, 1999, and on that day I went to a local cemetery and released some balloons along with a note to her and a lily attached to them. And I plan to plant some lilies in my front yard for her on her 1 year 'birthday' in Heaven this May and I will continue to release balloons for her on her anniversary dates. I have, also, read numerous books and spoke with a lot of bereaved parents, also. In October (ironically on Chuck's birthday) I went to a memorial called 'A Baby To Remember' at a local hospital. I am in therapy right now to help me get through this, for I know I will never truly be 'over' it, for I will never stop loving my Angel Lily and someday she and I will be together again... {\O/}You don't have to hold onto the pain to hold onto the memory{\O/}