| St. Johns Masonic Lodge No 788 Cairncastle. (Province of Antrim) |
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| Officers of the Lodge - Submited by Wor. Bro. A.C. Tweed ================================================================================ A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow Mason about his difficulty in a pub one day, and his friend said, "I know a man down the road who sells parrots who know the ritual and can prompt you when you have any trouble." So the next day, off he went to the shop, where the owner told him he had three such parrots. He pulled back a curtain and there they were sitting in their cages, one with a Master Mason apron on, one with a Worshipful Master's apron on and the last one wearing the apron of Grand Lodge. The wee Mason asked the owner how much was the parrot wearing the Master's apron. "£2000" said the owner, "but he knows all the Ritual, including the inner workings, and will always prompt you when you get stuck." "No, No." says the wee Mason, "too expensive. What about the one with the MM apron on?" "Well" says the owner, "thats £1000, but he knows all the Ritual, but not the inner workings, and will always prompt you when you get stuck." "No" says the wee mason, "Still too expensive, "what about the one with the Grand Lodge apron on?" "You can have him for £10." says the owner?. "£10." says the wee Mason, "Why so cheap? He must know all the ritual and the inner workings?" "Oh Yes" says the owner, "he knows it all, but when you make a mistake, all he does is sit there, shake his head and goes tut! tut! tut!" ================================================================================ After receiving his first degree, a man returned home to his wife. Although he told her he couldn't talk about the degree, she kept pestering him to tell her something. He finally gave in and said, "I can tell you this. It seems like there are three kinds of men in the lodge: the walkers, the talkers, and the holy men. After I first entered the lodge room, the walkers kept me moving from one place to another. Every place we stopped there was a talker who gave a long speech." "Well," his wife asked, "who are these holy men?" "They were a bunch of men sitting on the sidelines," he responded, "and every time one of the talkers was speaking, these guys covered their faces with their hands and kept saying 'Oh, my God...oh, my God.'" ================================================================================ There was another husband who, in response to questioning from his wife, decided to tell her an outlandish story. "Well," he said, "we put a naked woman on the altar and then dance in a circle around her." "Do you look?" asked his wife. "Of course I look," he said. "Otherwise I'd be an Oddfellow." ================================================================================ A brother Mason died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving him a tour of the place when they entered a huge room filled with clocks, all showing different times. "There's one clock for each lodge," Peter said, "and every time a mistake is made in the ritual, that lodge's clock moves ahead one minute." The brother looked for his lodge's clock in vain. Finally he turned to St. Peter and asked where it was located. "Well, it got kind of hot in the kitchen," said the Saint, "and we needed a fan..." ================================================================================ Question: How many Masons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the last lightbulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines to say, "That isn't the way we used to screw in lightbulbs." ================================================================================ A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says, "I'm here to receive my Fellowcraft degree." The Tyler looks at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and asks for an explanation. "I was entered on May 1, 1932. Now I'm ready for the next degree." The brothers go scurrying for the records, and sure enough, there was his name, entered on May 1, 1932. "Where have you been all these years? What took you so long to be ready for your Fellowcraft degree?" they asked. "Oh," he said, "I've been learning to subdue my passions!" ================================================================================ A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing. "What's going on?" he askes a spectator watching from the side-lines. The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of St Columba." "What's the score?" asks the first man. "I don't know, it's a secret." ================================================================================ A tired old mason whose hair was grey, Came to the gates of Heaven one day, When asked, what on earth he had done the most, He said he had replied to the Visitors Toast, St Peter said as he tolled the Bell, Come inside my Brother you've had enough of Hell. ================================================================================ There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he's very drunk. A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition? Man: II'mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on FFreemmassonnrrry. Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night? Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme! ================================================================================ A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as no great distance was involved he would go on his bicycle. Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge. Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honour, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord. ================================================================================ Masonic Blooper WM Bro SW, the labours of the evening being ended, you have my command to close the L * SW Brn, in the name of ... (looks confused and mumbles ) Good God what's his name again ================================================================================ A wee fella from Larkhall appeared on Matermind, his chosen subject was The Masonic Lodge - 1812 to 1900. He took the chair and Magnus Magnusson started the quiz with the first question. "In which year did the woman's section of the Masonic Lodge evolve"? The wee fella replied "Pass". "Next question - By the turn of the century, how many Masonic Lodges were there established in Scotland"? The wee fella replied "Pass". "Your third and final question" - "Who was the founder and eventual Grand Master of Lodge 2164 in Ayrshire"? Again the wee fella replied "Pass". "Your time's up. You've passed on all three questions with a total score of nil", announced Magnus Magnusson just as a voice rang out from the audience. "That's the game wee man - telll him bugger all". Thanks Alex (Dingwall, Scotland) |
| There's Masonic Light and sometimes Masonic Lite. Here's a sample of the latter. |
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| A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to God. The postman, seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it. It was from a man who was down on his luck and was asking God for help. The letter asked for £50 to get his family through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to his Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twenty five pounds from the Brethren. The Treasurer placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did. Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to God. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the twenty five pounds, but instructed him to send it through the Knights of Colombus next time as the Masons kept half. ================================================================================ A Doctor and a Plumber are in the same Lodge. On Sunday morning the Doctor wakes up to find that his toilet is blocked, so he rings the Plumber. "But I don't work on Sunday's! Can't it wait until tomorrow." The Doctor says. "I don't like working Sundays either, but, if YOU were in trouble, and felt unwell Brother, I wouln't hesitate to come round and see you." "OK." says the Plumber and goes round to see the Doctor. Goes upstairs and looks at the toilet, takes two aspirins from his pocket and throws them down the bowl. "There" he says "If it's no better in the morning, give me a ring, and I will call round." ================================================================================ While visiting a newly initiated Brother at home one day, the new Brother's wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving in a very strange manner since joining. "In what way? I asked her. "Well." She replied."He locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book." Later that evening, I turned the talk around to the Lodge, and asked him how he was getting on. "Oh, fine." was his reply. I asked him about his behaviour, and if there was anything wrong? "No." was his reply. "Then why read the Laws and Constitutions in the toilet?" "Well." He said. "It's the only TYLED room in the house...." ================================================================================ A small Lodge (suprisingly called Carnlough) had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a Candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioning system (two fans and an open door) broke down. After sweating their way through the opening of the Lodge, the Candidate was brought in, in due form. The reception and Obligation then ensued and finally the Master (John) asked the Candidate what he most desired, the Candidate replied "A beer." At this juncture, the Conductor (V.W.Bro. McCutchin) whispered in the Candidates ear "LIGHT." "OK," said the Candidate, "A LITE beer." ================================================================================ Bro. John and Bro. Sam are getting dressed and prepared for a Lodge meeting one night. When John takes his apron out of the case, Sam notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case. Sam askes: "I say, John, I couldn't help noticing but what's with the ladies underwear?" John takes a quick round and whispers to Sam: "You remember the Installation dinner last year? Well keep this a secret, but, on the way home I stopped at a pub and met this lovely woman. Apparently she lost her stockings in the back seat of my car and of course my wife found them. I had to tell her that I had been passed to a higher Degree, and ever since she takes them out of my case every month, washes them, and puts them back in with my gloves!" ================================================================================ Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous light bulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain that this wasn't the way they USED to screw in light bulbs. ================================================================================ Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: After much research, this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows: 2 to origionally that the light isn't working. 1 to pass the problem on to either another committee, the Board of General Purposes or to the Wor. Master. 3 to do a study on light in the Lodge room. 2 to check out the type of light bulb the Knight's of St.Columbus use. 3 to argue about it. 5 to plan the fund-raising dinner to raise enough money for the bulb. 2 to complain "that's not the way we used to do it." 1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it. 1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed. ================================================================================ Some few years ago, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the polic officers of a small rural township (Cairncastle?) had to show to the community that the RBT was working. They decided, on an Installation night, to stake out the local Masonic Hall, then, as the night wore on, eventually a Mason slowly came down the steps and got into his car. The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to "blow into this bag, Sir." He did as he was asked but, to the amazement of the officers, it proved to be negative. Fearing a faulty bag tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction, they then escorted him to the Police station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative. Being upset with this (as they usually are) they asked the man what had gone on inside the hall and what he had done that evening, to which he answered, "The Prov. Grand Master was there, the Prov. Grand Secretary was there and several past and present Prov. Grand Officers were there also and we all had a great time, as to my job, I was the Prov. Grand Decoy." ================================================================================ |
One evening, after a Brother had been a guest at an Installation, he had partaken of too much of the good things in life, and his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state. As his home was some distance away, he insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and after much persuasion, that is exactly what he did. When eventually he got home the next day, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone, and she did not believe his story about staying with a Brother because of the state he was in, but wondered if he had been with another woman. However, she pretended to believe him, by asking how the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other Brethren had been there, and all the regular questions that wives ask. He told her that it had been an excellent Installation and that 65 Brethren had attended etc. However, at the next Lodge meeting, when the Secretary arose to read out the correspondence, he read a letter from the man's wife asking if the Brother, whose house her husband had stayed in, would write to her and confirm her husband's story, that he had stayed the night at his house as he was unfit to drive home. The next day in the post she received 64 letters. ================================================================================= A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be executed. Just before the sentence was carried out, the executioner asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes," came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the executioner. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the policeman who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecuting Council who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason and all the men on the Jury who found me guilty, and said I should be executed, were Masons!" "Is that all?" Asked the executioner. "Yes." replied the man. "Then you will advance, one step with your left foot, placing.............." ================================================================================ Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddeny a thick cloun formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour, they realised that they were well and truly lost. A short time later they came across a large hole in the cloud and spotted a gentleman down below walking his dog across a field. They had a few moments to exchange pleasentries, and, found that he too was a member of the Craft. The men in the balloon enquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200 feet up in a balloon." Just then the cloud closed the hole, and they were alone again. One turned to the other and said, "I bet he's the SECRETARY of his Lodge!" "Why do you say that?", the other asked. "Well, what he has told us is absolutely true - but in our present situation, is totally useless!" ================================================================================ |
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