Sorry I haven’t written in a while. Actually I don’t know why I still bother to keep a diary. Why do people keep diaries anyway? Are they hoping that someone would find their life fascinating enough to turn it into a book? My life would make a pretty pathetic book. Or is it to read over and remember their life? I can’t bear to read my old entries. Every single one of them since I moved to Sunnydale talk about Angel and the ones before that are full of me whining about a bad hair day or something. My reason now I guess would be to pass time. Everyday feels like a hundred and even though I’ve already gotten great at brooding in the dark, sometimes it feels good to brood on paper. I wrote letters to my mom and Giles today but I couldn’t bring myself to mail them. They all came out sounding incredibly lame, or that’s what I tell myself anyway. I called Willow, the sadness in her voice when she answered made me feel ten times worse than I already did. I couldn’t even speak, I just hung up. I am such a coward, what a wonderful characteristic for a Slayer to possess. It should’ve been me instead of Kendra.
I saw him again today, of course it wasn’t really him, it never is. I think I’m starting to lose my mind. Last night was my worst dream yet. It seems like they’re getting worse every night. I was torturing him in Hell with the same sword that I used to send him there and everytime his screaming would die down I twisted the sword, ripping his stomach open a little more each time. When I finally pulled the sword out, he fell to the floor and whispered "I love you, Buffy" before being dragged into a pit of smoldering coal and letting out a scream of pain that echoed through my ears even after I woke up. I despise my sub-conscience for tainting the most beautiful words I’ve ever heard with a nightmare. Man… when did I get so wordy? I miss Giles. I just wanna know when it’s going to stop. When will I stop seeing him everywhere I go? When am I going to stop crying inside and out loud? When will the nightmares stop? When will I be able to face my friends again? When am I going to accept that he’s really gone? When will I let go? When is my Angel going to come back to me…?
-Buffy-