Is he still standing there?
"Angel, I think it’d really be for the best if you went." He says quietly.
No, it wouldn’t. There’s no way I could be around that many people without the darkness hiding me. I could never look into her husband’s grief-stricken face without snapping. I don’t want to see her like that; I will not let the last time I see her be like that!
"I can’t." I croak without even realizing that I was saying it out loud until I had.
"I understand." Wesley says and closes the door.
I half expected him to try to get me to go to my room but he just leaves. I have no idea whether its night or day outside, all my senses are completely numb. I can hear somebody coming towards the room.
The door creaks open again and the scent of blood fills my nostrils. The smell is awful and I stumble across the room and vomit several times. I notice that tears are pouring down my face again as I crawl back to my corner and the light from the opening door shows me that my tears are still made of blood. It’s Cordelia, she’s just as afraid as Wesley was, that’s the difference between other people and Buffy. At least as far as I am concerned anyway. Buffy never smelt like fear around me, not even when I had my fangs buried in her neck.
"You need to eat something Angel."
She’s brought some blood up. My stomach starts twisting and making odd noises but I know with certainty that I don’t want that blood anywhere near me.
"Angel, you’ve been up here for two days and you’ve lost a lot of blood and I am not leaving until you drink this." She says as sternly as she can manage.
I know I’m not drinking anything, I want to be alone in the dark so I can forget that I’m still here and she’s not, but most of all I want her out of here. The last thing I need is someone trying to baby me. Cordelia keeps standing there, annoying me more and more by the second.
"You want to lock yourself away from the world? That’s fine with me, but I will not let you starve." She says.
Ha.
"Cordelia, I am two-hundred and fifty four years old, I do not need to be coddled so get the hell away from me!" I yell at her, my voice oddly strong, my gameface slipping on.
She stands there shocked for a moment and then she starts crying. She sets the mug of blood down and closes the door behind her. Thank God. I don’t think I’ve ever cursed at her like that before, I can’t bring myself to feel bad about it, I don’t really care, I will later, if there is a later for me, but not now. I can hear her sobbing to Wesley and I feel more apart from them than I ever have. Things get silent and dark again and I can hear Angelus taunting me.
‘It’s your fault she died! She never loved you! She only married Tom so you would give up hope for your relationship with her and leave her alone. She wanted me more than she ever wanted you anyway! You couldn’t even save her from dying a third time! You can’t save anybody!’
I regard him as a foolish child, he misses the days when he could tempt me and play antagonist to my conscience but he can’t do that now. He only shows up when I’m alone in the dark like this, "brooding" I believe is the popular term.
‘The love of your pathetic excuse for a life just died and you’re sitting in the dark like the pussy you are!’
"You’re just pissed because I’ll never have that moment of happiness again." I say out loud to him and almost smirk.
Those words sink in like a jagged knife cutting through me and I hear his laugh echo through the room, this cuts through the last string my mind had with rational thought for an uncertain amount of time.
The next thing that snaps me back into reality is the realization that the last person, whoever that was, has left the hotel and I truly have a hundred rooms to be alone with my grief in. I’m not sure if this is comforting or frightening, both probably. Comforting because no matter how ‘human-like’ I get, I’m still a demon and I’m not sure exactly what I’m doing or what I would do, so with them gone at least they’re safe. I can’t believe I just thought that, would I really hurt them? It’s frightening because I don’t ever want to see anyone ever again, I have no desire to see any of my friends again because I don’t think I can get past this and I don’t need them trying to comfort me when they just can’t. If someone as remarkable as Buffy can’t live a long healthy life then there is no point to anything.
^^^^^^
~Offscreen Meeting, during Buffy S6 and Angel S3~
"Buffy, we can’t."
She continued to attack his mouth, breaking the desperate kiss only to push him into the backseat of his car and pin him on his back.
"Baby stop. You know what’ll happen…please!" Angel tried to beg but it came out as barely a protest because his Slayer was grinding herself against him and creating the delicious heat and friction that Angel never thought he would feel again.
His jacket seemed to have disappeared, Buffy’s burning hands slid beneath his shirt, and she scraped her nails across his nipples. Buffy smiled as her lover moaned at her actions and then slid her hands across his abs and began caressing the bulge in Angel’s jeans.
Angel began to become even harder and he knew if he didn’t stop this now, Angelus would be free within the next hour. He flipped her onto her back and pinned her down with his body, holding her wrists down.
"This can’t happen Buffy, you know that." Angel said as sternly as possible.
They both were panting violently.
"Fine!" Buffy said and pushed Angel off of her and then climbed out of the car.
"I’ll just go home to Spike." Buffy said bitterly as she walked to her car.
"Buffy…that’s not the answer." Angel said with difficulty.
"You’re right, this was, but sense you don’t seem to be UP for it, I’ll have to settle." Buffy spat out, got into her car, slammed the door and sped away.
^^^^^^
That night scared me more than anything. She was so broken and she honestly didn’t care. I should’ve followed her back to Sunnydale right then but at least our next meeting was less scary, just as heartbreaking but definitely less frightening.
^^^^^^
~ After ‘Grave’, before ‘Tomorrow’ ~
Angel sleepily got up after hearing the quiet knocking on his hotel room door.
He could tell by the knock that it wasn’t Lorne, Wesley, Cordelia, Gunn or Fred. He opened the door and found Buffy standing there with tear-filled eyes. Buffy stared into his eyes, silently begging for forgiveness. Angel paused a moment and cupped her face with both of his hands and kissed her on her forehead.
Buffy began sobbing and immediately pulled him into an embrace. Angel held her until her sobbing had reduced to quiet sniffling. He led her over to his bed and he got in and under the covers and then held them up invitingly. Buffy looked at him, unsure of what to do. Angel’s eyes reassured her and she slipped off her shoes and climbed in with her back to him. He inlocked his arms around her waist and she rested against his chest.
"I was so horrible to everyone." She said after a minute of silence.
"You were under unreal circumstances Buffy."
"Even so, I sh-shouldn’t have been a bitch to you… y-you’re th-the only one who stays on my side… ev-everyone else, th-they-" Buffy stuttered and then began sobbing again.
"Shh Buffy, baby it’s ok." He said and pulled her closer.
"I’m so sorry Angel." She told him.
Both of them knew that she meant she was sorry for more than just their last meeting. Angel had known about her and Spike for the last couple of months.
"Are you still with him?" He asked delicately, trying not to start anything.
He was relieved that she didn’t smell like him but that just meant that it’d been a few showers since she’d been around him.
"N-no, h-he tried to-"
"He tried to what?" Angel asked, holding back his anger.
"I told him no, b-but I- we had been, so he was used to me s-saying yes-"
"No Buffy, don’t make excuses for him! That was not your fault, Spike might be stupid but he knows what no means! Where is he now?" Angel asked, half growling.
"He left, I haven’t seen him since then, I don’t think he’s coming back." Buffy said, quietly.
"Lucky for him." Angel said.
"Do you think I’m a slut?" Buffy asked quietly and turned around so that she was facing him.
"Why would I think that?"
"I slept with Spike."
"I slept with Darla, do you think I’m a slut?" Angel asked with a smirk.
Buffy looked at him and they both laughed. Angel pulled her so that her head was resting against his chest.
A few moments of silence passed as they enjoyed being close to each other.
"We’re going to get to be together, aren’t we?" Buffy asked tearfully and pulled back so she could look at him.
"You’re going to get your Shanshu and we’re going to be together aren’t we?" She asked, crying again.
"There’s no way I could know that Buffy." He answered, tears forming in his eyes.
"No, I can feel it, we belong together, you can feel it too. Tell me you can feel it too!" Buffy sobbed.
"God Buffy, I do, I try to forget but I feel it too!" Angel sobbed and held Buffy tightly as they cried themselves to sleep.
^^^^^^
So much for our prophetic feelings. The sound of water wakes me from my catatonia and I realize I’m in my shower and the scalding water is turning my pale skin red. I then briefly remember going through the motions of stripping. I can tell that its over, the fevered sleep and vivid memories of her are over and now I have to face the world outside and accept that she’s gone.
The white bathroom is very bright and everything is completely silent except for the water. I watch the blood mix with water and tornado down the drain. I’ve been scratching at the left side of my chest it appears for quite some time, I look out of the shower and on the floor and see that my boxers are soaked with blood too. I take the removable showerhead and wash the skin from beneath my fingernails and the blood off my chest. It begins to heal. As the blood washes off, I notice that I’d carved ‘BUFFY’ so deeply that you could see bone.
I stand under the scalding water for what seems like hours, my nerves are so over-stimulated that it’s easier to concentrate on that instead of the other stuff.
Simple thoughts are nice. The complex ones are on their way back though.
Hot water never bothered me but I can’t stand it when it begins to get cold. I turn off the water and step out but my feet nearly slip out from under me. Vampire balance holds up and I catch myself before hitting the ground but I sink to the floor anyway, clutching my stomach in pain.
Oh God, what’s wrong with me?
"The pain…" I croak and for the first time notice how dry and cracked my throat was.
I grab the sink and pull myself up. I feel so weak; I can practically feel my muscles deteriorating. I turn on the cold water and gulp it down. The cold freezes the inside of my throat all the way down to my stomach and then my chest is no longer numb.
I miss the numbness.
Now it’s cold, so cold, freezing. All my insides are freezing; I can feel it in my bones and lungs. I hate this, why did I have to start feeling again?
I turn on the hot water, which only gets luke warm because I ran out all the hot water in the shower. I gulp it down anyway, then waves of nausea hit me, and I fall to the floor again.
Sweat and tears are pouring down my face; they aren’t made of blood anymore. My head is pounding so hard that it’s difficult to form thoughts.
This isn’t like before, this isn’t missing Buffy, this is purely physical. What could it be? I feel like I’m dying. What have I done? Is it poison? Someone I ate? Not someone… don’t eat people anymore… I wonder what day it is…
My eyes pop open.
When was the last time I fed?