I could almost fool myself; I could almost make a convincing argument that none of what I recall last night was true. I could almost say it was all some sort of otherworldly nightmare, that Zero System had fucked with my mind as well as his.

...but there's still a warm spot on the bed beside me--it's okay. Not the first time I've been used this way; might not...might not be the last. I don't know. I just don't know.

He's probably off training with Zero again; he has to prove he can handle it. Some nights he comes back half-dead...some he doesn't come back at all and I have to go get him. That's why I'm here. I don't care how independent he is, he needs someone to look after him after these episodes: someone who won't hate him for it. I just wish he'd listen when I tell him he has to stop this. This...it's gone too far.

I know, I know, I started it: kissed him, just a peck on the cheek, trying to distract him, lighten the mood, get that glow out of his eyes. I was just teasing...wasn't I? Then suddenly he...and...and I think I said something stupid about him being fooled by all the hair and mistaking me for a girl. I wasn't trying to make him angry, but...I think that's when I earned myself the black eye. And the bloody lip. And the--feels like just two--cracked ribs. Could've been worse. So long as I don't have to get up, I'll be just fine. No problem.

...I wish I could go. I don't want to be here when he finishes tonight and comes back and sees how wretchedly weak I was. I suppose if I'd been stronger I'd have hit him back, threatened him, made him stop; but I just...let him do whatever he wanted to me. For me...to me. In me. Whatever. I don't remember it hurting so much, but...better me than someone else. Pain's the only friend of mine that stays, these days; may as well welcome it, especially if he's decided that this is what he wants to do. I tried to tell him it was all right--I thought maybe it would calm him down after...well. After.

It wasn't a lie, what I said. I do love him, just not as...not like this. I told him I loved him and he pushed back and turned away from me and didn't move for the rest of the night. I must have fallen asleep because I don't remember him getting up and leaving. I can feel on my face that I was crying in my sleep again, and he must have seen that. Damnit. If he hadn't already given up on me, I'm sure he has now...

Know what? Not gonna think of what he saw. Not gonna think of what happens tonight. I'm just going to take a shower, maybe a walk in the park if I'm not walking funny...it'll be okay; I won't let it be anything else. I'll have to go back to the painkillers, but that's not so bad. Not bad at all. In fact, I think I'll--

Oh. Hi, Heero. Don't sneak in like that, baka, you're gonna give me a heart attack. So, um...you came back for a bite to eat or what? I can get you something...

Hm? Oh yeah, lazy me, still in bed. You know I never get up until I have to--just lemme get dressed and I'll be right with ya. How's Zero treating you to--ow--today? Up to its usual crap?

What? Oh, nothing. Honest. Just a little stiff, that's all, once I get moving I'll be fine. Must be getting old before my time, eh? Heheh...heh...why are you looking at me like that?

I mean, like you've never seen me before. C'mon, it's me, Duo, remember? Sometime pilot, housekeeper and waste of space?

Erm, those were your words, Heero, not mine. I don't mind...well, besides the fact that it's true, you'd had kind of a rough day; that was back when you'd still forget your blackouts. Lots of progress since, ne? Buck up! You're improving! They'll never build a gundam you can't handle, no sir...

What's--um, okay. Yes, that's cute, Heero, now put the gun down. I think we've been through this before. C'mon, what's the matter with--

...yes. I know. I'll try to get the stains out. You're supposed to use cold water on blood, not hot, right? No problem at all. There's bleach around here somewhere and that'll get out anything...

Ah. Well, um...without admitting to too much knowledge, yeah, there's usually supposed to be some sort of lubrication involved so things don't...tear like that. No big deal--didn't hurt you, right? Did it? If it did, I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you, or--

Didn't I tell you to put the gun down? Heero. Heero, talk to me, here...what's on your mind? I won't tell anyone what...what happened, if that's your concern. I mean, I've got a reputation, too, you know, even if it's not so much compared to yours.

No one's gonna ask directly, baka...who would dare? It doesn't matter; I'll just say it's none of their business, or...what? That's all that's necessary. There are ways to talk around anything at all, Heero, that's my specialty, right up there with salvage--

Okay, that's close enough. Relax, Heero. I know you've been training, but please try to relax. If...if I have to lie to the others, I will, okay? For you. It's...it's all right. It's all right.

Don't stare, Heero, you're making me nervous. What stupid thing did I say this ti--

Well...yeah. If it means that much to you, and that's what you need, then...I can bend my own rules a little bit, ne? Not like anyone's keeping track but me. See? I'm flexible in all situations.

Heero, I didn't mean it like that. I didn't. C'mon, if I were teasing you, wouldn't I make it more obvious than that? I don't do subtle, you know--what?

That's...that's really up to you; doesn't matter so much to me either way. I've never heard of anyone dying this way, so it's...safe, I guess, as far as that goes. Better than demanding I play Russian roulette with you to get Zero out of your system, ne? Eh-heh...

What? Oh...they're just a little bruised; doesn't matter, I'm still breathing okay. I am. Put that down, Heero--what's this, shooting the horse with the broken leg or something?

A joke, baka; that was supposed to be a joke. Look, if you want me to shut up just say the word, I know you've had a hard time of it lately and there's not much I can do to put you at ease, just...whatever you want, okay? Whatever you need to get back in control.

Wait--what did I say wrong? What did I say? Don't...hey. Put it...just...put it down, and...

...oh, God...

"Heero, NO!! N--"