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| Q)- How long does it take before a pound bag of weed goes bad? (A)- Who knows, it ain't around long enough to find out. (Q)- Why did the stoner cross the road? (A)- Who else would follow the chicken. Some stoned dude walks into the 7-11. He goes up to the man behind the counter and says, "got any weed?" He says, "no!" So the stoner leaves. The stoner comes back and asks the guy behind the counter, "Hey you got any weed?" The man says, "No I told you yesterday, I don't have any weed." So the Stoner leaves again. The stoner walks in the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The clerk behind the counter says, "Look you fuckin' burnout we don't sell weed here, if you come in here again, I'm goin to nail your fuckin teeth to the floor!!!" So the stoner leaves. He comes in the next day."You got any nails?" "No", the clerk replies. The stoner looks at him in the eyes and says, "You got any weed?" If a schizophrenic stoner tries to commit suicide, do they consider that a multiple murder, or a hostage situation? (Q)- What is the difference between a stoner and a politician? (A)- Politicians don't inhale, they just suck. (Q)- How do you get a one armed hippie out of a tree? (A)- You pass them a joint. (Q)- What is it called when you eat a joint? (A)- A pot belly. Two stoners are at an apartment smoking out. Stoner#1 thinks he hears something. A half an hour later he says "Did you hear something?" A half an hour later..Stoner#2 says "Yea man I heard it too, maybe you should go get it." Another half an hour later he says "Yea maybe I should." So he gets the door. Standing outside is their 3rd stoner friend and he said "Wow,how'd you get here so fast" (Q)- How do you know when you've smoked enough? (A)- You start looking for directions on how to use a lighter. You might be a stoner if your bong gets washed more than your dishes. You might be a stoner if you thought "Air Bud" was a movie about weed that could make you fly. A stoner and drunk were walking down a hill. The drunk said, "I think I'm going to pretend I'm a bottle and just roll down the hill. So he did it. The stoner thought for a minute, then rolled down the hill. When he got to the bottom he seen the drunk was in pieces on the ground, so he walked over to him. The drunk looks up and says, "How did you make it without getting hurt?" The stoner said, "I pretended I was a joint!" A stoner called the fire department and said "Come quick my house is on fire!" The fireman asked "How do we get there?" The stoner says "DUH, the big red truck!" Two stoners are sitting on a porch. All of a sudden, a fire truck drives by at about 100mph. about 5 minutes later, one of the stoners says, "Damn, I thought they'd never leave!!!" A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that T.V. set in the window?" The owner looks at the T.V. set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the T.V. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that T.V. set in the window?" And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that T.V.?" The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!" The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "What makes you think I'm a pothead?" The owner looks back and says, "That T.V. you want is a Microwave." Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip? A: Because pot holder was taken The Pot Paradox: An empty bowl needs to be filled, a full bowl needs to be emptied. There's a stoner and a super genius sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says, "Hey I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you fifty bucks." The stoner says, "Alright, Man." The genius asks the stoner, "What is the Pythagorian Theory?" The stoner replies, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks. "Okay," the stoner says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?" The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. he hands the stoner fifty bucks and then asks, "So, what is the answer?" The stoner says, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks. These three guys die in a car wreck and they all go to Hell. When they arrive the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was. The first guy says, "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk." The Devil decides to lock him in a room with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol imaginable. The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room. The second guy says, "It's the women, i could never stay faithful to my wife." The devil opens up the second door and inside is nothing but the finest looking naked women as far as the eye can see. The guy was to be locked in for 100 years. He couldn't believe it and he went running into the room as the Devil locked the door behind him. The third dude says, "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up." The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10ft tall icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. he goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts and locks the door. One hundred years pass and the Devil returns to check on the three men. He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit, and piss. "i'll never drink again!" he says. The devil says it's good he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life. The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out twice as fast as when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams. The devil figures he's learned not to cheat on his wife and decides to give him a second chance too. The devil then comes to the third door. he opens it and sees nothing has changed. the stoner is still sitting there in the same position that he was 100 years ago. The Devil asks him if he's learned anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek, "You gotta light, man?" Q. What do you call a pot smoker with two doobies? A. Double jointed. Q. What do you call one bowl between three tokers? A. Malnutrition. Q. Why did the pot head plant cheerios? A: He thought they were doughnut seeds. "Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They searchthe shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open everypiece of wood, butfind no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!" Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt? A: A pot hole! |
| Welcome to High Delirium.. This is just a mere collection of Stoner Jokes and other humorous writings I've aquired from various persons/Creatures. I hope you enjoy them. I do not claim any as my own unless they have my name by them. -- Even though we all know these aren't entirely true for everyone, they are still funny....so shut the fuck up..hehe..-- |
| Q)- How long does it take before a pound bag of weed goes bad? (A)- Who knows, it ain't around long enough to find out. (Q)- Why did the stoner cross the road? (A)- Who else would follow the chicken. Some stoned dude walks into the 7-11. He goes up to the man behind the counter and says, "got any weed?" He says, "no!" So the stoner leaves. The stoner comes back and asks the guy behind the counter, "Hey you got any weed?" The man says, "No I told you yesterday, I don't have any weed." So the Stoner leaves again. The stoner walks in the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The clerk behind the counter says, "Look you fuckin' burnout we don't sell weed here, if you come in here again, I'm goin to nail your fuckin teeth to the floor!!!" So the stoner leaves. He comes in the next day."You got any nails?" "No", the clerk replies. The stoner looks at him in the eyes and says, "You got any weed?" If a schizophrenic stoner tries to commit suicide, do they consider that a multiple murder, or a hostage situation? (Q)- What is the difference between a stoner and a politician? (A)- Politicians don't inhale, they just suck. (Q)- How do you get a one armed hippie out of a tree? (A)- You pass them a joint. (Q)- What is it called when you eat a joint? (A)- A pot belly. Two stoners are at an apartment smoking out. Stoner#1 thinks he hears something. A half an hour later he says "Did you hear something?" A half an hour later..Stoner#2 says "Yea man I heard it too, maybe you should go get it." Another half an hour later he says "Yea maybe I should." So he gets the door. Standing outside is their 3rd stoner friend and he said "Wow,how'd you get here so fast" (Q)- How do you know when you've smoked enough? (A)- You start looking for directions on how to use a lighter. You might be a stoner if your bong gets washed more than your dishes. You might be a stoner if you thought "Air Bud" was a movie about weed that could make you fly. A stoner and drunk were walking down a hill. The drunk said, "I think I'm going to pretend I'm a bottle and just roll down the hill. So he did it. The stoner thought for a minute, then rolled down the hill. When he got to the bottom he seen the drunk was in pieces on the ground, so he walked over to him. The drunk looks up and says, "How did you make it without getting hurt?" The stoner said, "I pretended I was a joint!" A stoner called the fire department and said "Come quick my house is on fire!" The fireman asked "How do we get there?" The stoner says "DUH, the big red truck!" Two stoners are sitting on a porch. All of a sudden, a fire truck drives by at about 100mph. about 5 minutes later, one of the stoners says, "Damn, I thought they'd never leave!!!" A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that T.V. set in the window?" The owner looks at the T.V. set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the T.V. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that T.V. set in the window?" And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that T.V.?" The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!" The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "What makes you think I'm a pothead?" The owner looks back and says, "That T.V. you want is a Microwave." Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip? A: Because pot holder was taken The Pot Paradox: An empty bowl needs to be filled, a full bowl needs to be emptied. There's a stoner and a super genius sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says, "Hey I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you fifty bucks." The stoner says, "Alright, Man." The genius asks the stoner, "What is the Pythagorian Theory?" The stoner replies, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks. "Okay," the stoner says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?" The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. he hands the stoner fifty bucks and then asks, "So, what is the answer?" The stoner says, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks. These three guys die in a car wreck and they all go to Hell. When they arrive the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was. The first guy says, "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk." The Devil decides to lock him in a room with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol imaginable. The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room. The second guy says, "It's the women, i could never stay faithful to my wife." The devil opens up the second door and inside is nothing but the finest looking naked women as far as the eye can see. The guy was to be locked in for 100 years. He couldn't believe it and he went running into the room as the Devil locked the door behind him. The third dude says, "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up." The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10ft tall icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. he goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts and locks the door. One hundred years pass and the Devil returns to check on the three men. He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit, and piss. "i'll never drink again!" he says. The devil says it's good he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life. The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out twice as fast as when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams. The devil figures he's learned not to cheat on his wife and decides to give him a second chance too. The devil then comes to the third door. he opens it and sees nothing has changed. the stoner is still sitting there in the same position that he was 100 years ago. The Devil asks him if he's learned anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek, "You gotta light, man?" Q. What do you call a pot smoker with two doobies? A. Double jointed. Q. What do you call one bowl between three tokers? A. Malnutrition. Q. Why did the pot head plant cheerios? A: He thought they were doughnut seeds. "Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They searchthe shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open everypiece of wood, butfind no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!" Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt? A: A pot hole! |
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