Title: Key Rules
Couple: Val/Jon
warnings: none
Implement: hand, although mostly implied
I carefully negotiated my way
down the front walk towards the car mostly going by feel and instinct than
sight, since the massive flower arrangement I was carrying blocked my
view.
“Val I think I could manage
the front walk a lot easier, if you had purchased a slightly smaller
arrangement for your mother,” I said to Val who was walking with a fruit tray
just ahead of me. While I couldn’t
actually see him roll his eyes at me, I was certain he was doing it. I had been teasing him mercilessly since he
brought the arrangement home that afternoon to give to his mother for her
birthday.
“You know Val, this
arrangement is bigger than the floral sprays you see at funerals. If you aren’t careful, your mother is going
to think you are dropping hints about your inheritance.”
“Just drop it!” Exasperation was definitely coming out in
his voice. “Mom likes flowers. I
ordered flowers.” This was the problem,
and why Val ended up with the gigantic flower arrangement instead of a very
nice, but normal sized one. Val hates
shopping, any kind of shopping. The less work he has to do when shopping, the
happier he is, so instead of taking time to be specific with the florists, he
just gave them an amount and a desired pick up date. With little guidance and a pile of money to burn, the florists
went to town and created the colossal arrangement I was currently carrying. And it isn’t that there was necessarily
anything wrong with it-it would have been fine for a funeral or some event
where giant sized flower arrangements could be expected, but this was a
birthday gift for his mother. She
didn’t have anywhere to put it, and have it
look normal. It wouldn’t even work as a center piece on a table it was so
large.
I sensed more than saw Val
stop just ahead of me, and shifted the arrangement just enough to realize we
had finally reached the car.
“Here, hold this,” I heard
Val say, and before I could respond he placed the large fruit platter he had
been carrying in one of my hands. Then
I heard him gently patting his pants pockets.
I stood there carefully
balancing a flower arrangement in one hand, and a fruit platter in the other,
which is much more difficult than you might imagine, given the size of the
flowers and the fruit platter. It
wasn’t that either was especially heavy, but they were bulky, which made them
difficult to hold comfortably at the same time. I thought about putting one or the other on the car roof, but
with both items in my hands, I couldn’t see the car, much less maneuver myself
close enough to put something on it without risking dropping it or permanently
injuring myself. So I stood there as
the muscles in my arms started to tighten in protest while Val futilely
searched for his keys.
“Crap! I don’t have my keys, hang on a second while
I run in and get them,” he said as he turned to go back into the house at a
quick trot.
“Hey, wait! Um . . .Val? I can’t see, and these are heavy,” I tried to get his attention,
but he was a man on a mission after his keys.
Keys? Did he say keys? I couldn’t believe Val had lost his keys. If it had been a few weeks ago, I wouldn’t
have found it nearly as interesting, but just a few weeks ago a new rule was
born in the Mitchell-Lawrence household-a rule about keys.
The rule didn’t just show up
one day out of nowhere. It gradually
developed over time, and finally came to head when I lost my keys four times
over the course of a single week. So
now losing keys isn’t just frowned upon in our house, it isn’t tolerated at
all. It is now a “go straight to a
spanking, do not pass go, and do not collect two hundred dollars” type
rule. No exceptions.
Like I said, the rule didn’t
come out of nowhere. It wasn’t like Val
woke up one morning and decided we needed a rule about keys. Really other than some of the more obvious
rules, most rules in our relationship didn’t come out of nowhere. Just like a newborn baby doesn’t just show
up by stork delivery on the doorstep, most rules didn’t either. This one in particular was probably a longer
time coming than it should have been.
You see, I am not always the
most organized person. I tend to be
absent minded and forgetful, basically I am a scatter brain. Before meeting Val I had a long habit of
tossing things just anywhere, and then not knowing where I had left them when I
needed them again. Moving in with Val
helped fix some of this-mostly because he is very much an “a place for
everything and everything in its place” sort of guy. I gradually adjusted, sometimes with a little encouragement from
Val, to this style of living in almost everything but keys. I can’t explain why I found putting my
shoes, coat, and various household items where they went was an easy enough adjustment, but keys were
not.
Keys. Such little things,
they would almost seem insignificant given their size, except that they did
some very important things-like opening doors and lockers or starting
cars-especially starting cars. But
being little things, they had a nasty habit of easily vanishing. They could fall out of pockets, or off
tables and other surfaces. They could
be easily buried under other, larger things.
They could get left in unusual places or worse they could work their way
into small crevices, nooks and crannies. If anyone was a master at losing keys,
it would be me.
In the beginning the tendency
to lose my keys was something that caused the occasional frown from Val or
sometimes a mild comment about being more careful where I left them-often accompanied
by suggestions of where I should leave them. Then later Val might use some mild
disciplinary measures to reinforce the suggestions. For a while I would work harder to keep up with them and had some
success, but then I would slip back into old habits and start leaving them
wherever. For a pretty long time I
managed to keep the lapses far enough apart that Val didn’t notice it enough to
consider the problem a major one.
But then came the dreaded day
about three weeks ago. It was a
Saturday and started like any other day.
Val probably wouldn’t have noted the loss of my keys, except for the
fact that he had the day off and I didn’t.
I was already running a smidgen late, and went to get my keys off the
kitchen counter, where I thought I had left them the day before. Key word was I thought. Val took notice of my frantic searching but
wasn’t much help, when it came to finding them. I finally located them on top of the washer, hiding under a stack
of neatly folded dish towels. I managed
to find them before their loss made me late for work, but soon enough for Val
to give me a few reminders of where my keys belonged before I left. I managed to avoid getting into major
trouble that day, but the damage was done-Val was taking notes.
Sunday and Monday passed
without incident, and for those two days I was very diligent about keeping up
with where I had left them. I thought I
had dodged a bullet, but then came Tuesday.
I went to go grab the keys
off the rack by the door on my way to work-they weren’t there. Damn!
I went and checked my
dresser-no keys there either. I was
frantically searching through the couch cushions, when Val spotted me. I could tell by the look on his face that he
had me in his sights and the bullet was going to hit dead center. Val helped me backtrack enough to figure out
where the keys were hiding. It turned out that they were in the pocket of the
coat I had been wearing the day before.
I left the house that morning
with keys in hand, and luckily once again not late for work, but also with the
promise that we would discuss the lost keys that night. Work pretty much sucked that day, because at
the back of my head I couldn’t help but wonder just how much trouble I was in
and just what form the discussion was going to take. I ended up spending a good portion of the evening writing
lines-and with Val’s promise that my problem with my keys was about to land me
in deeper water if it continued to happen.
You might think that would’ve
been enough to set me right on the straight and narrow, and normally it might
have, had my propensity to lose track of time not gotten in the way of good
sense on Thursday.
Thursday. The day, at least in the life of Jonathan
Lawrence, that would go down in infamy.
Val had an early appointment and left early. I was up earlier than usual and noticed I had about a half hour
before I needed to leave, so I thought I would quickly check a few emails. That was a mistake, since I got a little
carried away and the quick check turned into 45 minutes. I had just enough time to get to work with a
few minutes to spare when I got up from the computer. I went to grab my keys off the key rack by the door-no keys. I ran back to the bedroom to look on the
dresser-no keys. I glanced at the
clock-and knew I had just enough time to get to work if I left the house right
then, but without keys there would be no leaving and I would miss my first
appointment, and I was booked solid that day-I didn’t have any cushion to make
up lost time or a missed appointment.
I muttered several other
slightly strong expletives as I frantically searched the bedroom trying to find
my keys. I was running like a mad man
through the house looking for them, when my eyes saw the valet key that came
with the car hanging from the rack. Shit,
why hadn't I thought of the valet key already.
I quickly grabbed the key and ran out the door to my car, figuring I
could locate my missing keys when I got home.
I wish I could say I felt guilty about losing my keys again, but the day
was so busy that all thoughts of keys, and the fact that Val had promised to
notch the discipline up didn’t really cross my mind-I didn’t have time to think
about it. The whole key incident that
morning just slipped completely from my mind and it stayed that way even after
I got home.
I had forgotten, mostly
because the evening hadn’t gotten any less hectic. I ended up having to pick up Val from work, because he noticed a
funny noise in the brakes and he wanted to drop the Jeep off at the shop for a
late appointment. By the time we got
home and ate dinner, I still hadn’t thought about losing another set of keys-I
didn’t even think about looking for them or really anything to do with
keys.
Later that evening Val got a
call from the shop, and they said the brakes had been fixed and the Jeep was
fine to drive. We decided to just get
up early the next morning to pick it up. I would take Val down to the shop, he
would pick his car up, and we would both go to our respective jobs from
there. Which was a good plan, had it
not been for my problem with keys.
Then came Friday. If it
wasn’t for the fact that the calendar in the kitchen said it was the 12th I
would have sworn it was really the 13th.
The “should’ve been” Friday the 13th started off bad and only got worse. First we overslept, because we forgot to
change the setting on the alarm clock.
It wasn’t too late, but it did mean we would have to rush through the
morning routine to get to the shop in time.
We both quickly got dressed and wolfed down our breakfast then started
to head out to the car when disaster struck. I realized my keys weren’t hanging
on the rack by the door. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I thought to myself,
then my brain desperately started trying to figure out just where I had left my
keys. I was almost certain I hadn’t put
them on the dresser, because I didn’t remember seeing them but I ran back to
our bedroom to check hoping I could find them quickly.
“Jon, where are you going, we
need to leave?” I heard Val call from
the living room. The last thing I
wanted to do was tell Val I didn’t know where my keys were. I looked on the dresser. No keys.
Shit! It was time to confess to
Val.
“Um, Val, I uh can’t find my
keys.” I said as I walked out into the
living room.
“Why?” Of course he would ask that question. It was a shame I didn't have an answer.
“I don’t know why, they just
aren’t where they should be. I guess I forgot to put them there.” Really bad excuse, and one I knew Val wasn’t
going to buy, but I had to say something.
“Damn!” I heard him
mutter. “We need to be at the shop
right now.” Then I saw his eyes light
up as he turned and left the bedroom.
Then my fate was sealed, when I heard him call back towards the
bedroom. “Jon, do you know where the
valet key is to your car?” Fuck!
It couldn’t be any worse than that-not
only had I lost my keys, but I had also managed to lose the damn valet key as
well.
I was at a complete loss of
words-and the last thing I wanted to do was tell Val I had lost both sets over
the course of 24 hours. I was still
trying to come up with a good explanation, when Val came back into the room.
“Well, um, . . . you see I,”
what followed that last bit was a major rush of gobbledygook i.e. verbal
diarrhea explaining what had happened.
Amazingly enough Val could speak fluent gobbledygook and somehow figured
out that I had managed to lose both sets of keys. I could see fire in his eyes at that point. Val didn’t get mad often, and he didn’t
really yell or anything when he was mad, but a mad Val was definitely something
to be avoided.
“How did you manage to lose
two sets of keys? Never mind, I don’t
even want to know right now how you managed.
Right now we need to find one of those two sets, and we WILL discuss
this tonight. Now any ideas where you
may have left either set of keys? When
was the last time you remember having them, what were you doing, what room were
you in?” The questions came rapidly. His voice was calm, but I could tell he was
pissed. The fire in his eyes, the way
he held his body all stiff, and the short clipped tone in his voice all spoke
to just how mad he was.
At that point no matter when we found the keys, we were both going
to be late for work. And Val doesn’t do
late. If Val was the dictator of his
very own kingdom tardiness would carry the death penalty. Thankfully I wasn’t in any danger of losing
my head, but I was pretty certain at that point that my butt was headed for
disaster.
“Come on Jon, think-where do
you remember last having the keys.”
I started to think back. “Okay, okay, let me see. I know I drove home in my car. And I know on Wednesday I had stopped by the
grocery store on the way home.” I shut
my eyes trying to visualize it. “I
know! I put the keys in my jeans
pocket, because I was carrying a bag of dog food and needed both hands for
that.” I opened my eyes.
“Did you check the hamper
yesterday?” he asked. I shook my head
in the negative.
“No, I don't think so, or at
least I don’t remember.” We both went
over to the hamper in the bedroom, no keys.
Not even any clothes. Val stood
up and lightly smacked his forehead.
“The hamper. I washed clothes yesterday, and emptied the
hamper.” We started towards the laundry
room. “No, wait, Jon, you go look in your
drawer for the jeans you were wearing and check the pockets-they may still be
in the pocket, I will check the laundry room.”
We both went off to do our respective searches, and a few seconds later
Val yelled that he found them in the washer.
As I drove the car to the
shop, Val called his secretary and my shop to let them know we would both be a
bit late.
All day at work I was
extremely torn. Torn between wanting
the work day to end quickly, so I could get it all over with, and wanting it to
stretch as long as possible so I could avoid the spanking I knew was
coming. I had no doubt that a spanking
was where things were headed. Not only
had I lost two sets of keys in two days, but I had made not only myself but Val
late for work in the process and like I said Val doesn’t do late. Ever.
That night our new rule was
born. Val pointed out that I had
developed a nasty habit of losing keys-as if I hadn’t noticed-and that habit
was starting to interfere with work-it was.
Then he laid out our brand new rule.
Basically I had three approved places, and only three places where my
keys could be. On the rack by the
door. In the dish on top of my dresser
or in my pants pocket, and the pants pocket only worked if I was wearing
them. Oh, and coat pockets didn’t count
either. If I lost my keys, or my keys
turned up in any place other than those three places I was going to get
spanked-period. There would be no
excuses and requests for clemency would not be entertained. Losing my keys from here on out was a zero
tolerance rule. I didn’t much like the new
rule, but I couldn’t deny my inability to keep up with keys was a problem and I
couldn’t argue that it was unfair. Val
had given me plenty of time and plenty of opportunities to fix the problem, but
I guess I needed a little more motivation.
After the birth of our new
rule, Val gave me the spanking I had been expecting all day. I knew it was coming, and I expected it to
be a bad one and it was. Val didn’t
show any mercy that night. He was
determined to make the point, and make it he did. I was still remembering and thinking about the new rule and lost
keys, as I juggled and balanced the platter and flowers waiting for Val to
return. I was only a teeny bit
resentful that Val had misplaced his keys, when I wasn’t allowed to, but only a
teeny bit. I heard the garage door
shut and the jingle of keys behind me.
As I heard Val approach, I griped at him.
“You know, it isn’t fair, if
I had lost my keys, I would be in trouble right now.” It was kind of hard to communicate my feelings with a fruit platter
in one hand a huge flower arrangement in the other. Val probably couldn’t even see my facial expression, and forget
body language.
“Enough.” Val said, as he lifted the fruit platter out
of my hands and put it in the car. “I
didn’t lose my keys, I left them inside hanging on the key rack, where they
belong. Now get in the car, we’re
running late,” he said with a smile as he took the flower arrangement and added
that to the back seat. Than he leaned
in to butter me up with a kiss.
“But Val,” I said as I sat
down in the passenger seat. He shot me
a drop it look as he got in the car and started it. I opened my mouth to give the argument one more try, but I had
barely opened my mouth when he said with a gentle smile.
“Don’t even try to argue what
just happened is the same as you losing your keys-four times in a single week I
might add. That doesn’t include all the
other times you lost them. How often
have I lost my keys in your memory?” I
racked my brain, I tried really hard, but I couldn’t come up with a single
time.
“Never?” I responded with a subtle smile. He nodded, and raised his eyebrow. “Okay, okay, point taken, they aren’t the
same.” I fiddled with the buttons on
the radio station trying to find something to listen to. After successfully finding something
tolerable to both of us I looked over at him with a grin on my face.
“You know Val, if you didn’t
have your keys, you could have just asked for mine-I knew exactly where they
were.” As I patted my right front pants
pocket.
the end