Stan Cappe
"Simon.
How's Blair?"
"He's fine, Jim."
"Thirsty."
"The doctor said just ice chips. Okay?" Jim nodded and Simon put
a
spoonful of chips in his mouth." Hey, you still with me, Jim?"
"Yeah." Jim opened his eyes again and looked at his heavily
bandaged
arms. "He didn't mean it, you know. I think his injury was more
serious
than just a mild concussion. Where is he?"
"You're right. He should have never been released from the hospital,
the
x-rays were not read properly."
"You said he was fine, though?"
"He was finally diagnosed correctly and had surgery yesterday to
relieve
the pressure on his brain. The doctor said he should make a full
recovery. He's still pretty out of it but I spoke to him this morning.
He doesn't remember anything since his accident two weeks ago. He has no
idea he's the one that assaulted you."
Two weeks, don't you mean one week?" Jim looked closely at his
friend's
face. "You mean I've been unconscious for a week? You'd better tell me
how bad it is."
"What do you remember?" Simon asked quietly."
"I went to bed before Blair. While I was sleeping he handcuffed my
arms
and legs. He woke me up and cut my boxer shorts off me. He ... he raped
me, Simon. Then he said he was sorry, left me in the cuffs, and
went
downstairs. I yelled at him to release me. He came back upstairs with
a
broom and started hitting me with it. That's all I remember, I must
have passed out from the pain."
"He continued the assault. Jim, he did a real number on you. Luckily
for
you he was functioning at some level, he called me and he called for
an
ambulance. If he hadn't ... well, as it was we almost lost you."
"Tell me, Simon, I have to know, now."
"He raped you a second time with that stick. There was major trauma,
your bowel was perforated and you developed peritonitis. It spread
through your abdominal cavity and you had to have major surgery. The
infection has finally cleared up but a significant amount of your
intestine was destroyed. For the foreseeable future you'll be tube fed,
you can't even have fluids by mouth. Gradually you'll be able to
tolerate liquid supplements like Ensure, and maybe even pureed food."
"God, Simon. My whole body is numb right now, I think I'm on some
major
pain killers. Is there more?"
"He took that stick and broke both your arms with it. It was covered
with blood and feces..."
"They're infected, aren't they? I can smell it. Am I going to lose
them?"
It doesn't look good, Jim. That infection is not responding to the
antibiotics. Also, you're going to need surgery when you're stronger.
They had to perform a colostomy."
"What a mess. Is Blair going to remember what happened?"
"Unlikely."
"Thank God. I can forgive him easily enough, he wasn't responsible for
his actions, but he would never forgive himself."
"I should go now, you need your rest."
"Please stay, sit back down, I need the company and I won't be able to
sleep. How am I going to manage?"
"Jim, you know that you can count on my help. And it's too soon to
talk
like that, the doctors still haven't given up, you shouldn't either.
Your other injuries will heal, you've got to believe that the
amputations can be avoided." Simon stood up again. "I
really should
have told the nurses when you woke up. I'll be right back, let me
give
you some more ice chips first."
"Simon, stay. I've known you for a long time, I know when you're
avoiding something. Pull the sheet down from my waist."
"Jim, please. Not now, just get some rest."
"Simon, whatever it is I'll find out eventually."
Reluctantly Simon did ass Jim asked him.
Jim looked at the collection of tubes, bags and
bandages that covered his lower body. He saw the thick bandage between
his legs. A thin tube protruded from it, and it was attached to a urine
collection bag. He started screaming, and didn't stop until he was
sedated, when he realized what he'd lost.
"If
you're tired I'll come back tomorrow." Simon stood in the doorway of
Jim's room, uncertain whether to enter.
" It's okay Simon. Come in. It's been a long day, and I'm tired,
but I
really do want you to stay."
"Okay, can I get you anything, do anything for you?"
"Yeah, please raise the bed. And I wouldn't mind some orange
juice."
Simon helped Jim sit up and held the juice box to his lips so that he
could sip the drink. "Thanks. I can't wait until the stumps heal and I
can get fitted with hooks." Jim shook his head. "It's hard to
believe
I'm actually saying that."
"You look like you've had a rough day."
"Yeah, Blair spent the afternoon with me. I walked with him up
and down
the hall a couple of times, it whacked me out. Simon I didn't think it
would be so hard. I'm going to have to tell him, I've decided to do it
tomorrow."
"You want me around to pick up the pieces? I can come by around four.
But why tell him? The doctors told Blair that his memories of those two
weeks will never return. Why burden him with guilt?"
"Amnesia is a funny thing. I don't think the doctors can say
with one
hundred percent certainty that he'll never remember. Also, Blair knows
something happened. I ... I can't act like I used to around him. I
thought I could forgive him easily enough, I know he wasn't accountable
for what he did. But I can't, right now I'm not even sure if I still
love him. He bends over to kiss me and I turn my head."
"Give it time Jim. See how Blair reacts, and remember you're still
recovering from the surgeries."
"I guess. The doctor came in today when Blair was still here. He said
that I'm ready to be discharged in a few days, so I made arrangements to
go to a rehab facility. I'll return to the loft when I can look after
myself. Blair was upset, he thought I'd go back to the loft, and he
would help look after me, I'd just do the rehab on an outpatient
basis."
"You still haven't told him have you?"
"The extent of my injuries? No, how do I tell my lover that he beat me
up so badly they also had to amputate my penis and testicles. Shit. The
idea of him touching me down there makes me cringe."
"Jim, Jim, what is it? Are you in pain?" Simon looked with alarm
at his
friend. Jim's face had turned white, and he was trembling and crying.
"Go after him, Simon. I'm afraid he's going to do something."
"What are you talking about? Go after who? Oh my God! Blair was here
wasn't he? He heard everything, didn't he?" Simon ran out of the room
and down the hallway, attempting to catch up with Blair.
Jim lay in his bed, following Blair's heartbeat, listening to his cries.
Jim heard traffic noises, and realized that Blair was outside the
hospital. He heard Blair mutter 'it has to be over'. He heard the squeal
of brakes, a cry of agony, and then ... nothing.
Jim cried out, "I forgive you, I love you, I can't live without
you."
"I
forgive you, I love you , I can't live without you."
Jim's cries brought Blair rushing up the stairs. He found his partner
thrashing around in their bed. "Jim , c'mon Jim. Wake up. It's
just a
nightmare."
"Blair, you're alive!" Jim slowly sat up. He was in his own bed,
in the
loft, not disabled in any way.
"It seemed so real, it hurt so much. I was living the nightmare."
Jim
shook his head and grabbed Blair by the shoulders. "You're okay,
Blair?
I have to be sure you're okay."
"I'm fine. I just had my yearly physical, and passed with flying
colours. And you, if anyone could, would know if something was wrong.
Calm down, it was just a dream. Can I get you anything, tea ...
water?"
"No, just let me hold you. Oh, gosh, I can hold you."
"Of course, Jim. I'm here, you can hold me. Do you want to talk about
it? It must have been pretty intense, you're still trembling."
"I can't. It was .. it was ... I just can't"
"That's okay, Jim. You're safe now, I'm here, I'm fine."
"If something happens to me, you'll still love me, won't you
Blair?"
"Of course."
"If I was ill, crippled, paralysed, unable even to make love..."
"Jim. Jim , please stop this." Blair tried to show his love,
kissing,
hugging, trying desperately to soothe his distraught partner. "I'm not
leaving you, I'll always love you. If I have to bathe you, feed you, if
the only way you can communicate is by blinking your eyes, nothing can
change the way I feel about you."
"Thank you, Blair. I just feel that something bad is going to happen.
Just remember, please remember, no matter what I initially say or do; no
matter what you might think you've done; I'll always love you, I'll
always want to be with you, I'll always forgive you. Just don't leave
me."
Gradually Jim calmed down, but he still refused to tell Blair about his
nightmare. Blair fell asleep, still tightly held in Jim's arms, but it
was a long time before Jim finally dozed off.
"He's
still sleeping?" Simon walked into the hospital room, not
surprised to find Blair at Jim's bedside.
"Yeah, but the doctor said he should wake up soon. And yeah, he
confirmed it. Jim is permanently disabled." Blair took his eyes
from
Jim and turned to Simon. " Did I tell you about the nightmare Jim had
last week?"
"No."
"He wouldn't really tell me about it, it must have been pretty bad.
It's
like he knew that he would be injured, and that somehow I would be
responsible. Ironic, isn't it?"
"Blair, you can't blame yourself. You had a choice to make, you
didn't
know the consequences would be so horrific. And remember, you did save
those other officers. Jim will forgive you."
"That's what he said when he woke up from that nightmare. He said he'd
always forgive me, no matter what I'd done. And he wanted me to
reassure him that I'd always love him, no matter what happened. As if
I
wouldn't."
"Promise me something, Simon." Simon nodded, and Blair continued,
"Simon, it's going to be so hard for Jim. Don't desert him, please try
your hardest to continue to be part of his life."
"Blair, you know that I consider Jim my closest friend. Of course I'm
going to be there for him."
"I know, Simon." Blair tenderly stroked Jim's cheek. "He's
not going to
be able to do so many of the things that he loves ... He'll always know
that you're there, Simon. Just be there, and try to communicate with
him."
Both men noticed that Jim was starting to wake up. "Simon, gosh how I
wish this was just some bad dream. Jim is waking up now to his own
living nightmare."