A Soft Place to Fall
 Stormwolf 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 Daylight had found me here again, 
 you can ask me anything, 
 but where I've been 
 
When she opened the door, Carolyn Plummer expected
anyone else but the man who stood on her front porch.
A flash of lightening lit the sky and illuminated the
man's face, showing lines that hadn't been there the
last time she had seen him, and sadness within the
blue depths of his eyes that had always been
hidden...from her and the world. 
 
"Jim, what are you doing here?" Carolyn asked noticing
immediately that the detective was soaking wet from
the pouring rain. 
 
He shrugged, "Just in the neighborhood." 
 
"Well come inside before you catch your death of
cold."
 
Jim nodded, and just walked inside. Carolyn shut the
door. Jim stood in the hallway, dripping water on her
hardwood floor looking more and more like a drowned
cat. Carolyn went immediately to a linen closet and
retrieved some towels, which she handed one to Jim,
and used another to mop up the water on the floor. 
 
"I'm sorry," Jim said his tone dejected and lost
sounding. 
 
"Its only water, Jim." She said as she finished
mopping up the water, then looked at him. Really
looked at him. 
 
Moving mechanically, Jim dried himself off with the
towel, but still continued to drip water. Carolyn was
starting to wonder if Jim was drunk, but she knew Jim
better than that. At least she thought she did. 
 
But Jim wasn't drunk, because as she steered him
toward the bathroom she smelled no alcohol on his
breath. She handed him some more towels and told him
to take a hot shower. Jim complied not bothering to
protest. As if he didn't have the energy to fight
anymore. It made Carolyn shiver. 
 
 The things that used to matter 
 seem so small, when you're looking
 for a soft place to fall
 
Jim turned the shower on, and stripped out of his
sodden clothes. He stepped under the shower spray and
let the hot water fall over his body. He vaguely
noticed Carolyn coming into the bathroom and picking
up his wet clothes. It didn't matter that he was nude,
after all she was his ex-wife. She had seen him
before. Of course there were new scars on his
body....there always were. The hazards of his job.
Carolyn had seen scars that Blair had never seen
because Blair had never seen Jim nude, nor had he seen
Jim intimately. Despite the rumors running rampant
through the department, Sandburg and he were not
lovers, but somehow closer than that, closer than
brothers, closer than friends. 
 
Jim heard Carolyn leave the bathroom and go into the
laundry room where she put Jim's clothes in the
washing machine. She came back in and placed a dark
grey terry cloth robe on a hook in the bathroom. Jim
was aware of Carolyn's eyes, searching his body,
looking over the old and new scars, and could hear her
heart beat faster as she noticed them. 
 
She then left, telling Jim where the robe was, and
closed the bathroom door. Jim leaned his forehead
against the tile wall, and tried to force back his
tears. 
 
Sometime later, Jim came out of the bathroom wearing
the gray robe. Carolyn met him in the livingroom with
a cup of hot coffee fixed just the way he liked it,
black no sugar. Jim took the cup with a murmured thank
you, and Carolyn steered Ellison over to the couch. 
 
She seated him on the couch and sat down beside him.
"What's wrong, Jim?" She asked. 
 
"Nothing." 
 
"Don't give me that bullshit, Jimmy. I know you enough
to know something's wrong."
 
"Just a case, nothing major."
 
"What case, Jimmy." She had a sneaking suspicion what
it was about. 
 
"A murder." Jim whispered almost too soft to hear, but
she heard. "A little girl. She was beaten to death by
her own father."
 
Carolyn closed her eyes. Why did Simon give him these
cases. But she knew why....because Simon didn't know.
No one knew except her and perhaps Sandburg. 
 
"I'm sorry, Jimmy." She could think of nothing else to
say. 
 
Jim's eyes were tightly closed as if trying to force
back tears, and she knew he was. Trying so hard not to
cry, to break down, to show any weakness. 
 
She reached out carefully, wrapping her arms around
Jim, and the big detective leaned into her embrace and
broke.
 
Jim cried into Carolyn's arm while she held him.
during the course of their marriage, Carolyn had only
done this once before. The day they recieved the
letter that said William Ellison had died at
Starkville Prison. The same day she learned about the
reason behind the scars that marred his muscular back
and butocks, the burn mark on the underside of his
penis, and his inability to cuddle in bed with a
lover. The day she learned of the terrible cruelty
that a young Jim Ellison had suffered and the death
of a sibling by their father's hands. She had held him
that day, and cried with him, as she cried now. 
 
She held him tight, wishing with all her heart that
she could take away the pain. The same wish she had
wished when she had held him the first time. 
 
She held him, and soothed him with her touch, a hand
carressing his short hair, another rubbing his back. 
 
 Don't misunderstand me, baby please
 I didn't mean to bring back memories
 
What seemed like hours later, Jim pulled back from
Carolyn's embrace. Tear tracks marred his beautiful
face, and unshed tears shimmered in his icy blue eyes.
 
Carolyn removed her hand from one last lingering touch
on his cheek. 
 
"I'm sorry." Jim said. "I shouldn't have come here."
 
"Its alright, Jimmy." Carolyn tried to reassure him. 
 
"I've been walking around for awhile now. I can't get
her face out of my head. And when I see her face, it
changes sometimes."
 
"Into Stevie's face?" Carolyn asked. 
 
Jim nodded. 
 
"Have you been to see him?" Carolyn knew that for some
reason it helped Jim to go to Stevie's grave and talk
to his brother as if Stevie could hear. Perhaps he
could. 
 
"Yeah. I just needed to get away. Sandburg can be like
a dog with a bone, sometimes. And I didn't want to
tell him everything. He knows some, not all of it. I
told you because I thought you had a right to know."
 
Carolyn nodded. Jim had needed her to understand why
he couldn't hold her at night, why he had nightmares,
and why he broke her arm when she tried to wake him
from a particularly bad one. 
 
She had thought that it had been because he was a Vet,
and the nightmares where of his time in Peru or any of
the other war torn places he had been. But those
memories did not haunt him, did not hold him in thrall
as much as the memories of his abuse at his father's
hands, of Stevie's death. 
 
She had understood, but it had not helped their
marriage. Eventually, Carolyn had asked for the
divorce, and Jim had given it to her. A final gift. 
 
 You should know the reason why I called
 I was looking for a soft place to fall
 
"Go ahead and take the guestroom. There's clean sheets
in the linen closet." Carolyn said. 
 
Two hours had passed in which the two of them had
talked. Not of the past that had brought Jim to her
door, nor of the case that sped his journey, but of
inconsequental things. Old friends, old times, and old
memories. They had cried together, and then laughed
together, and remembered together. 
 
Eventually, tiredness, and the events of the day had
worn them both out, and sleep was beckoning. 
 
Jim nodded at Carolyn's suggestion, and went to the
closet to remove the clean sheets. As he placed them
on the guest bed, Carolyn watched from the door. She
could see that the lines on his face had eased, and
the pain in his eyes had dimmed. She was glad that in
some small way she could help. For no matter what had
happened between them, she still loved Jim. And
perhaps she always would. 
 
She said goodnight, and walked into her bedroom. She
pulled back the soft light blue comforter and top
sheet and slipped beneath the covers. 
 
 
 Looking for a soft place, 
 nothing more than a small taste
 of a love that ended long ago
 
 
Jim slipped beneath the covers of the bed having
removed the borrowed robe. Nude, he lay on his side,
knees drawn up nearly to his chest, one arm wrapped
beneathe the pillow his ehad rested upon, the other
hand curled up beside his face. He stared at the far
wall, fearing sleep and the dreams that were sure to
come. 
 
Eventually, tiredness and exhaustion won out and the
sentinel fell to sleep. 
 
The nightmare always started the same, but until after
the undercover assignment in Vice it had ended
differently. 
 
Jim is laying in his bed, the posters and trophies
glaring down upon him. The door squeaks open and Jim
watches as his father comes inside dragging the body
of his brother. William Ellison tosses his dead son
onto the floor yelling, "Look what you made me do!" 
 
Jim tried to huddle further into himself, but he could
not stop what happened next. William Ellison came over
to Jim's bed pulling his belt from the loops of his
pants. Jim's father grabbed the covers and pulled them
back exposing Jim to his wrath. The blows fell, and
even though in the dream he was full grown, a man, he
could not stop the blows. Eventually the smell of the
cigar reaches his nostrils, and Jim turns to see
William smoking one. He had not had it earlier.
Instead of rage, Jim sees the leering gaze of his
father, and shivers. The beatings were more bearable
than what was about to happen. 
 
"Your mother left because of you. You are going to
take her place." William said. A hand cupped him
intimately. When Jim protested, the gentle grip
tightened painfully, and his father's harsh voice told
him to stop fighting. Then the cigar touched him,
burning painfully on the underside of his penis, and
he screamed. 
 
It was there the dream changed, the hands upon him
were that of the man Jim had been sent undercover to
put away. He could smell the man's breath as it flowed
over his neck, the smell of pineapples, and alcohol.
His favorite drink was vadka and pineapple juice. The
feel of something moving inside him, the hands on his
body made Jim scream. 
 
 Looking for a place to hide
 a warm bed on a cold night
 I didn't mean to hurt you 
 No no no
 
Jim woke up quickly, his heart beating fast, and his
breathing deep and labored. Wondering if he had
screamed in reality, Jim listened for the small echoes
that would indicate that he had. When none were
forthcoming, Jim was relieved. 
 
Then the sound of a heartbeat filled his ears. It
wasn't the heartbeat he used every night to sleep by.
The heartbeat of his guide, and friend. Instead it was
quicker. Jim got up and placed the robe around himself
and followed the heartbeat to its source. 
 
When he opened the door, Carolyn lifted her head and
looked at him. Something in her eyes softened even
further when she looked at him. She rolled over to the
other side of the bed, and lifted the covers inviting
him in. 
 
Jim moved to the bed and removed his robe. He laid
down in the bed, and Carolyn covered his nude form
with the covers. She smiled and laid her head back
down on her pillow. She did not spoon up behind him,
nor did she touch him except when his hand came back
and took her laying it on his hip. She smiled to
herself at the gesture. 
 
Eventually sleep claimed them both. 
 
 Looking out your window at the dawn
 Baby, when you wake up, I'll be gone
 
Jim awoke first. Carolyn's hand was still on his hip
where he had placed it, and Jim was surprised that he
had done so. Surprised that he had climbed into
Carolyn's bed after the nightmare like a child afraid
of the closet monsters. 
 
Moving silently, Jim slipped out of bed, and went to
stand in front of the window in her room. Morning rays
of light filtered through the glass and illuminated
the sentinel as he stared out at the dawning sun.
Behind him, Carolyn slept on. 
 
He found his clothes, and dressed. Carolyn had placed
them in the dryer before they had gone to sleep. When
he was dressed, Jim peeked in one more time at
Carolyn. Though he still loved her, and she him, Jim
knew that they could never make another go at it.
Carolyn had wrought her changes, and Blair had wrought
his, but inside Jim was still the little boy who was
beaten, and molested. The same little boy who watched
his brother die. But as long as Carolyn, and Blair
and even Simon were still around, Jim knew that when
he did fall, they would catch him. 
 
 You're the one that taught me
 after all
 How to find a soft place to fall
 
 You're the one that taught me
 after all
 How to find a soft place to fall
 
Jim left the house quietly, not waking Carolyn from
her slumber. He slipped out into the morning light,
his heart and soul safe from a hard fall.