January 30, 2004 - 12:57 a.m.

"In the absence of love, there is nothing worth fighting for." --Elijah Wood

I just came across that quote in a website and I must say that it struck a chord with me. My life is so difficult for me right now. I'm married and I'm at a crossroads. My husband is hardly the 'romantic' guy he should be. Quite frankly he treats me like shit a lot. But, I love him. Now if it's blind love I don't know. We've been together for three years and married for six months. But you see, to understand my turmoil I'd have to go back to the beginning.

Jay came to me at a time in my life when I needed someone. Life was crazy, I was fixing to graduate high school and he just seemed like the perfect fix. So we started dating. My step-father didn't approve of our relationship (why? because my step-father's an ass). Right after I graduated I moved out of my parents house so we could be together. I gave up all the financial security I could ask for. I left with nothing. But I did it for 'us'. I gave up college because I couldn't pay for it on my own and I went straight to work telling myself that I would go as soon as I could. We were fine for about six months and then he cheated on me with an ex of his that had caused previous problems in our relationship, but at that time I didn't know and I didn't find out about that until just a few months ago (I'll get back to that later). So we celebrated our first year together and things slowly changed between us. He started to show the 'real him'. To hear him call me a bitch became something I got used too. He could be so cruel. Then around six months later he started cheating on me again with another woman that he worked with. I could tell something was different with him. He was acting so weird all of a sudden, he displayed all of the signs you hear of. And one night I picked up the phone and I heard him talking to this other girl. I'm not elaborating at all when I say a piece of me died that night. I had always thought we had this perfect relationship, just perfect. The kind that just makes all of your friends sick. It was 'soulmate' bullshit from day one. And all of a sudden it was all shattered. He immediatly fessed up, but told only half of the truth; which means that I later on found out the whole truth by myself. He kept telling me it was over, yet I kept catching him. The woman he was cheating with was almost twenty years older than him and she was married and had three children. And yes he had had a sexual relationship with this woman. The ultimate betrayal had been commited; and this a year after I had given up everything so I could be with him. That was the longest and yet shortest four months of my life. Looking back now I should have just left him. Throughout the course of those four months he called me every name in the book and attempted to choke me once, slapped me two or three times and shoved me many times. Yet I kept begging him to take me back, I promised him that "I would be good." What a fool I was, I can't believe I was the one begging him. But I was so in love with him. I had given up so much. I had made him perfect in my mind, put him on this pedestal. But come time for the Holidays we had made up and things were normal again.

A year later we were married. His job took him away from me for a month and a half soon after our wedding, but on our two month wedding anniversary we were reunited. I was so damn excited to see him. That night I will never forget. We had only been together for a few hours when he revealed to me that he could have possibly fathered a child from the first time he had cheated on me (this is the instance that I spoke of earlier). I couldn't believe it. I was so angry with him. How could he have allowed me to marry him knowing this? How? What the hell was he thinking? And he had the audacity to get frusterated with me because I was freaking out. But to be honest, I had always had the suspicion even though he would always deny it when I questioned him. And the worst part, everyone knew except for me. I had walked around and everyone knew. It was hands down the most embarrasing thing that's ever happened to me. When we got married I was so happy. I thought, "I'm finally going to be able to be happy. I have the man I've always wanted. We love each other so much. This is the best time of my life." And two months to the day of our wedding my spirit was crushed. I realized then and there my life would never be the same, whether I wanted it to or not. Him being the person he is, he gave me two weeks to mope about it and then he refused to hear me complain and he didn't want to talk about it. He wanted me to forget the whole situation and continue on with my life as if nothing had ever happened. I'm good at blocking things out so I did, and for no one else but me. I just didn't want to think about it anymore.

Now here I am, a few months later. Once again my husband is away from me because of his job. And yesterday we got into a fight again. It just seems like we fight all the time. And it's always his fault. He's not being the husband he should be. He can never really find the time to call me and when he does he can be a real ass. He's changed, and it's not for the better. I need someone that's going to care about me. Someone that wants to be with me because they're madly in love with me and not because they need someone to take care of them. That's bullshit, he's not my child he's my husband. I do so much for him and in the end I get no appreciation. He takes me for granted and I'm so tired of it. If I had the money I'm beginning to think that I would leave. For the sake of myself. I'm twenty years old and I already have an ulcer and chest pains. I may be twenty but I feel so much older. My life has been nothing but controversy. At first I was the girl who's father beat her mother. Then I was the girl who's father was murdered. Then I was the girl with the asshole stepdad. And now I'm the girl who's husband knocked up some other girl. All of my achievements have been overshadowed by constant bullshit. I want to be me.

That brings me back to the quote from earlier. Should I fight for this love. I love him, and there's nothing I or anyone else can do about that. But I don't know what kind of love I have for him. I wish him nothing but good things, I don't want anything bad to happen to him. Yet I just don't know how much more of him I can take. How much can one person take before they just can't do it anymore? I think I may be reaching my limits. And it's scary. I just want to be taken care of. I have dreams for myself that I want to fulfill. And the number one dream is to be able to look back on my life when I'm one-hundred years old and go "Damn, what a life I've lived."


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