CHARACTERS

The Colonel, an overbearing bully

Major Metcalf, his craven aide

Lieutenant Scheisskopf, a prissy shithead (think Lt. Fuzz from Beetle Bailey)

Cadet Clevinger: wise guy or victim?

Corporal Popinjay, the clerk-stenographer, a hapless bystander

Colonel: This Action Board, consisting of myself as president, and Major Metcalf and Lieutenant Scheisskopf as members, is called to order. First case!

Metcalf: Cadet Clevinger!

Clevinger marches in, stands a few feet from the table and a little upstage of the Colonel, faces Colonel, salutes, stands at attention.

Clevinger: Cadet Clevinger, sir.

Colonel: Who's prosecuting this man?

Scheisskopf: (moves smartly to position in front of table but apart from Clevinger) Lieutenant Scheisskopf, present and ready to begin, sir.

Colonel: And who's defending him?

Scheisskopf: (moves next to Clevinger) Lieutenant Scheisskopf, present and ready to begin, sir.

Colonel: Very well. Lieutenant, what are the charges?

Scheisskopf: (moves back to prosecutor's position) Breaking ranks while in formation, felonious assault, indiscriminate behavior, mopery, high treason, provoking, being a smart guy, and listening to classical music.

(moves back to his original seat behind table)

Colonel: Cadet, how do you plead?

Clevinger: Not guilty, sir.

Colonel: In sixty days you'll be fighting the Krauts, and you think it's a big fat joke.

Clevinger: I don't think it's a joke, sir.

Colonel: Don't interrupt!

Clevinger: Yes, sir.

Metcalf: And say 'sir' when you do.

Clevinger: Yes, sir.

Metcalf: Weren't you just ordered not to interrupt?

Clevinger: But I didn't interrupt, sir.

Metcalf: No. And you didn't say 'sir,' either.

(to Popinjay) Add that to the charges against him: Failure to say 'sir' to superior officers when not interrupting them.

(Popinjay complies)

Colonel: Metcalf, you're a goddam fool. Do you know that?

Metcalf: Yes, sir.

Colonel: Then keep your goddam mouth shut. You don't make any sense.

(to Clevinger) What did you mean when you said we couldn't punish you?

Clevinger: When, sir?

Colonel: I'm asking the questions. You're answering them.

Clevinger: Yes, sir--

Colonel: (interrupting) Did you think we brought you here to ask questions and for me to answer them?

Clevinger: No, sir--

Colonel: (interrupting) What did we bring you here for?

Clevinger: To answer questions.

Colonel: You're goddam right! Now suppose you start answering some before I break your goddam head. Just what the hell did you mean, you bastard, when you said we couldn't punish you?

Clevinger: (mumbling) I don't think I ever made that statement, sir.

Colonel: Will you speak up, please? I couldn't hear you.

Clevinger: Yes, sir.

Metcalf: Will you speak up, please? He couldn't hear you.

Clevinger: Yes, sir.

Colonel: Metcalf.

Metcalf: Sir?

Colonel: Didn't I tell you to keep your stupid mouth shut?

Metcalf: Yes, sir.

Colonel: Then keep your stupid mouth shut when I tell you to keep your stupid mouth shut. Do you understand?

(to Clevinger) Will you speak up, please? I couldn't hear you.

Clevinger: Yes, sir.

Colonel: Metcalf, is that your foot I'm stepping on?

Metcalf: No, sir. It must be Lieutenant Scheisskopf's foot.

Scheisskopf: It isn't my foot.

Metcalf: Then maybe it is my foot after all.

Colonel: Move it.

Metcalf: Yes, sir. You'll have to move your foot first, Colonel. It's on top of mine.

Colonel: Are you telling me to move my foot?

Metcalf: Oh, no, sir. No sir.

Colonel: Then move your foot and keep your stupid mouth shut.

(to Clevinger) Will you speak up, please? I still couldn't hear you.

(Metcalf wrenches his foot from under the Colonel's foot. Colonel glares)

Clevinger: Yes, sir. I said that I didn't say that you couldn't punish me.

Colonel: Just what the hell are you talking about?

Clevinger: I'm answering your question, sir.

Colonel: What question?

Popinjay: (flat reading from steno pad) 'Just what the hell did you mean, you bastard, when you said we couldn't punish you?'

Colonel: All right. Just what the hell did you mean?

Clevinger: I didn't say you couldn't punish me, sir.

Colonel: When?

Clevinger: When what, sir?

Colonel: Now you're asking me questions again.

Clevinger: I'm sorry, sir. I'm afraid I don't understand your question.

Colonel: When didn't you say we couldn't punish you? Don't you understand my question?

Clevinger: No, sir. I don't understand.

Colonel: You've just told us that. Now suppose you answer my question.

Clevinger: But how can I answer it?

Colonel: That's another question you're asking me.

Clevinger: I'm sorry, sir. But I don't know how to answer it. I never said you couldn't punish me.

Colonel: Now you're telling us when you did say it. I'm asking you to tell us when you didn't say it.

Clevinger: I always didn't say you couldn't punish me, sir.

Colonel: That's much better, soldier, even though it is a barefaced lie. Last night in the latrine. Didn't you whisper that we couldn't punish you to that other dirty son of a bitch we don't like? What's his name?

Scheisskopf: Yossarian, sir.

Colonel: Yes, Yossarian. That's right. Yossarian. Yossarian? Is that his name? Yossarian? What the hell kind of a name is Yossarian?

Scheisskopf: (ruffles through papers for a moment) It's Yossarian's name, sir.

Colonel: Yes, I suppose it is. Didn't you whisper to Yossarian that we couldn't punish you?

Clevinger: Oh, no, sir. I whispered to him that you couldn't find me guilty-

Colonel: I may be stupid, but the distinction escapes me.

Clevinger: Well, sir, I learned in school --

Colonel: (interrupting) You're a windy son of a bitch, aren't you? Nobody asked you for clarification and you're giving me clarification. I was making a statement, not asking for clarification. You are a windy son of a bitch, aren't you?

Clevinger: No, sir.

Colonel: No, sir? Are you calling me a goddam liar?

Clevinger: Oh, no, sir.

Colonel: Then you are a windy son of a bitch, aren't you?

Clevinger: No, sir.

Colonel: Are you trying to pick a fight with me?

Clevinger: No, sir.

Colonel: Are you a windy son of a bitch?

Clevinger: No, sir.

Colonel: Goddammit, you are trying to pick a fight with me. For two stinking cents I'd jump over this big fat table and rip your stinking, cowardly body apart limb from limb.

Metcalf: Do it! Do it!

Colonel: Metcalf, you stinking son of a bitch. Didn't I tell you to keep your stinking, cowardly, stupid mouth shut?

Metcalf: Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.

Colonel: Then suppose you do it.

Metcalf: I was only trying to learn, sir. The only way a person can learn is by trying.

Colonel: Who says so?

Metcalf: Everybody says so, sir. Even Lieutenant Scheisskopf says so.

Colonel: (to Scheisskopf) Do you say so?

Scheisskopf: Yes, sir. But everybody says so.

Colonel: Well, Metcalf, suppose you try keeping that stupid mouth of yours shut, and maybe that's the way you'll learn how. Now, where were we? Read me back the last line.

Popinjay: (flat, from steno pad) 'Read me back the last line.'

Colonel: Not my last line, stupid! Somebody else's.

Popinjay: (flat, from steno pad) 'Read me back the last line.'

Colonel: That's my last line again!!

Popinjay: Oh, no, sir. That's my last line. I read it to you just a moment ago. Don't you remember, sir? It was only a moment ago.

Colonel: Oh, my God! Read me back his last line, stupid. Say, what the hell's your name, anyway?

Popinjay: Popinjay, sir. I'm a corporal.

Colonel: Well, you're next, Popinjay. As soon as this trial ends, your trial begins. Get it?

Popinjay: Yes, sir. Wh- what will I be charged with?

Colonel: What the hell difference does that make? You're going to learn, Popinjay -- the minute we finish with Clevinger you're going to learn.

(to Clevinger) Cadet Clevinger, what did -- You are Cadet Clevinger, aren't you, and not Popinjay?

Clevinger: Yes, sir.

Colonel: Good. What did --

Popinjay: (interrupting, sounding scared) I'm Popinjay, sir.

Colonel: Popinjay, is your father a millionaire, or a member of the Senate?

Popinjay: No, sir.

Colonel: Then you're up shit creek, Popinjay, without a paddle. He's not a general or a high-ranking member of the Administration, is he?

Popinjay: No, sir.

Colonel: That's good. What does your father do?

Popinjay: He's dead, sir.

Colonel: That's very good. You really are up the creek, Popinjay. Is Popinjay really your name? Just what the hell kind of a name is Popinjay, anyway? I don't like it.

Scheisskopf: (ruffles through papers for a moment) It's Popinjay's name, sir.

Colonel: Well, I don't like it, Popinjay, and I just can't wait to rip your stinking, cowardly body apart limb from limb.

(to Clevinger) Cadet Clevinger, will you please repeat what the hell it was you did or didn't whisper to Yossarian late last night in the latrine?

Clevinger: Yes, sir. I said that you couldn't find me guilty--

Colonel: (interrupting) We'll take it from there. Precisely what did you mean, Cadet Clevinger, when you said we couldn't find you guilty?

Clevinger: I didn't say you couldn't find me guilty, sir.

Colonel: When?

Clevinger: When what, sir?

Colonel: Goddammit, are you going to start pumping me again?

Clevinger: No, sir. I'm sorry, sir.

Colonel: Then answer the question. When didn't you say we couldn't find you guilty?

Clevinger: Late last night in the latrine, sir.

Colonel: Is that the only time you didn't say it?

Clevinger: No, sir. I always didn't say you couldn't find me guilty, sir. What I did say to Yossarian was--

Colonel: (interrupting) Nobody asked you what you did say to Yossarian. We asked you what you didn't say to him. We're not at all interested in what you did say to Yossarian. Is that clear?

Clevinger: Yes, sir.

Colonel: Then we'll go on. What did you say to Yossarian?

Clevinger: (mumbling) I said to him, sir, that you couldn't find me guilty of the offense with which I am charged and still be faithful to the cause of--

Colonel: (interrupting) Of what? You're mumbling again. Stop mumbling.

Clevinger: Yes, sir.

Metcalf: And mumble 'sir' when you do.

Colonel: Metcalf, you bastard!

Clevinger: Yes, sir. Of justice, sir. That you couldn't find-

Colonel: (interrupting) Justice? What is justice?

Clevinger: Justice, sir, is when--

Colonel: (interrupting, fury rising) That's not what justice is! (gets excited, roars, pounds table) That's what Karl Marx is. I'll tell you what justice is. Justice is a knee in the gut from the floor on the chin at night sneaky with a knife brought up down on the magazine of a battleship sandbagged underhanded in the dark without a word of warning. Garroting. That's what justice is when we've all got to be tough enough and rough enough to fight the Krauts. From the hip. Get it?

Clevinger: No, sir.

Colonel: Don't sir me!

Clevinger: Yes, sir.

Metcalf: And say 'sir' when you don't.

Colonel: (glares at Metcalf, takes a moment to calm down)

Cadet Clevinger, this Action Board finds you guilty, because if you weren't guilty Lieutenant Scheisskopf wouldn't have brought you here in the first place. You are sentenced to walk fifty hours of punishment tours, and deprived of weekend passes until the tours have all been completed. Dismissed!

(Clevinger struggles with shock, anger and dismay, recovers, salutes, turns about, marches out)

Major Metcalf, after we adjourn, start packing. You're shipping out tomorrow to head a burial detail in the Solomons.

Next case, Corporal Popinjay. (Popinjay gapes, then stands and moves to where Clevinger had been standing)

Who's prosecuting this man?

Scheisskopf: (moves to position in front of table but apart from Popinjay) Lieutenant Scheisskopf, present and ready to begin, sir.