There is one thing that separates us from things that run around and slither through the forest, and that is our mastery of semi-automatic weapons. Oh, all right, two things. The other one is is our will to survive. According to zoologists, man is is the phisically scrawniest and least fearsome creature on earth (apart from me, obviously). But one thing gives humans a special edge (apart from mastery of semi-automatic weapons), and that's our Intelligence. Humans are resourceful, hell, some of us can even READ!! We are masters of our own fate, and so, every morning, get up and say "Today I am going to live!" every day until you die, and on that day consider this - You Failed. LOSER!!

Life: The Will To Survive

To live life to the full (and with minimal brain activity), first you must adapt yourself to doing things the simplest way. Or, in the words of an ancient Stufran prophecy :- "Build a man a fire, and he will be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life." This philosophy works, but can end in jail. Thankyou for reading this pointless peice of trivia.

The Stufran Philosophy

Disclaimer: When I speak of Retards/The Retarded I do not talk of those born with mental disfunctions, I talk of those who are just plain thick/stupid and are proud of it.
Prologue. I dont' know what it's like where you live, but Banff Academy seems to be getting an expanding quota of retards, or, to put it fully, Mingerus Retardis Glutimus Maximus (minging retarded arseholes). This is my pocket guide on how to spot one :-
1) Their Reactions. You can often tell a retard by their exclamations. You should memorise these primitive exclamations (but for God's sake, NEVER use them): "Root!" "Hive!" "Beast!" and "Haye / Highe". Also "Wizard!" and "skin-oot" are retarded.
2) Their Laugh. You can instantly recognise a retard's laugh. I will try to convey this in type, but it'll be hard: "Uhuh Uhuh Uhuhuhuhuhuhuh Uh Uh Uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh Uhuh!" This will continue until the completely un-entertaining phenomenon has stopped, or one of them manages the huge feat of making the physics trolley fall off the table AGAIN! Spectacular! (note: sarcasm).
3) Their Actions. Retards do stupid things. It's a fact. If you spot someone trying in vain to burn out a resistor, diode or transistor, you can usually be pretty sure they're a retard. (There is an exception: It's Caminator's turn again to be "retard of the day").
p.s. Most retards smoke.
4) Transport. A retard can often be seen sporting a peice of sqint plywood with four worn wheels or a small childs bike with rods for stabilisers on the wheel hubs as transport, running into park benches, metal poles, moving busses, the ground e.t.c. These strange, inefficient vehicles are often talked about as "Skateboards" and "BMX Bikes" and are seen to be "Beast" and "Highe" in the eyes of the retarded.
5) Clothing. A preminition for baseball caps with large brand logos and/or t-shirts with things such as Korn written on them (some retards do support such things as the cerial industry, even if spelling corn is beyond them) are often indicators of retardedness.
Epilogue. I hope you find a use for this information, somehow. Using it you should be able to spot some Retards and avoid them accordingly. And finally :- Retardedness IS contagious!! I cannot stress this enough. We almost lost The Caminator in physics a few periods ago, but luckily we managed to save him with a quick slap around the head.

Be careful - there may be nobody around to slap you!

Skills: How to spot a Retard

                                               CAUTION: HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION
                                        (i.e. I am not intending to hijack and crash a plane or ship)
There are lots of different seas and oceans on earth. If you must crash, try to find a warm one.
Best Ocean: Indian Ocean - warm, full of fish, topless bathing.
Worst Ocean: Arctic Ocean - not quite so warm, topless bathing very rare.

Step One: The first part of surviving at sea is to get out of the craft before it sinks. General safety procedure dictates that you shouldn't panic, shout or scream, but disembark in an orderly fashion.
                                                                   This Is Wrong
Panicking and screming hysterically is an excellent technique to get to the front of the queue. It is also stated that you should never inflate your lifejacket whilst on board.
                                                                This Is Also Wrong
An inflated lifejacket is an excellent implement for barging people out of the way as you charge towards the nearest exit.
Step Two: When you hit the water: DON'T DROWN! This is a very simple rule, but you will be surprised how many people just forget to implement it completely. Strange.
Step Three: Cooking at sea can be hard. The best way is by means of an improvised barbecue. After the crash, there is likely to be some spilt oil and fuel floating around. If you take a lighter in a waterproof box with you, you can turn this oil into an excellent cooking appliance.
(p.s. stand, sorry, I mean Float well, well back)
Step Four: Surviving a shark attack. It is important to realise that this isn't the movies: Very fiew shark attacks on humans have ever been reported by crash victims. This is because nearly all of them have been eaten.
This may sound like bolting the stable door after the horse has escaped, but the best way to survive a shark attack would be to not have crashed in the first place now wouldn't it? Wouldn't it? Yes, it would.
So lets take a look at the overall picture: Your vessel has crashed, you're adrift in some ocean, probably cold, lost, miserable and starving, and to top it all, some big angry fish is trying to eat you. Is being eaten so bad? Maybe not. What the hell else have you got going for you? The shark may be doing you the biggest favour of your life. I mean, does it really hurt? At first maybe. Obviously there'll be a little twinge as it crunches through bone, skin and muscle, but how long will it last? Twenty, thirty seconds? And that's it. Your problems are over. Think about it.

Survival At Sea