space1999

Teaser scene: Moonbase Alpha's Main Mission, where two desks are angled at 45 degrees from the front of the stage (facing each other) and behind them is a false wall containing the Main Computer. Technicians fuss over various parts of the set, checking clipboards and computer terminals, including Maya and Ensign Blackadder, and Baldrick. Seated at one desk (stage right) is Sandra Benes-Morrow, while her husband Paul Morrow is seated at the other desk opposite and is typing away at something. Helena Russell's diary narration is heard prior to lights up on stage.

Helena (Voice Over)

It has been nearly 10 years since the moon was blasted away from Earth in a nuclear accident, but we continue to survive on Moonbase Alpha. Inevitable pairings have started the next generation of Alphans, and we have flourished anew on this gypsy moon. Each planet we encounter holds the promise of a new home, but the odds of our continued survival narrow as each proved incompatible with our physiology. However, to keep morale up many have chosen distractions…

(Lights up to find downtrodden Alphans working at various points on the set, then turning as music starts up of "Down in Skid row" from "Little Shop of Horrors", Blackadder turns around from back set and takes center stage and is spotlighted as chorus sings)

<Chorus> Mooooonbaaaaase!

<B> Lord I gotta get outa here

<Chorus> Moooonbaaaase!

<B> Don't wanna end up dyin' here

<Chorus> Aaaalphaaa!

<B> Just give me a planet to goooooo!

<Chorus> Instead of Moonbase Aaalphaa!

Koenig (runs out from stage left very agitated)

Stop that! Stop that! There'll be no singing here! (Waits as they disperse, then exits stage left)

Edina (& Patsy Benes enter from stage right, stagger over to Sandra drunk, drinking & smoking)

All the world is a stage.

Patsy

What world? We're living on a moon!

Edina (turning on her sister)

All the moonies are a stooge!

Patsy

You wanna moon a who?

Edina (toasting, and they both drink)

I'll drink to that!

Sandra (annoyed)

Mother! What do you want?

Edina (hurt)

Sweetie darling! What makes you think I want something? Can't we just drop by for a visit with my favorite daughter? (Paul Morrow visibly shrinks in embarrassment, hiding behind his terminal)

Patsy

Yeah! You're my favorite niece, right after my own knees (almost falls over looking at her knees).

Sandra

I'm your only niece! Mother, is there something I can help you with? We're very busy here…

Edina (obviously feigning)

Now I really am hurt! We just popped by to wish you and Pauly a happy anniversary!

Sandra

But our wedding anniversary was 2 months ago!

Patsy

<Hic!> I told you…

Edina (squinting at her chrono)

Oh, look at the time!

Patsy (also checking her chrono)

The still in hydroponics should be done by now.

Edina

Gin and tonic anyone?

Patsy (as the two stagger back off stage right)

If we only had some tonic…

Paul

I could use a drink right about now…

Sandra

Don't you start on that again!

Paul (cowering somewhat)

Yes, dear…

Sandra (lamenting)

There are a lot of things from Earth I miss, but alcohol isn't one of them…

Maya (approaching from stage left)

What do you miss most Sandra?

Sandra (considering)

…Milk, good clean cow's milk!

Maya

Sorry, I've only seen one in your archives, we never had cows on Psychon.

Paul (perking up)

Then, you've never had steak?

Maya

I've had red meat if that's what you mean, but the protein tablets on Alpha are a poor substitute.

Paul

Sometimes I feel like a bloody gerbil eating those things! What I wouldn't give for a juicy steak-

Koenig (entering with Helena from stage left)

Make that two-

Helena (also interrupting)

Three, John! After 10 years in space I could use some red meat, washed down with fresh coffee!

Maya

I really miss my brother, but… I think my mother's pastries were my favorite food from home.

Female Tech #1 (taking an interest)

Chocolate!

Sandra

Of course!

Maya

If it's anything like mom's Zathras pie, I can understand your fixation. How about you Mr. Baldrick?

Baldrick

I wanna see the last 2 Star Wars films, I've wondered what happens to that little bastard Annakin…

Blackadder

Oh that’s easy! He grows up and marries Queen Amidala, fathers both Luke and Leia Skywalker. Then turns to the dark side, becomes Darth Vader, and kills all of the Jedi Knights.

Baldrick

Oh bugger! I thought he was going to marry that nice handmaiden Padme.

Blackadder (Baldrick is just confused at this)

Well we can’t all be right… In the head. I really miss is Baldrick's deodorant… And mouthwash.

Koenig (nodding assent with everyone)

Paul, how goes the game?

Paul (flips switch that changes projection TV screen from test screen to footage)

They should be just about ready to tee off at the last hole, Commander.

Koenig

Good, I have a friendly bet going. Who's ahead?

Paul

They're tied, resuming broadcast in 3-2-1 and… "Welcome back to the 8^th Annual Lunar Golf Tournament! The score is evenly matched between Tony Verdeschi and Alan Carter, after Alan's eagle in the last hole. The rivalry has really heated up between them heading into the final hole. Commander Koenig, what do you think? Can Alan break Tony's 3 year winning streak?"

Koenig (leaning over Paul's microphone while watching the main screen)

Well, Alan has proved his skill in the past… But my money is on Tony.

Paul

"Thanks Commander! Well I see that Tony is ready to tee off."

Tony (O.S. microphone)

Maya, are you there honey?

Maya (looking embarrassed)

Yes, Tony?

Tony (O.S. Mic)

If I win this match, will you marry me?

Maya (looking even more pressed)

…Uhm, we'll see.

Koenig

Just concentrate on the ball, Tony!

Helena

You could follow his example you know…

Koenig (embarrassed stage whisper)

Not now Helena!

Paul

Tony addresses the ball, and it’s a great shot… Or at least I think it is-was- It's going and going and going… and now it's heading toward the hydroponics section <SFX: Crash/Tinkle/BOOM!> (Everyone's attention is riveted to the screen, as the ball seemingly destroys the Hydroponics section all but Paul (who silently cheers unnoticed) stand in horror before the lights go out. Tape continues with opening titles, but freezes as a Colonel (a la Monty Python) shouting in a tightly focused spotlight in Center stage interrupts it. A temporary white sheet is spread on S.R.)

Colonel (enters from stage left in tight spot almost center)

Stop that! Stop that, it's far too silly! The fans have spoken that they want real Action, not this silly comedy stuff! Right, on with the action titles! Ten, nine, eight and all that! (Exits, spot out)

(Appearing in rear projection are color transparencies with further credits, and dancing among them is an almost naked woman in shadow, while garish "James Bond" music plays.)

Colonel (Spot up to reveal him frothing again)

Stop that! Stop that! This is a family show, and that is far too naughty! (Lights up again)

(Lost sheet reveals a large man wearing falsies and "Speedos", who exits removing falsies S.R.)

Cover yourself up man! Don't you have any sense of decency? Right! On with the real credits!

(Lights out again and video taped credits continue uninterrupted)

Scene one: Main Mission is one of controlled chaos bustling with even more extras that rush about franticly. The scene on the Main Screen (tape) now shows two suited figures pantomime an argument, and then fall to the ground wrestling over who's fault it was.

Helena (holding her Commlock and exiting stage right)

Medical Center meet me with an emergency team in section G, and prepare to receive casualties!

Koenig (talking into Commlock)

Kryten and security to the Command Center! Sandra, find out who was in hydroponics section!

Paul

Computer states all affected sections leading to hydroponics successfully sealed off.

Sandra

Herbalist Simon Templar, Patsy Benes, and… Edina Benes (breaks down crying.)

Koenig (crosses to her and puts a reassuring hand on her shoulder)

I'm sorry Sandra… Why don't you take the rest of your shift off?

Sandra (stiffens, eyes still wet and looks up at him)

I-I'll be all right Commander… <Sniff!> Thank you… (Exits quickly stage right)

Paul

Commander, she shouldn't be alone right now- (Sandra shouts "Yippee!" from off stage)

Koenig (holding up hand in restraint, SFX: "Pink Panther" theme is heard softly)

No Paul, I need you here right now. Besides, there's plenty of time to plan a party celebrating your mother-in-law's demise. You may have endured the "Benes bitches" for a while, but they raised Sandra, and she can handle planning the party herself (looks around for source of music.)

Clouseau (saluting as he enters from stage right wearing the typical overcoat and dark suit)

Inspector Clouseau reporting for duty!

Koenig (grabbing bridge of his nose in pain)

Oh no…

Clouseau (smugly)

Am I to assume that explosion was why you sent for me?

Koenig (recovering)

Yes, inspector. I want you to track down the cause of it, and report directly to me.

Clouseau (saluting)

Oui, Mon Commander! I will have the saboteur apprehended immediately!

Koenig

How do you know it was sabotage?

Clouseau (looking around first, then leaning toward him in confidence, then removes his slicker)

I have a sense for these things, you don't get to be chief inspector by being a bumbling idiot.

Koenig (to himself as Clouseau wrestles his slicker to the floor)

No, YOU get assigned to Moonbase Alpha for being a bloody nuisance. (Watches Clouseau pull out a magnifying glass and inspects set pieces between him and Paul) Now what are you doing?

Clouseau (clucking nervously, and distracted by a particular piece)

Looking for "clews"…

Koenig

Don't you think you should start at the scene of the explosion?

Clouseau

Nonsense! There are "clews" everywhere!

Kryten (shuffles in from stage right)

Commander Koenig you sent for me?

Koenig

Yes, I want you to work with Clouseau on why hydroponics blew up.

Clouseau (halts Kryten as he approaches him)

Do not disturb me when I'm looking for "clews"- A-ha! (Rounding on Paul) The case is sol-ved!

Kryten

Solvent?

Clouseau

No sol-ved, the case is sol-ved! The criminal is right here, Paul Morrow Je' accuse!

Kryten (mystified)

But Mr. Morrow has been here the whole time, how could he be guilty?

Clouseau (Paul wincing as the truth comes out)

He has conspired with Aliens to sabotage the food supply, making us turn to their home planet in search of food… And thus ripe for zee picking!

Koenig (bewildered at his leap in logic)

What? I've known Paul for over twelve years!

Clouseau

He is a mole!

Kryten

A moll, a female floozy?

Clouseau

No, a Mole! A deep mole… (Finding the proper word finally) A spy!

Kryten

What is his motive? That would have put his wife Sandra and their two children at risk too!

Clouseau

Then he must be a "Clewn"!

Kryten

A "Clown"?

Clouseau

No, no, not a "clown" with the big feet and silly nose! A "clewn", a-a-a duplicate, a Xerox!

Koenig (shaking his head in amusement)

Paul, are you a clone?

Paul (swallowing and composing himself as he checks)

I-I don't think so Commander.

Koenig (satisfied)

There you see, he's not a "clewn". Now get down to hydroponics immediately!

Kryten

If Mr. Morrow is a clown, then he must be a mole or at least near sighted, and therefore a SPY! (His head twists back and forth before smoking, and ends up leaning forward, arms hanging)

Clouseau (miffed)

That is why I will not work with that "fuel" of a (spits on floor in disgust) "robot".

Koenig (menacing Clouseau)

That "artificial life-form" has a hundred times your I.Q., and if you don't get your keister down to hydroponics you'll be spending the next 6 months cleaning out the solid waste recycler!

Clouseau (backing down reluctantly after realizing he's beaten)

As you wish, Monsieur… But remember I suspect everyone! (Heads toward front of stage)

Koenig

Clouseau! (Halts in mid-stride) The audience is that way, hydroponics is this way! (Points to S.R.)

Clouseau (shielding eyes)

I knew that! The old audience is in the front ploy! (Exiting now stage right.) Yes, I commend you on the use of it; I've used it many times myself!

Koenig (shakes his head, as Maya, Tony & Alan (both still in their space suits) enter from S.L.)

If only there was a cure for being French! Paul, have Chief engineer Lister send the Cat to bring Kryten down to Maintenance. (Turning on them) What the hell happened out there?

Alan (pointing at Tony)

This boofhead's last shot took out the hydroponics section!

Tony (also accusing Alan)

Alan must have switched my golf ball for an explosive one-

Alan (incredulous)

Bull! You couldn't lie straight in bed, Mate!

Koenig (shouting and moving between them)

Enough! I asked for an answer, not the finger! Maya get the computer’s last readings on-

Paul (standing, and pointing to the Saucer on the screen)

Commander! We've got a hostile contact!

Koenig (turning away from combatants)

How do you know it’s hostile?

Paul (watching the Main screen as a Saucer fires at the screen which fuzzes out again)

They just took out Satellite #37! And now #36 is down too!

Koenig (grabs both Tony and Alan)

We’ll sort this out later! Right now I want you two up there in an armed Eagle to check this out! (The two continue to glare at each other with open hatred and mistrust.) NOW! (Pulls out Commlock) Pilots Wallace and Gromit to your Eagle, get up there and knock that hostile down!

Alan (scoops up Female Tech and dips her)

Got a dangerous mission luv' <smooch!> be back in a jiffy! (Gets slapped before exiting)

Maya (looking up from her console)

Commander! The ship must be shielded from our probes; computer can't get any readings from it.

Koenig (Main screen shows Eagle prepare and lift off)

Damn! Then they'll be flying blind up there. I've never understood how they can get to an Eagle that fast! It's like there's some sort of chute leading directly from Main Mission to the Cockpit…

Maya (moving carefully up to Koenig)

Do you think it's wise sending Alan and Tony in an Eagle together right now?

Koenig

They've been rivals since they met, but while competition breeds efficiency, first and foremost they have to trust each other. The survival of Moonbase Alpha depends on trust and a team effort. I don't think either of them was responsible, but they'll be fine when we get to the bottom of this.

(They all watch the Main screen as a second Eagle rises up from the hanger accompanied by the soundtrack from "A Grand day out" <V.O. of Wallace and Gromit preparing to liftoff, at which point Wallace screams "Gromit! You forgot the cheese!" > other scenes of Eagles flying in space fighting off Saucers with lasers and losing explosively)

Paul

Commander! The computer has locked up again, it won't respond!

Koenig

Damn! I knew we should never have used "Windows 2K"!

Technician #1

We'd have done better with Apple Macs.

Koenig

Have you tried resetting the date back to 1998 again?

Paul

Wait… It’s running an old sound file program.

Koenig

A virus? Put it on main speakers.

Ed (V.O. on back Mic with low background music)

This is Commander Ed Straker head of SHADO, and this recorded message was triggered by the sensor readings of an approaching hostile ship. The Saucer heading your way is part of an ongoing invasion force that started in 1980. These Aliens have landed on Earth and abducted Humans for unknown reasons, and should be treated as a genuine threat.

Koenig

Patch this into the Eagle's comm system, maybe it can help them.

Ed (V.O. continuing)

The attacks stopped in 1985, S.H.A.D.O., the Supreme Headquarters for Alien Defense Operations, was dismantled after a year. This virus was hidden in Alpha's Computer as a contingency to prepare you if they returned. The incoming hostile is equipped with shields impervious to energy weapons.

Koenig (watching as footage shows an unsuccessful attack on Saucer with beam weapon)

Did you copy that Alan? Tony, switch over to a nuke!

Alan (sneezing)

Copy that Alpha, switching to nuclear warhead.

Tony

John, we've only got one shot at it.

Koenig

Then make it count!

Ed (V.O.)

Are you done?

Koenig (to computer)

Yes- Hey!

Ed (V.O.)

Relax, this is interactive. You will need to use a nuclear device of at least 1-megaton to penetrate their shields and knock it out of the sky.

Koenig

Will 5-megatons do?

Ed (V.O.)

It'll be vapors baby. (Footage shows Eagle successfully destroying Aliens.)

Alan (V.O., as others celebrate on stage)

Nice shot for a "Nancy-boy"!

Tony (V.O.)

The beer is on me when we get back!

Alan (V.O.)

If it’s that dingo's piss you call beer you'll be wearing it!

Tony (V.O.)

But my new batch #3576 is the genuine article, I used a lot less pork this time.

Ed (continuing)

Send an Eagle to these coordinates; 36N-24W-32' in the Mare Cerebrum, where you will find the SHADO Moonbase. You'll find special equipment, and meet a contact there.

Koenig

Alan, you and Tony get to those coordinates and keep me informed of what you find there. You see Maya they're both professionals when there's a crisis-

Tony (V.O.)

Commander, Alan won't stay on his side of the cockpit! (Koenig winces at Maya's knowing smile)

Lister (entering with the Cat and a 2 wheel dolly)

Ach! We only just got his head screwed on again! How did this happen?

Koenig

He was assisting Inspector Clouseau-

Cat

You let that loony near him again?

Koenig

It was my hope Kryten would keep him out of trouble-

Lister

Last time Clouseau used him for target practice, and chopped his head off!

Koenig

How long will it take to exchange heads and get him back on the case?

Cat

That depends on whether he blew a logic circuit.

Lister

I can get a spare on again and running within an hour, but I’ll have to load his other personality.

Cat

Hold on! I haven't eaten yet, better make that 2 hours, I got a date with some fishies!

Koenig

Just do it. Paul punch up everything you can find on this SHADO organization. According to that message we should be able to access all the files, and I want to know everything!

(Lights out)

SHADO Moonbase: The set uses the same computer backdrop, but with added silver trim pieces, there's one computer desk on stage right, and a huge freezer coffin down stage left (which is labeled "Do not open until Alien invasion".) Alan and Tony enter from stage left. Tony tries and fails to drink from a bottle of beer he carries until he lifts his visor much to Alan's surprise.

Alan

It smells like a nun's nasty…

Tony

I told you it was breathable. This is like wandering through Q branch!

Alan

What?

Tony

Oh, uh nothing! ‘My, what neat gadgets you have there grandma!’

Alan

‘All the better to blow things up with, my dear.’ You know, I can't shake this strange feeling of Déjà vu, like I've been here before…

Tony

Yeah, well let's just find this contact and get the hell out of here, this place gives me the creeps!

Cyberman (entering from stage left)

Turn over the Doctor to us now humans!

Alan

Who? Dr. Russell or Dr. Mathias?

Cyberman

We know that you are harboring our adversary the Doctor!

Tony

Oh! You mean "Dr. Who"! You want stage 17 across the street to the left.

Cyberman (re-exiting stage left)

Oh dear! Terribly sorry, thanks ever so much… Uhm, cheerio!

Tony

Bloody extras!

Alan

I've been meaning to ask you about something…

Tony

And?

Alan

You and Maya have been inseparable for the past 8 years… I mean she's completely Bonzers!

Tony

Incredible! Even your compliments sound like an insult, so what's your point?

Alan

When are you two going to get hitched? I mean, she's the Ultimate sheila! As a shape shifter she can be any skirt you desire! Big or small (indicating his chest), she can do it all! Woof-woof!

Tony (tired and frustrated)

She doesn't believe in marriage… I've asked countless times, but she says it's an alien concept to her, and goes against everything Psychon.

Alan (confused)

Huh? We stopped her Father "Mentor" from turning our brains into garters…

Tony (helpless)

We’re not the only unmarried couple on Alpha, look at Commander Koenig and Dr. Russell.

Alan

Heh, yeah, I'm sure you and Helena have had talkies.

Tony

She's twice as frustrated as I am, and with good reason! She's even offered to see if Maya and I are genetically compatible, if you know what I mean…

Alan (opens an old locker <on stage right> filled to the gills with Nestle Quick)

Chockies! I'll have my pick of the sheilas for life! Now if only I had a cow..?

Tony (Alan quickly shuts door)

What did you say?

Alan (quickly replacing box in locker)

Uh-uhm… I said "Chuck it, don't be a sheila and have a cow!"

Tony (satisfied, and motions Alan over to cryogenic chamber)

Oh, C'mere, I think I found something…

Alan (peering inside)

He looks a bit crook to me, you think he took a dirt nap?

Tony (chuckling)

No, look at the frost (holding up glove coated with baby powder).

Alan

Cryogenics! Let's take this lot back to Alpha for Dr. Russell to sort out, shall we?

Tony

That and a few of the toys we found on the way in, hmm?

Alan (looking back at the locker)

Yeah, there are a few things here I'd like to take back to Alpha myself…

(Lights go out as they start to push the freezer off stage left)

Medical Center: Stage is again changed to find desk turned to face the audience down stage left, and a medical bed with Ed Straker dressed in a gray Nehru jacket and his vitals above it now occupy up and center stage, with a chair next to it. Dr. Helena Russell is examining Ed Straker's charts at the desk, while a medi-tech is checking the computer wall behind them as Koenig enters.

Koenig (impatient)

Well, how is he?

Helena (standing to meet him)

Perfectly preserved John, we should be able to revive him soon.

Koenig

Let me know when he’s conscious, I have a lot of questions for this 'Ed Straker'!

Helena (concerned)

You sound like you know him..?

Koenig (annoyed)

Yeah, I know 'Ed ‘Ball-buster’ Straker' all right, he testified against me about some incident at NASA, and almost cost me command of this base. When that bastard wakes up, he'll tell me everything about this SHADO organization of his, or I'll shove him out an airlock myself!

Helena (grown aghast and angry)

John Koenig calm down or I'll shove YOU out an airlock! Ed is a patient here and as Chief surgeon he is my responsibility and NOT yours! Right now I'm prescribing a long walk (turning him around and moving him toward stage left), and if you can't return with a civil tongue I'll administer a suppository so big you'll NEVER forget it! (And off stage with a final kick) Sideways!

Ed (slowly rising and clutching his head)

Remind me never to get you angry, doctor… (Blinks at her and faints back down.) If I lower my foot to the floor will it stop the world from spinning?

Helena (nodding the embarrassed tech off stage right and heads to chair by bed)

How do you feel?

Ed (raising his arm slowly up)

Like a military academy, bits of me keep passing out (arm falls back down limp). Where am I?

Helena

Moonbase Alpha, do you remember your name?

Ed Straker, S.I.

Helena

What does the "S.I." stand for?

Ed (weakly)

"Supreme Idiot"- Ow….

Helena (giggling)

Well, at least your funny bone isn't impaired. Here (handing a glass of water) you're dehydrated.

Ed (eyes still closed rising up to drink)

Do you have a mirror, Doctor… Uhm…

Helena (bemused and rising to get one from her desk)

Doctor Helena Russell, Chief Medical Surgeon for Moonbase Alpha at your service… Ed (his eyes pop open with this statement, and looks at her in mirror waving at him).

Ed (Admiring his whiskers and placing pinky on lower lip a la Dr. Evil)

Now I know I'm going to die… What year is it?

Helena (considering)

Well that's a bit tricky…

Helena, please don't play games… I've just done time as a corpsicle.

Helena

It's not easy because we're not in Earth's orbit anymore.

You want to run that by me once more for the living impaired?

Helena

On September 13^th, 1999 the Earth's moon was ripped out of orbit by a freak nuclear explosion on the dark side, and sent spinning out of control into deep space-

That part I know…

Helena

How?

I saw the opening credits, but why don't you know what year it is?

Helena

Well, we've been through a few space warps, and while we've been in contact with Earth once, we still don't know what year it really is there. If you want subjective time, then it's October 2009.

Fifteen years! Ow…

Helena

Then you were frozen in 1994?

Yeah, that's about right. (Looking up at her) it's been a long time Helena.

Helena

It seems like almost a lifetime ago… But, it all comes back quickly doesn't it?

I know what you mean, I'm sorry I dropped out of sight on you... SHADO was a secret that took over my life, I lost track of you, and now you're a Doctor!

Helena

I only knew you were in charge of Harlington-Straker Studios, and way too busy to take any of my phone calls. What was this "SHADO" about anyway?

We were secretly protecting Earth from an Alien invasion and abductions… But the loss of my son was the hardest of all.

Helena

I'm sorry, I didn't even know you were married…

Ed (reflecting)

She left me after Bobby was killed in an auto accident, but there wasn't room for a marriage then… Helena, why did we lose track of each other? Could my priorities have been that far out of whack?

Helena

Yes they were, but you must have been sworn to secrecy as well. Do remember a "John Koenig"?

I remember a reckless bastard named John Koenig who almost killed me back in astronaut training at NASA. He reprogrammed my lunar flight simulator for a loop and six victory rolls on re-entry!

Helena

Sounds like a dangerous fellow. Is that all?

That's enough! Well… He also reversed the valves on my catheter backing up my septic system. (Helena giggles) Don't laugh! Scaring the crap out of me and leaving me rank wasn't enough!

Helena

And especially embarrassing you in front of a lady you were both trying to impress, no doubt!

Well, yeah… Why do you ask? Did I say something before waking up?

Helena

Oh, just something I heard while you were defrosting.

I hope I didn’t reveal any secrets... But enough about me, what about you?

Helena

After you left there was Medical school, and the books just seemed to swallow me up. I wanted to bring cures to the world, (impishly) and to have you look me up just so I could snub you.

Ed (Koenig enters from stage left quietly, unnoticed by either of them)

…And now?

Helena

Now… I'm old, tired, and just plain happy to see you! (They embrace warmly, and a shocked and embarrassed Koenig Leaves as unnoticed as he entered from stage left)

Whew! For a minute I thought you were going to prescribe a suppository!

Helena (gently chiding him)

As a matter of fact, you are on a strict diet of fluids until your body is ready for solid food again, Mr. Rip Van Winkle!

Hey! You leave my winkle out of this! (They embrace again)

(Lights down)

Main Mission: Tony is pacing as technicians are still trying to collate various data. Present are Maya, Alan, Blackadder, while Paul & Sandra are seated at opposite desks, but she seems to be upset with him and concentrates upon her work. Even his quiet approach earns a baleful eye that turns him around to sit down again, much to the amusement of others standing by. Mrs. Slocomb enters from stage right bent over and looking for something hither and thither.

Mrs. S (concentrating)

Here puss, puss, puss!

Alan (sarcastically)

Mrs. Slocomb, what an unexpected pleasure… Is there something I can help you find?

Mrs. S (Maya avoids Tony's accusing stare)

Yes, young man, have you seen my "pussy"?

Alan (swallowing a smile first)

Can't say that I have, can you describe it?

Mrs. S (continuing to look around)

Well, it's small and furry, with a little pink… you know "pussy" shaped.

Blackadder (volunteering)

Ma'am your "pussy" is quite dead, and has been so for quite some time now.

Mrs. S (rounding on Blackadder)

Young man! I'll have you know that I just bathed this "pussy", and saw him run off in this direction!

Blackadder

Six years ago you let your "pussy" out airlock #14 for walkies, and he made quite a mess outside. I know this because I had to clean up after he 'popped'! "Mr. Biggles" is an ex-pussycat!

Mrs. S (Drawing herself up indignantly)

Young Mr. Blackadder! If my late husband the Colonel were still alive today he would give you such a tongue lashing for speaking so rudely to a lady of such refinement!

Blackadder

Your husband the Colonel is alive, he’s the one who insisted upon the taxidermy…

Mrs. S

I meant from the waist down (storms off stage right.)

Tony (rounding on Maya)

Tell me you haven't been masquerading as Mrs. Slocomb's Pussycat "Mr. Biggles"…

Maya (shrinking)

Not recently…

Tony

When!?!

Maya (still shrinking)

She's such a nice old lady, and she misses her cat so much…

Tony

She's senile! It's a miracle she can remember her own name!

Maya

Then what harm could come from an hour of seeing her dear pet?

(Just then the Cat from "Red Dwarf" bursts from stage right, screaming "She's gone stark raving mad!" crossing to exit S.R. after being chased by a wheezing Mrs. Slocomb armed with a brush.)

Tony

My apologies…

Maya

Accepted.

Tony (with sarcasm, Maya winces as SFX: Aol's "You have Mail!" on CD)

…This time!

Sandra (standing and shouting at Paul)

No I won't forgive you, and don't send me email when I'm sitting right here!

Ed (entering with Helena from stage right with his music accompanying him)

-I hope your Commander isn't as clueless as that dolt 'John Koenig' Earth wanted to hand Alpha over to. Oh well, let's get this over with- Alan? Alan Carter?

Alan (Koenig enters from stage left looking for where the music is coming from)

Sorry mate, can't say I remember you, but your face is familiar…

Koenig (now standing behind Ed)

Dolt, huh?

Ed (rounding on him)

If there is a god, he has a very sick sense of humor.

Koenig

So have you two 'lovebirds' finished catching up?

Helena (stepping forward and blocking Straker from John)

What are you talking about?

Koenig

I saw you two embrace-

Helena

John! He’s my brother!

Koenig

Huh?

Helena

You’ve seen our picture on top of my desk!

Koenig (unsure and covering)

I may have noticed a photo somewhere-

Helena (menacing him even more and driving him back a step)

The one inscribed "To my darling sister", signed "Ed Straker"!

Koenig

Oh that photo! I thought it came with the frame…

Helena (storming over to the side)

Oh! Men!

If you’re done Sherlock, can we get down to business?

Koenig

If you're such a genius, why have these "Alien" friends of yours shown up now?

Paul punch up Earth's coordinates and our present position. (Paul does so, but only after he gets a reluctant nod from a seething Koenig) Thank you Paul. Just as I thought! We could never pinpoint the Alien's home world, but we knew they came from this sector.

Koenig

But that's where we're headed! Sandra program the long range sensors to sweep all planets in that sector for the same energy signature as that hostile ship. (She nods and checks)

Back in '85 when the attacks stopped, we concluded that it was due to lack of resources to reach Earth. Now that you're in range-

Keonig

-They've resumed the attack, but what do they want? Your files indicated that they meant to conquer Earth for their own, but we only have limited resources.

Not exactly, they never took anything but humans from Earth. What is your current compliment?

Koenig

"I like the Beard and mustache-"(realizing what Ed) Oh! Paul, give us a head count. (Paul stands up and begins pointing at every one on stage) I meant everyone on Alpha!

Paul

Oh… Well, with the destruction of hydroponics, and the last Eagle… Carry the three, multiply by pi, and divide by the hypotenuse… 257 Alphans.

Koenig

How many of them are adults?

Paul (checking screen again)

187 original Alphans.

Alpha was supposed to have a compliment of 311 scientists and technicians, what have you been doing in the decade- EATING THEM?

Koenig

We've been surviving on this moon, while you have been sleeping away Mr. Rip Van Winkle!

Now don't you start that again, it wasn't that funny the first time!

Koenig

Listen "Commander Nehru jacket"; the last person I'm going to take any criticism from is you!

Big words "Mr. Polyester flair pants", at least my Moonbase staff was dressed properly!

Koenig (Female extra dressed in UFO outfit crosses in front of them to thank Alan for the outfit)

Just what was the proper dress code on yoooour… base? (Both of them ogle her)

Helena (still upset)

John!

Koenig

What? Oh, right.

Sandra (SFX: computer noise and beep)

Commander!

Ed and Koenig (answering in unison)

Yes? (Then they glare at each other)

Sandra

Long range sensors found the planet!

Koenig

Alan prep Eagle 355 for immediate launch

Alan

Sorry Commander its grounded.

Koenig

Then get Eagle 472-

Alan

Waiting on parts.

Koenig

What about Eagle 527-

Alan

That one crashed last week.

Moonbase Alpha only had 40 Eagles, where'd the other 487 come from? Is the moon hollow now?

Koenig (ignoring Ed)

I'm going to kill Lister! What the hell do we have?

Alan (consulting computer terminal in front of him)

According to computer, we’ve got exactly one Eagle space worthy, and the rest are grounded.

Ed (interrupting)

John, there are three interceptors at SHADO (Alan Sneezes at this) Moonbase, ready to fly.

Koenig

They’re 15 years old, without fuel, and no pilots on Alpha are checked out on them!

They were carefully stored, Alpha can link up to the computer and have the automatic system refuel them. You have plenty of qualified pilots on Alpha, if you haven’t eaten them yet…

Koenig

Name one!

Alan for one and myself for another, together with your only functioning Eagle makes three!

Koenig

I don’t buy it, Alan’s records only show he was in the Australian Air Force before joining NASA.

Ed (smiling at the memory)

We tested the reprogramming of SHADO (Alan sneezes) operatives on Alan, by leaving a post hypnotic suggestion to sneeze every time he heard the word "Shadow" (Alan does again.)

Alan

Commander, we saw some pretty high tech ships and equipment over there, all of it like new, but I’ve never flown anything like-

Ed (turning on Alan like a hypnotist)

The Queen is a man!

Alan (staggers as if waking from a dream)

Oh… It’s like someone just opened the floodgates in my head… Ow! Commander Straker?

Ed (Turns to Alan then Koenig)

So you remember me now? Captain Carter was one of SHADO’s (Alan sneezes again) top pilots, along with key personnel, hand picked by me for deep undercover reprogramming.

Koenig

How many other operatives do you have hiding on Alpha?

Uh-uh Commander, that would be telling. Is Professor Bergman still here?

Koenig (as Victor enters from stage left preoccupied with a color flimsi-plast)

Sorry, but Victor was a casualty early on, did you know him?

Victor (Helena blocks Ed and starts to examine him in disbelief)

John, I've just been looking over the data on that new planet… (Koenig is staring at him in bewilderment) Are you all right John? Oh, hello Helena.

Koenig

You sound like Victor, but you have hair…

Victor

Oh, that will be the regeneration process, now about these readings-

Helena

But we saw you die! You were on the lunar surface and your helmet failed… It wasn't pretty.

Victor (patiently explaining)

Now Helena… You didn't happen to notice the little "H" on my forehead did you?

Koenig

We did wonder where that came from.

Victor

It was indicative of a solid hologram John, I just needed some time alone in my lab-

Koenig

8 years!?!

Victor

Well I had some temporal experiments running- Did you say 8 years?

Koenig

Your lab has been sealed since the accident, we haven't been able to open the door.

Victor

Well I'll be damned, it worked! That explains why I’m so famished!

Helena (to Blackadder who exits stage right)

Get Victor some food. (Hugging Victor) Welcome back! I like the hair (tousling it).

Ed (tired of being ignored)

I hate to break up the reunion but we have a crisis, nice to see you again Victor. It seems our old adversaries are back with a vengeance.

Victor

Ed Straker! Well now this is a surprise! Well it seems you were right about the Alien’s home planet after all. According to this data its more than habitable, it has everything we need!

Helena (doubtful)

No brain eating plants?

Victor

Well I didn't say that, but the only 'unfriendlies' there should be its 'English-speaking' inhabitants.

Amazing! How many almost suitable planets have you encountered on your journey?

Helena and Koenig (answering in unison)

Don't ask!

Koenig

Sandra, when will we be in Eagle striking distance?

Sandra

Within 9.8 standard hours, Commander.

All right, Paul I'll need to assemble a team of specialists for a covert mission-

Koenig

Wait a minute! This is my base and my command!

Okay, you assemble me a team of specialists for a covert mission.

Koenig

That's much better, Paul get Captain Bond- (SFX: James Bond theme.) Cancel that! (Music reverses) Call Emma Peel and Mr. Steed- (SFX: Theme from The Avengers.) Belay that! (Music reverses again) Does everyone have cool theme music around here but me?

Paul

But Commander you ordered us never to play that music again.

Koenig

Well I’m ordering you to play it now! (Strikes a dramatic pose to hear exciting music)

Paul (Blowing dust off CD, and placing it in CD drive, then putting earmuffs on)

You asked for it… (Derek Wadsworth music plays after a beat, while everyone holds their ears)

Koenig (Groaning and holding his head)

Ahh! Cut it off! (grabs offered CD, then tramples it) Let's get going!

Sandra (Victor, Helena, Alan all head off stage right after Koenig. Sandra stops Ed short)

Commander Straker? (Slaps him hard) That's for brainwashing me!

Ed (rubbing his face)

Sandra? But I didn't say you code phrase-

Sandra (Paul shrinks visibly)

You didn't have to! Paul shouted it out during our first child's conception!

Ed (looks over at Paul who just shrugs helplessly)

"Thunderbirds-are-go!"?

Sandra (slaps him again, and he beats a hasty retreat stage right)

That's for choosing the phrase!

Dalek (enters from stage left, V.O.)

Where is the Doctor!?!

Sandra

"Doctor" who?

Dalek (V.O.)

Exactly! Do not try to hide him humans or you will be exterminated!

Paul

Oh! You must be from that show "Dr. Who"! You want stage 17 across the street to your left.

Dalek (V.O. and turning around to go)

Oops! Terribly sorry! Cheers!

Sandra

Stupid git!

Dalek (V.O. swiveling head around again menacingly)

What?

Sandra

I said, "you can't miss it!"

(Lights down)

Planet Surface: The Set pieces have now been turned around to show a craggy rock-like surface. Sparse foliage adorns the sides with a few scattered clumps littering the stage, and low fog drifts across. Our heroes enter from stage right cautiously with stun guns drawn. Kryton's head is now "Marvin-the-paranoid-android" (from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy TV show.)

Koenig (followed closely by Helena)

Why do most of the planets we visit have this pea soup fog covering it?

Helena

Just the folly of location shooting in England, I expect.

Tony

It's cheaper than scenery.

Maya

What I’d like to know is why Helena and I never get to carry weapons on these missions?

Koenig

Helena is a healer and you’re more dangerous without one.

Kryten / Marvin (V.O. mic)

I hope you know all this walking around is causing me pain in all the servos down my left side…

If this is Kryten's back up personality I'd hate to see his regular one.

Victor

He’s a bit depressing but he does have a brain the size of a planet.

Not bad for an over-sized depressed paperweight, I suppose...

Kryten / Marvin (V.O. mic)

I’m not getting you down am I? I’d hate to think I was getting you down…

Oh switch off! (Which he does.)

Tony (followed closely by Maya, bringing up the rear)

That field back there looked like it was filled with maturing hops!

Alan

Brewing the old Amber liquid is not just an art form Down Under, it’s a religious experience, to call your brew "Beer" is a blasphemy! You wouldn't know brewing hops if they jumped on your face, and wiggled screaming "Brew me you barmy bastard!"

Tony

Yes I would! …I think?

Alan

The closest thing to beer you've gotten to in the past decade is a bloody yeast infection!

Maya

That was in poor taste!

Alan

So was his beer!

Will you two shut up about beer! Victor, are you sure this is where the energy reading originated?

Victor

Computer pinpointed this cliff, but it does seem oddly deserted...

Koenig

Our approach and landing were peaceful.

A little too peaceful…

Ment' Al (SFX: Voice of God on CD)

Ding dong Avon!

Koenig (everyone forms a circle with backs to cliff)

Didn’t we give at Blake’s 7?

Ment' Al (steps between cliff set pieces from behind them)

You always were a paranoid lot!

Maya (as everyone turns around somewhat, and separates on both sides)

Ment' Al!

Victor

The Master!

Tony

Rocky!

Huh? (Tony shrugs)

Ment' AL

Welcome to Gallifrey, please check your psyche at the door.

Maya

Ment' Al! I should have known you were behind all this!

Ment' Al

But you didn't…

Koenig

Quick Maya turn into something hideous and take him out!

Maya

How about Freddie Frieberger? Commander, this is my brother Ment' Al.

Tony

You never said your brother was "Mental"!

What do you want?

Ment' Al

What does anyone ever want? Life, the Universe… And your brains!

Maya

So you're continuing father's work?

Ment' Al

Mentor was an even bigger fool than "The Doctor"!

Helena

Hey! I represent that remark… I think?

Victor

Sorry Helena, I think he's referring to me…

Alan

But Professor-

Victor

Alan, I really am "The Doctor"!

Koenig

What!?!

Victor

I've been many things to many people John, Victor Bergman to you and many others, but I've always been the "Doctor". This being "Ment' Al" is in reality the rogue time-lord "the Master"

Ment' Al

Ah, but I am both Doctor!

Koenig (soothed by Helena)

I think I'm getting a headache!

Ment' Al / Master

Oh, but it gets even better! Commander Koenig and Dr. Russell are not whom they seem to be!

Helena

Huh?

Ment' Al / Master

Have you forgotten in all this time? The real Koenig and Russell were left on Earth! These two imposters are really (SFX: Mission: Impossible theme starts) "I. M. Force agents - Cinnamon Carter and Rollin Hand"!

Koenig

I knew it! I really do have a cool theme! (music fades after a while)

Ed (Alan sneezes)

SHADO intercepted those IMF agents before they left Earth! These really are John and Helena!

Victor / Doctor

Your reign of evil is over Master!

Ment' Al / Master

You've always been a fool Doctor! Your weapons are drained… By my associate!

Paul (smugly appearing from behind set center piece also)

Hello John…

Koenig

Paul? You mean Clouseau was right? Why did you do it?

Paul

Why did you demote me, leave me off every away team, and strand me on third shift?

Koenig

Sandra requested your transfer so you could watch the kids during her shift. She was afraid you'd freak out on some alien mushrooms again, and return in a body bag.

Paul (outraged)

That was 8 years ago!

Helena

You disobeyed my orders not to eat them, then nearly killed Alan and I screaming "Manna from Heaven, thy will be done!"

Paul (remembering)

Oh, yeah…

Koenig (comforting Paul, and putting a cautious arm over his shoulders)

Sandra lost her father when she was 5, and didn't want your kids growing up without you. I agreed to this out of compassion, not malice.

Paul

Then why did you promote this lout? He stinks of a distillery!

Koenig (looking at Tony and then back to Paul with a shrug)

He's disposable.

Tony

Hey! I resemble that remark! …I think?

Ment' Al / Master (taking stun gun from him)

Speaking of disposable associates… Paul, take your place with the other fodder while I rant!

Paul (a bit stupefied)

I'm sorry Commander-

Ment' A / Master

Hush! Now, where was I? Oh, yes! Mentor was foolishly trying to use my technology to save our home world. I let him develop the prototype, but I realized better test subjects could be found-

Maya

That's why you left!

Ment' Al / Master

-Elsewhere! If I may be allowed to finish pontificating?

Alan

Is that legal in public?

Ment' Al / Master (annoyed but continuing)

In order for the infinite power to be generated I needed… Humans! I started abducting specimens from Earth as test subjects, and found their Psychic potential perfect for MY 'Psychotron'. I found small colonies here and there that no one but the Doctor would miss… Then I found out that Earth planned to build Moonbase Alpha! Now with Alpha’s 311 plus-

Paul

-257, 188 original adults…

Ment’ Al / Master

What have you been doing all this time, EATING THEM!?!

Victor / Doctor

You caused the magnetic explosion of the radioactive waste dumps to explode, sending the moon on it's long journey through the galaxy to… Here?

Ment' Al / Master

Do you have any idea how hard it was to calculate the angles and aim that miserable rock? Precise timing was necessary to propel you to the planet Galifrey, at the heart of the galaxy!

Victor / Doctor

But that's-

Ment' Al / Master

Genius!

Victor / Doctor

Deranged!

Ment' Al / Master

Brilliant!

Victor / Doctor

Diabolical!

Ment' Al / Master

Stupendous!

Victor / Doctor

Impossible!

Ment' Al / Master

Wrong!

Victor / Doctor

If this is Galifrey, then where are the Time-Lords?

Ment' Al / Master

I have brought the moon here prior to their existence through space warps!

Victor / Doctor

Preposterous…

Ment' Al / Master (over the top)

Oh-ho! How the mighty have fallen! With my 'Psychotron' I plan to supplant the Time-Lords and prevent their existence! Boowaaaaahahahahahahaha!

Victor / Doctor

Obviously you neglected to study the history of Galifrey… The Time-lords' race were not native to this world, in fact they arrived in quite an unorthodox way… On Earth’s gypsy moon!

Ment’ Al / Master (Waaaaay over the top)

No! You lie Doctor!

Victor / Doctor (Judge Dredd enters from behind Ment’ Al and places hand on his shoulder)

Hardly, you have fulfilled your destiny and now face your punishment.

Dredd

All right creep, by order of the crossover police you are under arrest!

Ment’ Al / Master

On what charge?

Dredd (escorting him off stage left)

Using unlicensed characters from too many sources, misuse of a Time-And-Relative-Dimensions-In-Space machine, over acting…

Victor / Doctor

Well, that about wraps it up for me, I’ve a few history books on Gallifrey to alter-

Alan

You mean that’s it? 'Bob's your uncle' we win?

Victor / Doctor

Did I say that? You folks have quite a bit ahead of you arranging project Exodus to bring everyone down here, then there’s the epilogue-

Victor, I don’t wish to seem ungrateful, but doesn’t this seem a bit too… Anti-climactic?

Koenig

Yeah, we never even got to blow anything up!

Victor / Doctor (patiently patronizing)

Now John, you blew the budget on sets and special effects, and now that the BBC has bought the rights, well... Be happy that your long journey is at an end!

Sandra (entering angry heads straight for Paul)

There you are!

Paul (Shrinking from her)

Darling I can explain every-

Sandra (Grabbing his ear)

Don't you "Darling" me! Why couldn't you have done it sooner!

Paul (as confused as everyone else is)

What?

Sandra

If you had "arranged" the accident sooner I- (sobbing into his shoulder)

Paul (puts his arms around her in comfort)

I'm sorry Sandra, I guess the Devil made me do it…

Sandra (feebly trying to pull away from him)

Damn her! Damn both of them! <sob!> …And damn me for missing them.

Victor / Doctor

Oh I wouldn't say that…

Edina (staggering in from stage left with Patsy)

Sweetie Darling! We've just had the most amazing trip on something called TARDIS!

Patsy (turning to Victor / Doctor)

Yeah, do you know where we could score some more? (Both pass out face first)

Koenig

But what about Templar?

Victor / Doctor

Oh I wouldn't worry about him, by now he's in heaven… Analyzing the local flora, that is!

Clouseau (entering with Baldrick by the scruff of the neck)

Mon Commander, I have apprehended zee guilty party!

Koenig (looking at Paul)

We already know who blew up hydroponics, and his sentence is suspended, for now...

Clouseau

Mais Non! This is the scoundrel who did it! He even admitted as much!

Baldrick

I was cleaning out the recycler and said "I wish I could transfer to hydroponics but it’s gone".

Clouseau

You see! He admits it again!

Koenig

Clouseau put him down, you were right Paul was in league with the Aliens.

Clouseau (releasing Baldrick)

…I knew that. (Quickly exiting)

Alan

After the mass Exodus Tony, what'll you do next?

Tony

My family has been living off of the land for generations, thought I'd try my hand at farming. Paul?

Paul

Sandra and I have always wanted to have a Dairy farm, and with some wild cattle we saw …

Alan (turning to Baldrick and indicating Paul)

Looks like he may need your experience Baldrick! I'll take your cattle, and raise you a Steakhouse!

Koenig

I'll be in before the paint is dry for that steak!

(Ment’ Al / Master runs straight from stage left to exit off the front, followed afterward by Dredd)

Dredd (enters and looks around)

Situations beyond my control make me ask "Which way did he go?"

Alan (pointing at the front of the stage)

He took off like a Bride’s nightie that way. (SFX of a TARDIS taking off as Dredd follows)

Helena (using a sledgehammer to give that hint)

And what about your plans, John?

Koenig (flustered)

Well, I -uh… I'm sure there'll be plenty to do-

Helena

John, you promised me that when we found a new planet-

Walter (runs in from stage left flying a Mattel Eagle toy and into Koenig's arms)

Daddy!

Alan

There's big Wally!

Helena

Alan please, you'll give him a complex! His name is Walter 'John' Koenig!

Victor / Doctor

Now John, you may not realize this, but I am ordained on 4 different worlds…

Koenig (Bends his knee and takes Helena's hand)

You're right Victor I can't put this off any more. Helena, would you marry me? Please?

Helena (making him sweat a few seconds, then pulls him up for an embrace)

Of course John!

Tony (turning to Maya)

Care to make it a double?

Maya

Do all male humans have deficient hearing?

Helena & Victor (looking at her and in unison)

Yes!

All the males except Baldrick

What? (Baldrick belatedly says "Huh?")

Maya

Tony, Love isn’t an Alien concept, I just don’t need a ceremony to make me love you any more. You don’t need a gold band, just look in my eyes. We could even start that family you’ve talked-

Tony (sweeping her off her feet and twirling around with her)

Great! How about nine kids to start with?

Maya

NINE!?!

Tony

Yeah, well I come from a big Italian family!

Maya (desperately to Helena)

Helena what was that thing you were telling me about recently, a 'Vasectomy'?

Ed (as he and Alan exit)

Alan drop me off at the SHADO (Alan sneezes) Moonbase, will you? (Then turns around to Baldrick) Turnip!

Baldrick (Staggers holding his head for a few seconds, then turns to Tony)

Hello, my name is Rassalon.

(Lights down)

Epilogue: The stage is dark, but Main screen shows a Thunderbird raising up out of lunar surface. V.O. of Straker is heard through out this as the ship lifts off and takes to open space.)

Helena (V.O. on mic)

Project Exodus was a complete success as Alphans settled down on our new home. Ed Straker was left at the SHADO Moonbase to tidy up things there before transporting down, he claimed to have some classified loose ends to tidy up.

Ed (V.O.)

Helena, I just set the self-destruct sequence at the SHADO Moonbase for 12 minutes, which should be ample time for me to launch. Unfortunately, I’m just not cut out to be a colonist. I wish you all the best of luck; especially you John, Helena can be a real handful!

Alan (V.O.)

So where will you go now?

Ed (V.O.)

SHADO picked up some surplus equipment when Lady Penelope shut down the Thunderbirds project, Alan. I also have a map of temporal and spatial abnormalities, or "Holes" that I acquired years ago from 6 grubby little time bandits. With any luck I'll be home before I left!

Alan (V.O.)

Then how about some travelling music on your way home to the big blue marble?

Ed (V.O.)

Thanks Alan, that'd be great!

Alan (V.O.)

Uplinking, and here she comes, the whole kit and Caboodle!

(SFX: A 5 second high-speed noise)

Ed (V.O.)

That was either a small catalogue or a very high transfer rate!

Alan (V.O.)

Oh, that’s all the music you’ll need. This is just payback for my post-hypnotic suggestion…

Ed (V.O. confused as we hear the start of the Spice Girls song "Wannabe")

What? I don’t… Oh no!

Alan (V.O.)

Right, you only get one song, and the virus I sent will repeat it forever! You can either tear apart the computer or go deaf! Happy landings "Commander"!

Ed (V.O.)

Noooooooooooo!

(Video fades, spot up for cast and crew bows, SFX: George Harrison's "Dream Away")

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