You might be a teacher if... You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free. You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside. When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior. When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce. You can't have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it. Meeting a child's parents INSTANTLY answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

Laws of Teaching Disaster will occur when visitors are in the room. A subject interesting to the teacher will bore students. The time a teacher takes in explaining is inversely proportional to the information retained by students. A meeting's length will be directly proportional to the boredom the speaker produces. The problem child will be a school board member's son. When the instructor is late, he will meet the principal in the hall. If the instructor is late and does not meet the principal, the instructor is late to the faculty meeting. New students come from schools that do not teach anything. Good students move away. ,

How to Do Homework the Proper Way   (American way of doing homework) 1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it. 3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. 4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him. 5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. 7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters. 8. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade... You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. 9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. 10. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper. 11. Listen to the other side. 12. Check your e-mail again. 13. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. 14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large. 15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor. 17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since the last time you checked. 18. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. 19. Catch the last hour of your fovourite film on channel 26. 20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot. 21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 22. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is. 23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. 24. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall. 25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it. 27. Check your e-mail. 28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. 29. Lie face down on the floor and moan. 30. Leap up and write the paper. 31. Type the paper.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket in a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your windows in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash

What job ads *really* mean: "Competitive Salary" We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition. "Join our fast-paced company" We have no time to train you. "Casual work atmosphere" We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. "Some overtime required" Some every night and some every weekend. "Duties will vary" Anyone in the office can boss you around. "Must have an eye for detail" We have no quality assurance. "Career-minded" Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way). "Apply in person" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled. "Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience" You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit. "Problem-solving skills a must" You're walking into perpetual chaos. "Requires team leadership skills" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. "Good communication skills" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

HUMOUR