jokes

Letter Home From School

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I
$imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from
you.

Love,

Your $on.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad

Stupid...

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Happy Birthday Boss

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"

His employees replied, "No."

Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"

His employees replied again, "No."

Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"

His workers responded, "A puppy."

The dean of Engineering had once walked into a class, and said "Good Morning." The whole class chorused "Good Morning".

"Hi, you are freshmen aren't you?" he asked.

One student bolder than the others asked him how he knew.

"Well," he said. "When I say 'Good Morning' to a class, if they are freshmen they say 'Good Morning' too. If they are sophomores, they quietly fold their papers away, and look at me. A class of Juniors will look at me over the top of their papers, and then get back to them. A class of Seniors will ignore my greeting, and keep reading the papers. When I say 'Good Morning' to a class of graduate students, they write it down.

The Juggler

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well show me," the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said ,"Holy Mother, I've got to give up the drink! Look at the test they're giving now!"

ELEPHANT JOKES

What time is it when an elephant sits on your car?
Time to buy a new one.

Why is an elephant large, grey and wrinkled?
Because if it was small, white, and smooth it would be an aspirin.

How does an elephant get down from a tree?
It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.

How do you know if an elephant is under your bed?
The ceiling is very close.

How do you get four elephants in a car?
Two in the front and two in the back.

How can you tell that an elephant has been in the refrigerator?
You can see its footprints in the butter.

How do you know that an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
You'll find the footprints in the butter.

And that two elephants had been in your refrigerator?
Two won't fit in, damn it!!

Why did the elephant lie on its back with its four legs pointing upwards?
To trip low-flying sparrows.

How can you prevent an elephant from passing through the eye of a needle?
Tie a knot on its tail.

Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of
Pupil: Life imprisonment !

Teacher: Name four members of the cat family
Pupil: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens !

Teacher: What is further away, Australia or the Moon ?
Pupil: Australia, you can see the Moon at night !