Yet Another Lily Story Draco: All right, lets go over basic rule one for posting things on places such as FF.net. You make the title interesting, and you make the description captivating. You do *not* spit out some phrase that crosses your slash addled brain at the moment you post. Why the hell do you think people actually read Luminescense? Chapter 1 Lily Evans was pretty. Hermione: Generally you want to have ‘Chapter 1’ seperate from the first sentence Harry: And you want the first sentence to... well, not blow goat chunks. Oh yes, she was pretty all right, but she didn’t have the perfect family like everybody thought she did. Harry: Has anyone *ever* thought my mum had a perfect family? Ron: ....no, not really. Instead, she was stuck with her ugly; mean twin sister, Petunia, and her mom who always took Petty’s side. Harry: That goes against absolutely anything weve ever heard in any reliable source. Hermione: What part? Harry: All of it! First of all, Aunt Petunia obviously suffers from a long term standing jealousy of a sister she feels was treated better than her. Draco: *Snickers* ‘Petty’ is an interesting nick name. Its kind of like Douschey. The only person who was half decent in Lily’s family was her father. Hermione: Is that keeping in mind that *Lily* is in Lily’s family? He was the one that gave her candy. Harry: No, that would be a cooky old uncle. She isn’t dog the father’s taken a likening too. Hermione: Were about to get smacked with a whole slew of cheap pro Lily sentiment. I can feel it. Mom always got Petty new furniture for her room, and Lily was always stuck with Petty’s old furniture. Harry: Oh gods no, old furniture! Even though furniture lasts for, well, a long time. I lived under a bloody stair case. Also, Petunia got a cat! Hermione: And we all know cats can only be enjoyed by the person who it was given too, right? The only pet Lily had was her stupid goldfish that had magically stayed alive for two years. Harry: <Goldfish> Bitch... The goldfish’s name was changed to Magic because of that. Hermione: Lily has a bit too much time on her hands, methinks... Petunia even got to go to a $10,000 dollar private school and Lily went to the dirty old public school. Ron: Yeah. You know how much sense that makes? None. Because no parent, no matter how ignorant, could try to justify that. “Lily, stop beating up your sister.” Their Mom called. Their Dad was at work. Hermione: ‘Her’ would have worked. Seeing as their supposedly twins, I doubt they had different parents. Harry: Last time I checked, girls dont really beat each other up too often... “I’m not!” Lily yelled back. “Don’t lie to me, Lily!” Hermione: ....righto “I didn’t” Lily started to get mad…It was strange. Draco: Actually, its fairly normal to get pissed when stuck in something as poorly written as this Whenever she got mad, something weird and abnormal would happen. Harry: Yikes. The average person gets mad at something a *lot* during the day. She must lead an interesting life. Once, Petunia had started a fight with her and Lily got really, really mad at her, and a second later, she was covered in poop. Hermione: ......*sighs* Harry: What in the f- Hermione: Harry, don’t. Don’t even dignify it with a comment. “AHH.” Petunia’s cry came from the bathroom. “MY HAIR, IT’S BLUE!” Draco: Normal people wouldn’t take the time to explain the problem to anyone who happens to be down the hall at the moment... Lily started laughing. Harry: People’s hair start turning blue, and she thinks its funny. Maybe she should check the mirror to make sure it isn’t catching before deciding to bust a gut. “What’ll the girls think? I’m going to the mall with them this afternoon!” Draco: Hair dye. Or not going. So much easier than poorly written melodramatics. Petunia was very popular at her school. Hermione: Apparently this is bizzaro school, where mean and ugly equal popular. She even had a boyfriend, even though he was fat and dumb. Harry: Ah yes, she sounds like quite the popular one all right. It was a wonder how her boyfriend, Vernon Dursley, was accepted into Smelting, a private school for boys. Hermione: I dont even think the author knows where hell she is trying to go with this Nothing strange had ever happened with Petunia, even though the twins were totally the opposite personality wise. Hermione: Wow. Usually when they say ‘even though’ you assume the second thing they say is going to have some *slight* revelence to the first thing. Harry: Guess not... Draco: Wouldn’t suddenly getting piled with shit and having your hair turn blue be considered ‘strange’? Even they looked different. Harry: *Gasp* Call Guiness! They look different! Lily had beautiful curly orange locks and dazzling green eyes. Harry: Last time I checked, mum wasn’t a red head... Petunia, on the other hand had unnaturally straight blond hair and cold brown eyes, well, at least when she looked at Lily. Draco: Yeah. The second she looks away, they turn purple. Its the damndest thing. With her friends, they were bright and happy, but still she was ugly. Harry: Im all for unadulterated Aunt P. bashing, but this seems a bit over the top when theyre trying to tell an actual story Hermione: And when theyre trying to tell an actual story. “Okay, no big deal, we have hair dye from the last time this happened.” Mom said. Hermione: .... Draco: Yeah. I think its time for ‘Petty’ to go see a doctor very, very soon, if this happened more than once. Harry: And my grandmother needs to go off the valium so she can react properly. “And you young lady…” She turned to Lily. Hermione: Oh yeah. The realism is just radiating off this story. But something happened that Lily would never forget. Draco: Her mom exploded in a thousand pieces, staining the walls with blood and showering her with raining red meat. The end. Hermione: Nice try. An owl flew through the open window of Lily’s small bedroom. Draco: Too bad Lily was armed with a shotgun. That bird never new what hit it. It was darned tasty though. Harry: Draco... Petunia came in at that time too and she screamed her head off. Hermione: Yeah. As opposed to trying to deal with her suddenly blue hair and her doped up mother, she decided to absently wander around the house. Makes sense to me. The owl proceeded to drop an envelope onto Lily’s bed. Harry: What the hell is wrong with just putting these letters in the mail? Then it landed on the desk. Draco: Yeah. There was no reason to add any description to, well, anything in that. None at all. Lily looked at the letter. The paper was actually parchment. There was green writing on it. It read: Draco: Potter, your mum is cool. X-ray vision and all, reading the letter without opening the envelope. Old school super powers. Harry: Hah. Hah. Lily Marie Evans Hermione: Ill bet anyone ten bucks right now ‘Marie Evans’ is this authors real name Harry: Yeah right. Id rather keep my money, thanks. The Smallest corner bedroom Harry: Way to rip off The Philosophers Stone. Really. The Evans Mansion Hermione: If they have a mansion, I really don’t think ‘the smaller corner bedroom’ would be that damn constricting Little Winging Surry Draco: Yeah, yeah, wee... get the fuck on with it. Lily opened the envelope. Inside there was a letter and Lily couldn’t believe a word of it. Hermione: <Lily> Sincerely!? That lying twit! It said: Dear Miss. Evans, Draco: *Yawns*... You have been accepted at Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry. Please find an enclosed list of necessary supplies and equipment. Harry: I really would assume that they would provide a bit of background information to Muggle borns... Hermione: They do. Trust me. Term begins September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31. Draco: Youd also expect they explained what in the hell they meant by ‘your owl’. Oh well... stupidity through and through makes for better mockery Yours sincerely, Minerva McGonagall Minerva McGonagall Deputy Headmistress Harry: Cause Dumbdledore sending it would, you know... Hermione: Make actual sense? Harry: Yeah. P.S.: I have a second year meeting you, he will help you in shopping for school supplies. Draco: Because a twelve year old is the perfect person to guide an elven year old... “I-I-Can I go?” Lily asked Hermione: Well there goes the ‘couldn’t believe a letter of it’ then she added. “Magic does exist!” Harry: Ah yes, undeniable proof, a letter. Mmm hmmm. “Yeah, dweeb, it’s your goldfish.” Petunia seemed to always sound mean, even when she was really scared. Draco: Actually, Petunia seems to be the only one thinking half assed rationally. No smart person would believe something as big as this with zero proof Harry: I had a half giant who grew Dudley a pigs tail, after all “Uh, sure…” Lily’s mom said. Hermione: Tad different from what Rowling said her reaction was, eh? Harry: Just a tad... Lily sent a reply with the owl saying a simple ‘Yes’. Ron: If I didnt know what owl post was, I really dont think Id know how to get the owl to send anything to anyone Then another owl flew through the window. Harry: ...*blinks*... that was fast It too had a letter tied to it. Draco: Foot. Tied to its foot. If it has a letter tied to it then its wings are all tied up and it is going to fall and die. Harry: Why not send both letters with the first owl? Ron: Maybe its too heavy... Harry: Well that all depends if its an African or European Swallow. I mean owl. Ron: .....what? Hermione: Dont ask. “What could this be about?” Lily asked. Draco: Oh I god damn fucking *wonder* She opened it, and read aloud: Harry: Because Petunia and her mom sound so interested Dear Miss Evans, An evil wizard by the name of Voldemort has risen to power a few years ago, and he gained followers called Death Eaters. Harry: ...oh my god. Hermione: Pathetic. Just... pathetic. And sad. Ron: Pathetisad. Draco: I think Ill go with retardasuck. Now, my business to tell you is that 1) you are not to speak his name to any student, unless you choose to because most people are afraid of it, Hermione: Interesting rule. ‘Dont do it unless you choose to’ Harry: Dumbledore always tells people to use his name... 2) He has gone to a small muggle (Non-Wizard) company by the name of Evans & Fervid haircuts and killed everybody there, wizard or Muggle. Group: *Stares in wordless disbelief* It seems that your father, being the manager, was also killed in this “Bombing” as the muggles said. Group: *Still staring* I hope that you do not take this personally or not come to Hogwarts because of this Harry: WHAT!? Hermione: Dont take it personally?! Her father was killed! Ron: And why in sweet fucking heaven and earth would that stop her from going to hogwarts? , and we dearly hope that you or you family do not commit suicide. Harry: *Freezes* Hermione: ........ Draco: *Falls off his chair laughing* Hermione: Draco! Draco: Im sorry, but that is *the* dumbest thing Ive ever seen! Thats here or anywhere. And Ive seen Gryffindor win the House cup four straight years now. Hermione: *Snickers* Yeah... you have a point Harry: Hermione! Hermione: About the dumbness, not the house cup 3) To get into Diagon ally, you must go to a pub called the Leaky Cauldron Harry: What Diagon Ally was, and where on the planet the Leaky Cauldron resides, Lily never knew, but spent the rest of her Muggle life wondering about... and James Potter will meet you there on July 31. Harry: Oh christ. The pub is located between Merges bookstore and a small coffee shop that I do not know the name of. Draco: *Was about to get off the floor, then falls down laughing again* Hermione: Dumbeldore knows everything. And there is no reason to put ‘that I don’t know the name of’ for, well, *anything*. I have informed you of this personally because it is important to me that you hear this from somebody that you will soon see. Ron: Did that make a stitch of sense to anyone at all? Harry: ...no, it really didn’t Also, I didn’t want to ministry of magic to tell you otherwise because in about a month you will be coming here to Hogwarts. Ron: How about that? Harry: ...still no Fondly, Albus Dumbledore Headmaster of Hogwarts Hermione: That was the most pathetic, souless, and waste of text things I have ever had the curse of reading. “DADDY! HE’S GONE! AND IT WAS YOUR TYPE THAT DID IT!” Petunia cried and flung herself back out of the door. Draco: *Hauls himself up* Oh christ... should be tick off how much is wrong with that? Harry: Well first of all, they probably shouldnt take this on faith from a letter Hermione: She also would have yelled a lot earlier in the letter... Ron: They havent known about Lily long enough to think of them as ‘her type’ Draco: And you cant fling yourself back out a door unless you flung yourself into the door to begin with. And that would hurt. Because doors are, you know, solid. “But-“ Lily started, tears flowing down her eyes. Hermione: The first normal response to anything and this story- crying over the death of her father- and its sidelined by some stupid comment made by a transparent character sister “W-We have to go, he said the 31st!” Lily’s mom said, clearly sad that her husband had died and was also clearly trying to be strong for her daughters. Harry: Because there is no way this is a special case or anything Hermione: And theres no way Dumbeldore would give them more than 24 hours in the first place “And that’s today!” Draco: And thats obviously whats important right now! “Oh!” Lily said. They rushed to the car and Lily jumped into the back. All through the car ride, Lily’s mom said how proud she was of Lily. Harry: Yeah. They loved Daddy all right Draco: *Thump-thump, Thump-thump* <Lily> I thinks we just ranned over Daddums! Ron: <Lilys Mom> Meh. Harry: *Snickers* But then her proud comments turned to worry as she wondered what she was going to buy the supplies with. Harry: Hey hey, my grandmothers psychic... Obviously Pounds and Pence wouldn’t do. Hermione: <Dryly> Oh yes. Obviously. Quite. Lily snapped her head up and found that they were in front of Merges bookstore. Harry: *And* granny has a teleporting car She looked over towards the coffee shop and saw that there was no pub in between them. Hermione: Excellent English, that Draco: Oh shut up and go read a text book “Lily? I have to bring Petunia to the mall…I’ll be back at one!” Harry: Righto. And shes a negligent parent who could be arrested for what shes doing Hermione: Its amazing that Petunia wants to go to the mall with a dead dad and blue hair Lily got out and the car drove off. She noticed the 100-pound note that her mom had left her. Draco: Er... she left the car, her mom didn’t. So the only way her mom could leave her money was if she dropped it on the street. Lily looked back at the bookshop. Then she looked at the coffee shop. Ron: *Yawns* Woo. Fucking. Hoo. Suddenly she saw somebody pass between the two and a small pub came into existence. Hermione: Screaming. Puzzlement. Jesus Christ, give us something here! It was rather dark and it had a sign right above it saying ‘The Leaky Cauldron’. Draco: It was dark? How the fuck was it dark? Harry: *Shrugs* Maybe the paint job was dark... Draco: Well then they should *say* that “Uh, sir? Can you see that pub there?” She asked a man. Ron:  *Sighs* Thats the exact question I would ask “What pub? Little girl, I think you need to go to a mental institution.” The man said and walked into the bookstore. Draco: Oh god this is just... so bad.... Harry: The man sounds very harsh Ron: A simple ‘no’ would have sufficed “Hmm, so only witches and wizards can see it!” Lily muttered aloud. Hermione: Ok, shes talking to herself. Maybe she does need to go to an institution. Harry: My mum was very observant for acting like a personality void twat. She walked in. It looked rather grubby for a pub. Ron: Oh for the days of pubs with plush carpet floors, stained glass windows, and peacocks strutting around the tables It also looked famous, since there were a whole lot of people in it. Draco: If people per square footage equals fame, than Weasleys house should be on the map “And who would you be?” Asked a drunk man Lily presumed. Draco: *Porn Music* Hermione: She persumed him on a first date? Tss, slut. “Come here! Have a drink! Butterbeer?” The man asked her. Ron: ‘The man’ seems unusually charitable. Harry: Almost to the point of slipping a roofie in said butterbeer. Ron: <Man> No! Its supposed to turn blue and foam over the top like that! Really! Then she noticed the medium sized boy sitting next to him. Draco: *Porn Music* Hermione: Woah... thats too gross. ‘medium sized’ is too much for me Draco: *Porn Music* Hermione: Wha- ew! Damn you... He had black hair and dark brown eyes. But that was because he was in the shadows. Ron: The shadows mysteriously only lay over this boy in the middle of a pub Draco: Its from the cloud of doom that raised up when we first read this fics title. Harry: Yeah. As soon as he steps into the light, his eyes turn blue, his hair turns red, and he grows a third friggin arm. The boy had glasses and he looked a little taller than Lily. Hermione: Sadly, that is the pinnacle of intelligent description we are going to receive. She wondered if this boy was the person she was waiting for. Ron: Actually, *hes* been waiting for *her*... “My name’s William Potter and this is my son, James Potter. Hermione: The boy has a son? Good god... He’s in his second year and he’s waiting for a muggle born girl.” Harry: Also spoken as “Hi. Is your name Lily?” “Dad!” The boy said. Harry: Stop being helpful and saying what I should but arent! “Hello, I’m Lily Evans.” Lily got her first words in. Ron: Well lets throw her a parades. Harry: With a big banner and one of those floating balloons... Draco: Of a doosh. A big one. “Lily so pleased to meet you.” The man said and she knew he wasn’t drunk. Hermione: Without a comma, that sounds like Lily is speaking caveman to the two Draco: Drunk people cant be please? Drunk people are pleased at *everything* “No, you’re Lily Evans? I thought you’d actually be…well, I thought you’d be ugly.” Harry: *Loss for words* Hermione: My god. Why would he think that? Ron: And why the FUCK would he say that? James said. “Listen, Dad, I have to show Lily around Diagon Ally. See you at one!” Hermione: Leave the responsible adult at the pub so the *kids* can do the important stuff... Then he pulled Lily out of the pub and into a dead end. Hermione: <Lily> Oh my nose! Harry: Too many back episodes of the Brady Bunch just flashed back to me “Oh great, this is the ally? Hmm, let me guess, that brick is one shop and that’s another!” She said pointing at two bricks. Hermione: The bricks... are shops? Harry: No. I mean, that would be kind of cool, but they really truly arent. Then they started moving to form an ally way. Draco: You need to tap the bricks with a *wand*... “Two up three across and you got it perfectly.” James said. Hermione: She only pointed at two bricks! With her fingers! “Why wouldn’t I?” She asked. Harry: Because its a total secret from the Muggle world and if you can crack it like that there is an amazing security breech going on in the Ministry “Oh, I thought muggle-borns were dumb, especially if they’re in their first year. Harry: We *are*. In magical terms, anyway Hermione: *Ahems* Harry: Oh shut up, we know your jesus christ of wisdom Hey Sirius!” He said the last part to a boy that looked almost exactly like him except he didn’t have glasses. Harry: My dad didnt look a damn thing like Sirius “Jamsie! Old buddie old pal!” Sirius called. Lily rolled her eyes. Not another one. Harry: Hey! Whatd my dad do? Draco: I dont know, but your godfather is rambling on like some sort of retard... “Hey Sirius.” Lily said dully. Harry: See? Psychic! “Heya carrot top!” Sirius said. Harry: My mom was *not* a red head! “It’s Evans, Lily Evans.” Ron: Bond. James Bond. Hermione: .....? Ron: I heard Harry say it once. Im not sure what it means Hermione: Oh. Good. “I’m Black, Sirius Black.” Sirius said. Harry: I dont think people are going to introduce themselves that way if it begins by saying ‘im Black’. That would cause some commodition in a dark room in, say, Alabama “Well, I can see you’re serious.” She smiled. Hermione: ha. ha. aaaah! Why do people think that pun is at all original or funny? “Well, I don’t like your friend, James, she’s going to end up in Slytherin.” Sirius said. Draco: Sudden affection flooding for Sirius. Come to the dark side, dog boy, we need to talk “She might be in Ravenclaw, but she’s not my friend, I hate her guts now.” James replied. Hermione: What the *hell* just happened? Harry: *Mouths wordlessly* Draco: Sometimes I think people actually write this shit with the intent of us killing ourselves “Well, wait until I learn a few spells, Potter.” Lily said Draco: ...god Potter, your entire family is like me. Hateful, calls last names, and threaten people “We’re going by last names now?” James asked. “Heya Black! Heya Evans!” “URG! CAN’T YOU TWO BE SERIOUS?” Lily screamed. Hermione: Someone badly needs a Midol. Harry: I dont think hes kidding, I think hes mocking her. “I’m Sirius!” Sirius said. “Although that’s an old joke of Jamsie’s here.” Hermione: ......no, its an old joke of Lilys. Wait, its a *new* jopke. “URG!” Lily screamed again and she stormed off. She had tears in her eyes. This wasn’t going very well. Draco: *Laughs* Harry: Dude, you are so cold its scary “What’s she doing? She doesn’t know where to go!” Lily heard Sirius yell. Harry: But they hate her. So what the hell do they care? She hated James Potter. Draco: This is the absolute worst Lily hates James plot Ive ever read, and thats saying something with a plot like that. He and his crone Sirius Black were a menace to all society. Hermione: ...righto They should be kicked out of Hogwarts for bad behavior. Harry: They arent *at* Hogwarts Draco: And I dont think saying some names could get you kicked out of ‘warts. You three could vivisect a teacher and only get detention. “Heya cutie.” Said a cold drawling voice. Draco: Malfoy represent. Woo. “Oh and I suppose you are a Hogwarts second year?” Lily asked turning towards the voice. Harry: *Shakes his head* We had my mom at the school and they use TREVALENLY for predictions? White blond hair, silver eyes, and a smirk met her. Draco: *Silver eyes*!? I thought that was Ollivander “My name’s Lucius Malfoy, and no, I’m a third year. You’re a first year?” He asked. Draco: This is stupid. We have people to buy things for us. We dont go to Diagon Alley Harry: Only Knockturn, right? Draco: Huh? Harry: Oh, right, I was in a closet... Draco: Just kidding. I did read the books, you know. Tool. “Yeah, James Potter’s supposed to be showing me around, but I hate him and ran off on him. He acts so…” Hermione: Hate. Formed in 4.75 seconds. A new record. “Ignorant? Rude? Selfish, Dweeb?” Lucius suggested. Draco: *Drums fingers together, ala Mr. Burns* Exxxxcellent.... “Thank you, yes!” Lily replied. Harry: Oh god, mom, back away from the Malfoy Draco: My dad is going to mack your mom........ *pales*. Ew. “Well I’m glad another person hates him and not just the Slytherins.” Lucius rolled his eyes. “These are my- Friends Thomas Crabbe and Erik Goyle.” Draco: Ok... so if our parents went to school together, and so did we, that means they all chose the exact same, like, 6 month period to knock their old ladies up. Ewww... He pointed to two burley boys that were like huge rocks, stiff and solid. The room: *Silences. Everyone turns to look at Draco* Draco: Oh come on! That ones too obvious. Fine. *Plays porn music* “Pleased.” She said. “Could you help me around? I’m new to this kind of stuff.” Draco: If this is followed by Lucius offering her a ‘trade’ Im going to need to excuse myself Hermione: Why, Draco, cold shower? Draco: .......! Ron: Burn. “Ah, so you’re a Mudblood? I hope that you are the first Mud- Muggle-born into Slytherin!” Lucius smirked. Draco: *Growls* All Muggles are Mud Muggles Harry: Hey! Just because she tagged you doesnt mean you need to flip out on Hermiones birth Draco: What? Oh. No. Shut up. I wasnt arguing my feelings on the matter, thats just how the semantics go. No Muggles are good muggles, as it is. “Me too. I have a hundred pound note here, where do I trade it and what do I trade it for?” Lily asked Draco: <Lucius> Well... *unzips* Hermione: DRACO!!! Draco: Sorry. I couldnt resist. Harry: And my moms still psychic... “You trade it at Gringotts. It’s a wizard bank. See this?” He held up a bronze coin. Harry: Out from behind your ear! “This is a Knut. Draco: So if you would just hold it and rub it for a few mi- Hermione: DRACO!!! Draco: This is getting fun Twenty-nine Knuts to a Sickle, Draco: The sickles orgasm can blow a whole in a wall Hermione: ........><!! This is a sickle” He held up a silver coin. “This is a Galleon, seventeen Sickles to a galleon.” He held up a gold coin. Draco: ‘Galleon’, of course, is latin for a Sickle circle jerk Harry: Dude... stop it... Draco: What? How do you think they fill swimming pools these days? Hermione: AGH! They stepped into the white marble hall of Gringotts and saw… “Are they goblins?” Lily asked. Harry: Fuck Miss Cleo. My mom is a god. “Yes. They are the- creatures that you trade muggle money with.” He said, and then he just shoved the 100 pounds into a goblin’s hands; the goblin looked at it and then jumped down out of sight. They heard jingling and he came back a moment later with a bag full of coins. Lucius nodded. Draco: Too bad their all knuts, because 100 pounds isnt going to get you half of what you need to go to school. This isnt like crayons and shit. They walked back out again. Harry: Weee...... “I’ll get all of your supplies while you get fitted for robes.” Lucius said and they parted at Madam Malkin’s Robes For All Occasions. Lily entered the shop. Draco: Oh come on. You know he just cloaked himself and is now crouched beneath the dressing podium. “Hogwarts?” The lady asked. Lily nodded. “Go back there, we have another person fitting for new robes.” Harry: So just walk right in on them. Hermione: You *know* this is going to be a rip off of the original time this happened with you and Draco Lily stepped over. She saw another red haired girl, not as pretty as Lily, but still pretty. She looked about 15 or 16. Harry: *Raises eyebrow* Mary Sue in progress...? Draco: Ill get the gun ready, just in case. “Hi, My name is Molly, Molly Grinders. I know, stupid last name.” Molly sighed. Ron: ...*hangs head in shame* Harry: *Snickers*... erm, I mean, your names not too bad. Hermione: I dont think people are used to introducing themselves by first and last name on first meeting. “My name is Lily Evans. I’m a muggle born and I am going to Hogwarts this year.” Lily said. Draco: ...your mom would make a master spy. Why doesnt she just tell Molly her credit card numbers while shes at it? “Well, the house you might want to be in is Gryffindor. It’s a really good house and it gives out quality Witches and Wizards!” Molly said. “Hufflepuff is a little on the stupid side and Ravenclaw…well, they’re showoffs.” Draco: A Gryffindor is mocking other houses? Your telling me Neville is bright? And I dont think it was Ravenclaw who went chasing down a troll! “What about Slytherins?” Lily asked. Draco: Oh here we fucking go... “Well, they’re- I suppose they could be good. Although that’s the house where dark wizards come from. Harry: .... Hermione: This is so completely PRE Voldemort.... Also that Lucius Malfoy has strewn up trouble from the start. He’s a nit; you don’t want to know him Draco: Oh no! A NIT! Save us! . Oh and his friends Crabbe and Goyle are the dumbest jerks! They beat up my friend Julia just because they felt like it!” Harry: Well, Im not condoning it, but what other persuasion would you have to beat someone up? Not wanting to. Draco: Well, theres money... Harry: Thats your answer to everything. Draco: Yes. *Smiles* Yes it is. Molly said. “Oh, and if Malfoy is nice to you, don’t trust him. He’s just trying to get somebody on his side.” She rolled her brown eyes. Harry: I thought she wasnt supposed to *meet* Malfoy... Hermione: And I really dont think Draco’s dad is in need of a first year girl to join his gang. Even if she is psychic. “We’re already friends. He’s getting my supplies. So thanks for your advice, but I’m going now, I’m done!” Draco: ......isnt there supposed to be fitting involved? Harry: Odd, how the girl was already back there but Hermione finished first She hopped off the stool and took the robes that Madam Malkin handed her. She saw Lucius standing outside the door. She ran out to him. He seemed surprised. Draco: Yeah. He expected her to come out walking backwards and on her bloody hands and knees... “All we need is your wand.” He said in a professional manner. “Why were you so eager to get out of there?” Harry: ...all they have right now is her robes and some cash “I met this girl…” Lily told Lucius what she had said. “And now I’m having doubts about you and your friends.” Hermione: Jesus. This girl should be called Inferno, with all these bridges shes burning She noticed James and Sirius standing off to the side. Who invited those two jerks? Draco: I have no idea why, but Im getting a horrible image that this is going to lead to a gang rape attempt Hermione: What in gods name gives you that idea? Draco: ......just a feeling... Hermione: *Inches away from him* “Well, now that you said that…” He looked left and right, saw that everybody was busy doing other things, and lifted up his sleeve. There was an ugly tattoo in the shape of a skull with a snake prodding out of it. Hermione: There arent any death eaters yet! Harry: ...and they dont recruit children Draco: And showing a girl who doubts your goodness your mark of evil isnt the wisest move. “I’m a death eater and my leader Lord Voldemort wants you to join him.” Harry: ...just... just... ugh. “Who?” She asked. “The greatest dark wizard in the whole world. He’s gaining spies in Hogwarts so that he can attack. So far only my friends are Death Eaters.” He explained. Draco: Apparently secrecy wasnt too highly valued in the past... Hermione: Why should it be? Theyre talking about something that doesnt even exist yet. “So, you’re an evil wizard?” She asked. Molly was right. Draco: Hes going to say yes, and Im going to vomit. We arent evil, there *is* no good and evil. Hermione: ....we? Draco: *Clutches arm convusively* Nevermind. “Well, if you look at it in the right way…we’re only junior death eaters though. We’re not allowed to learn all of the cool curses!” Lucius Malfoy said. “So, you wanna join?” Harry: *Sighs* ‘Junior Death Eaters’... right. Its a fucking club. Wee. “NO!” Lily screamed. “I THOUGHT YOU WERE A NICE PERSON! I GUESS I WAS WRONG!” Draco:<Lucius> Sorry for inviting you to our organization thats going to rule the world. I apologize. Jeese. Lily suddenly heard some whooping and shouts of ‘Go Lily!’ Draco: Cheerleading seems very appropriate for your father, Potter “Well here you go then, Evans.” Lucius said and threw all the stuff that he had bought her on the ground at her feet and stalked off. Hermione: He actually bought her stuff? Woah. Draco: Why he gave it to her then, I dont know “Way to go Evans!” Potter said coming up to her. “Yeah Evans!” Black said Draco: All they need is short blue skirts and those yellow puffy sweaters... Harry: Shut up. “Shut up. I guess I need my wand then!” She strode off with the two of them coming off after her. Draco: *God* your mom is a bitch Harry: Hey! No she-... well, yeah, here she was. Ok. She entered a shop called ‘Ollivander’s wands’. She strode up to the counter and waited. Harry: Knows exactly where to find it. Oh yeah. Psychic. “Ah, new customer! Hello Lily Evans, I was expecting you. And you two, James Potter and Sirius Black, still have your wands? I don’t need to repeat them do I?” Mr. Ollivander said. Ron: *Raises eyebrow* Repeat them? “No sir.” They said quietly. “Okay, let’s see, I’m sure James and Sirius have told you all about me, so we’ll forget the speech. Harry: Apparently Ollivanders psychic powers are somewhat limited. All I want to tell you is that I am known for getting wands right on the first try. Hermione: Except with Harry, where he sucked at it. Hard. Try this, Willow and unicorn’s tail, ten and a quarter inches long, good for charm work.” He handed her a wand. Draco: He forgot to mention the flexibility. Harry: *Porn Music* Draco: Hey! Give me that back! She stared at is for a second and then grabbed it from him. White sparkles shot out of it. Mr. Ollivander smiled. Hermione: <Ollivander> Wait! Wait! My robe! Its on fire! Oh dear god it burns! “The wand is 13 sickle.” Lily paid. Then she turned and walked off with Potter and Black following her. Draco: Thank you *christ* that’s over... Harry: Big time. Final thoughts? Ron: *Puts fingers in a gun shape and pantomimes blowing his brains out* Draco: Is that a plea? Because I could help you... *reaches into robes* Harry: Draco, do you really have a gun in there? Draco: *Looks around shiftily* Perhaps... Hermione: This is the worst fic we have *ever* MSTed. Not so much in plot, or grammar, or even content... but in the overall stupidity. Harry: That works for me. Lets get the hell out of here.