Draco: See, when you get a mental block when it comes to a title of something, it means you did not put
near enough effort, thought, or emotion into writing this. Its not a quick burst of writers block, its god
literally skull fucking your ingenuity as a way to spare his children from all things involving you.
Chapter 1 "But, but, I don't want to be on this stupid diet anymore!" Dudley squealed at the dining room
table during breakfast.
Hermione: You know, not meaning to blaspheme or anything, but Rowling really over did the whole evil
relatives thing. Dudley acts like he hit the linoleum floor instead of the doctors hand after he took his trip
from your aunt, even in *decent* writing.
Today in the Dursley household, rice patties and a slab of wheat bread was for breakfast.
Harry: Except for the fact that no human would actually eat those two items together, yet alone for
breakfast, escapes this author.
Draco: As does billowing clouds of hot gas each and every time she opens her mouth
"But, Dudders, I don't want to receive another letter from the nurse at Smeltings," his horse-faced mother,
Petunia said as she placed a few more rice patties on Dudley's plate.
Ron: Shes actually doing this because she thinks its easier than tossing out a piece of paper every few
months?
Harry: Uncle Vernon took out at least 200 letters in the span of a week just to keep me out of Hogwarts!
"There's nothing wrong with the tyke, he's just becoming a full grown man." Vernon, Dudley's father, said
as he read through the morning's paper.
Draco: You can actually *smell it* when they go through old books and take complete qoutes, and just
change a word or to. And folks, it is not a happy smell. It rivals three year old dead badger when it comes to
disturbing.
"I know but I am sick and tired of receiving those bloody letters from his school." Petunia said as she started
slicing up one of her patties into pieces.
Hermione: Note the token English speaking of ‘bloody’.
Draco: Its sad, really. We have hundreds of token words and catch phrases, same as everyone else, and all
they ever come out with is ‘mum and bloody’.
Harry: Just like Austrailian speech is always limited to ‘mate, dingo, and put another shrimp on the bobby’.
The Dursleys' kept talking on about how wonderful of a son they had while their nephew, Harry Potter sat
at the end of the table, trying to eat the hardened patties his aunt gave him.
Harry: OK, I know the Dursleys are bad, but they dont actually go on and on about him without
provocation. Social services would come and ask him to show them where on the doll they touched him if
they did.
While trying to digest the horrible stuff, Harry was thinking about the presents he received last night by owl
from his friends from school.
Ron: Actually, I think hes trying to eat it. Digesting comes after he swallows.
Harry wasn't normal and boring like his relatives that he lived with.
Draco: Considering this is (hopefully) the only chapter theyre going to do of this piece of crap story, they
can stop giving us the background info to take up space.
Harry: Good point... Im pretty sure everyone knows more about me than any self respecting person should
who reads my fan fiction, and your just insulting them by recanting canon.
He was actually a wizard and for five years now he has been attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and
Wizardry.
Draco: Dialogue of this utter interest can also be summed up by going-
REENAREENAREENAREENAREENAREENAREENA for about thirty minutes.
He hadn't been able to open his presents yet because his owl, Hedwig and his best friend's owl, Errol had
arrived last night when he was asleep because he always leaves his window open even though nowadays he
knows that he shouldn't.
Harry: *Blinks* Apparently they dont realize that I live on the second story, and its very unlikely a burglar is
going to chose an opening fifteen feet up as his easiest mean of entry into my house.
Hermione: Besides, the way thats written their saying they wouldnt have arrived at the time they did based
on the current status of your window
Today was his sixteenth birthday and, as always, the Dursleys' didn't even acknowledge him coming down
for breakfast (except 'Do something with your hair, boy' he received from Uncle Vernon as usual).
Draco: *Sniffs* Make that four year old dead badger...
Harry was just about ready to get up from the table when Uncle Vernon told him to get the mail.
Harry: And youd think from the whole ‘becoming a wizarding student and turning everything in my entire
life around’ would teach him to stop making me fetch the post.
When he picked the mail up off the floor, he found two letters addressed to him.
MSTers note: I currently have a DVD in, where theyre showing a clip thats supposed to be comedic
featuring a 300 pound black man pretending to receive oral sex from a bitch he finds out is a transvestite. Id
rather *be* that black man at this point than myself, seeing as Im not even halfway through this fic. The
things I do for your people, you should be sending me mail order blow jobs. And not from transvestites.
One was from Hogwarts, which was probably his school supply list.
Harry: Yeah, probably. Even though my upstairs window is open and in the past theyve always sent it
previous to my birthday.
The second was from his best friend, Ron Weasley.
Draco: *Porn Music*
Harry: Dont you think thats reaching?
Draco: Oh come on. Your entire ‘bitching about Triwizard cup and then reunion’ couldnt have been more
homo erotic if there were two naked male figure skaters massaging each other in the background.
Wondering why Ron was sending a letter by Muggle mail,
Ron: Who said I did? The Hogwarts letter was there too
he hid his letters in his pocket and gave the rest of the mail to Uncle Vernon.
Harry: Oooo... what an evil little sneak I am.
Harry quietly slipped out of the room and went upstairs to his room
Harry: Dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun dun, dun dunna DUNNA... dunna
dun.
After he made sure his door was locked, he worked up the loose floorboard under his bed.
Hermione: Hmph. Im *in* the books and even I can see the complete unrealism that youd A- have a loose
florboard, B- find it under your bed, C- have it reveal a space for you to keep stuff in
He pulled out a pillow case which contained his presents from last night.
Harry: Wait. So I touched these, and moved them, but I didnt open them? Slick.
Harry sat all of the presents on his bed and picked up the smallest one.
Draco: Because we all know thats how people open their presents... yeah fuckin right
It was from Hagrid, Hogwarts' gamekeeper and Harry's friend.
Draco: No, hes your enemy, and he sent you a package. MAIL BOMB!!!
Harry opened the letter from Hagrid first:
Harry,
How have you been, livin with those darn Muggles?
Draco: Yep. He writes *exactly* like he talks
Hermione: Even though the missing ‘g’s on the way he talks arent intentional...
They haven't been givin ya a hard time, have they?
Hermione: If they have, does Hagrid really think this letter would reach Harry?
Well I just wanted to wish ya a happy birthday.
Harry: That could have been so much better said if hed just opened the letter with the words ‘Happy
Birthday!’.
I got a letter from Ron sayin that he and his family wanted ya to stay at his house for a wee bit in the
summer.
Hermione: And this is Hagrids business why?
Harry: Even if it was his business, why did he get the letter first?
I hope that things are goin well with ya. I'll see ya at Hogwarts in a few weeks then.
Hagrid
Hermione: There ends a letter that could have been better written by a six year old
So that's why Ron sent me a letter by Muggle mail, Harry thought as he opened up the present Hagrid sent
him.
Ron: Uh... why would me wanting you to stay at my house make me write you by real mail?
Inside was a big brown leather book that was obviously the new Care of Magical Creatures school book
because of the ugly design of some sort of creature with too many heads on the front cover.
Ron: Too many? Thats kind of arrogant assuming one is the right number
Harry: And we dont get *new* Care of Magical Creatures books. We just go to different chapters
Harry was glad to see that this one wasn't biting him like the last one Hagrid sent to him before the start of
his third year.
Harry: Wouldnt I *feel* if it was biting me?
Next, he grabbed a package wrapped in fancy gift wrapped which meant it was from his other best friend,
Hermione Granger.
Hermione: Beware- the word ‘best’ was just spit on and destroyed in meaning
As he unwrapped the present, he noticed it was the biggest one of all his presents.
Draco: Smallest to biggest, and skipping ‘Miones letter. I dont like the listen to the twat ramble on either,
but thats sort of rude
The present turned out to be a new bird cage.
Harry: Because god knows I would mention to Hermione mine was broken, and wouldnt buy a new one if
needed as soon as possible
Uncle Vernon busted the last one after he had an argument with Harry a week ago.
Draco: Right. I dont like you, but your bird is beast, and would rip up Vernons eyes three times if he tried to
bust him up
They were arguing over Hedwig's screeches in the middle of the night and Uncle Vernon threw a book at
the cage and it fell off the dresser and broke.
Hermione: Quality made...
Harry: This is *steel*, not cheese, and it fell from a dresser, not a skyscraper.
Harry felt glad that Hermione didn't send him a book on goblin rebellions or something.
Hermione: Oh thats good. Please, tell us every other pointless thought that winds through his mind
There was a note with the present:
Dear Harry, Happy Birthday!!
Harry: See, was that so hard? Hagrid could take ques from her
I hope that you are having a good holiday. I visited France again this summer with my family and it just
seems to change and become more exciting every time I come here.
Hermione: You know you have too much money when you go the exact same place on a foreign trip two
years in a row
Well, Ron wrote to me saying he is inviting you to The Burrow.
Harry: Why am I the last to know *everything*!?
I hope you enjoy your present, I thought that Hedwig deserved a place to live and I prayed that someone
else didn't get you one.
Hermione: Prayed? I dont think god occupies his time with bird cages
Well if you can stay at Ron's, do you want to go to Diagon Alley a week before term starts to get school
supplies? Write me back and I hope you can , if not I'll see you on September 11.
Harry: .........that date reference was just *wrong*
Love Hermione
Ah, Hermione. She is one in a million.
Draco: Yeah, cause theres no way that letter was a shamless shadow form that could be spewed out by a ten
year old computer
Harry took the birdcage over to his dresser and looked out the window. Hedwig disappeared early this
morning which is unusual because she usually only goes flying at night.
Hermione: Hence the term nocturnal, right? Brilliant!
Harry walked over to his bed and grabbed the last package. It was from Ron and it also had a letter:
Harry: Why are they making a point to mention they sent some words along with their gift?
Harry Well
Draco: Your last name is well? I thought it was Potter
Harry: Har Har
, happy birthday! Having a good holiday? Things are doing good here at the Burrow. Percy's still a brown
noser and Fred and George are getting their joke shop on it's feet right now.
Harry: I think they were planning to graduate first...
Ron: And jesus, Percies twenty, should he haved moved out of the house by npw?
Mum and Dad are good. Dad got a promotion and a raise at his office.
Ron: Way to destroy one of my families novelties.
Mum sent a letter to your house asking if you can stay with us for the rest of the summer.
Harry: I thought Ron did?
Draco: Yeah, so did Hagrid and Hermione, for whatever fucked up reason they new about it
I told her that she only had to put one Muggle stamp on the letter.
Hermione: Well then its not going nowhere. Letters do require two or three.
Well I hope to hear from you soon and if they don't let you, we'll sneak you out like before.
Harry: Sneak? We ripped the bars off my window and I dove out while my Uncle pawed at my ankles!
Write back with reply from the lousy Muggles. Bye Ron
Harry had to laugh at the letter,
Draco: I laughed at it too, but I think were chuckling for different reasons
Ron never did like the Dursleys' much. But who did? Ron's present turned out to be a big tin full of fudge,
probably baked by Mrs. Weasley.
Ron: Bigger than a school book? My mom doesnt make that much food on a whim.
Harry opened the Muggle-mail-sent letter and it basically asked if Harry was allowed to stay with the
Weasleys' for the rest of the summer.
Draco: Basically? As in, it *almost* said that?
Harry knew he would be allowed to because the Dursleys' wouldn't just sniff at a chance to get Harry out of
the house sooner.
Draco: Sniff? What the fuck?
Hermione: Oh calm down. Were done here.
Harry: Almost. Final thoughts?
Ron: Hm...
Draco: Well, it sucked, but not as bad as most of them do
Harry: Agreed. It was just amazingly average in all areas as opposed to really sub par in one
Hermione: Were sounding too nice...
Draco: Hm. FUCK THIS AUTHOR! WITH A CORN COB!
Harry: Ew...
Draco: Mean enough for you, chompers?
Hermione: God yes