another smart asses take on a *really* bad piece of fan fiction
(AN: I hope you like the first chapter. It starts out boring but we get a
dilemma and a surprise in the end!
Harry: That sad thing is shes try to use that as a *sell* point. Heres a hint- good books use the first chapters
for introductions not to cram as much plot into a small space as humanly freakin possible.
Enjoy the next chapter should be up soon.
Draco: *Blinks* Is she telling us to enjoy the next chapter, enjoy this, or that the next chapter will be up
soon? Or did her helmet just slide and muffled her mouth?
Please review I'll really like it!!
Draco: Well *Id* really like it if you shoved this fic up your ass. So we can compromise.
I am not going to describe the character
that we know like MWPP because you and Alaina already know what they look
like. It goes the same to places familiar,)
Ron: Translation- Im not talented enough at descriptions
Harry: Yeah... I know its irritating, but all fics need some description, or its like reading the ingredients on
the back of a McDonalds salt pack
The Queen Of Seers
Hermione: ...and we have confirmation that this story is not going to be about Harry Potter in the slightest
except for a few stolen spells and magical abilities
Draco: I dont know, they seem to be pulling off your annoying girl role pretty well, and this bitch hasnt even
talked yet
Chapter one: The Unsurprising Surprise
Harry: A tablet of paper to write on... 2 dollars
Draco: A gel pen. A dollar and a half
Ron: A months worth of internet access to post story with- 12.99
Hermione: Sacrificing any semblence of coherence to try and make some sort of clever pun? Priceless.
Dear Journal, I, Alaina Rose Cooper sat admiring my good looks.
Draco: Oh god... their even fucking the *journal* parts of this up
Hermione: ...true. The journal knows who she is, and no dumb fuck is going to write in their journal that
style. “I was sitting” maybe...
To a stranger
this may seem like I was conceited but I really wasn't.
Harry: And she thinks that someone is going to steal, pry open, and read her journal... why?
Draco: Because she is Mary Sue, and the world trembles before the might of her power, courage, and
*massive* testicles.
Hermione: ...testicles?
Draco: Yep. Massive ones.
I wasn't because I
spent 10 years of my life as a fat, ugly, bushy, poof haired, dull eyed,
freak. (AN: okay she is exaggerating a little)
Hermione: Right. Trying to save your own pride by interrupting the story due to something your Mary Sue
wrote- about as low as is possible to stoop.
Now I was 10 years, 11 months, 364 day, and 22 hours old.
Hermione: That was *way* too subtle a way to tell us shes about to be elven... they should have the minute
and second in there to let us know shes changing *really* soon
Draco: She seems to be forgetting there would be two leap years in her life, which means shes actually two
days away. Bwahahaah!
I now had dark
brown hair, its straight when I want it to be but sometimes I let it loosely
curl, bright green eyes, a lovely figure, and straight white teeth.
Harry: Your TEN. You have *no* figure. Your essentially a twig.
Draco: It creeps me out how these people write stories about themselves that only pedophiles would like
Now just
in case you were wondering Journal I'll write a list of the ways I got pretty
Hermione: Yes, Im sure the journal is wondering
Draco: And im sure you never mentioned these as they were happened
Harry: This journal has got to be the worst plot device of all time.
Fat- two months mono caught from my semi-evil sister
Ron: She caught *mono* from her sister?
Draco: *Porn Music*
Harry: .......Id tell you to shut up, but you have a point. Two sisters sharing the KISSING disease? Put a
camera in the room and hit record!
Hermione: Youre all disgusting.
(semi- cause she can be
nice)
Draco: Evil doesnt signify ‘mean’, bitch. Evil people can act nice easily.
Bushy hair-lets just say some salon 'magic;'
Hermione: Shes not a *slightly* trained wizard yet though, so its just another Mary Sue Trait.
Dull eyes- hello contacts
Ron: Oh, I get it, shes actually ugly, but piles a lot of fake stuff on the crap. Makes perfect sense to me
Duh! (AN: well not Duh, if u aren't muggle)
Hermione: So she *is* a Muggle, making her ability to do magic even more Mary Suish.
Teeth- braces and Crest Whitening
Harry: Product placement...
Draco: They should sue her for even assosiating their name with this crap.
Hermione: And braces dont make you look better until their off. Youve had two months, so they wouldnt
be.
Color of hair- dark brown dye
Ron: SEE the fakeness? Do you??
Draco: Besides, Brown hair sucks.
Hermione and Harry: .....
Ron: *Snickers*
Draco: Oh shut it Weasley, so does red.
Ron: ......
Well buh byes Journal see you soon! ~*~Alaina~*~
Ron: I bet her journal has been trying to kill itself ever since the first entry she made
Now back to the story:
Draco: We never *started* the story, dumb fuck
glanced at the clock and realized I had two minutes 'til I turned eleven...
Ron: Anyone else think its odd we have a ten year old awake at midnight, with no one questioning her about
it?
30 seconds... 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Then I heard a "tap... tap... tapity tap"
Hermione: Oh jesus. Welcome to plot holes.
Ron: Huh?
Hermione: Wait and see.
I knew at once that an owl was making that noise... a Hogwarts Owl.
Ron: Oh... *groans*
Harry: Ok, owls do NOT come the second you turn eleven. It was COINCIDENCE that Hagrid showed up
when it turned midnight. If you remember, theyd tried to get me the letters for a week before that
Hermione: .....not to mention shes psychic.
Draco: *Really* psychic. Cause how does she know shes going to Howards?
I being
from muggle parentage should be suprised but I wasn't.
Draco: Because she is MARY SUE. With huge testicles and a fourteen inch penis!!!
Hermione: ....fourteen inch penis?
Draco: Fourteen inch *black* penis.
I knew all about
Hogwarts.
Draco: Thats three inches around!
I also knew I was a witch.
Draco: And can shoot cum TWENTY FEET in the a-
Hermione: Enough with the penis talk!!
Draco: Mwah.
I knew all about Hogwarts because well, the same
reasons you (a muggle) do.
Harry: I like how she naturally assumes were muggles
Hermione: I like how she naturally assumes we know what the fuck shes talkin about
I read the Harry Potter Books!
Hermione: ...oh jesus.
(A/N: an odd turn of
event a..?)
Draco: No, a *stupid* turn of events. Like, really retarded. Drooling, helmet, humping the nearest credenza
of retarded
But you see the odd thing is that I am going to school with
Sirius, Lily, James, Remus, and Peter.
Hermione: Does anyone even care enough to mention how thats not possible?
Draco: Nah...
So the books weren't written yet.
Harry: Well no tweedly dee, diddly doo, trimmity tram fucking DUH, bitch.
(AN: the copy write is like 1997 or something)
Hermione: Trust me. The common human knows more about Harry Potter than you.
Draco: ...the common human probably knows more about *everything* than her
Of course I wouldn't expect to
be a witch if a) I hadn't seen it in a dream, you see I a Seer.
Draco: *Groan* Oh the throbbings back... *grabs head*
Or b) I made
magical things happen all the time.
Harry: So does this story. Its made my appetite, my energy, and my hope for mindkind all magically
dissapear
If your wondering how I got the HP books
being a witch and the fact that they weren't supposed to be written yet.
Draco: How could a witch *not* get the books?
I'm a Seer as I said before.
Hermione: Y’know what would be nice? Explain exactly what the fuck a Seer is. It sure as hell isnt Canon
But I'm not just `a' Seer I'm `The' Seer.
Draco: Ohhh... I get it. So shes not *a* megolomanical self centered egotistical prima dona bitch, shes *the*
megolomanical self centered egostistical prima dona bitch.
A.K.A
the Queen of Sears.
Harry: Queen of Sears? Shes the soverign ruler of a store whos PR statement is ‘youll love our slacks’?
The books were gifts from a special friend of mine,
Atlanta or the Dreamspeaker
Hermione: Even though she said she had them because she was a Seer....
(AN: that's from the great books Unicorns of
Balinor!! I love them)
Harry: And they hate you. Much like the rest of us do.
Draco: Eh... Im less hatred, more disgusted loathing
Ron: How can it be Atlanta OR the Dreamspeaker? Does she not know which of her ‘special friends’ gave
this too her?
Hermione: I think ‘special’ is being used in the place of ‘imaginary’
They are books of what `could' happen in the future if I don't warn and help
Lily, James, Peter
Draco: *Warn* Peter? Psst. Psst Peter. Yeah, you. Dude, your gonna betray your friends. Watch out for
that.
(AN: I'm getting really tired of writing AN: so when u see
(and it makes a comment its from me. Hate Peter!!),
Harry: WRITERS HINT- if you *ever* have the sentiment that youve written AN too much, burn the story,
and shoot yourself in the leg to teach your over-Author-noting ass a lesson
and Sirius the bad things would happen. So I wasn't suprised at all.
Draco: Of course not. What with her huge testicles, fourteen inch black three inch around cum spewing
cock, and her size 55DD tits that shoot both Ambrosia and lazer beams
I also
had a job to make them believe me and change the future.
Harry: What fucking job? Hey, dont make Peter your secret Keeper. The fact I knew you were gonna, well,
thats all the convincing you need, isnt it?
Draco: Speaking of that, why didnt they just make Dumbledore their secret keeper?
Hermione: ......because then there wouldnt be much of a story, now would their?
Phewwww, I have my
work cut out for me! I finished reading the usual expectance letter and the
list of supplies and turned to another letter in the envelope.
Draco: It was sealed in a special envelope made of puffy clouds thats only allowed to be touched by
someone as great as powerful as a Mary Sue, and it was in fact a letter of worship from Jesus Christ himself.
Hermione: And they mispelled acceptance...
I knew it was from Professor Dumbledor.
Harry: I guess thats more ‘Seering’
Dear Alaina Cooper, I know you are
not suprised by this letter or the knowledge of the magical world.
Hermione: ...apparently Dumbledore is also a Seer
You also
know your job as The Seer.
Harry: Its a job? Sounds a lot like a species to me. Can she quit? Does she get vacational benefits?
Draco: Partial dental after thirty days, but great eye care insurance...
I also want to warn you that Lord Voldemort is
going to try to get you on his side.
Harry: Why? Well, because newly turned eleven year olds are quite the fierce ones in battle.
Hermione: Why do people always assume Voldemort was at large when Harrys parents went to school!? He
WASNT. Hes the same age as Hagrid!
You and only you know and can change his downfall.
Harry: ...ignoring the HUGE, repulsive, sickening Mary Sue Moment... why would he want to *change* his
downfall?
Draco: <Dumbeldore> Yeah... actually, wed prefer he just stays big and evil
Keep this in mind and have
a great summer.
Hermione: Relax. No pressure. No tension. Caaalm. Caaaaalm. Relax... relaAAAAAHHHHH! Hehe. Your
so jump. Relax.
Sincerely, Professor Dumbledor Headmaster
Harry: Professor Headmaster? Sounds like a hard job
Hermione: Wait... was Dumbledore even Headmaster back then?
" Well" I sighed
out loud " I better explain to mom and dad"
Draco: Its fucking *midnight*...
Harry: So shes known all this time, and just didnt tell them? Riiiighto.
So I walked out sadly knowing it wouldn't be easy to get them to believe me.
Draco: Thats probably cause the real her is locked in an insane asylum somewhere back in Sunnydale.
I saw my mom out on the patio and walk to her silently. "
Harry: Among Mary Sues list of attributes is night vision
Mom, you know those
books I was telling you about, the wizard ones?" I said cautiously.
Hermione: ‘Harry Potter’ books arent really a hard title to remember
" Not them again hunni, you are not a witch!" this was an on going argument
in the Cooper household "
Draco: Oh, yeah, they *havent* sent her to a psychiatrist yet
I have proof!" I yelled, frustratedly throwing the
letter on her lap. She opened it cautiously.
Hermione: Letters are NOT PROOF. Their writing. *Writes on hand* Draco is straight. See? Its in writing,
but its still a lie.
Draco: Hey!!
And read it a look of bewilderment coming over her face. "
Harry: <Mom> Why does my daughter think a letter is proof?
This looks really
real, and you couldn't forge a thing like this, I guess I believe you, but
that doesn't mean you can go."
Draco: Oh, that made sense...
Hermione: Forge a letter? It isnt really hard! You put ink on paper!
She answered. ''What! I have to I told you I'm the Queen of Seers!"
Hermione: When? Earlier? So she believed that her daughter was the Queen of Seers but not that she had a
SECOND set of magical powers?
I was
getting mad "Now hunni I can't live without you to take care of things."
Harry: You kids at home cant tell, but this talking, from both people, is all crammed into one paragraph. Its
very distracting
" I
have to go! Other people can take care of Deanna!"
Draco: Who the *fuck* is Deanna, and why can a ten year old take care of her?
I was pleading now "I'll write a letter and have Hagrid pick me up!" I
stormed to my room and did just that.
Harry: Hagrid not only wouldnt care about her, but he wouldnt be old enough yet
Within an hour I had my response. Dear Alaina, I am saddened by your mother's
threat but not troubled.
Draco: An hour? These owls arent *that* fast...
Harry: Mary Sue Moment- she deserves INSTANT response from Albus Dumbledore
I will send someone to get you but not Hagrid.
Draco: <Dumbledore> Cause, you know, hes twelve.
It
will be a surprise. Don't worry, everything will be all right.
Harry: Actually, Parental Consent is not only helpful in letting her go, its part of the LAW.
They will be there tomorrow morning. Good luck, Albus Dumbledor
Hermione: Thats right, the Headmaster is wishing himself good luck
She stared at
the signature wondering why he signed it Albus instead of Professor.
Draco: Because he is INFERIOR to you, and your huge testicles, and your 14 inch cock, and your 44DD
tits, and your heavily muscled vagina with TEETH in it.
Then
fell asleep wondering who would be the surprise.
Hermione: Wait a second... Dumbledore wrote her back a letter in the middle of the night? Jesus...
You see I am not `all knowing' I only know stuff that is important.
Draco: So she doesnt know what Socks cost at K-Mart. Thats about all
I also
can't see what will happen to me, only other people. That's the price of
being a queen.
Hermione: Thats not a price, thats a limitation. A price is an amputation, syphhilis, or having to read piece of
crap fics like yours.
Harry: Ditto. Final thoughts, Ron, Draco?
Ron: I think this Mary Sue would beat Satan in a steel cage, as powerful as shes acting
Draco: HELL in the CELL...
Harry: Har har. Were outta here.