Tiger: Hopefully an apology, several pages long
Hermione: ...there goes my question about whether this would be enjoyable or not
Tiger: Its someones pathetic attempt at humor. Enjoy. *Dissapears in a
flash-bang-boom-and-such*
Hermione: Oh lord...
“I have no idea what I thought when I wrote this
Draco: Me either.
Harry: You read this already?
Draco: Yeah. Were in for a hell of a ride...
but this story is supposed to be a story
Ron: Wow. I thought it was a story that was suppossed to be a ‘fish’.
which explains Harry Potter with more detail and nasty comedy.”
Hermione: Why exactly are the qoute marks there? Or ending there?
“I hope
Hermione: Or STARTING there!?
I don’t offend anyone because most people that have read this thought it was particularly
funny.”
Draco: No they didnt. Unless she attends a school with a uniform including helmets.
Harry: You like helmet jokes, dont you?
Draco: Bwahaha...
“And don’t think I’m nasty because part of this story was written by another person.”
Hermione: Huh? Didnt we just hear that she wrote it?
Harry: I think so...
Draco: Its a cheap attempt at lifting blame from herself when it bombs.
“So I guess ENJOYYYYY!”
Ron: <Dryly> Yes. Im sure we will.
Characters for this Chapter
Draco: Usually anything truly well written doesnt need a cast listed in advance.
Harry Potter as Hairy Pothead
Harry: Oh christ...
Draco: Yep. They wrote this entire thing at 4:20 PM on the 20th of April. And, uh, they
were four twenty year olds?
Harry: We get it, Draco. They were stoned.
Professor McGonagall as Professor Cocainenagall or Prof. C
Hermione: Since when did ‘Mc’ sound like ‘Cocaine’?
Hagrid as Madgrid
Harry: What the hell is Madgrid?
Hermione/Ron/Draco: *Shrugs*
Professor Dumbledore as Professor Dumblehoare or Prof. D
Hermione: Incidentally, cheap ass usages of abbreviation to save you time- BAD!
Mr. Dursley as Mr. Dopeley
Draco: How... uh, clever?
Mrs. Dursley as Mrs. Dopeley
Draco: Wow. That got real annoying real fast.
(Note: More Characters will be added for the next few chapters)
Harry: That would be the usual trend for everyones books but Tiger, who simply kills all
the extras off periodically. Still, thats not a good way to write...
Chapter One
“When’s Madgrid gonna be here,” cried Professor Cocainenagall. “Its getting late and I
need some coc.”
Hermione: Its ‘coke’.
Draco: Wow. Not even a druggy, just a wannabe druggy.
A flying motorcycle appears
Hermione: If the motorcycle is just going to pop into existence, why should it need to fly?
and a big bulging man steps down.
Draco: <Madgrid> Aaaaaagh! *Thud* Maybe I shoulda landed first...
“Oh, Professor Dumblehoare, Professor Dumblehoare.”
Hermione: Hag... er, ‘Madgrid’ has a speech impediment?
“Where are you Professor Dumblehoare?” asked a booming voice.
Draco: People stop yelling into the night to find people when they turn, well, six.
Hermione: I dont think this author has reached that point yet.
“He’s not here Madgrid, now where’s my coc?”
Harry: Why did they say a ‘booming voice’ when Hagrid had already made his
appearence?
“Professor’s not here, but I wore this yellow dress just for him.”
Hermione: ... is anyone amused?
Draco: ...
Hermione: Is anyone shocked?
Harry: ...
Hermione: Thought so.
“Where’s my coc?”
Hermione: I hate having to treat these things like real fics... why would Hagrid be
bringing coke to her in the middle of the night?
Draco: She sounds a slut, wanting ‘coc’ all the time.
“Wait, there’s this baby boy I found.” “God damn it, just put him in front of that door and
give me the damn cocaine.” “But what will we leave with this boy, we can’t just leave
him.” “I’ll leave the boy something from keeping me from my coc.” Suddenly a lightning
shaped scar appears on the boy’s head and a note also appears reading:
Draco: Heyhey! We can save some time by simply jumping from section to section and
mocking it there! The whole thing is equally stupid!
Hermione: ...no, the scar part was much dumber than the rest.
Harry: Simply having a scar isnt really a punishment. Usually its getting the scar that
sucks...
“We leave this boy in your possession because we’re too poor to
raise him.
Harry: And, you know, cause hes your nephew.
We’re poor because we’re smoking too much dough.
Hermione: They smoke bread?
Ron: Or money?
Draco: Or they’re simply too stupid to spell dope right. And I thought Mc-G did coke?
The boy’s name is Hairy Pothead and don’t think it strange because
we were high when we named him.
Hermione: They just found him. They never named him. And they arent high right now
anyway. AND someones last name isnt decided by the parents randomly.
Please take care of him, psyche.
Hermione: Psyche? So they cant take care or him?
Treat him as bad as you can.”
Hermione: ...*puts her face in her hands*
Draco: This could be hilarious and would still be bad.
Harry: Quite frankly, Im not even slightly amused.
“Now put the boy on the front porch and give me my coc.”
Ron: Are they even trying to make it funny?
“Don’t you think that’s kinda overdoing it?”
Hermione: Over doing what? Scaring the ‘Dopeleys’... *shudders*... off, or making them
treat him bad?
“Fuck you, just give me the damn boy.”
Harry: I thought they wanted me on the porch...
“Fine, Fine” As Prof.C was grabbing for Hairy Pothead, Madgrid dropped Hairy.
Draco: That explains so very, very much
Harry: Go shirk yourself...
“What the fuck, first you don’t give me my coc, then you drop the boy, damn you.”
Hermione: Suddenly she cares about poor ‘Hairy’?
As Prof.C bends down to pick up Hairy, Madgrid points his umbrella and casts a spell.
Draco: ...*sighs*...
Hermione: Im afraid to guess.
Then, out of Prof.C’s ass there appears a banana (supposed to be a dildo but Madgrid
made a mistake)
Draco: No, we thought he wanted a bannana in her ass
Hermione: Why would he want a dildo there?
and Madgrid starts fucking Prof.C anally.
Draco: Ow... through or next to the bananna?
Hermione: Ew...
Draco: Maybe he just buried it in her.
Hermione: EW!
Then as Prof.C picks up Hairy, Madgrid shoves the banana up Prof.C’s ass.
Harry: Its already... erm... in her ass.
Prof.C yells out, “ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
Ron: Apparently the bannanna has more prescense than Hagrid did.
After the banana is taken out, Prof.C and Madgrid are stunned when Hairy says his first
word, “dildo.”
Hermione: So ‘Prof C’ is OK with being anally raped...
Harry: How could I say ‘dildo’ if Id never heard that word before?
After a moments pause from this sight Prof.C yells, “What the fuck, why the hell were
you fucking me.”
Hermione: Theres this fantastic little things that go at the end of questions. Question...
Ron: Marks?
Hermione: Excellent jump in
Ron: Thank you
“We’ll settle this later, I need some coc fast!” So Madgrid zapped up a basket and put
Hairy and the note into it and left Hairy on the doorstep of the Dopeleys.
Draco: Can anyone truly think of a point to this?
Harry: To annoy others?
Hermione: For us to mock?
Ron: To increase the suicide rate?
Prof.C and Madgrid walked to Madgrid’s motorcycle and started to fly off.
Harry: You think shed have her own transportation considering she got there before
Hagrid...
Hairy finds some coc in his basket and shakes it toward Prof.C and Madgrid.
Draco: She can summon coke, but shes been bitching about it for this long?
As Prof.C looks back she realizes that she forgot something. So she jumps off the bike
and yells,
Ron: <Prof. C> Oh shit! Were in the air! *Splat!*
Draco: I wish...
“FUCKING BABY!” The she runs and grabs the coc and says, “Happy Halloween
Bitchy Dopeleys” and rings the doorbell.
Draco: ...*simply shakes head*...
Harry: Does anyone even respect this enough for closing comments?
Ron and Hermione: No.