The New Girl Draco: Translation- the new vacant, vapid, over praised, under mocked, completely glamourized despite being totally useless Mary Sue who we are going to tear down By: Mione G Draco: You know whats scary? Hermione: That someone this stupid is trying to pose themself off as me? Draco: No... that anyone is trying to pose themselves after you at all. I mean my god, its bad enough Hermione is taken, but Hermione G, and just plain Mione? Where are you whores taste? Hermione: .....har, har Summary: Melane Stuart moves to London, England. What adventures await her? Harry: With any luck, the business end of an Avada Kedavra curse Rating: PG-13 Hermione: For incoherent language, mis managed over played sexuality, and blatant Mary Suisms Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Harry Potter, and if I did, the 5th book would be out already!!!! Draco: And no one would have bought it. Anywhere. Ever. Harry: Even your mother .................................... August 1 Ron: Oh god... please tell me this isnt another journal fic Stupid book. Harry: No, dear, stupid fanfiction. Books are long. And have *some* standards before they are published Mom gave me you to write about my feelings about the 'change'. Ron: *Sighs* It is another journal fic Hermione: Wait, so stupid book was actually making fun of the journal? So what exactly does she call herself, seeing as shes just *kinda* writing in it She's been talking about this 'change' that's going to happen soon, but she won't tell me what it is. Draco: .....I know that is a POS foreshadowing of her gaining wizardy powers, but its disturbingly like puberty I often see her talking to dad about it, and when I try to listen, she yells at me! Hermione: Her parents are spending odd amounts of time discussing her ‘red week’ in the upcoming years Ron: And for some reason they want her to be surprised when she starts hemmoraging from the vagina It's a free country! I can listen to whatever I want to!!!! Harry: Could she possibly be singling herself any more as a bratty bitch who tries to be a popular girl in school but is out cast by the preppies? My dad doesn't look too happy about the change. Harry: Few males ever all, honey Hermione: *Mutters* Were less than ecstatic about the smasming cramps ourselves I've tried to get him to tell me what it is but he gets tight lipped and his face gets scrunched up and he won't say anything until I change the subject. Ron: So her father actually does a Bitter Beer Face impersonation instead of responding to her like an adult? Hermione: If this is how shes being raised than no wonder she acts like a spoiled bitch Parents are so confusing. Harry: Im confused why her mother mentioned it to her at all if shes not going to explain... Karey, my best friend suspects mom is going to have a baby. Hermione: Yeah, thatd be a change *you* go through all right, the whole cycle of life... happening in another person Oh joy. Another sibling. I have enough trouble with my little sister Sandy. Harry: *Rolls Eyes* I dont know what you were talking about Hermione, shes not a spoiled bratty bitch at all. I hope she heavy flows so hard she dehydrates and dies What if mom has twins, or triplets! What about quadruplets! Hermione: Then your petty pink laced me-me-me quasi bitch little rich girl world will be turned on its head. Allow me to shed a silent tear of grief and morning for you And why won't she tell me anything about it? Harry: Let me venture a guess... youd start throwing a tempr tantrum like a two year old in a Bon Ton? I know about the birds and the bees. Draco: That is both doubtful and completely inconsequential for the situation at hand, so lets move on, shall we? Is she embarrassed about it? Ron: Yeah, she magically hopes that you assume you were adopted or dropped off by a fucking storm Oh! I don't know. Draco: -how to read? Hermione: -how to express yourself maturely? Harry: -how to count to three? I am a fifteen year old living in a world full of secrets. Harry: Oh... so shes *not* a wizard Draco: Im sure theyll have her turn to one someone, seeing as this chick is just blatantly 6 or 7 in real life Why can't my family be honest? Draco: Why cant you let it the fuck go? What is so important to keep a secret about? Harry: Maybe they just want to torture you? Ron: Seriously... the way shes going so ape shit over this, thats a pretty good possiblity Maybe mom is going to ship me away to go live with Granny and Papa. Hermione: That would be advisable. Draco: Maybe theyll be stern child beaters and well get a story we can *really* enjoy Hermione: You are so twisted... Nooo!!!!! Ron: Lovey dovey nick names like Granny and Papa, but shes still a bitch to them... Draco: The writer forgot shes sketching this in a journal already , no one would ever write fucking ‘No!!!!!’ anywhere. Even without the extra ‘o’ What if I was adopted and now my real parents are coming to get me. Hermione: That would be a question, dear. A stupid question, but still... Draco: While I wouldnt be surprised if her real parents did want to get rid of her, I refuse to buy theyd actually wanna take this whiny, sniveling bitch back Actually if I was adopted that would explain a lot. Ron: No, it would explain nothing... Harry: And it would needlessly complicate much Oh well! Who cares about my mom's stupid 'change' thing anyways? Draco: Obviously you, considering youve been ranting nedlessly about it since we started this fic Harry: Yeah... her... and her mom.... and her dad... and her friend.... She should be more considerate of others though. Hermione: Says the desert, to the grain of sand She should know that I am a fifteen year old young woman and has had enough change! A girl who hates the 'change', MelaneS Draco: No, the change isnt important at all... MELANEISMEMELANEISMEMELANEISMEMELANEISMEMELANEISMEMELA Hermione: *Blinks* Unusually foreward about the Mary Suism, arent they? Ron: I dont think its a new form of up front honesty, I just think theyre too stupid to cover it up August 2 Harry: Let me guess... almost everything has changed in the span of one day. Draco: At least other people who use this piece of crap plot device are smart enough to add a week in between or something Well. I know what the change is now. Harry: Wow... Id feel smart, if I wasnt just prediciting stupidity We're moving. Moving! Draco: Oh what do you care? Its not like someone like you would have friends anyway... How could my parents do this to me? Harry: Theyre doing this just to torment you. No, really. Its not for happiness, for financial reasons, to be near relatives, this entire life changing affair is just to piss you off, Ms. Center of the Mother Fucking Universe Prima Donna I have spent a respectable fifteen years of my life making friends and getting a good social status in this very spot, and my parents just decide to move. Hermione: Its my general experience popular people are simply popular in their new area Ron: Its also been my general experience that when people as annoying as this act like they have a million friends, they are god damned lying. Just like that. Without consulting me. Ron: Because obviously her stance as the main financial gainer of the house hold would leave her in a good stance to make the position... No wonder mom was so happy. Draco: What the hell is so good about moving? This is just another way to make me completely miserable. Harry: ..... Draco: Oh Jesus Sweet Fuckin Christ Harry: When I said that, I was *kidding*. I never imagined the stupid whore would actually be conceited enough she warranted that much effort in anything Moving. Who made up that word anyway? A cow? Draco: Yes, a cow. Ron: Because we all know cows are the literacy scholars of our day The word even sounds stupid. Harry: Your name is Melane. So calling another word stupid is just a little bit ‘glass house throwing stones’ syndrom We're Mooooooving to England. Draco: Oh. Its a word play. .....hah. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. You are soooooo clever. Oh look, I did it too! HA! Now *Im* clever! Harry: Draco... Draco: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! CLEEEEEVER! Harry: .....we need to get you some air London, England. Hermione: *Hermione Psychic Prediction* Where she will be invited to Hogwarts, exposing the massive, obvious, and pathetically mis informed plot hole that there are actually *several* wizarding schools in the United States I can't even be in the same country as my friends, let alone continent! Ron: You know, that would have a lot more effect if you did the more extreme one first Draco: Also known as the “right way”... This confirms my and every other teenager's thoughts. Harry: Oh nonononono. No. No you didnt bitch. Do not compare your thoughts to mine *ever* unless your comparing a Lite Bright peg to the sun Parents were just sent to earth to make us miserable. Ron: Oh gawd, the maturity just radiates off this bitch I'm never speaking to my parents again! Hermione: *Psychic Prediction #2* Shell talk to her mom again Later that same day Draco: Thats right folks, shes insulting our intelligence to the point she thinks well believe someone woulda actually put that in our journal I just had to talk to mom though. Hermione: Were just batting perfect scores for our predictions of the stupidity, arent we? I thought that maybe she could hear me out and think about this whole thing more reasonably. Hermione: *Psychic Prediction* The descision will not change Draco: ‘More Reasonably’ is listenign to the whiny over reactive teenagers opinion on the move? Ive been using those words incorrectly for years... This was our conversation: Ron: .....were also supposed to believe she remembered perfectly and then wrote down their speech word for word Me: Mom, don't you think you're rushing things a bit? Ron: Given how she hasnt told you a fuckign word about the reason why your moving or the time they spent on making the descision, no, no I dont Moving to England let alone a foreign country is going to be hard. Draco: England apparently *isnt* a foreign country.... You could just start small. Harry: Because that would solve the teen-bitches problem and not help the parents at all. What a perfectly reasonable and even solution Move across the street until I'm eighteen. Hermione: Advice to all 6 year olds writing stories out there- dont pretend your 9 years older than you really are. No one will buy it. Then you'll be ready to really move to England. Draco: Because 20 feet is almost exactly the same as several thousand miles Mom: Silly girl, Ron: Despite the fact that people havent talked like that since, well, ever, Ill let it go because my overwhelmign hatred of the main character is blocking my hatred of the mom (Trixs are for kids~` Just joking.:-) Draco: HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAH! HAH! Harry: Draco... Draco: HA!!! HAHAHAHAH- wait. No. I bought the tickets months ago and we're all packed! Harry: Wait... so Melane saw packign and heard about a change, but somehow didnt manage to put two and two together? Ron: Hatred... of Mary Sue... Rising... Haven't you noticed people clearing out some of the rooms? Ron: Love... of Mom... Rising... Me: I thought that was to make room for the baby. Draco: She just got the baby suggestion a *day* ago.... Ron: And she didnt bother to question any of the movers.... or why they were taking things from several rooms... and why her mom wasnt getting fatter... Mom: Baby? Melane, what are you talking about? Hermione <Melane> Well, see, I have this thing. Im retarded... Me: Nevermind. When are we leaving? Hermione: *Prediction* Soon, making the fact she hasnt figured it out before now even more pathetic and ridiculous Mom: The day after tomorrow. Hermione: Natch... We'll stop in Paris for a day, and then head over to England. Draco: Because a few short hours in a city is *so* worth the cost of an extra plane ticket and a hotel room. Hermione: Id still love to here a reason for this move Me: The day after tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Um.mom. One last request. Can I go live with Karey? Hermione: Explaining who Karey is hasnt been done because it woulda been a *good* idea... Draco: Karey pisses me off and I dont even know her. Harry: What makes her think Karey even wants her? Mom: Of course not! You're going to England. Hermione: WHY! WHY DAMNIT WHY!?!? Me: Can I move to Canada then? Draco: Oh come on! Like Canada is better than England... Harry: Canada isnt even better than Iraq. Ron: Or Russia Public Service Announcement: The Tiger Pit apologizes to neither Canda, Iraq, or Russie. Screw you guys Mom: Canada? Ron: See? Her mother is slightly less idiotic Me: Yeah. Then I can at least be in the same continent as my friends! Draco: .....because asking to move to a foreign country is both more probably and more useful than asking to move down the block Then I got huffy and tried to make a dramatic exit like you see on all those shows with upset teens in them. Hermione: Stop catergorizing us with you, bitch! I tripped on the way out. Draco: .....excellent. But still stupid, because she wouldnt write about it A very frustrated girl, MelaneS LONDONLONDONLONDONLONDONLONDONLONDONLONDONLONDONLON Hermione: Lon? What the fuck is a lon? Harry: I dont know... *sighs*... final thoughts? Draco: Blatant Mary Suism featuring one of the dumbest plots, dumbest characters, and dumbest writers of all time. Ron: And its dumb Draco: Yes. And its dumb